It is kind of hard to know what the right thing is when
a.) I am new to this and do not know what the right thing is
b.) Everyone gives me different opinions as to what the right thing is (friends, AMHD, others... )
c.) I cannot decide on what path to take

Thank jmw0713 for the positive encouragement. I appreciate it. Thank you for everyone else(amicon, tal, kc, paxe, etc... ) as well for the advise as well. Please bare with me as I figure out on my own what the right thing is. I do appreciate all advice but I feel like I need to take a bit of everyone's advice and figure out some things out on my own. I hope you all can continue listening to be and beating me over the head when needed because I know for sure I could have not come this far without you all.

Be proud of how far you have come and stay strong and happy. I know maybe you feel needy right now and I know that is why you stay stuck with someone even though you know is not the one for you. It would be harder to go through it without this new girl but it would be healthier. So the choice is up to you. If you need to feel like you have a girlfriend then fine but truth be told we both know this is not making you happy and instead brings you more issues. Continue living life and meeting new people and go out and meet new girls and be the awesome person you are without the weakness of needing to have someone. I heard that life isn't always suppose to be action and adventure... Enjoy and explore during this down time and your next relationship will be magical. Don't look for it and just let it come to you, because it will.

I recognize the conflict is with yourself, it always is for us all, you are the only one who can make your path a happy on or not. Maybe you can't take big steps, but know your taking the ones you can, that all you can do sometimes.

On the bright side, you have left the ex far behind so relax and enjoy the freedom from that.

There is always a positive side to everything, no matter how confused you may be. Your okay, and you will figure this out, and do what you have to, for yourself.

You have already proved that, so take heart.

I wish that I could have experience my first love when I was young because then I would have been too young to understand such strong feelings. It wouldn't have hurt me as much and I would have bounced back on my feet faster. But the fact that I experience my first love break up at 21 hurts so much more because I feel so attached to those feelings. It is so hard to let them go. But I know its only been 2 months or so and with more time these feelings will disappear, or at least diminish to a point where it won't affect me anymore. Also, I am very glad that I was able to experience love. I have learned much from it.


I can tell you that I do not see a future with the current girlfriend. I enjoy her company, what she has to offer, and her friendship. We have stopped having sex so that we do not further hurt each other. She understands how I feel and accepts the fact that I am unsure about us. I do not know where we will end up but right now I am just letting things happen. Hopefully I will build up my confidence soon and do the right thing. But, I do not know what the right thing is sometimes.

What do you think is the right thing to do?

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Originally Posted by paxe

What do you think is the right thing to do?

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Well, breaking up makes the most sense and that is exactly what happened yesterday. I told her everything that was on my mind. She took it better than I thought but she was very hurt. She kept on saying "I should've know....you just got out of a LTR 2 months ago....you are just like 2 of my ex's.....etc..."

I feel horrible for having done it but it wasn't fair to her and I did not want to use her as a tool for my healing process. Also, I do not think we would have lasted a long time because of our differences. I do not know if what I did was right and I feel horrible for having hurt her. She did not deserve this. She was very into me and thought that she has finally met someone who she could see being with for a long time. I broke those dreams.

I am a horrible person for having done this.

You're not horrible, you're human and we all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them. You did the right thing, it would have been even more hurtful another couple of weeks down the line. She also choose to be with you,ignoring the red flag-your recent breakup,even though she had previous experience of the same situation.

But I just feel that what I did is not the right thing to do. But I decided to listen to everyone here for once.

The longer you dragged things out, the more hurt you both would feel. While it was regrettable, she was doing what we always warn others about, getting attached to soon, and too much, without getting to know you better, so it was not you who caused her own disappointment, but her own actions. Bearing that guilt on yourself, is not fair of you. So let it go.

You will soon realize that we humans put feelings in about everything we do, so your own coping skills are what needs developing through experiences that you have been through.

She may be disappointed now, but if she has learned something about herself, then the pain is the price of the lesson.

In your own case you to have learned, not only about moving to fast and expecting too much, but that doing the right thing may come with a price that must be paid with hurt feelings, guilt and regret. But it was still the right thing to do.

