I think TMan is right. You have to be straight forward with the fact that you are not ready to be friends. In fact, it is your fault. After all, you did talk and dance with her last time. Nonetheless, you dealt with it accordingly, but it still affects you. Having her in your life, especially in milestone events where you would rather her not be present, so that new memories can be created. Understandable. You have been doing good, but now it's time to let her know that you are not ready for a friendship. I'm sure she will understand. You know you will be fine and so do I. Besides this stupid situation let's agree on one thing... We both know how great and surprising life is, right? Just think of all the wonders and great feelings we still have not encountered!! Keep pushing forward my friend! I'm excited to hear what next great thing comes from your life!

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

I think TMan is right. You have to be straight forward with the fact that you are not ready to be friends. In fact, it is your fault. Afterall, you did talk and dance with her last time. Nonetheless, you dealt with it accordingly, but it still affects you. Having her in your life, especially in milestone events where you would rather her not be present, so that new memories can be created. Understandable. You have been doing good, but now it's time to let her know that you are not ready for a friendship. I'm sure she will understand. You know you will be fine and so do I. Besides this stupid situation let's agree on one thing...We both know how great and surprising life is, right? Just think of all the wonders and great feelings we still have not encountered!!! Keep pushing forward my friend! I'm excited to hear what next great thing comes from your life!

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Thanks Emo. I've been telling myself not to think to deep into this situation because she has a boyfriend and I am not letting her ever come back. Now, that is the logical and rational side of my mind. But my stupid heart has been knocking like crazy and doing the exact opposite. My heart says that it would take her back in a second but my mind tells me otherwise. Thankfully, my mind rational side is stronger in this situation.

So far being single is not all that bad. I have been so busy with my life that I don't even have time for a partner. There are some little things here and there that I miss (cuddeling, kissing, etc... ) but then again there are things that I do not miss. School is going well and the other night I ran a taekwondo testing that was the best one I have ever done. My gallery opening was beyond my expectations and I have been also fitting in some time with my friends.

There is nothing I should be complaining about to be honest. My life is pretty good right not but for some odd reason she still floats around my mind. I take all the necessary precautions to get over these thoughts and I have not been in a dpressed mood for a while now. But she still is there, reminding me of what we had. The good overpower the bad times.

I guess its just time. I need more time to pass. I am excited for summer because I know for sure I will not be seeing her this frequently. I heard a while back that she is staying here for the summer so I hope she does not contact me because I know I cannot be ever friends with her.




... sorry my thoughts are everywhere tonight and I am once again overanalyzing and looking too deep into things. Typical A4Effort! :rolleyes:

I think we are both at the same stage in the moving on process. I totally understand every word you wrote!

I am just like you in the sense that I lasted 1 year and 5 months until she broke it off and then back together and lasted 1 year and 9 months. I did none of my prior mistakes such as calling girls, didn't check up on her, I assured her whenever she was jealous and took care of her in everything and played with her and always took her out even on vacation, but still she broke up with me. In fact she continued messing up but I was in love so I kept forgiving... it's a sad story but we have to push forward. Maybe one day we will understand why this happened. I started school today! Hope you feel better man. We'll pull through together... No competition. I know it's in your blood... lol

Ha ha ha. Good luck to you too emo. A new semester begins and with that new opportunities come. I am glad that I can have friends around me to distract me from this situation.

We will get there one day. Slowly but surely.

I do not know what is wrong with me. Its been almost 5 months now and this still happens. Yesterday was a typical day. I went to class and went straight to work afterwards. At work I started to think about her. I could not stop. I hit such a low that I haven't experienced since the first week of the break up.

Thoughts about her could not leave my mind at all. No matter what I did that day I continued to feel sad. I focused on my work and that did not help. I wrote down how I felt and that did not help. I went rock climbing with a friend, I went to the gym to work out, and ended the night by going dancing with a few friends. None of this helped. She was stuck in my head. I told myself every possible story to make my stupid heart change. Nothing worked. As I danced I felt like crap. As I worked I felt like crap. Not until I went to sleep did my feelings go away. What the hell is wrong with me?

