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-   -   Girlfriend broke up and moved out, how to fix the relationship (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=365253)

  • Jul 2, 2009, 05:10 PM
    Homegirl 50

    To begin with, we don't know that she has told this guy that she loves him and wants to marry him, and no, I don't consider it a rebound. Maybe she just felt "something different with him, some real adult chemistry.
    I dated a guy for 4 years, I loved him dearly, he was my best friend. When I met my husband, it was different. The chemistry was different. I knew he was the one for me.
    The guy I was with before was my best friend, we grew up together, but he was not the man for me. I did not love him as a man, but as my dear friend. There is a difference.
    It was not love at first sight, but we both knew there was something there, and we went with it.
    4 years later we were married and have been married 33 years
  • Jul 2, 2009, 07:37 PM
    57373

    You just stated the guy before your husband was your best friend... that context is entirely different... The basis of your relationship... before it.. was friends,so of course the chemistry was never there.And of course the breakup would be amicable.

    But I don't think the OP was ever best friends with his ex?

    Also about 'instant chemistry' that is not love,it is lust.

    Love is as they say 'for better or worse'.

    Love takes time.

    I don't believe in "love at first sight...I just knew"

    No,funny though that's what my ex told me

    "we were soulmates and will be together forever"

    Exactly why I don't buy into it.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 07:44 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    You just stated the guy before your husband was your best friend...that context is entirely different...The basis of your relationship...before it..was friends,so of course the chemistry was never there.

    But I don't think the OP was ever best friends with his ex?
    We dated, I loved him, he was my best friend and my boy friend.
    I'm thinking those two grew up together, they dated she loved him, he was her friend, first sexual partner, that does not mean he was the man for her. Maybe when she met this other guy, the grown up chemistry was there.
    There is a difference.
    You can be a best friend with your lover, in fact, you should be
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:00 PM
    EntertainmentCO
    Hello, I would recommend that you get some personal counseling either through a church or a independent counselor. Work on your anger because that will damage any relationship you have with a woman. Whether you get back with her or not you want to find out how to control that. Anger and verbal abuse will damage any relationship, get some good counsel. I would also pray about your relationship and ask God to take control of it and have his will be done.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:09 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    We dated, I loved him, he was my best friend and my boy friend.
    I'm thinking those two grew up together, they dated she loved him, he was her friend, first sexual partner, that does not mean he was the man for her. Maybe when she met this other guy, the grown up chemistry was there.
    There is a difference.
    You can be a best friend with your lover, in fact, you should be
    We were friends for about a week before we started dating. We have always been friends through everything, every mountain that came up we beat it together. Does anyone think she is using him for comfort or to piss me off, besides me? Like seriously...
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:13 PM
    paxe

    How can you know he was the "one" for you? It doesn't make any sense. You can't judge if anybody is the "one" in the first time you see them. Anyhow, his ex didn't do anything wrong to go with another guy, it's her right but what happened to just breaking up because we are fundamentally not happy and staying without a date for a couple of month?

    I think it is the cowards way out to just date right away or to leave a guy for someone else. I may be harsh and all but it just shows your lack of courage. You weren't happy in your former relationship yet you waited for someone to show up to break with your boyfriend. This pains me because it was done the same thing with me and it seems that girls don't have the decency of just breaking up without the lying, pleading, cheating...
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:15 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AKeagle View Post
    We were friends for about a week before we started dating. we have always been friends through everything, every mountain that came up we beat it together. Does anyone think she is usin him for comfort or to piss me off, besides me? Like seriously.....
    No she is not using him to piss you off. She likes him. That is why she is with him. The sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. She is not evil, she is not trying to make you mad or jealous, she just does not feel for you what you feel for her.

    Sometimes it just does not work!
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:15 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by EntertainmentCO View Post
    Hello, I would recommend that you get some personal counseling either through a church or a independent counselor. Work on your anger because that will damage any relationship you have with a woman. Wether you get back with her or not you want to find out how to control that. Anger and verbal abuse will damage any relationship, get some good counsel. I would also pray about your relationship and ask God to take control of it and have his will be done.
    Here's my counseling, running up a mountain, or doing physical work. The problem was I could before while I worked and did college at he same time. What breaks a relationship is lack of communication and trust
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:20 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    No she is not using him to piss you off. She likes him. That is why she is with him. The sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. She is not evil, she is not trying to make you mad or jealous, she just does not feel for you what you feel for her.

    Sometimes it just does not work!
    She didn't have the courage to dump him without that other guy so it just shows that she has no courage and she lied to him. She isn't an angel also.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:26 PM
    57373
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    She didn't have the courage to dump him without that other guy so it just shows that she has no courage and she lied to him. She isn't an angel also.
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    She IS a coward and a liar!
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:28 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by page View Post
    How can you know he was the "one" for you? It doesn't make any sense. You can't judge if anybody is the "one" in the first time you see them. Anyhow, his ex didn't do anything wrong to go with another guy, it's her right but what happened to just breaking up because we are fundamentally not happy and staying without a date for a couple of month?

