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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks, Tao. I will try. Although she remains in my thoughts, and experience setbacks, I feel like I am making some progress.

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You ARE making progress. That is obvious from reading your posts from the beginning to now. I really have nothing to add, but do not discount your progress and do not feel like you are not making it because she still pops up in your brain. That's okay, but in the end you are the one who is stronger, smarter, and better and that has already come to the forefront. That is already seen by everybody and that includes her, as I state previously she knew she wasn't good enough with all her problems. She saw that, we see that, and you are starting to see that so accept that progress is being made.

Thanks, Chuff. I know you guys did. I know that Im doing the right things, but been obsessing in the meantime. Im not denying any of that & not bashed myself for my replays. Just when I feel like Im not moving forward, something inadvertanly helps. I guess that means Im listening & acting on it in some way. Whether she felt like she wasn't good enough deep down for me, in a way I already know. She doesn't feel those type of things, only frustration & restlessness, then removal. This happens whenever there is any conflict in her mind. She has done this before and will continue. Talk about obsessing. But, that helps too...

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks, Chuff. I know you guys did. I know that Im doing the right things, but been obsessing in the meantime. Im not denying any of that & not bashed myself for my replays. Just when I feel like Im not moving forward, something inadvertanly helps. I guess that means Im listening & acting on it in some way. Whether she felt like she wasnt good enough deep down for me, in a way I already know. She doesnt feel those type of things, only frustration & restlessness, then removal. This happens whenever there is any conflict in her mind. She has done this before and will continue. Talk about obsessing. But, that helps too....

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Didja see the weather report for today? Sez it's an excellent day for letting go, just a little deeper... just a little more...

Yes it is. I want to.

Hey all, Saturday marks a month since this all came down, and 25 days of NC. Its funny, I feel like it was yesterday in some ways.

Ive been listening & not so much "working" on this, just letting it happen naturally. Being open to every thought, whether I feel like Im spinning my wheels or dwelling with frustration. Accepting everything. Not forcing it.

As Tao mentioned I am at the next gate & I can see the key sitting on my table. Been touching it, put it into the lock countless times. Its starting to slide in now. Im waiting to turn it.

My scattered notes have lately turned to some pretty nasty hateful ones towards her & that's good. Im starting to loosen my grasp on her or vis-versa. Whatever helps that particular moment, day or otherwise.

Lost a bit of weight & made myself a commitment to get healthy & ripped for myself, not anyone else.

Im still jotting down all of the people & things in my life so far, whenever they come into mind. That list is now making a stack. Sometime, I will expand upon every one in a journal and will hopefully will continue that for a long time.

Just wanted to say how appreciative I am of everyone here & how admirable it is to try & help someone that has felt similar pain. Not sure what course I would have take otherwise. I haven't cried in a couple weeks, but knowing that brings tears to my eyes. I thank you more than words can convey.

As Arnold says "I'll be back". Maybe even tomorrow.

Van

I think those nasty hateful notes are good for you actually. No need to hold it in and writing is a great way to get problems out. I'd keep doing that. Congratulations on the weight loss. That's another positive from a negative. Sometimes the worst part of the break up is not the break up but the sort of feeling lost like you stated you were. We've been there but while you feel lost know that we've been down the road before and know exactly how to what direction to go.

Hey Van,

So good to read your words...

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Hey all, Saturday marks a month since this all came down, and 25 days of NC. Its funny, I feel like it was yesterday in some ways.

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You've covered a lot of ground.

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Ive been listening & not so much "working" on this, just letting it happen naturally. Being open to every thought, whether I feel like Im spinning my wheels or dwelling with frustration. Accepting everything. Not forcing it.

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Your words tell me that you are letting your unconscious mind manage the task of integrating the healing and learning taking place in you. You are not trying to control it. Great! As that integration continues to deepen, you will experience how much you actually have grown because of the work you are doing.

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As Tao mentioned I am at the next gate & I can see the key sitting on my table. Been touching it, put it into the lock countless times. Its starting to slide in now. Im waiting to turn it.

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Take your time. Take all the time you need.

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My scattered notes have lately turned to some pretty nasty hateful ones towards her & that's good. Im starting to loosen my grasp on her or vis-versa. Whatever helps that particular moment, day or otherwise.

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There's no "correct" or "incorrect" emotion in this. Let your creative juices flow, dude.

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Lost a bit of weight & made myself a commitment to get healthy & ripped for myself, not anyone else.

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Enjoy those crunches.

