Enjoy your holidays ands come back with a fresh mind.
|
Enjoy your holidays ands come back with a fresh mind.
Happy New Years to everyone!!
Just wanted to give you all an update:
So its been almost 4 months now since the break up. I do not think of her as often but she still crosses my mind once in a while. When this does happen its very brief and I do not let it control my day. For Christmas I sent her a quick text wishing her a merry christmas but she never replied which is fine by me. I have been relaxing, hanging out with friends, and working. I really needed this vacation and its helping me a great deal. I am single and I even was able to kindly reject an offer from this great girl.
But something did happen right before vacation.
So I was minding my own business. I swore to myself previously that I would stay single for a while before doing anything else. I came home one night to find a note on my door. The noted asked me if I could give this girl from my floor a ride to the grocery store to buy some baking supplies. Now I have only seen this girl in passing and never really talked to her. Since I didn't have much to do that night I voluteered to drive her. We went to the store together and started talking. From there we decided to go to another store, followed by the mall. We both had some free time so we just hung out and kept on talking with each other. From there we went home and baked together and finished the night off with a movie. The next day we went to yoga together followed by lunch. We then went to the library together to study for exams but ended up talking all night. On the third day we went to a tea house and spent 3 hours talking. On the last day before she had to go home for break we decieded just to hang out in my room and draw. We decided to draw the pictures for each other. We drew each other really cute pictures and kissed (how we got there is really cute but kind of long but I can describe it if you all want me to). The next the she left for home as I was finishing up my last exam. When I came back I found a cute note wishing me a great vacation. Over break so far we talked several times on the phone (2-3 times for 4 hours), texted each other every day, and skyped last night for almost 6 hours!
She is a great girl, she does not drink, only had one boyfriend for 4 years, and is very intelligent. I have learned a lot by talking to her. I am really glad that we are far apart and talk over the phone/skype because that is allowing us to learn a great deal about us. My favorite part about this whole thing is that it happened so randomly. I was not looking for anyone and had no intentions beyond helping out a floor mate. We hit it off right away and it seems that we have a mutal attraction towards each other.
I do not know what will happen of this but I am not really concerned with it. I will let things just happen. It would be great if we started seeing each other but if we become friends that would be great too. I do not know if this is the right thing to do but I feel like that I need to let life take its course.
So, do you think that I should let things continue taking its course or continue staying single? I would be completely happy with both. I enjoy the time I have to myself but I also feel attracted to this new girl.
Of course you are, as kissing, and spending more and more time together always intensifies the attractions between two people. The trick is to stay independent, enjoy the time, but keep a healthy balance in your life. At least not get so carried away by initial attractions that you stop paying attention to your whole world, and stop being objective about REALITY!!
Balance, and an independent life is what you need to be happy. That gives you time to process your feelings, and not be blinded by "love".
Back in the day, I was thought to be a player, just because I loved to be single, and free to date whomever I wanted, and that's what I did. Some girls can't, or don't want to deal with a guy like that, and that's okay. I never worried much about them, some ended up as friends. Some did not. But I had a great time getting to know the ones that, like me, dated for good clean adult fun, as friends. When I say friends, I mean not leading people on after a few good times, by kissing or sex, to early on, so the 3 date goodnight kiss was out.
Set your own rules, and boundaries for good behavior, stay within them, and enjoy yourself. Not only is it important for you to not get carried away by feelings, you don't let them get carried away either. So say only what you mean, and mean exactly what you say.
Going with the flow is fine, but always have a paddle, so you can adjust your own course, or slow the flow down.
Letting a female get to close, to fast, is something you can control, and should, no matter the attraction. To not to, is what players do, and that selfish.
If you can't control yourself, you will never control your situation, so give all actions some thought, before hand.
As Tal says,think before you act. There's no hurry,take your time getting to know people,make friends with them and date for fun-dont rush.