You will recover, when the emotional dust has settled, and have a better perspective, when you can review the events you have been through without all the feelings you have experienced.

Just be patient with yourself.

Is this the first time you have been the dumper for want of a nicer word? It still hurts even if we know that breaking up is the right thing to do.
We more or less all of us posting on your thread gave you the same advice and for a good reason,too many red flags plus you seemed to be jumping in too quickly.

Thanks Tal. I agree.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Is this the first time you have been the dumper for want of a nicer word? It still hurts even if we know that breaking up is the right thing to do.
We more or less all of us posting on your thread gave you the same advice and for a good reason,too many red flags plus you seemed to be jumping in too quickly.

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Yes, first time dumping.


So what do I do now?

Your decision was the best for you. At least you found the courage to do this and now have this as a valuable learning experience for the future.

The kindest thing you can do now is to go no contact on her so she can recover without the confusion of your staying in touch.
Remember how you felt and maybe still feel on occasion when seeing and hearing about your ex.

As hard as it was, it was the good decision. Right now there isn't much you can do except taking care of yourself and DON'T DATE. It seem you can't control yourself in dating lol. You will have all your life to find a good person so don't worry, enjoy being single for a while, not having to take care of anyone or anything.
Being single is great. Work on your emotions and expectations also.

Don't contact her. Don't try to be friends. Just separate yourself and move on. Just being around her will cause both of you pain.

amicon, I think that is what I will do now. She kept on talking about being friends, etc... I hope she understands what I am asking from her. I made it very clear about what I need. I told her how I realized once it was too late that I was not ready for a relationship and that I need time to myself. She even said that she doubts she could see me anything more than a friend because she will never trust me again. I still feel though that she wants to stay connected somehow, whether it be through friendship or even dating. But she did tell me how she did not want to date because to her sex is important part of intimacy and she can't date someone who she finds attractive and not have sex with him. That part made me very uncomfortable because I feel like if you like somebody you will wait or at least respect the person's decision.

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Originally Posted by paxe

As hard as it was, it was the good decision. Right now there isn't much you can do except taking care of yourself and DON'T DATE. It seem you can't control yourself in dating lol. You will have all your life to find a good person so don't worry, enjoy being single for a while, not having to take care of anyone or anything.
Being single is great. Work on your emotions and expectations also.

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I am so done with girls for now. I hope I can't follow the words I just wrote. The second I became single I had 2 people offer to be friends with benefits, I had some girls ask me if I could see myself dating them, etc...

I just need to learn how to be single again. This time for real. I need to stop telling myself bull**** lies when times become tough. It will be hard for me because I enjoy intimate companionship so much. Yes, friends can be companions but it is a different feeling when you are in a relationship. I do not depend on a relationship to make me happy but it is something that I value. It is something that makes my life even better.

Enjoy learning to be single and BEING single-and when you're ready you'll meet someone who can be a real companion.
Friends with benefits is another one of those tricky to handle,someone'll probably get hurt kind of situations, at least that's what I think!

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Originally Posted by amicon

Enjoy learning to be single and BEING single-and when you're ready you'll meet someone who can be a real companion.
Friends with benefits is another one of those tricky to handle,someone'll probably get hurt kind of situations, at least that's what I think!

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No, I could never see myself having friends with benefits. Sex to me means so much more than just an act of physical pleasure. That is what I told them as well.

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

I am so done with girls for now. I hope I can't follow the words I just wrote. The second I became single I had 2 people offer to be friends with benefits, I had some girls ask me if I could see myself dating them, etc...

I just need to learn how to be single again. This time for real. I need to stop telling myself bull**** lies when times become tough. It will be hard for me because I enjoy intimate companionship so much. Yes, friends can be companions but it is a different feeling when you are in a relationship. I do not depend on a relationship to make me happy but it is something that I value. It is something that makes my life even better.

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We all have their share of girls attracted to us. Gosh, I had to turn down like a LOT of girls to stay single (and I'm not even going out that much). I don't want to hurt them so until I figure out what I want and until I had some great me time, I'll stay single, and so should you. Set yourself a time limit, like a year or so before you even think of dating again. Use this me time to be more in control of yourself.