I am trying so damn hard but I am still hung up on her. Why can I not move on? How am I still keeping myself from moving on?

Tonight I am going to the winter ball. I invited a few friends to go with but I have no idea how it will go because I feel during every slow dance I will only think about the ex.

I can only tell you to stay with it, and keep doing what your doing. All of us go through these emotional STORMS in our lives, and we just have to plod through them.

They will pass, they always do. Never, ever, beat yourself up when they do happen though.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I can only tell you to stay with it, and keep doing what your doing. All of us go thru these emotional STORMS in our lives, and we just have to plod thru them.

They will pass, they always do. Never, ever, beat yourself up when they do happen though.

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That's the thing, I just want to take a baseball to my head and beat some sense into my head. All these stupid irrational fears go through my head. I feel like I will never find anyone whom I will love. I feel like no one will be able to accept me like she did. I have these stupid insecurities in my head and its not healthy for my mental well being.

I am a perfectionist and try to be the perfect person in every way. Physically I have to be in tip-top shape. I try to learn every possible skill and try to have some knowledge about every subject. I try to be the perfect friend, boyfriend, son, etc...

I have a great work ethic and so far I have come a long way. I do not have a problem meeting girls. I do not have a problem socializing. I do not have a problem with any of that. But still I am here thinking this way. Why can I not take a chill pill and just let things happen?

We all have the conflict that goes on in our head, and what's really happening in our lives. Nothing wrong with striving for perfection, as long as you balance it with reality. It may seem like no one will be as good as the one that got away, but I think reality says, its possible to meet someone better.

Part of your problem is taking her off the pedestal you have put her on. She was hardly perfect, and for all your trying, neither are you. That's the reality of your situation. When you reconcile yourself to reality, then the conflicts will end, and you can move forward to different challenges, and options and opportunities.

You have too much expectations. It's not bad to have some, but having too much will just eat you alive. You need to have a balance life between letting go and having expectations.

You also cannot control everything that happens in your life so start accepting what happens to your life and move on. Learn from your experiences but don't dwell on it.

I just wanted to post this to let everyone know how I process certain feelings. This thread has been seen plenty of times so I know plenty of people read it and gain some kind of knowledge from it. The other day I had my really low moment and I did not know how to get over it. I tried working out, hanging out with friends, and even going out to dance. But what really worked was writing down my emotions on paper and then rereading it when the emotions went away. There are tons of ways you can distract yourself (see stickies) but this one worked for this particular situation. So I will include a my writing example to show what my thought process was. Right now I feel completely fine and I can say that it was only a phase.

My example:

"What do you do when the girl you love is gone? You know she is never coming back but your feelings for her still remain in your heart. How do you move away from someone you held so dear to your heart? Everyday you are reminded by her in some way. Your friends and family tell you to move on but you hesitate. You know there will be others. You know your life is completely fine without her but yet your heart still aches. In every other aspect, your life is perfect. Even with other girls fighting for your affection, you can only see yourself with one. With every day and with every step you live your life. You grow and mature. You change the way you look, act, and think. Yet, those feelings for her remain. No matter what you do those images of her are burnt into your mind and heart. True love is the greatest feeling in the world but only when both feel it equally. Here I am stuck in a one way conversation with no ability to persuade the other."


As you can tell this is sappy as hell but when you are in the moment this is how you really feel. It is important to acknowledge your feelings and writing them down is a great way to do it. Reflecting on them too is great once you are ready to think rationally. I hope this helps someone with their process because it helped me.

Good AE,writing things down is a helpful tool and helps you get perspetive.
Wishing you a good week.

Writing is an excellent outlet for emotions. It's goes along the same lines as talking things out with friends and loved ones who genuinely care about you.

This is a great way to get things out! No need for apologies if it makes you feel better.

Another important task that I need to do is take my ex off
This imaginary pedistole. Many of us glorify our first love or salient love because at some point in time they did make us feel like a million bucks. We have many memories with them and have become attached to them. We always say that they were our best friends, the ones you could share anything with, and the one you thought you would marry one day. Now these dreams have been shattered and you feel alone. You feel like it is you against the world. You say to yourselfthat you will neve be able to find someone else like her/him. You immediately put them on this pedistole as the best thing that has ever happened to you. No one else can compare to them. So what do you do? You seclude yourself and wallow. So how can we take them off this pedistole and move on with our lives?


