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It happens. By applying NC and taking care of yourself, you are taking the "power" back into your hands, and she doesn't have a control over you. She wants to have a control over you but she can't so she's trying to get your attention.
Once you see past this bull****, it is just kid's game, and since you're not a kid you don't go into the game.
She is possibly coming over later tonight and I will have a talk with her then. I need to get some school work out of the way first.
As for the ex. I really got sick of all things that she has been doing to me so I text her. I know this is wrong of me but the anger got the best of me. I just told her how I found out what I said above. I did not call her names of anything. All I said is that I cannot believe what I am seeing from her. She said that she has standards and that she would never do something like this to me. She said I was being paranoid. I then told her that we don't need to argue any further. I told her that I hope her new partner can give her everything that I couldn't and more.
I am not saying what I did was right. I totally own up to all of this. I am just so pissed at the fact that she is doing all this to me. Yeah she saw that I am bothered by this and I hope she can feed off it. But I really don't care because finding this information out just further pushes me toward my healing process. Also, I do not want to see her anymore and this anger is helping me get over her.
I just need a break from relationships. PERIOD.
Its funny though because one of my co-worker asked if she could set me up with her sister who is very beautiful. Also, a good friend of mine asked me if there would be ever a chance of us getting together.
I just do not want this right now. I feel flattered that people are interested in me but I am too big of a mess to be involved in anything serious.
Oh and I will gather enough courage up to tell my new partner that we cannot stay together. I have no idea how I am going to do this. I really need some encouragement.
I think A4Effort needs to ask 2 very simple questions.
Cut the BS - Do you GENUINELY want to be with your ex girlfriend, and does your ex girlfriend GENUINELY want to be with you?
If the answer is mutual then you both need to decide what course of action happens next. To be honest the behaviour of both parties is irrelevant. We all do stupid things during and after a break-up as our minds are being controlled by our hearts. Emotions overpower logic.
We can read and post new comments about the behaviour of this and what that means and so on till we are all blue in the face. It's how we apply ourselves to the root of the problem that makes the difference.
No, I do not want to be with her. She has hurt me too many times and too much. She does not deserve another chance. Also this gives me there opportunity to really find out what I want.Quote:
Originally Posted by glenboy123
She does not want another relationship either or at least that is what she has been telling me. Do her actions match what she says. I do not know but she tries to make me jealous but at the same time is moving on in her own way. Why would someone want to make a person jealous but distance themselves from them at the same time? I do not understand.
But I am so fed up with all these things. Half of it is my fault. I am not afraid to admit it but I am also willing to get out of this mess that I created. I need guidance because as you all can tell I have no idea what I am doing.
All I want is my own self to be normal again. I want to be the guy I once was. I do not want to be an emotional wreck all the time. I am going to work this out and I will be who I once was. I will take any steps I need to take and make all the right/wrong turns to get myself out of here. I will not dwell in this mess and continue having self-pity. This should not be such a big deal and it doesn't have to if you follow all the right steps. I did not and look where I am. I am not mad at anyone but myself. I am not mad at my ex. I am only mad at myself for not having listened. If you knew me in person you would know just the type of man I am. Everyone says that I am the good guy. One who does not judge, one who is sympathetic, etc... But I do not want to be egoistic here either. :confused::confused::confused::confused:
Well it's your situation and we're here to help so you're allowed to be egoistic :).
Like we said before AE, we have the experience and we passed through the pain so that you don't have to, or at least you won't have to make the same mistakes we did.
It's no magic, you just need to continue applying NC and doing everything that's right (taking care of your body, socializing, going out with friends). I would usually tell people to go and flirt and date casually but it seems you can't control yourself :D, so no flirting for you and no dating.
Socialize as much as you can, but don't show you are available. Girls understands men's body language and you can show that you want nothing.
Relax AE, don't let things get you overwhelmed and hyped up. We know you're a good guy who just needs some time to figure out the nuances of life for yourself, and you will, no doubt.
Just an observation though, any mention of the ex seems to send you into impulsive actions brought on by some intense emotions. In this case you broke NC over something someone said she did.
These are the things you ignore in the future, and never react to. As Judge Judy says, that's just hearsay. It doesn't matter if its true or not because its in the past, and irrelevant to the future.
Thanks you two.
The current girlfriend is over here and I have tried to bring up my concerns but basically she argued them. I will share more later. Not going to well.
Wow, I suck at breaking up. So this is basically what went down.
