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Originally Posted by vanheart

Ive had a few pretty depressing days since, questioning my worthand trying to understand and release the feelings of rejection and "how could she do this" sort of stuff.

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Hey Van,

It might not always feel like it, but you have come a long way. It's good to hear from you.

OK, so everybody is going to bust you on the "self worth fallacy," and they should. You have the experience and personal resources to debug that one. In the end, the most sophisticated techniques and psychology will be less powerful than a personal decision to simply love yourself, no matter what. Do that. Treat yourself with respect. Always.

As for trying to understand and release those feelings of rejection, I believe that you can gain a lot through that endeavor. If you can observe and listen when those tapes run, you have a chance of releasing them, putting them in an archive somewhere in the recesses of your mind. But keep in mind the possibility that some day you will need to access them in order to feel the empathy to help another human being.

The "how could she do this" part still hasn't caught up with current reality. He hasn't assimilated the facts and could be the holdout who is still causing you to suffer. Spend some time with him.

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My feelings have grown to utter sadness in a way. The loss. The amazement of going from love to nothingness in such a short time. How 5 years can end so abruptly. Hurts, but have been trying to dig deeper with my inner work and understanding.

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Keep it up. With her, it's over. Done. With your inner life, your sadness and loss make room in you and deepen you for true, lifelong love, starting with a healthy sense of self love.

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I am so lucky to have a few very close friends who have been incredible & I have redirected my love towards them. Makes me weep at times in gratitude.

There's still not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss the closeness and security of having someone in my life.

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Two powerful statements here:

(1) Gratitude is the nectar of the gods, the force that heals, the catalyst and fuel of your (and my) liberation from illusion and the suffering it brings. Be grateful for your life.

Be with what is so that what is to be may become. - Soren Kierkegaard

(2) You need to love and be loved. You need to know a mate and be known by her. You need someone in your life, someone who chooses you, and whom you choose again and again and again. You haven't found that person yet. She's looking for you.

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Ive been fortunate to land a giant gig that will take me through October. Perfect timing actually.

My focus is to be the most kind and aware person that I can be and avoid drama at all costs, and keep learning.

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That's the right focus. Remember it.

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I thank everyone that has given their unselfish advise here.
That has meant the world to me.

Van.

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It means a lot to us, too. Keep posting updates. When you wake up one day soon with this episode in your life done, digested, and assimilated enough for you to forget it 99% of the time (It should never go away completely; it's learning) you might find yourself helping someone who needs your unique talents and perspectives. Share what you've got. You'll be glad that you did.

Enjoy the giant gig.

Tao

Thank you Tao.
I appreciate those thoughts.

Tao,

Thanks again especially for that Kierkegaard quote. You always know what stage I'm at. Nice one.

BTW, tried to get into that "General Theory of Love", but wasn't ready. Maybe later.

Been getting into the Carlos Casteneda stuff again. Wasn't ready when I read it at as a teenager.

Anyway, glad that you are here.

Hey,

That last push from everyone has brought me through that door I was so afraid to go through. Thanks.

Chuffs words about comparing myself to her & esteem & Tao's words about making room for goodness. "She hasnt found me yet." No wonder..

I still write notes and put them in front of me. One tonight: "Star-effers and boyfriends dont mix". I wish I had written that one a long time ago, and recognized it.

Another one was "Whos in your IN box?" My sense of humor.

At the risk of being sappy, thanks.

My movement is now forward completely. My love and its direction.

Having one of those days.

Running tapes.

Trying to be active and patient, but sometimes these recurrent thoughts become out of my control. Mostly because, I guess the past is catching up with reality & Im not letting go. Even though I know Im strong, moved on, and being grateful, helping others too. I know truly that Im a good man.

The pain is still there & I want nothing more to relieve that. I know that this is larger than this breakup, but, sometimes the rejection & all that comes with it, is overwhelming, all of the lies & deceit. The disrespect.

Sucks. A$$.

Letting myself be used.

OK,

She's here for another wedding today. Another one of her oldest gf's.

Plus Ive read a couple articles she's written. And boy if they aren't my words. Even my punk NYC accent & terms. She knew how smart I was, but also how stupid. Plus, I saw she's teaching classes. (another thing I pushed her to do, as a side project.) After all, why not let interns & students worship you?

Im venting, sorry.

Pissed, sad, hurt & weirded out. Among other things.

