Ask Me Help Desk - My "first love" story revisited

I know exactly what your going through. I hated how I gave my ex my all and somehow it still wasn't enough. It seemed like everything she said was a lie when she left me. I know its hard at first I cried so much when she left and I tried so many things to try and get her back and all it did was push her farther away to the point where I got mad at myself deep down inside and let out all my feelings to her. It felt good when I did it because I hated how she turned out to be the girl I never thought she could be. I look back now knowing that NC really helped me out as I sticked to it and got through all of this sh*t. You will too, you just have to actually apply it to yourself and keep all your bad thoughts to yourself and let them out on your own time when your alone and don't go to her. Don't let yourself down because it will just restart the process. You can do it you just have to believe and get through it because in the end you will be more then amazed with everything you achieved.

Yeah, I definitely take my anger out through my martial arts and working out. It calms me down and it enables me to let all my anger out through bunching bags and physically challenging myself. There is so much that I wish I could tell her but I will not give her that satisfaction. I am applying NC all the way until I heal. I do not want to be friends with her. Im not going to wallow and be sad anymore. I need to stop focusing on her and start focusing on myself. I need to take care of myself and be the driven, ambitious, dedicated, and self confident man that I am.

Well here comes the rollercoaster. I am thinking about how she tells me her love changed for me and how she was able to move on so easily. That hurts so much. My love never changed for her. I don't even want to think about this but it just floats around in my head. I feel like my heart is being used as a punching bag.

Your so caught up in your own emotions, you can't see straight.

You know what brought me some understanding, when my feelings changed for a girl I was dating who was willing to do anything for me. That sucked to disappoint, and hurt someone like that, I mean deeply hurt.

Being on the other side of the fence, gave me a whole different perspective, of not only myself, but others.

One day you'll have the same understanding. Keep living.

How can I NOT be caught up in my emotions? What can I do to stop that? I mean keeping busy, being social, etc... only helps when I am engaged in those activities. But I cannot be busy 24/7.

What is the best way to deal with these emotions? Let them all out? Write them down? Keep them inside? Post them here?

Quote:

Originally Posted by A4Effort

How can I NOT be caught up in my emotions? What can I do to stop that? I mean keeping busy, being social, etc....only helps when I am engaged in those activities. But I cannot be busy 24/7.

What is the best way to deal with these emotions? Let them all out? Write them down? Keep them inside? Post them here?

Post them on here or when you have alone time let your emotions out to yourself it might hurt since you have been building it up inside but letting them all out will make you feel a lot better! Write them down, post on here, etc.

Take the pain, and next time you want to do something stupid, bite your tongue real hard. You have to understand logically and rationally, that those repeated mistakes won't help you get better, only NC will. Read the posts around and you'll see.

I wonder though how long before the next incident. *sigh* yet again.

Well since I am up doing homework like crazy I thought I would take a break and let my feelings out. This is directed towards my ex but since I do not want to directly tell her this I am letting it out here.

I cannot believe how you have changed. I have given you 2 years of my life. I have given you 100% of myself. I was there when you needed someone the most. When you cried I was your shoulder. When you were happy I smiled with you. When you accomplished something great I was there to applaud you. When you had a rough day at work I was there to give you a body massage. When you were in the mood I was there to please you. We embarked on many journeys together. You showed me what love was. You made me believe that you were the one for me. You told me how we could be together for a long time. You told me how I was the one for you. Here you are now. You lost all feelings for me. You want to be friends. You want to see other people. You do not want to be with me. You forgot how good I made you feel. You forgot the countless hours I spent with you. You forgot the trips we took, the passion we shared, the conversations we had, the adventures we went on, and you forgot me. Your family took me in as their son. They loved me and were very glad to have met me. Your brother who almost beat your ex to death loved me. There was not one sister, mother, cousin, uncle, etc.. Who did not love me. The only person who did not love me was you. You lied to me. You kept me on a string. Why did you not leave the first time? I wish I never took you back. I can't stand looking at you anymore. Your heart has turned dark and you are not the person I thought you were. My mind was clouded by your beauty and by your wonderful traits. You are heartless and afraid of commitment. I swear to god that one day you will look back and realize that you made a huge mistake. I will show you who I am and what I can become. I have worked hard my entire life to get where I am. I am determined to make the best out of my cards. You had it easy your entire life. Your parents pamper you in every way and paid every bill. You do not understand hard work. You do not understand pain. You are not the woman for me. I finally can see clearly now. I know I will find one day the woman who will be committed to me. I will find the one who will truly love me. She will not have doubts and once I find her I will give her everything. My heart is filled with pain because of you. My fists are clinched and my vains are filled with anger. But I will not give you the satisfaction you seek. Go and find that man that you seek. Go find out who the hell you want to be. I wish you well and I hope you learn more about love, life, and yourself. F*** you. I was too good for you. You did not deserve anything I gave you. You did not deserve my love. You did not deserve commitment. I should have left you a while ago but I did not realize it. I was inexperienced with this love thing. I am glad I was able to experience it. It is not the first time I have felt great pain. I take this pain and turn it into motivation. I will become stronger and better in every way. You do not know the drive that I posses. I will work until my back breaks until I accomplish my goals. "Per aspera ad astra." "Through the thorns towards the sky." I will go through these thorns. I will be cut. I will hurt. But these thorns will not stop me. I will touch the sky. My wounds will heal.

