What if I don't know if I want to go back with her, I Wish? With all the bad, she is all I know of good times and someone just like me. I won't find that ever again. It makes me sad. You know what I mean?
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What if I don't know if I want to go back with her, I Wish? With all the bad, she is all I know of good times and someone just like me. I won't find that ever again. It makes me sad. You know what I mean?
EmoQuote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Of course you'll find that again , and the sooner you stop worrying about your Ex the sooner it'll happen.
As they say "When one door closes another one opens" BUT you have to let the first door close first.
When you read a good book, do you believe that you won't ever read a book that good again? Did you stop reading?Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
When you listen to a great piece of music, do you really think that you will never hear a another song that great again? Do you still listen to music?
When you see a beautiful painting, do you ever think that you will never see another piece of art that beautiful again? Do you still look at art in all its forms?
When you taste a well prepared meal, do you ever think that you will never have another meal that great? Are you starving yourself?
Then why do you continue to think in absolutes with this female?
By having the expectation that you will never be happy again, you limit your ability to be happy. Some elderly people who are grumpy and mad at the world are that way because they had something happen in their youth and they told themselves they would never be happy again. So they never were. It was self-fulfilling on their parts.
I want you to really think about what you mean when you say that she is someone like you. From what I have gleaned from your posts, she is a manipulator, a liar, not trustworthy, betrays trust, abusive, insensitive, inconsiderate, hypocritical, and the list goes on. I don't think you are like that. Not from what I have read of your writings especially on other threads.
Have you met all 6+ billion other people in the world yet? After you've done that, then you can come back and tell us that there's nothing better than your ex.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
My ex started getting too busy with work being she was made supervisor. Even on her breaks she just had lunch with supervisors and stopped calling me except for like 5 minutes when she had an hour. She said for me to understand. Then I was working and she kept texting because I was suppose to be ou of work but I had to do another shift. I guess she was upset and I knew she was getting more upset than usual and I felt lie she was doing it on purpose. I found out she was with her sister going to her church where her ex is. When I asked if she is going there she says no then yes and then no but I found out she did. It's solo annoying she lies. That night I don't know what happened but I tried to be cool and not bother and just trust. Next day I hoped to at least get a message or voicemail but nothing. Also while at work Friday nights I would get no texts or calls. I believed she was tired but after realizing that when she was mad and she said she was out a lot behind my back, I know why she wouldn't now. I don't get if she wouldn't like that and I don't know who would then why do it to me. And I'm pretty cool. You lied to me again fine. Just say okay I lied I'm sorry and it's just because of this and that and I will go home now or I will keep texting or something since you got caught. But all I got was f u and I been doing this and stop asking questions and you are more annoying than my job and all this yet she is the one sneaking out when she said she was sleeping. And ignoring me 5 hours after that. Messed up! Would anybody else deal with that? Why would she treat me like that? It was pretty reasonable for a boyfriend to be upset at a lying girlfriend but I don't get why she treated me like that and the next day she just text me saying sorry and I love you but on her break she just went to lunch with her supervisor instead of fixing us. Then when she did call she didn't want to talk about it and she was just tired of hearing it like she already gave up. It was strange.
I feel a bit down and I don't know why I still think of her... its like I still want to be right next to her and hold her and do everything to her. Why do I still feel this way? N y doesn't she feel that way? Am I not good enough?
She needs something different than what you have to offer. You need something different from what she gave.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Different does NOT equate to not good enough. Absolutes and relationships (or thinking about relationships) do not go well together. Too many variables.
Emo, if you harp on everything the way you've done here then I'm beginning to understand how she felt.Quote:
Then when she did call she didn't want to talk about it and she was just tired of hearing it like she already gave up. It was strange.
You can't seem to let anything go. If someone makes a mistake you keep bringing it up over and over again. No one likes that and no one should have to put up with it.
My husband never calls me on his lunch break. It's his lunch break! He's supposed to eat something. We can talk when he gets home. I don't have to have contact with him every minute of the day. I have other things to do, my life doesn't revolve around him.Quote:
Even on her breaks she just had lunch with supervisors and stopped calling me except for like 5 minutes when she had an hour.
