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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks Tao,

I wouldnt say I stopped, but maybe havent been as dilligent and forgetting some key things. I will try & work harder.

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Don't try to work harder! Don't even go in that direction.

Instead, do the inventory on those three questions. Let that give you insight. Once you have some of that, I suggest a new approach. This is because I doubt you will remember what to do with the original procedure or know how to take it to its conclusion.

This time, do some prep work—breathing, etc— and BE the part of you that hurts (Yes, I know that this is difficult, but it's a source of energy right now.) and let your desire to be out of pain draw you into the work. Just let go to it. Let it pull you into a dialog.

Then you can alternately be both the part that hurts and the conscious mind, you as you know yourself to be. Take turns and speak in both voices. You can even switch chairs and take on each persona. Have fun with it. Experiment and explore role playing. Take on the role of every part that talks to you. You want to continue what is working, stop what is not working, and invent, import (learn), or imagine what is missing suddenly being there.

The goal is the same as before: Find out what you are getting from this drawn out pattern, and, if you agree that you need it, find other ways to get it, ways that don't include suffering over this relationship any longer.

Tao

Thanks, tao,

I will do the inventory and listen.

I often tell people, its not what life throws at you, its how you cope with it. We all get knocked down, but it's the ones who keep getting up, that succeed.

Tao is right, an honest self inventory is what will give you a path to where you want to be.

I have no doubt you can do this, and be successful.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.
I will let you know what I discover...

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I get so mad now that I am dwelling on this. I want it to stop. Sometimes I yell at myself to stop. I wish there was some magic pill I could take to remove her from my thoughts.

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Van, I have been here. I have yelled at myself for giving thoughts to the ex and I have yelled at myself for past behaviors that seem so ridicules once the moment has passed. Sometimes it can feel like temporary insanity when you keep having thoughts about someone who wronged you and all you ever wanted was the best for them. But that's just it, if you want to give your best to someone and they are unwilling or incapable of being at your level of giving to them then you don't deserve them.

I can't give you a magic pill other then to tell you that when those thoughts pop up I constantly say "There will be something good to come from this, find it." If you tell your brain something good will come of this then your brain will start seeking out answers to it. Sometimes loss really isn't loss when you look back later and realize what you gained from the experience. Sometimes you don't see what your getting in the moment but later you realize you got more from a bad situation then you would have ever got if things stayed the same.

Thanks Chuff, you have it pegged.

As a freelancer, I spend a lot of time alone & its been challenging not to dwell especially at night.

Went to the beach today & did a lot of soul searching & thought that I have lived these past 2 months without her & have done what Ive been able to do to heal. I didn't jump off that bridge as I felt a month ago & realize that time & good thoughts are on my side. I just need to let go of her and I feel like Im still grasping at times. Not sure what for exactly.

Once again your statement of turning a negative thought around helps.

You are right, sometimes when you are in that moment & thoughts are bouncing around it snowballs & becomes hard to stay clear & focused. Hopefully I can learn to better control these feelings when these thoughts pop-up. I don't wish to dwell anymore on her or this breakup. I don't want to feel pain anymore.

I appreciate yours and everyone's advice

You shouldn't sweat it man, this is just a setback you were going through. I felt like I was struggling to breathe, like I was already dead inside. It will get a lot easier in time. I felt exactly like you and have went (and still going) through everything you are. It's been nearly 3 months since I started NC and things have gotten a LOT better for me. Be patient my friend, you will shed that skin and find yourself refreshed.

Thanks aj.

I am a very patient person. Im way better than a few weeks ago. Im just taking each day as a learning experience, as tough as it may be. I can't wait until I feel like myself again & am able to finally close the door on this. Sometimes I feel like so much time has already passed & Ive been wasting it dwelling on someone I know doesn't deserve me. Weird.

Van, you've made so much progress in the short time you've come here, if you look at some of your first posts to now you can see the difference. Give yourself some more time and some more growth and your going to be even stronger and better. Getting back to your base is actually great for you because it will get you in touch with yourself again and not the person who is kind of "floating" at times. Don't forget to give yourself credit, you've gone through hell and you deserve credit for finding the road out and taking it. Some people never do or some people wait hoping for something to get better when it never will. You took action and are still taking it. You've done a great job, got some new friends, gained some new insight, learned about the true you, got life lessons and grown as a individual. You really have gained from this experience, but you have to frame it correctly and recognize it for your brain to accept it.

Chuff, I appreciate that very much.

I feel that Ive been strong, see it, but I think don't believe it for some reason. Maybe because I still experience setbacks. Maybe I am waiting for full recory to realize that.

I was writing the days of NC on my calendar & stopped at 49, (I was actually sick of being reminded of it) but wrote down the 60 day mark with a note that said "How strong are you?"

I can honestly say that without the help here on my thread, Im not sure what I would have done. Really shows the importance of NC and the unselfish and caring advice exhibited here.

Thanks for this.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Chuff, i appreciate that very much.

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Happy to point out the truth.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I feel that Ive been strong, see it, but I think dont believe it for some reason. Maybe because I still experience setbacks. Maybe I am waiting for full recory to realize that.

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I can relate. I don't know if I can explain it. But I know when I've been in your spot I could see with some clarity and realize how much better I was and what I was gaining but still not accept it. I think that is the part of you that that is still grasping wanting her to realize she made a mistake and come back. When you can finally put that part away or talk some sense into it or just give it more time you can move forward.