Wow, reading what I wrote yesterday is crazy. I need to stop worrying about this whole deal. I do not have time to be a mess. It felt very good though to let it out. I need to learn how to focus on myself rather then continue thinking about her. We are done and she needs to leave my thoughts/mind. I am having difficulties with just letting it go. Is there something that I can do to make it easier on myself? Or is this what I have to endure as I apply NC?

There will probably be ups and downs until there are no more downs that's human.
Keep posting and have,as you said, nothing more to do with the ex.
It takes time but you have a great life to look forward to.

Yes you do have to endure. Sometimes the thought of pain hurts worse than the actual pain. You will get use to it though, and make adjustments.

That's how you learned to ride a bike isn't it? Had you given up when you fell down, you wouldn't learn. So the fact is when life knocks you down, get back up, and keep moving forward.

Over time you LEARN to let go.

Confession: I didn't know any of these things back in my youth, (I was a really bad listener) and some lessons it took some very hard slaps upside my thick skull to get it right. Just trying to save you some slaps upside your head, because as you get older they still hurt sometimes, and maybe your head was not as thick as mine.

Yep,
We're basically trying to save you from more pain, NC is tough and hard, but everyday that passes it GETS easier. Especially if you take care of yourself full time.

I am so hurt. The last six months was all one big lie. I can't believe how I was used by her. I believed she changed. I can't even describe the pain that is inside me.

I feel so used. I feel I was taken advantage of. What did I do to deserve this? My heart is bleeding and I can't make it stop. How can someone be so evil and use me for their own needs. I gave her everything.

I need a break. This happened during the worst week possible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by A4Effort

I am so hurt. The last six months was all one big lie. I can't believe how I was used by her. I believed she changed. I can't even describe the pain that is inside me.

I feel so used. I feel I was taken advantage of. What did I do to deserve this? My heart is bleeding and I can't make it stop. How can someone be so evil and use me for their own needs. I gave her everything.

I need a break. This happened during the worst week possible.

I felt the same thing. It will soon fade after time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by A4Effort

I am so hurt. The last six months was all one big lie. I can't believe how I was used by her. I believed she changed. I can't even describe the pain that is inside me.

I feel so used. I feel I was taken advantage of. What did I do to deserve this? My heart is bleeding and I can't make it stop. How can someone be so evil and use me for their own needs. I gave her everything.

I need a break. This happened during the worst week possible.

Yep... and the hurt and pain will keep going on as long as you let it. Only you can let go of all this.

Blaming your problems on her, accusations of being slighted, all the self-pity and loathing isn’t her, it’s you. Let it go. It’s over. Quit thinking about it and damn sure quit wallowing in it. Allow it to run off you like water on a duck’s back.

How do I do this? I know I need to stick to nc. But how do I let go?

Quote:

Originally Posted by A4Effort

How do I do this? I know I need to stick to nc. But how do I let go?

By giving yourself more time to heal.

Take a chill pill and get yourself busy. Don't make any more mistakes! Be strong and have some sense of pride!

Yeah after this week I'm going to take some time off from work and relax for once. I'm am very stressed out right now and having to deal with this is not as easy. But I'm not here to pity myself. I will work hard and get through this. What has happened, has happened. Time to pick my a** off the floor.

I feel so dead.

I have been running on only a few hours of sleep these past few days. I have work over my head and it does not look like it will stop any time soon. My face hurts from having to put this fake smile on my face. I am not wallowing in my pain, just writing my feelings down. I am moving on but this is so hard. I know things will get better soon but I am in the now and this is how I feel.

I just want to give up. I want to drop everything. I need a break. I will snap if I do not get myself in control soon. My motivation to do my work has been diminishing day by day. I feel like I am on auto pilot. My body is moving on its own but my mind is somewheres else. My heart is in pain and time is not moving fast enough. I don't know how much longer I can stay confident and strong.

I give up.