Ask Me Help Desk - Dating a Nice Guy

This is really to all generally. I have to say that I loooove nice guys. I don't agree with the consensus here that says you have to act aloof and not let a girl/guy know how much you like them or it will drive them away. To make yourself unavailable, not to call/im/txt too much. That's crazy. I suppose that may be true for people w/ low self esteem who feel like they don't deserve to have someone who has strong feelings for them. I expect to be treated like a princess and love to be chased. I don't want someone acting like they don't care whether they are with me. I'm not talking stalker here, mind you and I agree that both people should have lives of their own, but if you have to play that kind of game, then the other person is clearly not that intersted in you. Why would anyone want to pursue a relationship based on the other person only wanting to be with you because they think they can't have you? Relationships should be easy. I've had two long term relationships (one 6 yrs and one 5 yrs) and in both cases, neither party felt like they had to be anybody but themselves. If you can't express your feelings openly because your partner makes you feel uncomfortable, then they are not for you. (BTW, both relationships ended solely because of relocation for career issues. I still have great freindships with both.)

That's all great... but what we are talking about here are - Needy-clingy, desperate people, too agreeable - never says no = no conflict, approval seekers, buying efection, being too nice, convinving a woman to like you, sharing how yoy feel way to early, giving away all their power, making a woman lead etc.

Yes Chi2005! I like nice guys too, obviously. What I DON'T want is a guy who texts me 5x a day the day after we meet, and then when I tell him he's coming on too strong, keeps doing the same thing. What I DON'T want is a guy who, when I ask him what he's doing this weekend says, "Nothing." Have plans, have friends, have a life. Don't make it all about me -- we JUST met! Apparently there is a fine line between chasing and stalking, because I want to be chased, too.

I agree about game playing and not being yourself being mostly stupid. I think we're in agreement here, I just wanted to respond that the 'nice' we're talking about here is the guy who's too available and/or comes on too strong.

Yes - he comes on too strong - doormat - doesn't understand how relationships work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Compliments need to be rationed carefully or women WILL feel they are being manipulated.

Its just not the feeling that "here's someone trying to get laid".. its more than that too.

I've always gotten a lot of compliments so I'm kind of immune to that stuff, it rolls off like water on a duck's back for me. I get it all the time online and it is boring. Its NOT a compliment, to compliment ones personality and mind and talent is a compliment, to compliment ones looks is common and makes you appear to be a lookist that is only attracted to the outward package. That's why so many strippers secretly dislike men, its too easy to get men to drool over them, no challenge and boring. On top of that, you can't trust someone who is always complimenting your looks, and they are the FIRST sort of "easily impressed" men who have roving eyes and whose eyes will rove far sooner than they need be. Someone that easily impressed is SHALLOW and will give anybody attractive the same treatment, so you know you're not special right off the bat! Its good to be worried about someone like that.

When I have talked about this subject, I get men who said the common things such as "Well its better than them slamming you" or "Just take the compliment". They don't get the amount of compliments that I do and they don't understand that it is very boring and rude for a man to first comment about your looks. They would have to experience it themselves. It makes women feel like an object, and esp. me. I don't really feel like one, but I know Im being objectified.

Its best when men don't play games, give you what you want, at least try to anticipate your needs and appear as though they care, be courteous, be on time, don't cancel or flake out, show interest, but not appear as though you want a relationship tomorrow.

Last year I met a guy from the internet.. he's supposed to be tough, strong, working on himself, is in the media and meets a lot of people. Well I met him and he had an ANXIETY ATTACK in front of me.

I was sympathetic, but I was pissed. He was showing his weak side to me and wanting to run away. He started sweating profusely and explaining that "this never happens to me".. he was rather gruff and he was supposed to do something I had asked him to do, but seemed to totally forget about it after I met him. He ran away after only an hour. He doesn't open up, he didn't tell me how he felt about me.

Inscrutable, absolutely inscrutable, I also find that annoying, boring and not helpful. Everyone's running around so scared these days. When it is the men in life who are so scared that they feel playing games is the way to communicate, that worries me.