Vent on van-thats what we re here for-and days like you just described are normal as I think you know.betayals suck-having been lied to sucks-but you as a you said are a good man and nobody can take that away from you!wishing you a better day tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Having one of those days.

Running tapes.

Trying to be active and patient, but sometimes these recurrent thoughts become out of my control. Mostly because, I guess the past is catching up with reality & Im not letting go. Even though I know Im strong, moved on, and being grateful, helping others too. I know truly that Im a good man.

The pain is still there & I want nothing more to relieve that. I know that this is larger than this breakup, but, sometimes the rejection & all that comes with it, is overwhelming, all of the lies & deceit. The disrespect.

Sucks. A$$.

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A window is open and it's Opportunity Time: What does the past catching up with reality feel like? Where does that change muscle tightness in your body? When you let go, what happens? What sits just below the surface, trying to be recognized?

"The rejection & all that comes with it" are red herrings, distractions from experiencing realizations about yourself, your part in creating the drama from which you are recovering. You get big changes when you let the rest of the story come into consciousness, when you own your part it writing the script.

Casteneda would understand.

Tao

Believe me, u can get another better girlfriend!

Thanks everyone.

And Tao, I do & have taken a critical look at myself, my past relationships.

Know that I have been in denial. Allowed myself to ignore signs and have not stood up for my own needs.

Gave and gave until there's nothing left of who I originally started as.
Stemming a lot from my disconnected Mom & her own ignorance of reality. She doesn't even really know what I do. (after 25 years.)

In fact I didn't even tell her until a couple months after. She said "Why dont you call that last girl you went with"

Knowing all of this and working on it sometimes doesn't help fight those bouts of pain, but Im trying.

Makes me feel that these 5 years were a waste in a way, & how I got with the wrong person, for wrong reasons. Felt that selfishness all along.
The breakup was, in a way the icing on a bad cake. And Im still in denial that this was more of the same only the sum of the parts.

Those feelings of rejection are more ignorance on my part. And Im still perpetuating it.

I guess I get so upset that I gave and she took with no concern. My fault in a way. What gets me sometimes is the way she ended it and had zero respect after so long.

I guess people and their emotional skillsets are different.

Time and continued awareness are my salvation.
(and everyone here.)

Thanks,
Van

You know..

Was thinking that she didn't recognize sh$$t.
And, I didn't recognize eating it.

Thanks.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks everyone.

And Tao, I do & have taken a critical look at myself, my past relationships.

Know that I have been in denial. Allowed myself to ignore signs and have not stood up for my own needs.

Gave and gave until there's nothing left of who I originally started as.

That's what happened. You shaped yourself according to the image you thought she wanted. You gave away your choices.

Stemming a lot from my disconnected Mom & her own ignorance of reality. She doesnt even really know what I do. (after 25 years.)

Consider the possibility that you did with her what you also did to survive emotionally growing up with your Mom. We all repeat our Mom pattern with the women we love. It doesn't work. It wasn't what she needed, primarily because she isn't your Mom.

In fact I didnt even tell her until a couple months after. She said "Why dont you call that last girl you went with"

Knowing all of this and working on it sometimes doesnt help fight those bouts of pain, but Im trying.


You will stop hurting when you have learned to just let it all be, your part in it as well as hers.

Makes me feel that these 5 years were a waste in a way, & how I got with the wrong person, for wrong reasons. Felt that selfishness all along.

You knew exactly what you were doing. It wasn't a waste, and she wasn't the wrong person. She just wasn't the lifelong person, your partner for life. The payoff (and the healing) come to you when you just attend to what you learned from this, and are just grateful.
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The breakup was, in a way the icing on a bad cake. And Im still in denial that this was more of the same only the sum of the parts.

Those feelings of rejection are more ignorance on my part. And Im still perpetuating it.

You can stop when you are ready.

I guess I get so upset that I gave and she took with no concern. My fault in a way. What gets me sometimes is the way she ended it and had zero respect after so long.

There's no good way to end it. Even if she would have done everything "right" your heart would be broken. You would find reasons for feeling the way you do. It's not wrong. It just hurts.

I guess people and their emotional skillsets are different.

Time and continued awareness are my salvation.
(and everyone here.)

You got the last part right. Like the rest of us, awareness, and just awareness, opens the way through this to a state of wholeness.
Thanks,
Van

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Practice presence.

tao

Thank you, Tao.
That helps very much.