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Im still jotting down all of the people & things in my life so far, whenever they come into mind. That list is now making a stack. Sometime, I will expand upon every one in a journal and will hopefully will continue that for a long time.

Just wanted to say how appreciative I am of everyone here & how admirable it is to try & help someone that has felt similar pain. Not sure what course I would have take otherwise. I haven't cried in a couple weeks, but knowing that brings tears to my eyes. I thank you more than words can convey.

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Noted.

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As Arnold says "I'll be back". Maybe even tomorrow.

Van

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Me, too.

Tao

While your talking to yourself, don't forget the getting out and seeing what's out there. Not romance but the interaction with some good people. Nothing like human contact to keep you from being isolated.

Thanks all.
Yep, Tal, Ive been getting out. But need to get out more.

Through these past few weeks, my work projects have been on hold & as a freelancer, Ive kind of been left to my own devices. Most of my time which Ive spent trying to heal. Ive been getting out to exercise, a few nights out here & there & such but haven't truly been able to focus on work much. Since I moved to Vancouver, Ive met a couple who have become really good & true friends.

They invited me along with their parents to a weekend cottage out of town & accepted as I needed to get out of dodge & knew it is always cool with them.

Ive had the last remanence of special stuff from the past 5 yrs. Stuffed full in a manilla envelope. Photos, cards, love notes that she used to hide & other trinkets. I guess waiting for the right time to let it go. I know we would have a beach fire one night & thought that burning those may help letting go.

As I grabbed my bag & headed out the door, I felt weird about that & simply took the bundle & chucked it in the dumpster before I got into my car. It didn't feel good or empowering at all. I just did it.

We were having a great time & went out to this restaurant on the beach. Great meal etc.. My pals & I were out on the patio after & were asking me about AMHD & if I was still engaged. I started to tell them how invaluable its been & started to talk about the methods that were helping me. I broke down & started sobbing like a little girl right on the patio. It was so unexpected.

We went back, had some drinks, etc.. Then went to bed. I had the worst nightmares Ive had since the breakup. The last one really hurt, yet I woke up & told myself to think about it & get on with it.

The whole day, I was super fragile, could barely hold my s***t in, and even though we were busy with stuff I was holding back the tears. Had some some blubbering sessions with friend's wife. She has been very kind & understanding through this, as they were both friends with my ex.

All I kept thinking about was how my ex is fine & Im a basket case. Wondering if she replaced me & who she was screwing, or going after now. I feel like I'd been erased, with a couple phone calls an a blink of an eye, and boy is she glad now. Like I was some thorn in her side that was so easily removed.

Even on the way home, I had a hard time pushing the tears back & Im back feeling pretty much the same way.

I feel like its been pretty clear for all of you to see the negatives of all of this & I too have understood that & have been objective & clear. Makes me feel like an idiot & wish I could just slap myself in the face & say c'mon, don't be a wuss, move on. Not sure why I broke down so hard. I haven't felt this frail in a couple weeks. It sucks big time.

Don't stop the tears dude, you can't, don't try. It sucks, I agree. A relationship ending is like a death in the family, and like most funerals, you can expect to cry from your grief, its natural, its human.

Good for you for getting out for the weekend. You mentioned that you talked about us at dinner, just curious you told them I said "hi?"

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Originally Posted by vanheart

I feel like its been pretty clear for all of you to see the negatives of all of this & I too have understood that & have been objective & clear. Makes me feel like an idiot & wish I could just slap myself in the face & say c'mon, dont be a wuss, move on. Not sure why I broke down so hard. I havent felt this frail in a couple weeks. It sucks big time.

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I will admit to you all, that yes, I have cried over losing a girl. You are not alone in being a guy that has cried over a chick. If it works to get the anger and pain out then I say go for it.

Having said that, I'm going to disagree with your most recent self description. You gave of yourself for 5 years. You gave your love, time, loyalty, companionship, money, friendship, and a piece of your life. To call that being a wuss belittles what you gave because you are far from it.

On the other hand, we have established the other party here took everything she could get and really never gave much back. Not because she couldn't, but because she really had no idea how. You broke down in public, yet she's been broke her whole life. She wishes she could cry once and make her issues go away. Instead she carries it around and can't relate to you or anybody else on an emotional level. Just what she can get from them at the moment, but no real compassion. Talk about frail. Her emotional state is frail. Her self respect, or lack there of always sucks. You are dealing with and emotional loss, and she deals with a lifetime of never even having emotional understanding. You are hardly a wuss.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

...All I kept thinking about was how my ex is fine & Im a basket case. Wondering if she replaced me & who she was screwing, or going after now. I feel like I'd been erased, with a couple phone calls an a blink of an eye, and boy is she glad now. Like I was some thorn in her side that was so easily removed.