I don't think any of us can offer you more advice. We keep telling you what you should be doing, you say that you're going to do it, then all of a sudden we're once again hearing the story of your breakup. We know it by heart, we've heard it millions of times already. I feel like I was there at this point.
Emo, when you're actually ready for help, to get past this and move on, then come back. Until you can let it go you won't get anywhere in this journey.
You have all the tools you need right here on this thread. We keep repeating ourselves and it's not going anywhere.
I wish you luck. I've done all I can, the rest is up to you.
I just woke up a bit happy and I wondered what I dreamt about and it was about having sex with her... Now I'm really sad!!
I am coming into this VERY late - my opinion? OP is obsessive. That drove this girlfriend away and will probably drive the next girlfriend away.
(735 posts on this one thread and OP still doesn't get it - ?)
U don't get it Altenweg... I didn't expect a call all the time... I got used to her only calling when she could and it wasn't a problem. But it was a problem that specific day because something serious happened and she still didn't put me first. Its not that I don't let it go its just that I was just stating everything that happened because I want to understand what it was about and why because I didn't do anything wrong for her to act in these ways. I only missed her during work and that's it. I just loved her while she was beginning to get too busy and instead of effort she just did things to make us worse. I'm not trying to bring her down but I just want to understand why she acted that way and maybe somebody knows.
You don't understand that the first time together I did dumb things that got to her...
I called exs but only for advice I swear.
I checked her phone
I would yell and be mean at times.
I wouldn't want to hang out much.
I worked on all those things and I can honestly say that this time together I didn't do any of those things not even once because I loved her and wanted everything to work. If I put that effort then why couldn't she put the effort of not doing things behind my back? Like I said I would have even forgiven her again but the way she reacted showed me she didn't care. Do you understand what I am trying to say?
I didn't do ANY of my past mistakes and I took her on the vacation and made her dream come true and took her to disney land and put her on a plane to Florida. I really cared and loved being with her and tried new things and we had lots of fun. She would just stay mad on purpose a lot the last month. I set up my room with pics of us on a canopy around my bed and I was setting up the candles... she comes up fast as if to check up on me. I don't need her checking up on me as if I can't be trusted... how much more could I prove I was trustworthy but she said she could never trust me. I don't get it. So as she comes up, you know when you don't want anyone to see the surprise,
Emo,you are going around in circles again.
What happened to staying busy and enjoying each day as it comes?
Come on,it really is time to let the past stay in the past.
So I yell noo don't come in yet and then she gets mad and says I yelled... like what the freak? I'm trying to set something up and I know she is just rushing to check up on me. Then I had to beg for her to come up and see it... then she finally gets on my bed and I say okay get ready and I did but when I get to the bed she still has her clothes on. I ask y and she says not yet. Then she turns her back and ignores me. So I finally get annoyed and she argues and goes downstairs and falls asleep on the sofa. After an hour I tell her to come on that I am taking her home because she can do that there... mind you she always throws me out but instead I ask to drive her home but she gets mad and walks home. Why would she act like that with me? I'm sooo confused! And why do I still miss her at times quite a lot. I'm glad I got over the pain but I want to stop thinking about her as well!! I hate it already!
Emo, I do get it. That's the problem.
You want to know what I see when you post?
1. Emo wants to get on with his life, wants to move forward, or so he claims. Sadly his posts don't support that.
2. Emo can't move forward because he keeps trying to find answers as to why it ended. Emo cannot accept that it doesn't matter how it ended, only that it did.
3. Emo obsesses about what happened, it's always on his mind, he posts about it at least once a week, often more, even though he's supposed to be moving forward.
4. Emo is stuck in the past.
5. Emo wants us to tell him why his ex did this. We don't know. Only she knows. Until Emo can accept that why it ended doesn't matter, that moving on means forgetting about it, Emo will be stuck right where he is, reliving the entire relationship, dissecting everything that happened over and over and over again.