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Originally Posted by paxe

We all have their share of girls attracted to us. Gosh, I had to turn down like a LOT of girls to stay single (and I'm not even going out that much). I don't want to hurt them so until I figure out what I want and until I had some great me time, I'll stay single, and so should you. Set yourself a time limit, like a year or so before you even think of dating again. Use this me time to be more in control of yourself.

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A year?! I don't think I could do a year. Maybe until the next school year. I know what I want and also what I want in a girl. It is just when I do meet that girl, she usually turns out the opposite of what I look for. First, I need to stay single and like you said not even attempt dating since I suck at that too. Haha From there I need to learn how to date without turning it into another relationship.

As you can tell I lack control.

Its funny because I was talking to my co-worker/friend about this and she immediately wanted to hook me up with her sister who is very beautiful. I just need to learn how to say NO.

Actually, by giving yourself a year you won't have to worry about finding a girl. Also by giving you time you will appreciate being single and being in control of your own life, so that next relationship won't go as bad and you'll learn how to behave, especially during a break up. You'll grow more wise, you'll be bound to be closer to your friends, and you will appreciate life much better.

My question is: Why do you "need" a girlfriend? If your answer is that you don't need one, then why is one year that long?

Well all through high school I only focused on myself. I went on dates and hung out with girls but never even bother to go anywhere beyond friendship. When I came to college I decided to enter a relationship. That is exactly what happened. 2 years later I broke up, and now I am a junior. I just want to date around and meet other girls to find out if what I want is truly what I want. I just want to explore. I had a long time to be single.

As long as you don't go into a full relationship from day one, we're all good. It's just that you need some self-control, so be cautious. Dating is fun actually but take your time.

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Originally Posted by paxe

As long as you don't go into a full relationship from day one, we're all good. It's just that you need some self-control, so be cautious. Dating is fun actually but take your time.

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I agree with you 100%. I do need more self-control.

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Well all through high school I only focused on myself. I went on dates and hung out with girls but never even bother to go anywhere beyond friendship.

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I think once you heal fully, you'll get your groove back.

A4, guessed u jumped in real quickly, from seeing you suffering from the suffer and confusion of relationship, then out of no where you're dating again, its painful to love for your condition now, take some rest, you'll pay the price but the girls will still be there anyway. That's a 3rd person view, its time to heal again.

Ok so yesterday we met again to "finalize" the break up. After we did this I walked her home because it was dark and late. On our way home she wanted to go to a near by playground to think things through before going back home. It was midnight and the playground was secluded behind a school. I did not feel like she would be safe there alone so I went with her there.

From there the night went crazy. She admitted to me the secrets she would not tell me before. She told me how at age six her babysitter took sexually assaulted her. She said that it was all her fault because she did not say stop. This incident has caused her to do drugs, to drink until she blacks out, to feel insecure, introverted, cut herself, etc... She was crying and kept on blaming herself. To this day she has not told this to a therapist, parents, anyone besides one of her ex's and me. She said that I was the first boy in a very long time that she allowed to be physical with.

I tried so hard to tell her that it was not her fault. I told her how she cannot make a decision at age six to tell an older person to stop. I told her how at age six one doesn't know what sex even is. I talked and talked to her about this for a long time. I pleaded with her to talk to a professional because otherwise this will remain with her for the rest of her life. I told her how alcohol and drugs are only a short term solution and it only suppresses the problem instead of solves it. She told me how she will most likely go back to her ex who is a bad influence on her. He is a drug addict and drinks a lot. She told him what she told me and all he does for her is hug her as she cries. He does not push her into solving her problems.


I feel like because I broke up with this girl. She finally in a long time felt like she could date a man who genuine and a great match for her. I broke up with her thinking that she was just a typical college girl who "works hard and plays hard". Now I know why she does all these things.

I told her that I will be there for her when she needs someone to talk to. I will be hanging out with her more tonight to talk further about this. We have decided to remain friends and hopefully I will be able to help her get enough courage to talk to a professional.


What do I do? I feel terrible.

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She told him what she told me and all he does for her is hug her as she cries. He does not push her into solving her problems.