Here is my process. Writing things down physically helps me a great deal with my healing process. A good way to help you process is creating a pro an con list. Think of all the good things about your ex an equally think about the negative things.

Here is my example:
Pro's:
Understanding
Adventurous
Active
Intelligent
Motivated
Spiritual/philosophical
Sympathetic
Opened my eyes to new experiences
Hard working

Con's:
Argumentative
Competitive
Always wanted me to be someone I was not
Too clingy
Easily annoyed
Made me feel inadequate
Always fought about the little things
Wanted her freedom but could not give me mine
Did not make me feel like a man because she wanted to do everything equally like me even when physically it was impossible



I could add more things but you get the point. Too often we only think of the good memories and we tend to forget the negatives. Pu break up for a reason. There are so many times where I came to my Tod school and felt like crap because of the fights we had. But now I seldom remember these feelings because I can only see her on the pedistole.


Hope this helps someone. It did for me.

It's probably true for most of us-and I'd like to quote Justwantfair 'I don't miss you,I miss who I thought you were'.
Knock them off the pedistals
They are only human beings same as us.

So to continue this whole learning experience I will post what I have learned so far through making mistakes, having gone through this whole experience, and just by being in a relationship.

* Instead of arguing back and forth, I should acknowledge my partners feelings/concern without trying to gain the upper hand.

* Communicate all needs and problems in an effective manner before the problem escalates.

* When your partner needs to vent make sure to just listen. Do not offer any advice unless your partner asks for some.

* Do not always tackle arguments while "in the moment." Emotions often get the best of us and allowing some time to pass allows both to cool down and think rationally again.

* Understanding that sometimes your partner needs some alone time before sharing their problems with you.

* Do not assume any other roles (father figure, etc... ) because your partner only wants you to be who you are.

* Do not compete with your partner because you always want your partner to do as well as you if not better.

* Understand that both partners need some individual time to either spend by themselves or with other friends.

* After breaking up for the first time it is very hard to make it work afterwards and its best to move on with your life.

* NC and time heals all. Really NC helps a lot and every time you break it you fall back a few steps.

* Being single is not all too shabby. You have more time to yourself, friends, and family. You can hang out with whomever you want, whenever, and wherever without needing permission or needing to consider your partner.

* Like Tal always says: "A relationship should be a bonus to your life."

* You have to be happy with yourself before being able to be happy with another.

* After a long relationship, one should take their time to heal instead of bouncing into another relationship. REBOUND!!

These are the major ones. Quite the learning experience I had over the past few months.

To conclude this whole thing here is a quote I came up with:

"You live and you learn. You work and you earn. Live life to its fullest without making a U-turn."

So you would think, you really would think that I would have at least moved on a bit from her. But no! I can't. Why?

Well, last night a friend of mine invited me to a party. I have not been to a college party in who knows how many months. I don't drink much either hence why I really don't go to college parties too often. I was just chatting it up like always and just having a good time with friends. Well throughout the night a friend (my ex's roommate) of mine who was very intoxicated decided to tell me some things that I did not want to hear. She told where my ex's new boyfriend goes to college (right next to the one I go to), she told me his first name, how well she treats her, how they are going to this awesome concert, and basically how they are living an amazing life together. On top of all this my ex decided to make an appearance at the party. She was there for a bit, talked with friends, and left because she had to go and meet her boyfriend.

So what did I try to do? At the party I did not talk to her. We just hugged as she came in and that is the only contact we had.

After all this I tried to forget everything my friend told me and just continue the night. But I couldn't my rational mind was telling me all the right things but my heart was aching sooooooooo much. I felt horrible and then my "emotional" thoughts came in. I started thinking about how she was able to move on and have a perfect life right after leaving me. I started thinking about how it sucked for me to move on, to find 2 other girls who didn't work out, and just not being happy with myself yet. This past still bothers me. I am trying really hard but it has really affected me. I am not trying to pity myself but I am ready to be done with this past.