6. Emo is in a rut. Until he realizes this, there's no way we can help him.
Emo, it's in the past. Until you are ready to leave it there, you don't have a future, you're destined to keep reliving the past and you will not find happiness that way.
She is not a part of your life anymore. What she did doesn't matter. What you do now does.
When you finally understand that, then we can help. Until then I fear that everything we say just goes over your head and hits the wall behind you.
Let me know when you're ready, really ready. You aren't ready now.
So what? It's in the past.Quote:
So I yell noo don't come in yet and then she gets mad and says I yelled... like what the freak? I'm trying to set something up and I know she is just rushing to check up on me.
So what? It's in the past.Quote:
then I had to beg for her to come up and see it... then she finally gets on my bed and I say okay get ready and I did but when I get to the bed she still has her clothes on. I ask y and she says not yet. Then she turns her back and ignores me.
So what? It's in the past.Quote:
So I finally get annoyed and she argues and goes downstairs and falls asleep on the sofa.
So what? It's in the past.Quote:
After an hour I tell her to come on that I am taking her home because she can do that there... mind you she always throws me out but instead I ask to drive her home but she gets mad and walks home.
It doesn't matter, she's in the past.Quote:
Why would she act like that with me? I'm sooo confused!
Because you won't stop obsessing about the past.Quote:
And why do I still miss her at times quite a lot.
You're not over the pain. Want to know why? Every time the scab starts to form you rip it off and reopen the wound. You do it to yourself. You're the only one that can heal and move on but you refuse to. You keep going over everything that happened in this relationship, that's why you can't move on.Quote:
I'm glad I got over the pain but I want to stop thinking about her as well!!
So do we. We've given you the tools and you put them in a corner and let them collect dust.Quote:
I hate it already!
You don't get it. Until you do, you'll be stuck where you are.
You have got it all wrong but not your fault because you are not me and I know you are helping me and I appreciate that. Altenweg the truth is that she never let my past mistakes go. Every argument we had she brought up how I called exs and any other thing I did wrong. I begged constantly for us to not bring up the past and just talk about the issue at hand. I didn't have to deal with that. It drove me crazy... I guess our communication wasn't great now that I think about it. I'm glad I am away from her certain reasons but then for certain reasons miss what we had and the good times! I hate this already!! I know it doesn't matter, its in the past now.
No, I'm not you, you're right about that.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
You say she never let your past mistakes go, every argument you had she brought up you past mistakes. Well, sweetie, that's what you're doing now. No wonder it didn't work out, neither one of you could let go of past mistakes. I'm sure that led to many arguments.
Breaking up is hard, but having read all of your posts, you're better off without her. You two were not good together because neither one of you could let the past be the past. Heck, now that your relationship is in the past you still can't let it go. That says a lot. I can only imagine what it was like when you two were together. I bet that every time you two argued both of you would bring up past mistakes each other made.
The fact is, it's over. It's done. It's past. No more. Kaput. Finit. The end. The only problem now is that you still want to rehash the past, even though it doesn't matter anymore.
You're torturing yourself over things that happened that you can't change.
We can't help you. You're not ready to let go.
[QUOTE=emopunk7 agrees: How am I obssessive? I am simply trying to get through this. I have been on NC since the day she said its over. I just rather come here and talk than with friends. Does that qualify as obssessive?
[/QUOTE]
You have been posting about this for months. Nothing has changed. You say you want to go forward but make no effort to actually move forward. Yes, coming on here - how many times? Going over and over and over the same things, yes, that's obsessive.
I'm sure one of the reasons you are here is because your friends are tired of hearing about it.
So, yes, that qualifies as obsessive.
Do you actually read the responses or just continue posting?
