I haven't been on this thread for a long time but I always return because I can learn a lot from you. It's nothing personal, but you did a lot of mistakes and people learn from it.

You think too much. You are saying so many right things, but it seems it's really hard for you to apply them. You think too much of love and life in general, and it is hindering your own healing. Some times you just need to accept facts and move on with life, let it take you in its flow. Like Nike's ad: "just do it".

I always have been overanalytical and critical of my own self. I cannot just turn it off but I can ackowledge it and control it which is what I am choosing now. Yesterday was just one of those days.

Well tonight I went to hang out with my friend who is my ex's roommate. She asked me to pick her up since it was dark outside and she did not feel safe. While we were on the phone my ex told her for me to pick up my belongings too that I asked for. I went over there and it was awkward. Mt ex pretended like nothing happened and was talking to me about decorating the apartment. My friend then went upstairs to get jacket and my ex and I were alone. We talked about our vacations and kept it simple/polite.

I was painful for me to see her again. It hurt me so much to see her because I know she is not the one for me. I know that we will not happen. I know I need to stay single and continue my life. But seeing her beauty, poise, and hearing her voice my my heart sink. I cam back to my dorm and hung out with my friend. Now I am distracting myself with my photography but it sucks to have broken NC because it shows me that I am not over her yet.

Oh, well back to NC.

Things like this are bound to happen. The important thing is that you've taken the first step. You've accepted the fact that its over and you've cut that last thread of hope. You'll have good days and bad days, but at least you know that NC is the best thing for you to do now.

Hang in there bud, it'll get better - I promise!

Yeah, I am trying to stay as confident as possible but things have not been going well.

My taekwondo instructor called me tonight and tore me a new one because a certain situation (cannot go into detail) got out of hand and she thought I was at fault. I explained to her the situation and she apologized but she was still mad at the situation. I still feel horrible because even though I did not anything wrong (she agrees) I still feel bad.

Secondly, seeing the ex doesn't help. Hearing from this last girl that she does not want to date sucks too because I feel like we could have had something great.

I just get this feeling that one bad thing is happening after another and it is not stopping. I am staying optimistic but its getting to a point where I am getting a little sick of it. First semester was one s**t show that made me go crazy.


How ling will this last? How can I stay sane?

Since you are so lost, staying single is a good idea for you. You can stay sane by just letting go. If you let go of all your expectations you will find peace.

I can put in another way. Did you ever go to the beach and just looked at the ocean, relaxed everything, and just letting go by the beauty of it? Well you need to put yourself in this perspective. You also need to find yourself and to be happy single, which your are clearly not here.

I am just having a few bad days of the "ex withdrawals" that was caused by several little things. It will get better soon.

I put on my old sweatshirt and it still smells like her so I am about to go to sleep in it. Sad, I know but... I really have no answer. Good night.

Hmm-washing the T-shirt comes to mind.. .

Yea, true that. How long has it been now? Please tell me that you don't have a hair doll constructed with all the lose hairs of hers you found in your apartment?

I'm sorry if my first comment seemed rough, but you really should clean all objects that remind you of your ex and put them in a box out of sight. Or trash them, like I did. It just depends on what they are and how valuable they are to you.

Hey A4Effort. I totally can relate when you said you saw her and saw her beauty and poise. That's how I feel too and I know I would feel the same way so that's why I do everything in my power to stay away. Sometimes my mind fools me to think I'm okay and that I should see her but I don't fall for it. I worked wayyy too hard to get where I am and I'm only moving further and hoping for better. We are strong. Take off that sweatshirt. Forget Taekwondo... Show me your real strength now from the heart!! That's where it's at! I was online just now on myspace and I saw her name as a friend I may know. I was going to click on it but instead I deleted the recommendation. It's all about strength. Plus the great advice I've been getting from Altenweg and Cat and Friend4U and T-Man and IWish, there's no way I can let them down. They care a lot more than my ex ever did so why give her that power? The people here care for us and our strength together with these amazing people and God, what can stop us? This isn't for the weak. I'm willing to take the difficut road because at the end I know I will win! So will you if you use some inner strength. You are smart. Hang in there. No more setbacks!