Why didn't you,politely,tell the gossiping friend that you weren't interested and then continued going about your own business?

There has been too much contact lately,retreat,exhibition and now this.
This gets you going and sets you back.

It doesn't matter whether she has moved on and with whom,what matters is that YOU keep moving on at your own pace.

You have it all sorted out in your head,now get your heart in sync.

The things she told me were said at different times throughout the night and I was not expecting it at all.

But I am having a difficult time syncing my heart with my brain. I do not know why I am still hanging onto this pain. She has clearly move on and is living her life without me. I on the other hand am crawling slower than death towards happiness. There is nothing wrong with my life and I am very grateful to have such an amazing support system. I am not afraid to be single either and I have been enjoying it. But the fact that she is there all the time hurts. I never used to be this sensitive.

What has worked for me in similar situations is to get extremely busy doing/thinking about something else as soon as such thoughts pop into my head.
Yes,you mourn the death of the relationship,but life goes on and life is good.

We all heal differently but-we all do.

It must be early morning where you are,carpe diem!

You can look at this another way also, that you ran into your ex and didn't do anything to make you feel foolish afterward. That in itself is a major victory. You were cool, even at the drunken intrusion of her friend. Again another major victory, and a sure sign of maturing coping skills.

Maybe we can't help the comparison thoughts, but they are yours to cope with. As long as your attitude is gratitude for what you do have, you will never be jealous or envious of what another has, or has accomplished. Remember that always, be grateful for what you have now, it could be much worse, and if you want more, get busy.

I think your on a good path so far. Keep it up.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You can look at this another way also, that you ran into your ex and didn't do anything to make you feel foolish afterward. That in itself is a major victory. You were cool, even at the drunken intrusion of her friend. Again another major victory, and a sure sign of maturing coping skills.

Maybe we can't help the comparison thoughts, but they are yours to cope with. As long as your attitude is gratitude for what you do have, you will never be jealous or envious of what another has, or has accomplished. Remember that always, be grateful for what you have now, it could be much worse, and if you want more, get busy.

I think your on a good path so far. Keep it up.

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Thank you tal and I completely agree. I am just wondering when these reactions will stop. They are so strong now, every time something happens with the ex. I know with time and NC they will calm down but they really do affect me. Its so hard when everything is somehow connected to her. My friends, activities, and work are all connected with her in one way or another. She keeps popping up and I keep reacting.

Time and experience are your teachers. Unfortunately, they can't be rushed. Where I have had a lifetime, and its easier, you have not, and so I can only tell you to be patient, and keep your attitude correct.

"But time flies when your having fun."

This has been a theme ever since I got dumped by my first girlfriend and learned that living a life that I enjoyed made me happy, attractive, and hardly had time to dwell, or wonder what if, or why me.

Don't get me wrong, as its not always fun, but after seeing how bad it could really be, you tend to be grateful you can get through it, and over time you gain confidence through accomplishment.

Its the doing when things are less than perfect that gives you that confidence.

Plus I have a lot of experience not only with rejection, but in being DUMPED. Neither is a big deal. But the first few times really suck, because you don't know what to do, but you learn a lot about yourself, and how you deal with things that don't go your way.

I just need to keep telling myself the negative aspects of our relationship because I keep thinking that our relationship was a dream when in reality it wasn't. We did fight. We did compete with each other on an unhealthy level. We did have differences. She could not be committed to me. She wanted certain things out of me that I could not give her. She is probably happier now too because she may have found someone who matches her better. Hopefully one day I will find that person who will match me. Until then I need to stay focused and keep trucking along.

It's funny how things are. Today I went to my botany lab (I know botany, I need to fill my requirement) and talked to my lab partner. It turns out that my lab partner works in the same psychology lab as my ex. She told how my ex talked about our breakup an how she said that she did not want to date the same guy all throughout college. She wanted to see what else is out there.

When I heard that my emotions immediately changed. I was unable to control them. I immedialty atarte thinking that I was just being used and it made me feel cheap. I also became angry at the fact that she came back to me an did it again to me.

