I have been reading this and keeping up to date as it all goes on. I think we are all giving you advice based on our experiences and want to offer you support in this difficult time. If our advice does not feel right, then you should evaluate it and decide for yourself if you should follow our path as offered to you.

You offer some good points in your last posts that are valid and show good character that you question in search of the truth (not to just be oppositional). I think you are valid in wanting her back in your life. I would caution you that you can not go back. There is a reason she left and if you two have not identified that reason, worked on it, confronted it, and laid it to rest, history is likely to repeat itself.

So if you do not build up this "wall" with which to protect yourself (which I must admit is good advice in 99% of all cases such as this) at least demand from her answers and seek resolutions to what has happened. Do not ignore it, accept it, or allow it to happen again. Be an active part in any relationship.

But as you have stated she does not seem to be grieving. Maybe this latest contact is her way of grieving. Should you be a part of it? I don't know... but becareful you are not her doormat while she does this.

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Yes but it doesn't have to be tomorrow, It took my ex and I 10 years to get past that, We're married now. But We both moved on with our lives.

It's maybe something you don't want to hear, but I am living proof that ex do reconcile. Guess what in those 10 years we did not keep in contact.

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Wow, so after 10 years when you guys got back together, were there sparks like meeting somebody new? Do you guys get annoy at each other with old habits?

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Originally Posted by sylvan_1998

I have been reading this and keeping up to date as it all goes on. I think we are all giving you advice based on our experiences and want to offer you support in this difficult time. If our advice does not feel right, then you should evaluate it and decide for yourself if you should follow our path as offered to you.

You offer some good points in your last posts that are valid and show good character that you question in search of the truth (not to just be oppositional). I think you are valid in wanting her back in your life. I would caution you that you can not go back. There is a reason she left and if you two have not identified that reason, worked on it, confronted it, and laid it to rest, history is likely to repeat itself.

So if you do not build up this "wall" with which to protect yourself (which I must admit is good advice in 99% of all cases such as this) at least demand from her answers and seek resolutions to what has happened. Do not ignore it, accept it, or allow it to happen again. Be an active part in any relationship.

But as you have stated she does not seem to be grieving. Maybe this latest contact is her way of grieving. Should you be a part of it? I dont know....but becareful you are not her doormat while she does this.

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I really don't have the power to demand answers from her, I got a feeling it would turn into a fight between this guy and I. I have been following the combined path everyone here has laid out.

I know I can not go back, but she could. Though still we might have grown to far apart, we might not like who we have become, scares might still be there, etc.

This other guy is her grieving? Why does she have to hurt me to grieve?

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

i really don't have the power to demand answers from her, i got a feeling it would turn into a fight between this guy and i. i have been following the combined path everyone here has laid out.

i know i can not go back, but she could. though still we might have grown to far apart, we might not like who we have become, scares might still be there, etc.

this other guy is her grieving? why does she have to hurt me to grieve?

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She cheated on you/left you for this guy.

She is hardly grieving.

I know exactly how it feels dude,I had the same thing happen.

I still deal with it everyday,it's been two months.But I have to be honest,everyday I get more clarity.

I see more signs that I was blinded by before this.

I get more pissed off to be honest,because while I was crying on the phone because my ex was changing (when we were together) the nights of "i think we should just be friends" out of no where

And then finding out about this,by myself.

There is nothing worse

But do you honestly want someone back who would so easily lie to you,disregard your feelings,and move on so fast?

Do you want someone back (on a cruder level) who F***ed someone else?

I mean come on

I feel the pain from deceit... not from missing my ex.

Re-direct your pain.

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

well should i just ignore all calls? if any. cause there really isn't a way for me to tell if its an apology or for small talk other wise

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Well NC seems to be the best way. If she is with a different guy, do not answer her call. If you answer or not answer, it won't change a SINGLE thing about how she feels about you.

SHE HAS TO GET OVER THIS NEW GUY THAT SHE IS SEEING BEFORE SHE CAN DEVELOP ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU. THE BEST THING TO DO NOW IS TO HAVE FRIENDS AND ESPECIALLY FEMALE FRIENDS. KEEP TO THE NC AND YOU WILL HEAL

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Originally Posted by xadmin

Well NC seems to be the best way. If she is with a different guy, do not answer her call. If you answer or not answer, it won't change a SINGLE thing about how she feels about you.