No, I feel like you ignored what I wrote... I said she would always talk about past mistakes and I just wanted to deal with the problem at hand. I would even tell her for us to not use words like always and all that. I really tried. I listened a lot as well which is probably why we lasted a while but what I don't get is that we didn't break up for any of these reasons. We broke up when she went out behind my back. Then this second time together she does it again except I do it back and we still break up. Out of everything why always over this? I also see that you wrote no you are not me. I didn't mean that in a bad way. I go over the details a lot yes. But I am wanting to get over it but why did I dream about having sex with her? I still want her but I want to not want her. Does that make sense. That's why I'm stuck right now.
You dream about having sex with her because she's always on your mind and - apparently - you aren't having sex with anyone else.
She doesn't want you - I don't know why you can't figure that out and move on.
I've had difficult breakups. I think everyone is betrayed at one time or another. Life goes on, painful as that truth is.
Judykatetee, I actually don't and haven't spoken about this to my friends even once. And what do you mean nothing has changed? I have more fun now and I try new things and I workout and I don't feel pain when thinking about it anymore. There's been lots of progress. I just have more to go and I'm hanging in there. I just write and think a lot but everyone here helps. I appreciate it. This is a hard time for me and I'm glad even with my overthinking I've kept NC for 3 months. I'm doing my best. Thank you for your posts!
Emo, I know that you're trying. Truth is, I like you, that's why I keep posting here, because frankly it's getting old and had it been anyone else I would have stopped posting a long time ago.
You're not a bad guy, but Judy is right, you are obsessive.
Want to know a secret? I still dream about my ex sometimes. We broke up over 21 years ago! He's still my friend. There's nothing romantic between us, but every once in a while he pops into my subconscious when I'm sleeping.
The difference between you and I is that I don't try to understand why it happens, because it doesn't matter. It's a dream. It's not reality and I am well adjusted enough to realize that he's in the past and he's there for a reason. He's my friend, that's it. He's not my husband because that part of our relationship didn't work.
You can't get over your ex because you refuse to accept that thoughts pop up for no reason and over analyzing them does nothing for you.
Yeah I have a few exs who are friends with nothing romantic as well. I guess this is fresh for me. I will try to stop it from now on. I'm just sad a relationship and being so close to someone ended. I feel plain a bit being single.
Nothing wrong with being single Emo , in fact enjoy being able to do what you wish without the fear of someone questioning your every move or action while you can.
It's normal to be sad Emo, but it's not normal to keep going over all the problems in the relationship over and over and that's what you're doing.
I'm going to ask you to do something. I think this will help. Go to the beginning of your thread, read all the posts. When you're done, tell me what you would think if you were giving advice to you.
Read the thread pretending it's not you that wrote it. Be unbiased about the whole thing.
What advice would you give Emopunk7 if he wasn't you?
I love being married, love my husband, but I have to admit, I sometimes miss being single, the lack of responsibility, the freedom, being able to do what and who I want. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by friend4u178
Enjoy it while you can Emo, before you know it you'll be married, with kids, a mortgage, pets, responsibility. All of these past mistakes will seem so foolish to you.
Have fun, you're young and free, go enjoy it while you can.
M, had to spread the rep, but of course you know I agree. :)
Emo, it doesn't help that you are hiding those feelings from your 'friends'. Don't you trust them to help you get through the pain?Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
I don't have close friends. I had one best friend from freshmen year of HS to Senior year but a week after school he moved to Maryland and never spoke to me again. I never did a thing wrong to him. I was such a great friend to him and he was to me as well. I still wonder what happened but I gave that up years ago. It hurt for a while though. I hope he is happy still and forgive him for disappearing like that.
You do know that women are not attracted to guys that feel sorry about themselves?
Your "friend" had this thing called life he moved on to... maybe he moved with his family, moved for school, or moved for work. People move, sometimes its friends... sometimes its you. As an adult you do what you must to get ahead, not toss away opportunities when they arrive because of "friends" who would do the same thing if they had the chance.
I've moved chasing opportunity several times... different states... even different countries.
YOU are who is responsible for your life, and what you do with it. You only have one life... make the most of it.
It takes two to end a relationship Emo, both romantic and friendship. You say you didn't do anything wrong when your friendship ended. Are you sure you're as innocent as you seem to think you are, both with this friend and with your ex?