I brought up all my concerns/red flags to her. I told her about her use of oxycodone. She tells me that she has not used it since last year. She tells me that she has not done more than just a few times. She tells me that she regrets using it and that it is a thing of the past now. I bring up the issue about condom use. She instantly tells that she is completely okay with using one for however long I need to. She told me how the other night she was just very argumentative because it was her time of the month. So then I bring up her dating past. She tells me that she had 5 boyfriends in high school and that I am her 6th boyfriend so far in college. I asked her about how many times she hooked up. She told me that it was non of my business. So... that went unanswered.
But there is one more BIG thing that she tells me she will tell me a year or two down the road. Something bad happened to her and she feels horrible about it. She says when she tells me it will make me run away from her. She really got emotional about it and started tearing up so I switched the subject. She told me that she wants to make me fall in love with her before she tells me anything else because it will be less likely that I will leave. I was like... NO! I asked her its better to tell me everything now.
When we finished out talk she was even more infatuated with me and hugged/kissed me. She ended up staying over the night.
So way to go me. Now I am confused as hell. Part of me says leave, go, stay single, and continue dating others. The other side now is confused and tells me to give her a chance. Most of these things are in the past and it looks to me like she has changed. But I feel like I am being baited into relationship, meaning once I fall into it she will then turn a different color.
So, what do I do?
How do I break up?
Do I break up?
You're being baited all right,and you only have her word for anything she told you.
And hinting at something terrible to be told months down the line is not an honest thing to do, why not tell you now?
You have your studies to think about,your future career-I think you could do without more emotional drama right now.
And then she pulls the seduction card-can you smell the coffee?
I can.
She will not change, you just learn more and find that she was that different color all the time.Quote:
But I feel like I am being baited into relationship, meaning once I fall into it she will then turn a different color.
If your having sex, stop!
We are having sex but ever since I have been getting these vibes from her, I have stopped because it clouds my judgement. I just don't know what to do anymore. Also, even if I want to get out of this I do not know how. Am I too weak? I do not know why I cannot go through with this.
You get out of it, if that's what you really want, by being honest and telling her that you see no future with her-if that's the way you feel.
That's the best thing you can do for yourself and her a4effort is by leaving this.
There's a lot of issues right from the get go of this relationship and I don't think there really shouldn't be this way at the start of a relationship.. it's way too much work man and from what I gather you already have much things to handle on your own without this being included in it.
Leave and that's it very simple but it takes honesty and courage to know that yes you may hurt someone now but in the long run its what is best for you and her. And I think you already know this..
To tell you the truth, I do not know anything anymore. My brain is mush. Do I see a future with her, probably not. Why? She is graduating this year. I am graduating next and I will be heading off to graduate school immediately if I get accepted into a program. I enjoy her company, her friends, our discussions, her qualities (not all), etc... Could I find someone who is more compatible with me? Yes! Could I find someone else if we broke up? Yes! Do I completely want to break up with her? No, something is holding me back and it is arguing with both my gut feelings and my rational thinking. Is it my emotions? Could be, maybe I do not have the strength now to take on another break up. Am I happy when I am around her? Yes! But I know I could be happy with another individual too.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Why are my feelings changing? Is it because she is baiting me? Is it because what she told me last night changed my opinion of her?
Has she really changed? Maybe I am her fresh start. Yesterday she told me how she only sees us breaking up is if she starts thinking that I am too good for her because to her I seem perfect. I do not want to seem perfect to anyone. I do not consider myself perfect. I have strong values but I am not different than anyone else on this planet. I made mistakes (obviously) and I learn just like others do around me.
I only want one thing and that is to be happy again. I do not want to feel these emotions. I do not want to have to ponder about everything. I do not want to have my relationships be the main focus. No! I want my education to come first. I do not want to have problems with my ex. I do not want to have problems with this relationship.
Let your brain and your gut tell you what you need to be happy.
Hey guy, your making too much of this. Remember when I said HONESTY is the way to go? You simply tell her your to hurt over your last break up and have a hard time jumping into another relationship at this time, nothing serious, and you don't want her to feel used as a rebound, or get her hopes up. That way you can define the relationship, and only have to stick to your guns when she pushes. Not only is that the truth, but you can also back away to a safe distance.
Yes its hard for a guy not to be seduced by sex, darn hard, but when you bring it into the mix, things change, and attachments are hard to break.
Its about honesty though in the end, and you can enjoy it, if you are nothing but straight up honest.
She may agree with this, she may not, but for sure things get more complicated as long as your following her pace, and her rules, with no DEFINITE imput from you.
Its easy to follow a moving river, but sometimes you have to swim for dry land, against the current.
Honesty is not free, it comes with a price, as does standing up for yourself, so you don't fall for anything.