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Originally Posted by Yosomoton213

I'm sorry if my first comment seemed rough, but you really should clean all objects that remind you of your ex and put them in a box out of sight. Or trash them, like I did. It just depends on what they are and how valuable they are to you.

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To be honest, I trashed everything that even made me think of her the first week. I have nothing of hers. No letters, objects, presents, etc... This sweatshirt I got back yesterday and it was a bad idea in the first place. It set me back but now its time to continue moving forward.

Last night was rough especially because other little annoyances have been occurring so it made it tough to stay strong. I saw my ex last night when I went to pick up my friend and that made me sad. Smelling the sweatshirt reminded me of her.

I am just wondering why I am so sensitive with this matter. I mean by now you would think I would be over her. I mean with the amount of work I have, the amount of socializing I do, and my personal drive, you would think that I would have enough will power to get over this too.

I am angry at myself for being so weak and I usually do not screw up. I am a perfectionist so most of the time I try to do things right the first time. But with this its just one mistake after another.

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do... it's all any of us can do at the moment.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do...it's all any of us can do at the moment.

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Exactly, I think it is important to make sure you acknowledge your feelings and accept them. Yesterday, even though I was down, I still told myself that this was just a phase that will disappear. I told myself to accept the feelings, work though it, and tomorrow will be a better day.

Also, I keep telling myself over and over that I am solely responsible for my own happiness. I need to make myself happy and I need to stop dwelling on the past so much. I just need to continue learning how to be single. Its not as easy as I thought it would be especially since I did not want to be single to begin with. I was put in this situation and now I have to adjust.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

A4: So I saw my ex over the weekend. We broke up in August of 2008 and I haven't seen her since March of 2009 (or somewhere close to that range). It definitely wasn't as easy as I thought it would be nor was I completely un-phased by it. Imagine being broken up that long and still having some residual feelings after seeing her (yet I still preach to myself and others that I am completely over her). On the flip side, I am still alive and doing well. She seemed to be the one who was kind of awestruck by seeing me having fun and not letting her being there impact me.

I know how you feel and it sucks. Just one of those things you have to cope with and be patient with yourself. I should be irritated as all get out that she still has some sort of pull on my emotions, but I'm not. I accept it and deal with it and that's all you can do...it's all any of us can do at the moment.

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So true. Same thing happened to me and I think it is more than normal to have residual feelings. As long as it doesn't (or very little) affect you, life goes on. The only advice I can give you is to be patient, take care of yourselves and look toward a brighter future.

So I need some help. I have mentioned before that I am going to this social justice retreat this weekend. It is a great time and I really enjoy listening to others tell their story. But there is one kink in this story and that is that my ex is one of the facilitators.

Now myself and another 40 ish students will be going to this retreat. I will be seeing her often throughout the weekend and obviously by doing that I will be breaking NC. What is the best way to go about this?

I wanted to drop out but I do not want her to control my life. I know that I will be having some feelings while she is there and I do not know how to control them.

Any suggestions?

Keep minimal contact. Don't have unnecessary conversations. Keep things professional. Separate business and pleasure. Converse with other people, like you said there's 40 other people there for you to talk to anyway.

You are there for a reason, social justice. Nothing else. Go about it like you don't even know she is there. When you do run into her, stick to strictly business. Like I wish said, don't go off having any conversations with her that are not about the retreat.

So this is painful. We briefly said hi and that is basically the only contact we had. We were sitting all in a big group discussion and we made eye contact. We both gave each other an endearing look. I see her all the time. I am doing my best to avoid her and focus on this trip. I talked to a friend and she basically told me it took her a year and a half to get over her ex. I am really hurt and sad. When I am on NC I feel much better but this much time together is hurting me. 2 more days of this. Please help me through this.