    I think it is the cowards way out to just date right away or to leave a guy for someone else. I may be harsh and all but it just shows your lack of courage. You weren't happy in your former relationship yet you waited for someone to show up to break with your boyfriend. This pains me because it was done the same thing with me and it seems that girls don't have the decency of just breaking up without the lying, pleading, cheating...
    It may not make sense to you because you have never experienced it. But I knew he was the one.
    I never said I was not happy in my relationship. I just knew when I met my husband that my relationship was not what I wanted or needed. We were both emotionally dependent on each other we spent all of our time with each other, it was young teenage "whatever", rather dysfunctional. I was 19. Was I supposed to stay with him knowing I wanted to be with someone else? If I'm not emotionally there I'm not really there, so I told him what was up and I left. There was nothing coward about that.

    You were hurt, but don't put me in your scenario. My situation was not like yours. Don't get it twisted.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:32 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AKeagle View Post
    Here's my counseling, running up a mountain, or doing physical work. The problem was I could before while I worked and did college at he same time. What breaks a relationship is lack of communication and trust
    Sometimes a relationship breaks because it is not the right one. Sometimes it breaks because both of you are not in love. She communicated with you, told you she wanted out. Now you need to accept it.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:33 PM
    57373
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    It may not make sense to you because you have never experienced it. But I knew he was the one.
    I never said I was not happy in my relationship. I just knew when I met my husband that my relationship was not what I wanted or needed. We were both emotionally dependant on each other we spent all of our time with each other, it was young teenage "whatever", rather dysfunctional. I was 19. Was I supposed to stay with him knowing I wanted to be with someone else? If I'm not emotionally there I'm not really there, so I told him what was up and I left. There was nothing coward about that.

    You were hurt, but don't put me in your scenario. My situation was not like yours. Don't get it twisted.
    Out of curiosity did you tell him the reason you broke up,was because of someone else?

    If so I really do respect you,because it's a horrible thing to hear,BUT NO ONE IS EVER HONEST WITH IT.

    "let's be friends"

    "too much stress"

    "let's take a break"

    Hell,I never would have wasted all those nights crying over my ex if my ex had straight up said there was someone else... instead of leading me on for a year and a half
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:34 PM
    AKeagle
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    she IS a coward and a liar!
    I agree with this. I don't see anyone getting over something like this that easily. Whether she likes his guy or not, they will never go through what we went through. Whether she likes this guy or not she is fishing for a reaction from
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:34 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by paxe View Post
    She didn't have the courage to dump him without that other guy so it just shows that she has no courage and she lied to him. She isn't an angel also.
    How do you know this? Don't get your story twisted with his.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:38 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    she IS a coward and a liar!
    You don't know this to be true. Do you guys know her? Do you know that she met this guy first and then dumped him? Or are you thinking about your own heartbreak.
    Don't get it twisted.
    He does not even know if she left him for the other guy, how do you know it?
    Don't give advice based on your hurt and ager. It does not help him.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:40 PM
    57373
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    How do you know this? Don't get your story twisted with his.
    He means some people have the clingy personality type.
    They only distance themselves when they are 100% sure they have someone else lined up to replace the former.
    It's a common trait,especially in women who feel they need to be 'loved',or guys who want to prove themselves as 'men'.
    Again.. the concept of rebounding... or security blankets.
    They have no time to think about who they gave up because they are completely enamored with the "new and shiny bf or gf"
    So their grief doesn't exactly hit them until they break up with the new bf/gf

    In your case your split was amicable... but if you hurt that guy... I'm sure you'd have second thoughts.. "maybe I shouldn't have...I wonder about him...I feel bad"
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:41 PM
    paxe
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    I think what paxe said is true.Everyone is pushing the OP to move on and saying 'sometimes things don't work' but the fact of the matter is,his ex was too afraid to be completely alone,she replaced him,than dumped him (but couldn't just dump him without being replaced)

    she IS a coward and a liar!
    Agreed! And it does seem it is the majority of time like that. The girl dumps the boy:
    Boy: "is there someone else?"
    Girl:"Nobody I swear, there is only friends, I need time alone, I still love you..."

    I do believe that the "right" way to dump someone is for reasons other than "there is someone else" and that the dumper also takes time to heal.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:42 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by 57373 View Post
    Out of curiosity did you tell him the reason you broke up,was because of someone else?

    If so I really do respect you,because it's a horrible thing to hear,BUT NO ONE IS EVER HONEST WITH IT.

    "let's be friends"

    "too much stress"

    "let's take a break"

    Hell,I never would have wasted all those nights crying over my ex if my ex had straight up said there was someone else...instead of leading me on for a year and a half
    He knew why I left. I was completely honest with him. We had always been that way with each other. I even told him who he was. (and no, he did not know him) Yes he was hurt, but I would have been miserable had I stayed and that would not have been good for either of us.
  • Jul 2, 2009, 08:46 PM
    Homegirl 50
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AKeagle View Post
    I agree with this. I don't see anyone geting over something like this that easily. Whether she likes his guy or not, they will never go thru what we went thru. Whether she likes this guy or not she is fishing for a reaction from
    They will never go through what you two went through because they are different people different circumstances.
    If you want to think she is doing all of this to get to you, you just keep thinking that. You will never move on.
    Do the mature thing and just face the fact that it is over for whatever reason and move on.
    I doubt it is about you. It's about her and her happiness.

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