Tal, what do you mean by this? Are you saying that I should let her know that I do not want a relationship but that we should take one step back to dating? Or are you saying to completely let her go?Quote:
That way you can define the relationship, and only have to stick to your guns when she pushes.
Not an easy situation but you clearly aren't happy right now. If you are not happy, then it would be unwise to stay with her even if she is hurt now. It's like a band-aid, quick and easy.
She will feel pain, but much less then a couple of years down the road when you both understand that you're incompatible. If you do need to break up, you need to do it now. Don't be afraid of being alone and single right now, it might be what you need.
We all learn from our mistakes, so I believe this is why it's important to make them.
The best case is she is willing to go more at your pace with much lower expectations, but if not, you go your own way without her.
The point is to represent yourself, and don't just get pushed in a direction you don't want to go. That's clearly what your feeling now, just following her lead.
The sex complicates things for sure. If it were not for your own misgivings you would be having a great time wouldn't you? I think so.
I think your learning the true value of honest communications. The how is in the practice.
I'm trying not to lead you to conclusion, but rather guide you to solutions that work for you. You haven't broken it off with her because you're having fun, and don't want to end it, which is understandable, but you are also having misgivings, and are holding back, also understandable given the speed you two have moved, and all the little mysteries, and drama involved.
But you have to get beyond all that and give voice to what you want, and deal with the tears and emotions females give you. No other way guy, so talk, and see what she makes of it.
As Paxe has said, right now your taking the easy way out, and that bites you later.
A4effort... you were thinking with your little head on this one. You went for the easy take down and skipped the whole dating process. I've done this a couple of times and found that once you move too fast, the relationship is essentially broken. You end up finding things out about that person that you REALLY wish you knew prior.
As far as the drug thing. Some people believe that drugs are disgusting, unnecessary, and inherently bad. I am on the fence about that. I am of the mindset that some drugs are worse than others. I have done some things, actually a lot of things, in my teens and early twenties that were not good for me. Did that make me a bad person... not at all. Did I become a zombie and flounder through life... NO! I straightened up, graduated from college with honnors and a degree in IT and landed a sweet job. Just because someone chooses to ingest something, doesn't mean that they are bad. They may not be the healthiest people and doing these things does raise issues about judgment, but everyone changes over time. Life is about the future, not the past. The past is used to learn in order to be prepared for the future, not as a tool to judge other by.
Everyone goes through a "growing up" phase where we make choices that determine who we may turn out to be as adults. The people who have the problem, are the ones that never "reach" a maturity level to be considered an adult. Most people do, even those who made bad choices and decided to get into drugs or other bad situations. I would not completely write someone off purely based on their past behavior and choices, because I have personally been there.
Many time people get ideas and opinions about certain things without experiencing them first hand and in turn judge others for it. That is not a good thing to do.
Now with your current GF, she had made poor choices in the past. The only way to gage on how she will be later is how she acts with you, how she communicates with you, and the choices she makes now. Granted the black-out drunken party fest she had last weekend doesn't help her case, but remember, you are both still VERY young, and have a lot of growing up to do. Along the way you will need to make choices that determine your future. Drug and alcohol abuse are not generally good choices to make, but they are not the end of the world, and it is very likely that she is just seeing what is out there. You have a different approach. You are very health oriented and much more reserved than she is. This sounds like a case where the differences between you is causing conflict. You are disgusted and want her to be health. She wants to be with you, but is she willing enough to change? Not right now...
When you try and change someone, things go down hill. That is why dating is SO important. You need to find someone where you are satisfied enough with the person that they are, so you don't feel you need to change them. That's one of the important keys to long lasting relationship.
Ok, so I am seeing her again later tonight. I don't know if I will tell her anything tonight because I just need to compose myself. I am feel very off balance and need to be composed before saying anything. But... if the opportunity does arise I will let her know. It all depends on how she feels.
I agree with Tal and how I should tell her that I was wrong for thinking that I was ready for a committed relationship. I will tell her how I need to back up now so that I do not hurt her in the long run. Will I tell her that we are breaking up? I don't know but I will let her know that I need to take a few steps back.
This needs to happen soon because I do not want to continue stringing her along because she does deserve a nice guy who will be committed to her.
I need to go work out though, get some tension off my body.
*smacks head on desk*
Take care of yourself first and foremost and don't stay with her just because you don't want to hurt her, you'll end up hurting her more.
Being single and taking care of yourself is a good thing, you'll attract tons of women. I mean you will attract so much you will be fed up. I'm in that stage right now.