Everyone has flaws, it takes someone with confidence and acceptance to admit to his/her flaws. You don't seem to be able to do that.
Have you read your posts? You seem to think that everything was her fault, that you tried so hard, that you were a prince and she's the one to blame.
You have a bit of an ego. That's evident in everything you post. You seem to think that you're above wrong doing, that you're perfect and you can't understand why the people in your life leave that perfection.
You have to accept your part of the break up. You have to accept that you weren't as perfect and wonderful as you think you were. That's what's haunting you, because you see what she was in the relationship, you think it was all her, but it wasn't.
You have to accept that you had a hand in it. Then you have to forgive yourself and her and move on.
You have to be willing to accept that no one is perfect. Only then can you find happiness in a relationship and with yourself.
First of all I know I'm not perfect. I know I may have gotten on her nerves. I know obviously something I did made her leave. I just wish I knew why and why couldn't we make it work. I in no way blame it all on her. I know I am not perfect. In fact I take pride in that I'm down to earth and usually let things slide a bit. I just wonder that if it didn't work the first time, and knowing I FIXED all my mistakes, then why wasn't it enough? I know I didn't do everything right at first but really this last time I can't pin point something I did wrong on occasion. I'm being serious. I didn't check her phone, we went out a lot and had fun and I took her on vacation. I didn't call exs... I mean if there was something I did wrong that I regret it was the payback at the end. That's really it. I wouldn't yell in public or hit like she would. U already know the rest. I'm not saying I'm perfect I'm just saying I loved her and I really tried my very best!
As far as my friend goes, I swear I never hurt that kid. I loved him. Till this day he is the only one I considered my best friend... great times but I swear he just dissappeared. I've thought about anything I couldve done wrong and the worst I ever came up with was that he wanted to go bowling but my cousin asked me to do something with him. I never cancelled n it was the first time. I'm sure it couldn't be over that. We never fought. I don't get it. Smoothy, we all go towards life but it doesn't mean you have to lose contact with friends or not even say bye so I don't get what you are saying. We were best friends.
Yes I do have a bit of an ego and a bit of confidence but it balances off with my humbleness and appreciation and my kindness towards all. My cousin and I one day were playing basketball and he wanted to quit. I said oh don't me like your dad. Because his dad quits games when he is mad. My cousin pushed me to the floor. I got up and said that was messed up and walked away. My ex one day was sleeping and her aunt went into her room and woke her up and my ex got upset and slapped her. I'm just saying I know how to react for certain things. I don't want you all thinking I'm just a crazy person or something... Im just a bit sad.
I don't think you're crazy Emo, I think you're obsessed. There's a fine line between the two. ;)
Read what you just wrote, your last post. You can't help but mention your ex. You have to give examples that include her. Do you realize that? Do you know why? Because you can't let it go.
You'll never figure out what happened or why it happened, because only she knows why she left.
When you can let the question "why" go, then you'll get rid of your sadness and you'll be able to move on. Until then, you're stuck being sad reliving the past.
Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
You know what I think is very sad? Well, you probably don't know so I'm going to tell you.
YOU have posted that your ego and confidence are balanced by YOUR humbleness, appreciation (?) and kindness (and if that isn't egotistical, then I don't know what is) - and then you've gone on to brag about how well you handled things after YOU compared your cousin's actions to the (apparent) shortcomings of his father. You think saying something to the effect of "Don't be like your father" is a COMPLIMENT? You think that is appropriate or kind?
I think you are so wrapped up in punishing yourself or making yourself suffer or simply wallowing in self pity that you can't even see yourself.
Sad, indeed, and, again - I know why your girlfriend walked and I'll bet the next one walks, too, unless you change. You were clearly obsessed with a movie. Now you're clearly obsessed with a female. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...mes-94908.html
I think you have problems in that area.