I agree with your entire post but this last sentence is something I often think about. I make sure everything that comes out of my mouth is genuine and I make sure that it is appropriate.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I learned a lot from this last relationship aka rebound. :rolleyes:
I learned about the importance of not rushing into things. That is why I enjoy the distance between us. It allows us to get to know each other without allowing attaraction (kissing, etc... ) to cloud our judgement. Also, if we are both still interested in each other after a month of talking then I feel that there is a connection of some sort.
But is it friendship after a month? Those physical attractions are so intense sometimes.
I use to lust after all the ladies, so I got to understand how blinding they could be. Those farts that use to smell like perfume, really started to stink, hence taking your time is the way to go and don't give a rats patoot what others may want from you.
I have to add the beginning is always perfect and intense. That's what we like about new attractions, they make us feel good. But for how long?
I feel like that I am still learning how to date. I do not think I know the meaning of it completely since every time I go on a date I try to figure out if the person is "girlfriend worthy."Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Well, I really do not know if it is a friendship. I mean I never asked her on a date to begin with. Things just kind of happened. Sometimes I feel like it is but other times I think there is more. I am not hoping for anything and I am definitely not working towards a relationship. Instead I am talking to a girl who is very interesting. We have way tooooooooo much in common hence why I feel we get along together well. I am just spending time with her and enjoy getting to know her. If we start dating as a result of this I would be very happy. If we became friends I would be equally happy.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I used to let my heart guide me. I used to listen to it completely without any rational thinking. I used to think that love was purly a feeling that you get when you meet someone for the first time. I did not believe it to be a feeling that you develop after a certain amount of time. For me I believed in the fairytales where the prince meets his princess and they ride away into the sunset. No problems, no work needed to make the relationship functional, or anything else along those lines.
Then you date more girls and learn how to date. Adjust your expectations.
Well, if dating is just going out with someone to have fun and not have any other expectations what is the difference between dating and going out with a friend?Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Some people you date once or twice and then you realise there is not even a future friendship there. Others you date and you become friends, and some you date and fall in love with. Getting to know,and I mean really get to know someone takes time. Again,thinking before acting and getting carried away is a good thing.
NONE!! We humans have a tendency to romanticize taking a pee. Imagine what we do with a fellow human we are interacting with, and having a blast!!Quote:
what is the difference between dating and going out with a friend?
(especially if she is cute, and smells good)
The only hard thing about this situation is not to think past friendship. She seems very compatible with me in many ways, even more so than my first true love.
You don't know that,as you don't really know her yet. That's you coming from the I wish I had a girlfriend position.
I would not say that. I do not wish I had a girlfriend. It would be nice and I most likely would not say no if that is something she wanted. I understand that there is more to learn about her but her and I have spent many hours so far talking.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
She only had one boyfriend for 4 years. He broke up with her and decided to start drinking heavily and mack freshman girls (him being junior). I am big on commitment since I am a commitment type myself. I though my first love was a commitment person but I found out later on that she was not. I could list the 100+ things that we have in common but I feel like you get the point. It is too soon to say anything and her and I might just end up friends. But I am interested in exploring this some more and seeing where it can end up.
And in time you will find out the same about this one, whether she is a commitment person, AND whether you are compatible on many levels. It takes time, even though it looks good early, it may not be the case later.Quote:
I though my first love was a commitment person but I found out later on that she was not.
LOL, that's exactly what Amicon was saying, your already exploring the possibility of more, because you do want her to be a girlfriend.Quote:
But I am interested in exploring this some more and seeing where it can end up.
Lower the bar of expectations buddy, is she fun. That's more than enough to explore.
But I am starting to see your problem here, you take your female friends one at a time, but I never did. Thus my rule,
Date them all, fat, short, skinny, or tall, 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!!!!
It was never about exploring for more later, but sharing good times with a fun person that happened to be a friend.
Fun, not romance, or the potential of MORE!!!!! Now go buy a nice female lunch. Or take one bowling, or darts, you know, nice clean, adult fun. Have a blast!