I hope that is gets easier as the weekend continues. Make sure you talk to and socialize with lots of other people.

There must be the option of leaving early?if it gets too much for you-but you chose to go,so stick it out.

As for it taking somebody
18 months to get over any ex; there are no hard and fast rules.
We are all different.

All the best now.
Come back if you need to.

Today is another day. I never dream but last night I had one. I dreamed that her an I are getting back together. I am taking 50 steps back in my recovery when it comes to my emotions. I have to stick through this.

I guess so.
Time to reflect-was it worth breaking NC?
I don't think you'll know till you get back.

Like any other challenge, you need to learn to adjust to your surroundings and overcome the obstacles. This is no different. Bear in mind the reason you're on this trip. Focus on those aspects.

If you feel like it's such a drag to be there, then it's going to be a long and painful trip. Focus on the positives of the trip and make the most of it.

Hang in there A4Effort! This is one big journey and one day you will see why you are going through this. Perhaps to be an example to others who are not as strong as you or to be a role model for other reasons. You will be fine and when you feel down just remind yourself that you are suppose to feel sad and it's okay for now. Telling yourself you are not suppose to be sad can make it last longer. We all care for your well being and continue coming back and we will help. Stay strong and remember all your strengths. Remember to Man Up! Hope this cheers you up but be a man now and stand up to this dilemma!!

Well I must say the day ended up pretty well. Most of the day I spent my time involving myself with the social justice program. It was a heavy load and it distracted me very much from the ex. After day ended we had free time. I took this time to have fun an get to know some people. I went outside at looked at the stars with some people, went sledding, and just hung out. I met this wonderful girl
there who I could just hang out with. We played mini soccer and just talked. I also started a dance party which I am very proud of.

But I did see the ex. I was talking
to one of my friends and she came up
to my friend. My friend ended up leaving and her and I were alone. We talked a bit about the retreat and other random little stuff. She told me
how she really enjoys talking to me and how she misses it. From there we talked a bit more before going our own ways. It was very nice talking to he but the whole time I just wanted to kiss her. My heart was not sad. I dd not dwell on it long and I occupied myself so I would not think about it.

I did make one mistake. We have a bag with our names on them that people can use to put little notes in them. I wrote her a note that said: I have learned much about myself in our relationship an you have shown me new ideas, ways, etc... And I would like to thank you for that. I hope you are happy and good lucknon your future endevours.




Then I ended the note with "I will always love you" buy j wrote it in Bosnian.

I know I suck but to be completely honest I am not depressed an do not feel down.

It sounds as though you were able to handle the situation very maturely and positively. When your ex came over to speak to you (she may have come over to speak to your friend but it would have been you that she wanted to speak to really) tell us how you felt, what was going through your mind? Did you find it easy talking to her? Did she find it easy talking to you? Would you say being able to talk with her at this stage made you feel as though you had accomplished something more long term with your own personal recovery? Sounds to me like you have. Maybe you both have in your own ways.

Man I would not be able to deal with things if I saw and spoke with my ex... I would take longer healing.

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Originally Posted by glenboy123

It sounds as though you were able to handle the situation very maturely and positively. When your ex came over to speak to you (she may have come over to speak to your friend but it would have been you that she wanted to speak to really) tell us how you felt, what was going through your mind? Did you find it easy talking to her? Did she find it easy talking to you? Would you say being able to talk with her at this stage made you feel as though you had accomplished something more long term with your own personal recovery? Sounds to me like you have. Maybe you both have in your own ways.

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Well, while we were talking I felt fine. We even ended up dancing together that night and it felt... well it felt like it was the norm. Holding her and feeling her body against mine felt amazing. It felt like for that one moment everything in the universe was perfect. But I knew we would never get back together and I had no hopes for anything. Afterwards I made sure to distract myself immediately with friends and the retreat. I do still love her. I will always have a special place in my heart for her but I also know that we will have to go our own separate paths. I do miss her. She is a wonderful woman that has thought me a lot. But I also I will one day be happy again with another person. I also have learned that I am able to find my own happiness through my own personal journey. After I came home I did not wallow. Instead I went to the gym and finished my homework. I am proud of myself for having been able to do that instead of turning depressed.