Judykatetee... You are taking all of my words a bit too exact and looking wayyy tooo deep into them. You should stop lying and saying you know why my ex left me because if you knew the entire story I'm the jerk who stood when I should have left her! Your posts have not helped me at all. I can find enemies elsewhere but I still thank you for trying whatever it is you were trying. By ego I meant that I don't look down upon myself. Don't turn my words around and make me look bad. I'm having a hard time as it is. And yes I shouldn't say don't be like your dad and I haven't said it after that. I wasn't trying to be hurtful towards my cousin. Why would I? You are not getting what I was trying to say. I'm just nice. Its who I am and that's it. I can't get all depressed because I said something that hurt my cousin and that doesn't make me unkind. How is it that you view things? It's a bit strange to me. If little things like these are big deals in your life, I wonder how things in your life are. I may be down right now but this is the only area in my life not going well. Overall I am happy but I would love to get over this fast! Thank you.
Maybe I just have to stop talking about it! I am thankful for all your responses today Altenweg and all your efforts to help me. Thank you friend4u and amicon and smoothy as well! Thank you JudyKateTee. I have to learn to just let it go. Do you think a point will come where I won't care anymore and stop this torture?
I was bored yesterday so I planned a poker/football night and had a great time and I went to a party after and kissed a girl I used to like when I was younger... lol Nothing serious. I am going to the tyra banks show on Tuesday! I am nearly 100% finished with my room. I start school in 2 weeks and I'm quite nervous about that. Something new. I have to keep trying to see the good right?
Talking about it is good, if you move forward. You're not moving forward in the way you think. I don't know any other way to make you see it, I've said it every way I can think to say it, but I don't think you're getting it.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
Saying "I had a bad day because something reminded my ex" that's normal, natural and yes, it will pass.
Saying "I had a bad day because something reminded my ex and did I tell you about the time 2 years ago that she yelled at me because I had a surprise for her and then she denied me sex and went to sleep on my couch and I drove her home and she was mad. I don't understand why she was mad. Can you tell me why she was mad? I did everything for her, I was such a good boyfriend and she treated me like dirt. Why? Why? Why?". That's not normal or natural. It happened and you seem to want to torture yourself about every little thing that went wrong in your relationship. Why? It's over. Live and learn, move on to better things, but most of all, get your head out of the past!
Altenweg, its not me... I wish I could. Its my mind. It controls everything so I don't know what to do. It thinks and thinks about so many good times... I probably talk about the bad so much to try and change things in my mind. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time. I don't want to contact her or be with her even though I wish things worked out. I just want this to be over with. I do get it. I just need to pass this phase and fast!
The mind often works against you. That's why I recommended that you stay busy, so that your mind won't have as much opportunity to put these thoughts into your head.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
The next time that you think about her, about the times you had, I want you to do something for me. I don't know if this will work, but lets give it a try.
I want you to hear my voice, I want you to hear me saying "Emo, it's in the past, forget the past, look forward, step forward. Do it!"
Can you try that?
Then I want you to write down something about your day that made you happy, something that doesn't involve her at all.
I also want you to try something new every day. Even if it's something small like making your eggs in a different way, I want you to try something new and I want you to write about it here.
Okay?
We're going to get you over this bump in the road that you've turned into a mountain. You're just lucky I'm not afraid of heights. ;)
Emo, you're scared of change and the future. Don't give me the 'I changed for her' story again. You didn't change for the right reasons and I think both of you knew it. You changed your habits to hold on to her and the illusion of stability your relationship held. She was what you knew and you are still attempting to hold on to the memories with both hands.Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
You need to make changes because they are good for you and they are what you want. You have been doing that and I am glad (school, your room, the gym... ).
When we face an unknown situation (or change) it is common for our subconscious to bring up old memories and thoughts. It is like looking at a wall covered in dots and seeing shapes and faces. They aren't really there. Our minds just want something familiar to have a reference point even if they have to create the picture. The pictures mean absolutely nothing other than you need new reference points.
I want you to keep an open mind about making new friends when you go back to school. Don't worry about how long they will be in your life or how much it will hurt if/when you or they move on. Enjoy the time you have with them whether it is one month or one decade.
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