I haven't let it be yet.

I guess the past hasn't truly caught up in my mind.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thank you, Tao.
That helps very much.

I havent let it be yet.

I guess the past hasnt truly caught up in my mind.

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What is your inclination at this point? Are you inclined to give it a rest, or reduce the charge you feel (pain), or dive deeper into your psyche and figure out how to resolve the underlying pattern, or do nothing? Or something else?

What, coming from within your own mind/body, will be the biggest relief?

Tao

That's a good one.

Would like to give it rest. Till way later.
Maybe its habit at this point. Sometimes hard to tell.

Would love to resolve this pattern. Im just scratching that, even though its been going on for a while.

I certainly don't wish do nothing. But that sounds completely spiritual, thanks.

I guess the best relief for me will come with changing. In however way.

Thanks for digging deeper with me.

My answer is that I want to dig deeper.

Your post has me swooning. You sound like the perfect lover.. I don't know why she would do that to you. How old is she, its probably a maturity issue. She needs to live her young single life, BUT I put my money on the fact that she will regret it in 10 years.

Thanks. I heard that after the fact from girls before. My problem.

She's 35. Age doesn't matter sometimes. Just how together you are.

Her karma, if it catches up, will find me waaay gone.

That doesn't really matter. She did the right thing.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

My answer is that I wanna dig deeper.

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Gutsy answer. I know that you know this means facing some demons.

You might be glad to also know that every demon is a potential ally. They are keepers of your secrets, guardians of your keys to survival, and possibly trail guides to your happiness. Make friends with them.

I've got to sign off now. But you can choose from many approaches to digging. Remember the "Parts Party?" Maybe another one to start...

I'll be back tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Thanks, I have guts.

I haven't had a real party in a bit. Since I discovered what partying meant.
Now for a fun party...

Van

Did some "parts" work this weekend, but differently.
Blew of some steam & went out with some girl friends of mine.
Talked danced and it was great to have that female closeness.

Felt great. Plus Ive been burning on a big deadline for Monday & its been great to be creatively invested again. Keeps my mind on track.

Did get a hang-up call from my ex today. 2 rings then nothing. Got my heart rate up for a few, but actually irritated me more than anything. Don't think its was an accident, as I got a couple before. She probably just wants me to know she's still around, in a pathetic & desperate way.

Delete.

Thanks for listening again.
Van

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She probably just wants me to know she's still around, in a pathetic & desperate way.

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Looks to me like your seeing things much clearer these days.

Thanks Tal, nice 2 hear from you.

Ive equating this to the weather. Clouds an cloudedness.

Sometimes its bright & sunny, other times rain for weeks. Not unlike Vancouver. Sometimes you get hit by a lightening bolt, recover & stand in the same spot only to hit again.

Whoa, did I just say that? LOL!

Anyway, Im trying. Don't wish to feel crappy anymore.

Me either, but it happens from time to time.

Its raining now, but the sun will be back, and the grass needs the rain, even if you don't.

Sometimes the Packers beat the Bears, and the Bear fans cry, :(!!

Now your topping me with the analogies, hehehe.

Nice one. Thanks. I like that.

A life one. Who's losing, really?

Its funny my ex would always say "this is not a competition" whenever I tried to get deep or equate my emotional experience.

Translation: The opposite.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Its funny my ex would always say "this is not a competition" whenever I tried to get deep or equate my emotional experience.

Translation: The opposite.

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It's great that you cut loose with your female friends. Yeah, Boye... I hope you make your Monday deadline, and the work is superb.

Now you are free to get as deep as you want, Van. You can go wherever you can tune into with your mind, share it or not, discover new people, explore, find yourself again.

Now is it all about getting out of pain, or do you feel a drive to know more about yourself? If you dig deeper, what motivates you?

Tao

Thanks Tao.

Of course I want to know more. Not repeat my patterns.
My motivation is being happy.

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Originally Posted by vanheart

Thanks Tao.

Of course I want to know more. Not repeat my patterns.
My motivation is being happy.

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So, you can now turn your healing process into a long-term learning process. This will give you a practice, a steady, enjoyable discipline that you engage yourself in, and that gives you benefits like self-understanding, peace of mind, and so on.

You will make a "buy or build" decision. You can buy practices from the marketplace, such as various meditations, systems of yoga, martial arts, self-development workshops, etc. or you can build your own method. You already have your art, which might serve as the substrate or context for your next phase of inner work. If you find yourself sometimes going in deep reflective directions while doing your art, adding some additional purpose to it might work.