That first love is the hardest.

You seem to have handled the weekend well-and I hope you're still OK with how it went?

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Originally Posted by amicon

You seem to have handled the weekend well-and I hope you're still ok with how it went?

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Yes I am. I am able to acknowledge how I feel, control/deal with the emotions, and still continue living my life. I know my feelings will never disappear for her. Right now they are still strong but hopefully with some more time they will diminish. I am still happy. I do not feel I need to fill any voids.

Way to go-so well done you!

Wow! Can we talk about a curveball please. Tonight was my second gallery exhibit. Everything was going well. I was surrounded by faculty, friends, family, etc... Nothing could have gone wrong. I was showing two series of work. One dealt with social justice and was more journalistic and the other one was more artistic and dealt with salient memories from my life which included my first love.



Half-way through the event my ex walks in. My jaw dropped wide open. I did not at any point tell her that I was having an exhibit. There has been advertising but she found out through her roommate, whom I invited to the opening. She was there near all my family, friends, and other significant people in my life. We talked for a bit and talked abou the work. One photograph had writing on it that talked about my anger with the break up. She read it and asked me a few questions.

I just talked to her about the art work and other few minor things before joining my friends and family. I just couln't believe that she came.

Why would she do that? She is the one who broke up with me. Why is coming back in my life? I do not want to have any hopes of anything. Why is she doing this to me? It is driving me crazy and I need an answer. How do I deal with this?

Please help!

Despite the curiosity on her part, and the shock on your part, its not worth dwelling on. But you know that already. Take this as a test to show you were your at in your healing process.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Despite the curiosity on her part, and the shock on your part, its not worth dwelling on. But you know that already. Take this as a test to show you were your at in your healing process.

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I know Tal. But even with the retreat, she is the one initiating conversations, etc... I have been very good at keeping NC and moving on with my life. Why does she make the effort to check in on me? Does she feel guilty for breaking up with me? Does she want to be friends?

When we broke up for the second time I told her straight to her face that after this break up I would never take her back ever again.

I think the problem is you haven't been clear in expressing your not ready for a friendship. That's probably what she wants. If your not ready, be honest about it.

I will have to be next time she pulls off something like that.

What bothers me the most is that she came to this event in front of all my close friends and family. They all know what happened and what she did to me. To me, her showing up, was very disrespectful.

So what? How you handle her "disrespect" is what counts.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

So what? How you handle her "disrespect" is what counts.

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So what? Come on! How can I just let her come in and out of my life like that? When someone hurts me this much I cannot just let them in my life again. I can't! Especially when I still have feelings for her. I cannot have her in my life at this time. I have told her this before. People always say I am too polite/nice. I should just go tell to F off.

But... I did think rationally and I think I handled it well. I just kept polite with her and treated her like any other guest.

That's my point, as whatever her motives or intentions, you basically held true to yourself. That's a good thing, and a victory, as opposed to let her make you react out of your own nature. That's what was mean't by "so what".

Most ex's loooooove to keep tabs on what we're up to in life. It's pure curiosity, plain and simple. I've had ex's from over 10 years ago contact me out of the blue... it's like they have this sixth sense and can tell when you're doing fine in life. Let's look at the facts here for a minute - you did invite her roommate. Even if you did not tell your ex directly, don't you think she was bound to find out? I am not one bit surprised she showed up...

Disrespect? Hmmm. Perhaps from your point of view. I see it as more like an annoying rash that won't go away. :cool:

But let's give credit where credit is due - I will most definitely give you kudos for handling the situation nicely though. My policy whenever you bump into an ex is to keep it polite and brief.