Thanks all.

Tal, I know all too well about talking to myself, as I work independently and spend the majority of my time alone. Good days & bad days, sometimes the combination of both.

Reactor, I appreciate your kind words and feel for you as well. I can't imagine having depression and a breakup on top of everything. Don't blame yourself. I, in know way wish to compare.

NC has removed the drama, yes. But has also been an internal battle that still goes on. It's the thoughts that pop up. Sometimes I can can deal with them straight away, other times debilitate me.

And johvanna,
I like your quote "God's delays aren't Gods denials"
Not looking for anything "coming back" in regards to her, but...
Patience. Yes. And more strength.

Reactor,

You are doing the right thing by getting help.

I got to say, Ive had a really low week. Wanting to cash it in.
Tired, exhausted actually of this and everything.

I think I need to seek some therapy as well. Feeling weak, I can't do it alone anymore. I know Ive gained, but can't seem to get it together.

I was hoping time and work would get me there, but I guess I haven't been working hard enough. Im sick of this. Feeling pretty worthless lately and replaced.

Van I think you re right about going for therapy it s a good thing.Even though all the emotions you re going through are normal it seems to me that you re a bit hard on yourself?Someone once said to me when we get stuck at least there s something there that can move forward if we allow ourselves to let it become unstuck-I rather like that one.

Thanks, I haven't found that something yet.

I'm honestly surprised you haven't yet spoken to a therapist yet.

In Vancouver, I can imagine there being more than enough capable and established/respected therapist's within comfortable driving distance. Go for it.

As for me, I'm on the brink of self-destruction. Lost my girl to greener pastors, lost my job, and lost myself.

Quite sure therapy will be excellent for your situation Van.

No doubt your still changing patterns of behavior, and thinking, that the time with the ex has led you too. That's okay, as it takes time, and there will be many things that will trigger good/bad memories.

Quote:

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As I work independently and spend the majority of my time alone.

---

This is something you can change, and should, as there is nothing like people, and activities, to overcome the triggers that bring haunting thoughts, and feelings, and make NEW memories and motivations.

I cannot tell you how volunteer work is a remedy, for many ills. One day a week can change your whole outlook, and give you something to look forward too.

I'm not saying make yourself into a social butterfly, but, do not isolate your self from human input, and feedback, for long periods of time. Not while your healing the hole in your soul!

Thanks, Reactor.
My story is very similar. Lost my job in March, girl in May to greener pastures, and myself slowly in the past 5 years. I feel your pain in those regards.

Haven't spoke to anyone professionally, thought I could do it myself and with all of yours and others help. Plus zero health insurance right now.

Tal, thanks.
I know Im changing and that brings more heartache at times.
I do engage, and am not a hermit. But, you're right, Changing lifestyle is something I need to work on. Sometimes, its just me & my mind.

Thanks guys...

Currently, I'm paying $85 a session (1 hour).

Though it's true, through Tao, Tal, and everyone else here, you have been getting excellent advice and feedback. I assume this thread isn't rated 5 stars for nothing.

Not to push, but how long has it been since you last heard word from your ex.

Are you proud of how long the NC has been, or has the time without contact gotten you more down and 'bloated', as it were. Odd question, but I'm curious.

Hello Van,

You could try reading some books like "conquest of happiness" by Bertrand Russell. It is a very easy read, not meant to be theoretical or scholarly, even though written by a very prominent mind. I found it very engaging. You are now figuring out the next stage of your life, and times like these are very important for growth. You are just building a new life. Think of it as a new life.

Once again, at the expense of repetition by everyone, DO stuff - go out, say hi to new people, volunteer (you must try this!), read, watch happy movies, run, jog, exercise, swim... and be patient with yourself. Therapist won't do anything for you - he will just urge you to take charge of this situation by doing these things.


Tara

"Therapist won't do anything for you"

I agree, and disagree. It's all in which therapist you choose, really. It can also be invigorating to share your inner most feelings with a face to face human being, rather than continuously typing/reading feedback vicariously throughout, which is definitely a helpful & healthy thing, no doubt.

Figure if this has helped you this far, speaking to someone respected/educated in the field could be that extra yardage you need to jump over this hell hurdle.

Such as life.