SHE HAS TO GET OVER THIS NEW GUY THAT SHE IS SEEING BEFORE SHE CAN DEVELOP ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU. THE BEST THING TO DO NOW IS TO HAVE FRIENDS AND ESPECIALLY FEMALE FRIENDS. KEEP TO THE NC AND YOU WILL HEAL

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It is ridiculous that after the OPS long relationship,he should settle for second best to a guy she just met.What are feelings to his ex anyway?

They seem to be excitement and new things,which apparently he doesn't offer.

When my ex tried to remain friends after this (yeah they had the nerve to apologize and ask to be friends)

I straight up cursed my ex out "you're a W***,ect"

I don't really regret it either

I just... was so insulted.

My ex had the nerve to tell me I ruined a "beautiful relationship"

The same day my ex had said "there's no one else"

Same.day.

The explanation I got for catching my ex with that other person (While with me) was

"I cared about you both so much but I couldn't decide...but now that you freaked out...I decided"

LOL W/E

Ok. Deleted her and friends. Now I Got to take care of myspace, probably just delete my account since I never use it. Still feels stupid but whatever

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Originally Posted by 57373

Do you want someone back (on a cruder level) who F***ed someone else?

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So only date virgins, right? And I have no idea about this guy, for all I know she is using him to get to me, to make me break, to make it easy for her to come back and me do whatever she wants. I have no idea and neither does anyone on this forum, everyone can say from past experiences, but like a finger print or a snow flake each one is similar, but no two are the same.

I like the advice, it gives me different ways to look at things, not just this. But also helps me decide what direction I want to move in

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

so only date virgins, right? and i have no idea about this guy, for all i know she is using him to get to me, to make me break, to make it easy for her to come back and me do whatever she wants. i have no idea and neither does anyone on this forum, everyone can say from past experiences, but like a finger print or a snow flake each one is similar, but no two are the same.

i like the advice, it gives me different ways to look at things, not just this. but also helps me decide what direction i want to move in

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There's nothing wrong with dating someone who'se not a virgin.What I meant by that was,to most people taking back an ex after they had sex with someone else (regardless if they were a virgin before) is disgusting and 'tainted'.

For most people,that kills any chance of physical romance again. (for the people it doesn't... really need to look at themselves worth)

But about the virgin thing... it's interesting you brought it up... I would THINK a virgin would be less likely to cheat... I don't know if it's statistically proven or not...

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

Ok. Deleted her and friends. Now I Gotta take care of myspace, probably just delete my account since I never use it. Still feels stupid but whatever

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Good job,I honestly don't know how you kept her as a friend,with comments from him (I assume) and pictures of them together (again I assume).It sounds like sticking your hand on an oven surface.

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Originally Posted by 57373

There's nothing wrong with dating someone who'se not a virgin.What I meant by that was,to most people taking back an ex after they had sex with someone else (regardless if they were a virgin before) is disgusting and 'tainted'.

For most people,that kills any chance of physical romance again. (for the people it doesn't ...really need to look at their self worth)

But about the virgin thing...it's interesting you brought it up...I would THINK a virgin would be less likely to cheat...I don't know if it's statistically proven or not...

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She lost her virginity to me.
I agree about the tainted, but do you know for a fact that she sleep with him? Like she and him are the only ones that know

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

she lost her virginity to me.
i agree about the tainted, but do you know for a fact that she sleep with him? like she and him are the only ones that know

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The thing about girls that lose their virginity,then hop into a different relationship.Is they usually have sex with the next guy right away.To downplay the fact they were a virgin before the previous guy,do you get it?

She probably had sex with him,to get over you,basically.

I know some girls who have been in the same situation and said this,so there's what I base it on.

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I like the advice, it gives me different ways to look at things, not just this. But also helps me decide what direction I want to move in

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That's a good attitude to have, not just in relationships, but in life. See your options, and make a good decision for yourself, based on facts, and not just feelings. You know better than any one what you want in your future.

Talaniman Rule- The only way to see your options and opportunities is to see your your mistakes from the past, and be ready for your future.

Sometimes all you have is experience to make a decision with. But the fact is, what you want is always ahead of you. Just keep working toward it.

Move forward, not back.

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Originally Posted by AKeagle

Today is a hard day, it's my birthday, and I have spent the last 4 years with her on this day. Her birthday is on the 7th, which we always did something special together. I really want her here with me! She just sent me a private message on facebook, saying " just wanted to say happy birthday"

why would she do that when she doesn't care? She has done enough damage, why is she putting gas on the fire?