Yeah I have several things keeping me back from returning back to my normal state.Quote:
Originally Posted by paxe
1.) I am having ex withdrawals, and even though she is out of my life I still have feelings for her. She is not making it easier but constantly trying to rub things in my face. But hopefully after this semester I will be seeing even less of her. Its hard to move on when your ex throws in your face how she has a new boyfriend, flirts, hangs out with all your old friends, and acts innocent through this whole thing.
2.) I am having a difficult time deciding how I feel about this new girl. Even though I have seen plenty of red flags there is still something keeping me from breaking up with her. My brain, heart, and gut all have intermixed feelings and I cannot get myself to break up with her. One side does not want to give up the friends that I met through her, give up having a partner, and give up a relationship. Another side tells me that she is not a good match for me and that I should heal before dating again.
3.) I need to work on being single. I thought I was and I kept on telling myself this up to a point where I started believing myself. But now I see that I am not. I thought being in another relationship would help but now that I am in a relationship, I do not want it as much as I thought I did. But for some reason right now I do not have enough courage to be single. I sounds so weak of me but its true. I am afraid of being single because I have been hurt so much in the last few months.
We all need to learn how to be single and being happy single. A relationship is supposed to make us feel happy with ourselves and the person we're with.
The fear of being single, sadly keeps quite a few people in relationships that don't make them happy.
I think you know that what you need to do is get over your ex completely,date and get to know more people and then start a new relationship when you're ready for it.
1. You need to try and avoid her at all costs. If it is impossible and she continues to try and bother you, you need to put your foot down and tell her the deal. Tell her that you do not want to talk or see her anymore... Plain and simple.
2. You need to be honest with her and yourself and tell her how you feel.
3. Being single isn't bad. You just need to find things to fill your time that are fun and allow you to meet new people.
More than anything, being single is about standing on your own, your own feet, your own life and utilizing your own skills do do anything you want. Developing a life that eventually is attractive to others as one they want to share in. A significant other doesn't make you, you make yourself, and it is the self you make that leads to love and such.
It is time you became a truly self identifying person and not someone who relies on the emotions of another to lift himself up or utilize as a crutch. It is scary having to do this, having to depend on only yourself and not get the love and support of that special someone, but it is crucial in development of a young adolescent to a true adult.
I also don't even think you should date. Your emotions are such that you will blow certain things out of proportion. You need to focus on being happy single and forget the other stuff. If you can't honestly keep things in perspective, you shouldn't be dating anyone. Just my opinion.
Yeah when I was single for that month it was not all that bad at all. I was able to hang out with many different girls, have more time to myself, and just socialize with friends. I have a ton on my plate as it is with school, 3 jobs, and my psychology research.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmw0713
I guess I really do enjoy just having someone by me that I can have in depth conversations with, share intimate moments, and enjoy female company.
It wouldn't be as hard if I could do some of these things with friends. But my current friends are the typical college males whose only love is football and are to masculine to talk about anything "touchy" or philosophical. I am a psychology student so I love to analyze human behavior and most of my friends are engineers who are great friends but tend to have very concrete thoughts and do not enough conversations about human behavior, philosophy and spirituality.
I agree with your opinion and I believe that you are completely right. All through high school, I did not care if I was in a relationship. I did not look for one and I was completely content just being single. I even knew that if I wanted to be in a relationship that I could have been in one but I just enjoyed being single. I never feared or needed anyone by my side. But once I met my first love it changed me. Now I tend to depend more on people for emotional support. It is more difficult to be single because I really enjoy what a relationship can do for a couple. I need to return to my old self where I only depended on myself and nobody else.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
So today I am insanely busy with school work. I went from class straight to the library to work on a 10 page paper. I am staying up all night to finish this paper. My girlfriend called to find out how my day was going. She found out what my night entails and surprised me at the library with a small study package that included some food, fruit, and energy drinks. I thought that was so adorable and thoughtful but at the same time it makes it much harder for me to break up with her.
Should I continue giving her a chance?
It looks like the main problem is that you are somewhat afraid of losing for whatever reason. Honestly, it seems for your own good and for her own good you need to break up. The more time you take, the more painful it is going to take.
Think of it as doing a favor for her, if down the line you are not compatible, it's going to break her heart much more than if you do it now.
If you want to stick with her, you better have no doubt.
This is what I think; Take it for what it's worth:
Back in one of my previous posts (#500) I said that people make choices as the grow up that determine who they become as adults. Many times these choices serve as learning experiences that we base our future decisions from.
You say that she is a party girl and uses recreational drugs . She claims it is only once in a while and she hasn't done it lately. Have you talked to her about that? Have you told her how her occasional drug use and partying makes you feel? Maybe she will work on straightening herself out if you support her.