We all may be going or has been through similar things, and can give advise until the cows come home
But..

The point is its different for everyone.

For me it all helps.
Whatever it takes to break through.

Glad to have you all with me. And vis-versa

Reactor,

To answer your question about the last time.

Was a week & a half ago. A 2 ring hangup call on my cell.

The last time was and email & later a text wanted me to get together when she strolled into town. A month ago. "Id really love to see you" "I hope you will" kind of sh**t "Love, etc."

In between some attempts in contacting my closest friends.
"It would be helpful to know if hes ok.." "Can I call u 4 2 min?"

But first:
"Dont know where youre at, but Im ok"

Before that (the first one): "Not sure if youre working, but, I wanna say hi" "Let me know when I can call"

This was after our last conversation. As she hung up on me, left me sobbing & booked to visit her family to escape, a trip that was never planned for me.. 4 days after she dropped the bomb.

Dumped me over the phone, lied, then booked. Fix it later in her mind.

That's when I went NC and proud at least for that, as hard as it is. Thanks to the advice here. Yes mon.

Don't wish her or anything she touches to involve me physically ever again. Only if it helps me spiritually.

Im still working on that part.
Van
Hope that answers.

And, thanks tara1, don't mean to neglect you.

Read your thread. Some good advice about not worrying about your ex.
"all it does ist hurt you and make it so you can't heal and move on."

Your right about thinking of this as a new life. Well put. Thanks.

How's your healing going?

You have had 6 trigger points in the last 30 days! Your handling it great!

Quote:

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Was a week & a half ago. (1)A 2 ring hangup call on my cell.

(2)The last time was and email &(3) later a text wanted me to get together when she strolled into town. A month ago. (4)"Id really love to see you" "I hope you will" kind of sh**t "Love, etc."

In between some attempts in contacting my closest friends.
(5)"It would be helpful to know if hes ok.." "Can I call u 4 2 min?"

But first:(6)
"Dont know where youre at, but Im ok"

Before that (the first one): "Not sure if you're working, but, I wanna say hi" "Let me know when I can call"

---

Edit/ No your doing great since May!

I am doing better since I last wrote about myself. Thanks.

Here is something to keep you amused:
http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fishe...n_in_love.html
Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat | Video on TED.com

Thanks, tal.

There's lots more. Just a matter of learning to not let them hurt me.


Tara:
Interesting stuff thanks.

Forgive me incessant posts lately.

Having a rough week.

Tapes are running tonight & talking in her voice. Sorry, Byron Katie.

"Ive been here for 5 yrs & never got a chance to be single in this city. I can't move again without experiencing that. Im over him, been there, done that. There's nothing more he can give me. Feel sorry, but this and my freedom is way more important than him.

Trying to get rid of this sh**t.
I guess we suffer, make progress and suffer some, or maybe that's just me.

"I guess we suffer, make progress and suffer some, or maybe thats just me."

Same boat boss... same boat... the constant struggle.

Sometimes I want to mirror her bad actions & justifications to end this pain in my head & heart.

The coldness, plan & composure, the silly jabs. "Can u check me in to my flights, youre the best boyfriend."

Me doing the same, in terms of emotional void. Sounds right many times.

Not caring.

My battle.

It seems we both need a little Rage in our emotions against 'them'.

I'm numb to rage, hence why I suffer.

"them"
I like that.

Just like battling those giant insects in the sci-fi flicks, hey?

Rage is another word for uncontrolled outbursts. Not exactly what I meant. Meant more about quickly moving on, as my ex did... for good.

Its all about the "L" word.

Ya know, my real battle has been with realization.

Tal, said way back about our coping mechanisms.

Mine have sucked. Been seeking every ounce of help. Digging, then denying. You, friends, the late nights, early a.m.s. abuse at times, pushing myself with exercise at others. Doing great, then falling apart.

My coping now needs to change.

May be just this period. But, Im getting really frustrated & tired dealing with this.

My method is still changing. Feel so unclear at times.

When we get sick, and tired, of being sick, and tired, we get busy with change. That's when through an honest self evaluation of ourselves we start to identify the changes we want, and formulate a plan to achieve those goals.

Darn it, everything you do for yourself involves some freakin' work, and just speaking for myself, its pretty doggone hard to wake up, and be willing to do it.