I used to get mad at myself for always thinking about an ex and I just started talking to myself when I was angry and asked, "Is this really helping?" "Why do the thoughts of her continue to come up?" What am I gaining by continuing to think of her?" I mean I actually have a conversation with my brain and start throwing questions back looking for answers. I think that can help you. Having said that, you were in a 5 year relationship and you are only a couple of months removed, you have to give yourself some time and accept this is a sudden and shocking life change. Nothing wrong with that, but don't let it bother you that the thoughts are still there as this is a realitively fresh and quite honestly a new experience.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I was writing the days of NC on my calendar & stopped at 49, (I was actually sick of being reminded of it) but wrote down the 60 day mark with a note that said "How strong are you?"

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You didn't call her. You didn't send an email. You saw her silence and dealt it right back harder then she could even when she needed to steal some of your strength with contact to appease her own selfish needs.

How strong are you? Stronger then her.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I can honestly say that without the help here on my thread, Im not sure what I would have done. Really shows the importance of NC and the unselfish and caring advice exhibited here.

Thanks for this.

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I wish I had a forum like this myself when I was younger. I've learned so much from this board. Honestly, I've learned so much from this thread. It isn't just us giving you, it's all of us getting something.

Thanks,

Ive asked myself the very same questions when I think of her. You're right about talking some sense to yourself. As tao said "what am I doing?" or "what am I gaining from this"

Sometimes when you talk I think that you and others are right inside my head.
Im so glad that Im not going through this alone.

Van

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks,

Ive asked myself the very same questions when I think of her. Youre right about talking some sense to yourself. As tao said "what am I doing?" or "what am I gaining from this"

Sometimes when you talk I think that you and others are right inside my head.
Im so glad that Im not going through this alone.

van

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We're all learning. It's gratifying.

OMG
When I read this, I got choked up.

Then realized that how gratifying this whole experience has been for me and can be. Not only here.

Pretty revealing. Tao, you have such a way.

When I posted again, felt weird & needy & honestly wondered if you guys could help me more. Didn't want to rely on you. Felt weak. But once again...

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Originally Posted by vanheart

OMG
When I read this, I got choked up.

Then realized that how gratifying this whole experience has been for me and can be. Not only here.

Pretty revealing. Tao, you have such a way.

When I posted again, felt weird & needy & honestly wondered if you guys could help me more. Didnt want to rely on you. Felt weak. But once again....

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I have friends who I might not see for 5-10 years at a time; but when we connect long-distance, we are simply there for each other. These are powerful, competent people who recognize areas in themselves that need outside support, intervention, sometimes interruption, emotional nourishment, catalysis and more. I feel that way myself, and welcome their contributions to my well being.

To rely on such friends is not the same as being needy. Needy usually means that a person will suck up all the free energy other people have to give and do nothing with it. Needy people need to get energy and attention, but "getting" is where they stop. Getting satisfies them for a moment, assuages the wounded beast within and puts it to sleep. They have no idea about how to receive from another and to grow what they received into something greater, then to bring it back to the originator as shared nourishment.

Without this sharing, we are like the guys who love the "chase" of getting a girl, the idea of "conquest," but who fail to show up for any kind of sustained relationship. In that pattern, our "relationship" is with a story, a metaphor of conquest embedded in our minds. Having a real relationship with another human being, as you know well, involves risk and loss and personal transformation; we know that when we dare to love another, we will be emptied out before Life fills us up again. It takes guts.

That's why it is important that you keep communicating with us, letting us know your status and process until your problem is as solved as it is going to get. We might not get you squeaky clean, but we will stand by you for as long as it takes for you to be no longer suffering unnecessarily. Then, we each look in the mirror and, seeing our resemblance to you, we grow.

Tao

Thanks.
I will be back.

Just got this email from my ex...

"Hi, i am coming to Vancouver next week and would really love to see you. I get there thursday next week and leave tuesday.
No matter what i write feels wrong... but i hope you will see me, i hope we can talk.
love"

I won't respond or see her, but I can't help this making me feel awful.
Not sure what she wants at this point.

I suppose if she wanted to say something heartfelt or whatever, she would have done so already. I can't be her friend anymore.

Just when I think its getting easier, it feels harder.

Great step forward! A lot of people would have caved at that e-mail. You are standing your ground, be proud of yourself here!

Thanks, but not feeling too proud right now.
Feel sick to my stomach & shaking.

I hate that these emails effect my so much.

Sucks.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Just got this email from my ex...

"Hi, i am coming to Vancouver next week and would really love to see you. I get there thursday next week and leave tuesday.
No matter what i write feels wrong... but i hope you will see me, i hope we can talk.
love"

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Did you catch what I caught. Read it again then focus on the red part that I conviently highlighted. Someone's feeling guilty. She's not looking to get back together but she is looking for you to make her feel not guilty by confirming you will meet with her, or at the very least respond to the email.

The best thing you can say to her is silence.

Also, can't you block her emails?

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I wont respond or see her, but I can't help this making me feel awful. Not sure what she wants at this point.

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You have no reason to feel awful for anything. If anything you should feel pride that you are not as weak as she is, and you are stronger then she gave you credit for.

What she wants is to know that you will say "it's okay that you dumped me." Not in those words, but she's looking to give you some of her guilt for the pain caused.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I suppose if she wanted to say something heartfelt or whatever, she would have done so already. I can't be her friend anymore.

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She gave up the right a long time ago. Exercise your right to hold her to it.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Just when I think its getting easier, it feels harder.

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Or just when you thought you had the strength you would need, she challenged you and you became even stronger.