Even on the way home, I had a hard time pushing the tears back & Im back feeling pretty much the same way.

I feel like its been pretty clear for all of you to see the negatives of all of this & I too have understood that & have been objective & clear. Makes me feel like an idiot & wish I could just slap myself in the face & say c'mon, dont be a wuss, move on. Not sure why I broke down so hard. I havent felt this frail in a couple weeks. It sucks big time.

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Accept it. Let it be. Your mutual friends inadvertently triggered a replay of the program you had been running. Remember that I told you that you would relapse? Well, this is it.

It's called an anchor, and it's very common, used in every beer commercial and political speech. The mechanics are interesting but you can learn about them later. Right now the thing to do is recover as quickly and completely as you can, get back into working out, get about your business, and move to the next step. If part of you still need to weep, you might as well get it all out now.

Meanwhile, the stories you tell yourself about her, and you, and what she's thinking, and what it all means, are add-ons, unnecessary projections that pile onto you extra meaning that attacks you. This doesn't have to happen; it's just another program.

Forgive yourself quickly. No judgments. No self-assessments. Just get back on the path.

Tao

Thanks everyone.
I guess that relapse came pretty unexpected.
I will try & get back on course. I guess those add-ons are entirely my own doing. Hope I can stop that from distracting me or at least hitting me that hard.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks everyone.
I guess that relapse came pretty unexpected.
I will try & get back on course. I guess those add-ons are entirely my own doing. Hope I can stop that from distracting me or at least hitting me that hard.

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Pretty much every strong emotional state has anchors (markers that recall the state) associated with it. Some random guy with a mustache similar to your former high school gym teacher's mustache can make you feel oddly uncomfortable, like you are about to be told to take a lap. Women who have something similar to your mother—hair, perfume, gait, etc.—can regress part of you for a moment. In this relapse you just had, it could have been simply the presence of these friends, the context, and the mention of you-know-who.

You can "delete" anchors, or at least neutralize them. Learning how is a long conversation, though.

If you are curious, I did a Google search on "NLP Anchors" and came up with a lot of data. Most sites are selling NLP, so they focus on the use of anchoring as a tool; but anchors exist everywhere. Some sites:

NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Techniques - Anchoring
17 Examples of Classic And Everyday NLP Anchors | Attraction Mind Map

You can also learn about a good process by Googling "NLP submodalities."

More important right now, are the add-ons. Telling yourself stories about the meaning of any of this, especially stories that judge you, condemn you or diminish you, is a mistake that you can interrupt as soon as it begins. For ideas on this, read any of Byron Katie's books, Google "pattern interruption" and watch a few episodes of Caesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer. Why the dog guy? Ask me again after watching.

The relapses will diminish on intensity and frequency, much more quickly if you exercise, get back to work, and get laid. As you recover from this relapse, the road will get easier.

tao

Thanks, Tao.
Much better today.

I will certainly look into those sources.

Hey Tao,

Came across some great webcasts from Byron Katie.

OMG, this was amazing...

Her method of self inquiry and the 4 questions really clicked.
Im starting to understand what Ive been creating as belief vs. what is truly factual.

This is what has been causing me so much pain, sorrow & frustration. Its what has been keeping me clinging to this breakup. All of thoughts perceived realities that Ive been conjuring up in my head and not letting go of.

Those inquiries are a direct route to speaking with your parts in a way. Pretty incredible stuff.

Thanks for turning me on to that. Looking forward to putting it into action when my mind starts to play tricks on me.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Hey Tao,

Came across some great webcasts from Byron Katie.

OMG, this was amazing...

Her method of self inquiry and the 4 questions really clicked.
Im starting to understand what Ive been creating as belief vs. what is truly factual.

This is what has been causing me so much pain, sorrow & frustration. Its what has been keeping me clinging to this breakup. all of thoughts perceived realities that Ive been conjuring up in my head and not letting go of.

Those inquiries are a direct route to speaking with your parts in a way. Pretty incredible stuff.

Thanks for turning me on to that. Looking forward to putting it into action when my mind starts to play tricks on me.

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Cool. Send me the links, please. I love those four questions!

Thanks,

Tao

Here it goes:

Byron Katie on Oprah's Soul Series Webcast - Oprah.com

Tao, I've heard about NLP but never really tried it. Besides those links have you ever stuided it or have any book recommendations on the subject that are good?