Believe me, in my youth, I have tried a lot of easier, softer ways to feel good, and be happy, and none of them worked.

It was only until I became willing to work for change, real change, not just on paper, or words, but actions, did I start seeing a better way of doing things, and a better way to love myself, so no matter what came about, I wouldn't fall for any more BS, that could hurt me, or bring me done so low, that I couldn't, or didn't want to, get back up.

Yeah life throws curves at us all the time, and knocks us down, so what, stuff happens (to good people), but getting back on our feet, and moving forward, is the way to cope with whatever happens to us.

Then, it truly does get better. Stand for something (yourself) or fall for anything (life).

I think I'd just like some random stranger to come up, slap me in the face, and scream "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

I'll be reading your above post over and over in the coming days Tal.

Yup, I feel that all of the time.

One thing I was thinking is that Ive lived w/o her for almost 4mo.

What do I need to be happy?

Its funny I have a close old friend in NY that met my ex a few yrs ago. And said to me "Dude, she too young for you. Plus I dont really think that she that into you"

I spoke with him about a month ago and told him I was still struggling. He said "What is she still making trouble for you, talking to you, etc.."

I said no.

He was like. "Dude get over her" "You need a woman, not a girl"

I guess my point is sometimes people know you better than you know yourself. Especially when you are blinded and in denial.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Yeah life throws curves at us all the time, and knocks us down, so what, stuff happens (to good people), but getting back on our feet, and moving forward, is the way to cope with whatever happens to us.

---

Here is a nice quote to drive this point home:
"My sympathies were not entirely with Okonkwo . . . . Life just has to go on and if you refuse to accept changes, then, tragic though it may be, you are swept aside"
- Chinua Achebe (on "Things fall apart's character Okonkwo)


I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but gets you moving.

That's great, thanks. Killer.

When and how we decide to change.
And the repercussions if we don't.

Life just has to go on.

.. forgot to block the ex on msn... after all these months (she's thinks I don't live in toronto.. long story) she goes "you don't love in toronto loser!!!"

.. and I cry at this... why am I so weak?

Ewwwww...

More hurt. Goes to show you what kind of person can say sh**t like that.

Why haven't you blocked her out of everything?

Loser? Who's says that to someone? A sadist.

She wants you to believe that & play on your weakenesses.

Don't let her, she's already done her damage.

I thought she was blocked on msn Van... honestly

Figured this was just going to be another lonely night in, now it's a lonely night with broken NC... checked her Facebook because, well, I just talked to her... NEVER... her main pic was her and her new boyfriend kissing... that's as far as I went... I just can't take this... I'm too weak for this.

Why is she texting you anyway?

Gets off on it?

No, she didn't text me. I don't have a cell now because I was on her plan... etc.

She IM'd me on msn while I was out for a run... my name on msn was 'meat market on Spadina... how lovely' which meant I may be getting a gig at a meat market... yay.

She lives in Toronto and knows I want to be there. So she doesn't believe me that I'm living here... thats vexing as hell.

I just want to email her saying get over yourself... but no, that would be giving her power.

Stop causing yourself more pain.

Did you find out what you needed by investigating?

Did that feel good? You got what you were looking for.

That main pic says it all right now.

Don't subject yourself to this anymore. Its your doing by retarded curiousity & wanting closure.

You got your closure. Now stop caring about her.

What does she care if you live there or not? It's a big city.

Wants to keep you around to sh**t on while calling you a loser if you don't live there. Hmm, that's pretty twisted. You want more of that?

Yo, sounds A lot like my ex. Self absorbed girl, headcase, insecure.

She wants you to see those Facebook pictures...

Hey Reactor,

Just wanted you to know that when I write, Im writing to myself too.

Your right... she does van.

She doesn't believe I live in Toronto because over the past 4 months of hell I was telling her in desparation that I'm moving to Toronto asap etc... with no money, no brain, and no means of going there, it took all this time, and now she doesn't believe me.

Exactly. I could sense that, which is partly why I posted my episode tonight on here. To dish it out, and reflect. Hopefully, that felt good.

I'm going to take some sleeping pills to make this nightmare ease in my dreams... preciate the call & response van... thanks, and goodnight.