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Haven't looked at this in a while.
She wished you a Happy Birthday because it is your birthday. We females do things like that. No ulterior motive. Stop trying to make something out of nothing. Stop!

I don't think this young lady is coming back. She is with someone else because she has found someone else she wants to be with. This does not make her a bad person, she has grown up and away from you.
How old was she when you two got together, 16? She is what, 20 now? She is maturing and changing and this is what you should do. You can love and need someone but that does not mean they will always love and need you.
You are still pretty young yourself and you have a lot of changing and maturing to do.
Delete her form your page if that is what you want to do, if you don't want to do it don't. But don't not delete her name for fear that she can't contact you. If she wanted to she would figure out a way to do it.

Move on young man. I know you're in pain but stop obsessing over this young lady. It is what it is.

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Originally Posted by 57373

The thing about girls that lose their virginity,then hop into a different relationship.Is they usually have sex with the next guy right away.To downplay the fact they were a virgin before the previous guy,do you get it?

She probably had sex with him,to get over you,basically.

I know some girls who have been in the same situation and said this,so there's what I base it on.

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Are you a female?
If she had sex with him it is because she wanted to, not to get over him. She left him, remember? Her losing her virginity to him has nothing to do with this and making blanket statements like that does no one any good.

Dude you will hurt for a while but you will get over this. Get out and do fun things, find out who you are apart from her. You have growing and changing to do as well.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Are you a female?
If she had sex with him it is because she wanted to, not to get over him. She left him, remember? Her losing her virginity to him has nothing to do with this and making blanket statements like that does no one any good.

Dude you will hurt for a while but you will get over this. Get out and do fun things, find out who you are apart from her. You have growing and changing to do as well.

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There relationship was long.
She took no time to move on.

All signs lead to... rebound.

Which is why I said what I said. Rebounds do in fact exist.. and the classic rebound is always 'too much too soon'

So yeah blanket statement... with statistics.

That is not necessarily true.
I date a guy all through High School and when I met my now husband at 19 I left my boyfriend right away. I just knew he was "the one" Rebound had nothing to do with it.
Rebound relationships are generally ones where the person who has been dumped jumps right into another relationship to get over the guy that dumped her. She left him.
Now if he went and slept with a girl right away, THAT would be a rebound.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

That is not necessarily true.
I date a guy all through High School and when I met my now husband at 19 I left my boyfriend right away. I just knew he was "the one" Rebound had nothing to do with it.
Rebound relationships are generally ones where the person who has been dumped jumps right into another relationship to get over the guy that dumped her. She left him.
Now if he went and slept with a girl right away, THAT would be a rebound.

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I understand but at the same time,both sides,are sort of manic.
Leaving something of four years for something else (let's assume she tells him she loves him,wants to marry him) not even a month in.
Would you consider this then to be a rebound,to get those feelings that fast?
I realize you said you met your husband at 19 but surely you couldn't be that naïve to believe love starts the first week and not over years.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Haven't looked at this in a while.
She wished you a Happy Birthday because it is your birthday. We females do things like that. No ulterior motive. Stop trying to make something out of nothing. Stop!

I don't think this young lady is coming back. She is with someone else because she has found someone else she wants to be with. This does not make her a bad person, she has grown up and away from you.
How old was she when you two got together, 16? She is what, 20 now? She is maturing and changing and this is what you should do. You can love and need someone but that does not mean they will always love and need you.
You are still pretty young yourself and you have a lot of changing and maturing to do.
Delete her form your page if that is what you want to do, if you don't want to do it don't. But don't not delete her name for fear that she can't contact you. If she wanted to she would figure out a way to do it.

Move on young man. I know you're in pain but stop obsessing over this young lady. It is what it is.

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Why would she even bother. We haven't talked or any in awhile, it's not worth the time, all it did was upset me

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Originally Posted by 57373

I understand but at the same time,both sides,are sort of manic.
Leaving something of four years for something else (let's assume she tells him she loves him,wants to marry him) not even a month in.
Would you concider this then to be a rebound,to get those feelings that fast?
I realize you said you met your husband at 19 but surely you couldn't be that naive to believe love starts the first week and not over years.

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I really kind of agree with you, I think a rebound can be on either side. Using someone else right after a relationship, is something to take your mind what you have done, guilt. Or what you have lost, comfort. Reasons can be switch between both, cause the dumper might realize they have made a mistake, but needs comfort