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So you think your going to save this patient, huh! You know what she needs?? I don't think so. Don't get sucked into that emotional trap, and think your going to fix her.

Back up, and think a bit before you act.

AE- she needs to see a therapist,and get professional help. She can't carry that awful abuse around forever so that's what you should suggest.
She should also tell her parents.

If true, certainly explains her sometimes self destructive lifestyle choices.

You can lead a horse to water, but..

She has to want help, to get help. Your in over your head here.

I'm all for helping people ( I volunteer a lot ), but she seems to try and control you. The thing is, personally, I have a hard time saying no to someone when they need help, it's my own weakness. For you though, I would say, stay friends with precaution, especially you.
I knew people who were also sexually assaulted when they were younger and they didn't turn to drugs to get better. She also needs to want to get better herself and not use this excuse to **** up her future.

Sounds very manipulative, but...

The best help you can offer her is to encourage her to seek counseling. Let the pro's help her. You can be there to support her as a friend, but as a friend there is only some much you can do.

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You can lead a horse to water, but..

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You can't make them drink.

There comes a time when people have to wake up and help themselves. Not one person on this planet can help her straighten up unless she wants to herself.

Be there as a friend, but make sure you don't get in to deep that you can't escape.

I'll give you an example of a situation I'm going through. A buddy of mine is a textbook alcoholic. He drinks from the time he wakes up, till the time he goes to sleep. Years ago, I noticed this and tried to get him to seek help. I've even refused to buy alcohol for him or hang out with him, until he straightens up. He's been arrested multiple times, each related to alcohol in some way. His relationships fail because the girls he dates get sick of his alcoholism.

He's been to numerous AA meetings and was at one time sober for a year, but then slipped up. I have stopped trying to help him. Now I just except that this is the way he is and that if he is going to get better, he has to do it on his own.

Thank you for all the insightful replies. I agree with you all that I should not get sucked in too deep into this. I just feel like there is nobody there right now to push her into the right direction and she cannot do it herself at this time. I am not looking to fix her because I myself do not know the proper way to do this. But, I do want to be there for her, and slowly lead her into the right direction which I believe to be therapy. But I cannot just let a person like that go.

Isn't this the same problem you had before? Not knowing when to let go??

Amazing how we repeat things until we learn. AE, trust me, she is not as helpless, and lost as she seems.

Frankly, she is very capable of making choices and getting what she wants from you. Heck, your still there after YOU dumped HER. How helpless is that?

So I should just let her go and watch her as she continues to harm herself?

It doesn't seem like she is willing to find help and nobody besides 2 people know her problem. How will she make a conscious decision to take a step towards healing herself?

My take is to be very prudent if you want to stay friend and don't get manipulated. You can help her but be conscious about it. The mere action of helping is good, some people actually need a little push to get over drugs or other problems.

I don't think both of you can move on or do any help in this situation you put yourself in, get her to talk to her parents/therapist about it and there u shall step back to your own life.. You have a problem to solve too, not just her, but u don't need her to solve your problems.

My take is you just let her go and watch out for yourself.

Your not a therapist- you can barely help yourself.
Your not a lover-even you knew something just ain't right,
Your not qualified to help her
She is needy-which is why she moved so fast.
She is deceptive- see below

Just a point, as when you walked her home out of concern for her safety, she didn't go home, because you would have left. Look at what happened instead, you had broken up, but can't just leave. Hmmm! Now your hooked, and have to stay, and "help her some more"

Come on guy, think.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

My take is you just let her go and watch out for yourself.

Your not a therapis- you can barely help yourself. Awww :eek::D
Your not a lover-even you knew something just ain't right, What do you mean by this?

Your not qualified to help her Very true.
She is needy-which is why she moved so fast. True too I think.
She is deceptive- see below

Just a point, as when you walked her home out of concern for her safety, she didn't go home, because you would have left. Look at what happened instead, you had broken up, but can't just leave. Hmmm!! Now your hooked, and have to stay, and "help her some more"

Wow! I would have never thought of it this way. Thanks for breaking it down.

Come on guy, think.

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Does everyone else agree with this, that I should take care of myself and let her go?