I think she is making obvious moves that show she really likes you. The whole study package was completely unexpected. Everyone on this board says time and time again that actions speak louder than words. She is working to keep you around.
If you can forget her past mistakes, tell her how her lifestyle makes you feel, and support her if she makes the choice to straighten up, then I would say give her a chance. It seems she is putting forth some sort of effort to being with you.
If you can't do that, then I agree with paxe. You need to step to the plate and quit leading her on. You are confused because you rushed into this too fast. You still have the choice of slowing things down, but you need to communicate this to her. Remember communication is key here. She will most likely understand and work with you if she wants to be with you. If she doesn't, then let her walk.
Just from where I sit, you take whatever she gives you, enjoy it, an cry about being afraid to tell her the truth.
I think you have used the inexperienced excuse enough. I think you have used the fear excuse long enough.
Get off your a$$, and at least act like a man, even if you don't know how. As the say in the Nike commercial, "Just Do It"
Sorry to be harsh (Not really) but its your move.
Well... I did it. I feel horrible and in no way relieved.
I told her how I HONESTLY felt. I told her that there were some red flags raised that makes me super cautious. Also, I told her how there are some values that I have that do not match up with her. I told her how I feel we rushed into this relationship and I would like to slow it down. I did NOT break up with her but rather I just told her how I felt and if she wanted to continue seeing me that it would be great. I also told her that if she did not want to see me again that I would understand.
I feel horrible having told this to her because she is so into me. She is a great girl and deserves to be treated well. But my dumbass hurt her.
Right after I told her this she became instantly withdrawn and distant. She would not look at me and continued saying "Im fine." Which we all know that is not what it means. She wouldn't talk any further about it so I gave her the space she needed. We are seeing each other tomorrow.
This sucks. REALLY bad.
I don't understand why you,having the doubts you've voiced, can't bring yourself to break up with her? This is a mess,but you're allowing it to remain a mess. Sorry,but what are you doing here? Trying to push her into breaking it off ? If she were on this board asking for advice, that's what I would advice her to do.
It's great that you were up front with her about all the things that were bothering you. She now knows how you feel. Hopefully you were not too harsh... I think the way she reacted is normal for this situation.
Now that you have done this, it's time to work together to make this something you both can thrive in and enjoy. If you are still having doubts, then it would be best to let this end and find someone else.
Don't hesitate to do things anything you need for yourself because you you're afraid of hurting someone else's feelings. You can't make everyone happy all the time, and sometimes the feelings we have or the choices we make don't make other people happy. That's life.
So technically you haven't broken up with her and you're leaving her the choice of breaking up. Seriously, I'm not sure when you are going to man up. This is a mess from the beginning and as amicon said, you're making it worse and worse. You're seeing each other after that? Great, that will go smoothly. With what you said, she isn't going to stay long with you and there is a possibility that she may cheat on you.
Really? You have to be kidding. First of all telling me to man up does not do a thing for me. I chose to not break up with her. Its not because I didn't have the balls to do it. I chose this route.
Everybody, told me to tell her how I feel. That's what I did.
I did not break up with her because there are a lot of qualities that attract me to her and I would like to continue seeing her to see if we can turn this into a great relationship.
The answer to everyone's problem her is break up. No wonder the U.S has such high divorce rates.
Hey buddy,
You're the one suffering from your past mistakes: contacting ex over and over, going into a new relationship thinking you're OK, then having ex withdrawals and seeing that your current girlfriend isn't what you hoped for...
If that is true why are you suffering, having doubts and why aren't you over your ex?Quote:
Originally Posted by A4Effort
The problem here is that you've taken the middle ground, you haven't broken with her but you've told her your feelings thinking all the problems will vanish (as before).
My answer from the beginning was to heal, and not jump into a new relationship with all the complications it had led to and that we have all foresaw. The path that you've taken will bring you more pain.
While we can advise, and give opinions, we can't dictate, only wait and see what happens. Everything happens for a reason, and either she will agree, and go at a much slower pace, or stop seeing you.
I think you just have to wait and see, where the path you have chosen takes you, and deal with it accordingly.
Your seeing her tomorrow, (today? ) so not a long time to see what happens next.
I agree with Tal, only time will tell how things will work. I think that if you both put a good honest effort toward things, you will be fine. Take things slow, enjoy your time together and learn more about each other.
I don't think you're off to a bad start. It would have been bad if she didn't want to see you today/tomorrow, but she does. When you see her, don't keep rehashing that conversation over and over. Enjoy your time together and do something fun!
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