Yeah, I see what you are saying Tal but I still don't get it. I have many female friends whom I do these above mentioned activities with (lunch, yoga, bowling, etc... ). I love to have fun with a person of the opposite sex but I feel like when I date someone I try to figure out if they are compatible with me. I do this to see if we can get involved in a relationship. Even relationships I take seriously because the I see the girl in the relationship as a potential for a future wife. I have no idea why I think this way because I am only 21. It is a stupid way to think and I probably need to change this way of thinking. I always ask myself why bother dating this girl if you do not see being with her for a while. I don't necessarly mean for life but long enough for it to be meaningful.
I can do all those things you have mention with my female friends. I guess I just do not understand.
You will, practice makes perfect.
Ok so I do have another question. My ex and I never exchanged our belongings. I gave her many gifts (jewelry, clothes, sentimental items, etc... )
I do not want any of that back except for a taekwondo sweatshirt that has my name on it. It means a great deal to me and has a lot of sentimental value. Also, I want a necklace that I gave her as a gift. It too has a lot of sentimental value and I do not want it back for any other reason. I have given her tons of jewelry (1k necklace, etc... ) So I do not want it because because of the monetary value.
So I sent her an email asking her politely if I could receive those two items back. She sent me an email back saying that she has no problem giving me back those 2 items but she is confused about the necklace. She said it was a gift and does not understand why I want it because because she knows that I have given her tons of expensive presents. She does not understand why I would not want the other belongings back. So I sent her an email back telling her that she has every right to keep the necklace because it was a gift. I told her that those 2 items have special meaning for me and did not want to go any more in depth than that. She said she will be glad to give them back when school starts.
Besides that, I cannot believe how far apart we are now. We do not communicate anymore (my choice), there are no visible feelings towards each other, or anything else. I cannot believe how she just moved on like that. No pain, no nothing. I suffered to get to the point where I am at now. She on the other hand feels nothing. It seems so cold to me. I feel so used for those 6 months. I feel I was just used as an object. I mean I understand that relationships fizzle out, I understand that people change, and everything else. But I cannot understand how someone can just let go, move on in a week, and be so cold towards me.
I used to wish that I could just tear her a new one and just tell her how I really feel about how she let me go. But I knew it wouldn't do a damn thing for either of us. Its so weird because she has this damn ability to always make me the one at fault. Every time I felt that she did something wrong I ended up being at fault. She always competed with me. She always wanted me to be around but she wanted her freedom. She wants to explore herself and not be bound by anyone. That is what she told me. But look, a week later she became tied down to a heavy metal band member. HEAVY METAL?! That is the biggest 180 you can make from me. Im sure he is a nice guy but damn!
Sorry I needed to went. I am not even angry. I am just analyzing and I cannot figure it out. Life is strange but I am glad I am where I am.
What's really up with you A4?
I feel the same wayyyy!!
What do you mean?Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Where did this anger, and sudden need to get some "stuff" back from her come from? Its been quite a few months now. I don't buy the sentimental value of a t-shirt, and a gift given during better times, as justifying contact after all of a sudden.
I agree with Tal, since I've been gone for awhile I had to back read, but a T-shirt at the price of breaking NC, I don't see how it has any meaning. My stance has always been, if it wasn't important enough to get back at the very beginning of the break up, it isn't that important.
I just reread what I wrote last night. I think my emailing her was a way to let her know that she is out of my life. She got off so easy because I initiated NC and didn't tell her anything. She got off easy. I wish I could have at least told her how I felt and to put it bluntly "bi**h her out." it makes me angry that she could just do that to me and not face any consequences such as regretful emotions, sadness, etc...Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I think that is why I sent her the email because it is my way to let her know that I never want her in my life again. I am not one to get angry, yell, or have verbal fights but with this situation I would just want to voice my anger to her. I know it wouldn't help anyone but I still want to do it for some unknown reason.