I am fine now, the feelings have almost all gone away but I just keep finding out all this information that I do not want to know.

You should tell all these people that you are not interested in hearing the gossip.
That's not being rude,that's protecting yourself.

I realize that I am only mad at one thing and one thing only. I am angry at the fact that she did it twice to me. How can a person do something like this twice when I clearly stated that I did not want her back if she was going to have the same feelings?


How do I deal with this and work through the anger?

Through physical activity or some other type of outlet (writing, hobbies, etc). I found that playing sports and exercising really helped me control any anger I felt.

Sorry guy, the first time was her fault, anything after that is yours.

Yeah I have come to realize that too now.
Things have been good lately which I am very happy about. The only place I see her is web I go over to see some common friends. I was at a party this weekend and she showed up. I ignored her and did not initiate any conversation with her. I focused my time on my friends and she saw me having a great time. She initiated contact by asking how I was. I just kept it short and returned to having fun. She didn't mingle with anyone and just kind of sat there awekwardly before she left. I. Felt really good at how I handeled the situation. Also I had a moment of realization. I realized that if I was still with her, I would not be having the same
Amount offun because I would have had to spend my time with her instead of flirting with girls and hanging out with my friends. I really enjoyed the freedom. I also enjoyed the fact that I did not become sad after seeing her or get any major reactions to her being there. Time has helped for sure and I feel I am almost at the end of the recovery road. Life is good.

Hello everyone!!
Its been a few months since I last checked in so I thought I would stop by and let you all know how I am doing.

I am still single and I love it. I had a few opportunities for possible relationships but I did not want to get involved in anything serious because I have been enjoying my single time. I have been very occupied with my life for once. It feels good to be able to make plans without ever having to keep your partner in mind. No compromising needed.

I am very busy with martial arts, work, summer class, and an internship. I have been hanging out with friends and just having a good time overall. I can see now what everyone was telling me about taking some time to myself and learning how to be alone. As I look back I cannot believe some of my behavior and my irrational emotions. It was a big learning experience and I have grown much as a person.

Now, I will not lie. Once in a while I will become sad and remember the good times. But I have learned to acknowledge the emotions when they happen and worked through them quickly so I can move on with my day. We still see each other once in a while. We had lunch once and talked a few times at a party. We both still show a lot respect for each other and have learned to become distant friends. She has a boyfriend now that she is happy with.


So to everyone with a broken heart. It does get better with time. Enjoy life and take your time to heal. Hope everyone is doing well. Thank you again to all those who helped.

I am besides myself with your very positive update, it's a great Fathers Day gift I can cherish because I love good endings.

Great news. And that's the way life goes.
All the best to you and good luck!

It's even a better ending than "I found someone else I am now happy with"! Now that I am here more often, I get used to see the same names on posts, then some just disappear for a while (like I did) and come back when they make "mistakes" on the way (just like I did, hehe) it's rare to have news like this one and we are all proud of you :)

Thanks for the update, it gives me (and plenty of others I'm sure) hope and inspiration! Thank you!

I read your story, very similar to what I am going through now. I'm glad to hear you're doing well, and everything is going good for you. I hope soon I can get to where you are at.

I am so busy with life that I rarely now have the opportunity to go online but I please do not hesitate to ask me questions regarding my experience and I will gladly help as much as I can. This place has helped a lot and I have learned much about relationships.

Since I am a psychology major I have involved myself into reading about positive psychology (motivation, attitudes, etc... ) It feels corny to say but I read motivational books, listen to motivational cd's, read books on attitudes, positivity and in general try to have a positive outlook. It has worked wonders for my confidence and happiness.

Any books/CD's or whatever you would like to recommend?

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Originally Posted by Something_Here

Any books/CD's or whatever you would like to recommend?

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Yes, look up Zig Ziglar. He is a great motivational speaker and has written "See You at the Top." He also has his own website and podcast. He is very old school and preaches some Christian values. Now I am not very religious and I still get a lot from his talks and books. Another great book is Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson. Finally there is a book called Excellence. I cannot remember the authors name but I will let you know once I figure it out.