Or, if your art doesn't feel like the place for this sort of thing, you can pick any arena that suits you. Personally, I chose martial arts. The inner work in martial arts is at least as significant as the outer, physical aspect. It gets more so as one ages.

Whatever you pick will be your vehicle for letting your conscious control (an illusion, anyway) of yourself go, and inviting your unconscious mind to communicate with you. You get quiet and the parts that want to interact with your conscious self get expressive. You can be physically active or passive, just as long as you are listening and making it safe for those parts to come forward.

This is discovery, some of which you have already done. It is infinite. However you decide to practice, the first stage is all about discovery of what's there.

Well, how does that idea fit with your desires?


Tao

I guess the method, I will have to sort out.

Really interested in understanding who I am, why I make the decisions I do. Things of that nature, as well as understanding & controlling negative thoughts that impact me so much, like all of this breakup pain.

Not sure my career work really does that in a way I need.

Like you say, to truly listen to what's going on inside.

This is an amazing thread. 21 pages into this, and the insight is unreal. I say this to you guys in bed on the Itouch. This thread is infectious and full of everything I needed to hear, only four months late.

Figured I'd write something while I'm fully engrossed in this. I shudder to think where I would be today if I asked for assistance in June... onto page 22..

One more thing before I crash.

About the parts and listening.

"Who said you are?"

You?

Bump & Respond.

Exactly.
And to keep doing that. Forever.

We create all.

Take my recent professions lately as ones of honesty.

Resulting in some uplifting days and others when I wanted to jump off my balcony. Im still grieving in a way, just figuring my own path out & above. Truly learning from all of this suffering, self-inflicted. Who I am.

Taking more time than I anticipated. There's still her in my mind. And those tapes still run, crazy hurtful stuff, as well as those letters to her in my head. How may now? Stupid actually.

The good thing is that those tend to linger & not occupy. I use them to understand. Myself, more than anything. Don't disregard anything. But make sure to not dwell & move on. Its different daily.

Boy, have I learned a lot. Im still going. Thanks to all of you here.

You know who you are...

Needed to vent.

Had a few depressing days battling this and my habits.

Been going from trust in myself to questioning why Im here on this planet.
It makes me laugh that this breakup is causing this.

I don't want to care about her anymore & I still am.

Have had some parts meetings and tried to lay sh**t on the table. But getting frustrated. I need to really get busy and let this go. Curiosity, jealousness, rejection, revenge, confidence, laziness. Control. Peace, impatience, happiness... the room has been packed.

Both her words and actions still hurt. I want to put those away for a while.

Im getting angry again, which helps. I want a break from this. Im tired of her on my mind.

I find it helpful to identify what triggers certain feelings, and have plans in place to deal with those feelings.

You don't have to go through traumatic events to have a bad day, or be frustrated, believe me, as some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.

I have many days that everything I touch turns to crap, and a lousy attitude (yes, sometimes I get those too) magnifies everything around me, and seems to make them worse.

I let them pass, and try not to bite anyone's head off (weathering the storm), and find something easy, and peaceful to do.

I find talking to myself and venting helps, but feel like an idiot when someone says, "who are you talking to?"

My wife tells me all the time to pull the covers over my head, when I'm having a bad day, so everyone can leave me alone. GRRR!!

Van, I hear what your saying.

The phrases, sayings and reasons my ex left me continues to be repeated over and over. Her having sex with someone else and poking jokes at it as if it were no big deal, eats away at my inner self like termites to rotted wood.

Though her and I went out for only a year, as opposed to your 5; I continued seeing her and further reducing my status and respect as a person.

You did the mature and amicable thing in NC. I would honestly give my left arm if I were to start all over again and do nothing but NC.

This is how strongly I feel, as my therapist today now has said I'm 'close to being hospitalized.'

What I'm trying to bring forth here, is that I know you respect yourself for straight NC through these times of personal hell, but to me, I consider you a god.

A 5 year relationship with a woman (whom I can relate very well with the kind of girl you went with, although mine's 13 years younger, which attracted to follow your status) and to continue with NC despite the hell of yearnings/rage/helplessness.

I hold you, Tal, Tao, and many others who have posted here and provided their worthy two cents, in extremely high regard.

Keep on with the updates.

Deleted for chat/text

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