My way of telling my ex that she was out of my life was not speaking to her anymore. It usually conveys the image pretty well. Think about it this way, would you e-mail someone that you haven't talked to in months that you are no longer speaking to them? If you got an e-mail from an old friend that you had a falling out with, telling you that they are informing you that they are no longer talking to you. What would go through your head about them?
So has the anger been there all the time? Or if not how come it's resurfaced? And having broken NC.how does that make you feel?
Rome you are right. It does not make any sense.
I think the anger has been there all along but it has been suppressed. I really don't feel any different having broken no contact. It does not make me sad. It really hasn't change me. I think if I broke no contact by telling her that I miss her then it would be a different story. But I just asked her for some items back. I am the type of person that has difficulty forgiving someone once they have hurt me. Also, I am a perfectionist. I think those two combinations make me feel this anger.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
It is strange because I have no feelings towards her anymore. I do not miss her. I do not want her back. I am completely fine being single. But I guess I am being revengeful and I want her to feel how I felt. This does not sound like the right thing to do and I know for sure I will never show my anger towards her but this anger will not disappear for some reason. Why do you think that is?
She hurt you,played you and insulted you not once but twice-I'd be angry too! I'm not saying forgive her but try to channel the anger into something constructive cause if it remains suppressed it'll stay with you longer. Sometimes just allowing ourselves to feel and acknowledge the anger helps.
And as you say, there's no point expressing it to her-you should stick to NC again,of course.
Well I feel "anger" from time to time because I still believe my ex didn't understand the full extent of what she has done.
My best revenge is to live my life fully without them. Go back to NC and this time stick to it.
Better late than never I supposed, now back to NC! What's done is done.
Exactly! I just need to figure out a way to control/get rid if this anger because I feel like it is the only thing left that is tying me to her still.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Any suggestions?
You already do loads of sports etc? Could you add another-kickboxing works for some people I know.
In addition,ask yourself if you're angry with yourself as well-for allowing yourself to want to be in a relationship that you on some level knew was wrong for you-and for her.. .
Yes, taekwondo definitely helps with relieving the anger. But all that does for me is relieve the anger for that moment.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Just like you said, I need to look deeper at this issue. Part of me does blame myself for allowing her to come back and hurt me. Another part is that it bothers me how I was blind to all this. It is a lesson learned and I hope I do not make the same mistake again. I guess more time will reduce my anger but acknowledging the issue is important.
Yes that's true-look into that and sort out what belongs to whom and why.
I think your mad at yourself, so forgive yourself.
Partially. I guess there is still some more for me to process.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
But, those who have followed my process, where do you think I am at right now? What stage?
I am asking this because I have continued talking to this new girl for the last few weeks. We have been having 6-7 hour conversations almost every other night. We have asked each other almost every question there is and both have talked about potentially taking a more serious step. We both agree that we still need to spend more time together to see if we are compatible and we both agreed to take things slow. I do not want to enter into a relationship without baggage so I need to know if I have moved on. I feel as if I have but I cannot really trust myself with this because it has bitten me in the butt in the past.
I do not know if I am the type of guy to date around a lot. I have tried it and I do not know if this is something I enjoy.
The events with the ex, is enough proof that you still carry baggage and it looks like yet again you're starting something to fast.
Are we seeing a pattern yet? I sure am.
Tal is right, it does seem a pattern. What I am wondering is, why do you want to start a new relationship so fast? You have been in a very long relationship, you NEED your time alone for your own sake. You need to find yourself again, you need to be in control of your emotions, you need to be happy alone.
From what I see you don't seem 100% happy and you're still thinking about your ex. Take care of yourself first. I believe that people should stay intentionally single for a good part of their life, so that they can learn to be without anybody else. It will help you become more independent, be closer to your friends and make you more sociable.
You need more time on your own,as you still have issues to work through from your breakup. It's as simple as that.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:04 PM. |