Thanks, tao.
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Thanks, tao.
Oh, and one more: Pilgrimage by Zenna HendersonQuote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Amazon.com: pilgrimage the book of the people
It's a great SciFi metaphor for the rejoining of parts.
I do hope you will answer my question about what you like to read.
Tao
Thanks,
Since the breakup Ive read:
Zen & Art of Motorcycle Maintanence
The John McEnroe Bio "You Cannot Be Serious"
The Mark E. Smith (Rock Singer) rants "Renegade"
On the Road
That Hollis book you recommended
Harold and Maude
Im pretty easy genre wise, if it connects with my interests.
Jack Kerouac!? Wow! Those were my Major Counter Culture days!Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Enjoy it all.
Tao
Yeah, I wanted to re-read that one...
Hi guys,
Im trying hard to close the door on this & no longer wish to waste precious time.
I feel empowered, know all of her faults, etc.. I don't love her, don't want her back or want to see or talk to her, but still Im spending a lot of thoughts toward her.
Ive been trying to resolve this final grasp, just when I thought it was the final grasp, there's more.
I talk to rejection, comparison (thinking that everyone should be honest and loving) and habit. Ive been doing a lot of boiling since this.
Maybe it's a matter of time at this point again, its only been 2 mo. (feels like way more) but, I don't want to think about this anymore.
I thought about triggers and how I may picture something whenever I thought of this & her (not too different than my notes). That doesn't seem to do it.
I know I wrote that positive not a couple days ago, and I do still feel positive, but I guess what Im asking for is some thoughts at this stage.
I want to get rid of this BS for good.
And so you will I e it won't be painful but some memories I think will remain and why not if they re good ones?don't beat yourselfup one step at the time
There is still work going on in you, Van. Some parts of you are sorting and organizing old information related to women, relationship, and associated meaning. It may have nothing to do with her (although it may). If you deepen your state of mind when doing your dialogs—make it more pure and focused; spend more time inside your mind—you can access those parts that are busy working things out, and help them.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
The dialogs, inner discovery, harmonizing parts, etc. never stop. The content and process change for the better. If you want help with the process, maybe we can set up a video chat via Skype or ooVoo.
Stay faithful to yourself. Stay on the path.
Tao
Thanks, I will try
At the risk of being an attention magnet, I wanted to post. Maybe help.
Been doing lots of soul searching with frustration and forwardness.
Its back to me. My goodness.
"How do you neglect good?" Yup. True housecleaning.
Ive been trying so hard to get rid of this. Getting tired, denying my own strength, dwelling even with realization. Posting here whenever something happens.. Not settling down.
I thought, nice. When was the last time you spent 2 plus mo. On yourself?
Way too long, I won't even tell you how long. No rushing now on this. (& I don't mean prolonging pain) Im doing all of the right things for me. And your words here were the catalyst, then and now. Thank you.
Now spend that time every day forever.
Been still writing notes and putting them out. Mostly the important ones remain.
I guess most of the broken hearts here have written letters in their head to your ex at different stages, and never sent.
I wrote one tonight to myself, in response...
My life is so much better. Thanks for that.
You were right with that first note, "I am amazing"...
I had mentioned that a friend of my ex's contacted me to hang out a couple weeks ago.
I come to find out that he goes back on the same plane of one of my dear friends. We all know each other. And she didn't mention me, but my ex found out through him that my friend was in town and texted her asking to get together. My friend said no & that she would be too busy as I asked her to way back if this ever happened.
Today my friend called to see if I could pick her up at the airport when she comes back & said that my ex texted her again after 5 days asking to call her because she was worried about me & wanted to know if I was OK.
She said she knew it was awkward, but can I call you for 2 minutes.
This gets me so angry how she is so sneaky, uncaring and desperate to find out that what she did was "ok"
I asked my friend to not respond.
How freaking lame. "This will take 2 minutes"...
Van, everything you just wrote is true. She's a sneaky, user and abuser trying to satisfy her own ego to "make it right" in her head. At this moment she is seeking answers from where ever she can get them, and she's desperate to do it. NC isn't just helping you get over her, it's messing with her head. She did not expect this. You played the one golden card and you played it brilliantly. The card is silence. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. You are completely indifferent to her. We may see your having a few moments here and there, but she has no idea and it's driving her nuts. You are not only winning this game, you are absolutely killing her and it's just your indiffernce to her that is doing it. Obviously, I don't have to tell you to keep doing what your are doing. You are winning the battle with her and keeping her guessing even if it's unintentional.
Thanks, Chuff.
I am just so angry that she is trying to use my friends.
My closest ones, the ones that have been there and visa versa.
The ones that she never wanted to engage with and even was jealous of. She was jealous of me for having them for god's sake.
This really burns my a$$. I want to smash something.
Amazing what you can learn, when your not blinded by your own feelings.
Anger is appropriate response to her actions, then you'll laugh when you think about how she didn't get her way.Quote:
This really burns my a$$. I want to smash something.
You closed the door and didn't give her a key, and she doesn't like that very much, Hehehe!
And changed the lock I hope.
Yup.
I told my family too to blow her off if she tries them. Even though I think she too chicken chit to do so.
No one left. Especially after she ran into my other close friend at the beach here with no luck.
She's going to have to call Ghostbusters now...
So I pick my friend up today and she mentioned that my ex's friend she saw on the plane told her that my ex was working on her visa to move to L.A.
Just as I thought:
The Psychic to tell her she was a good person.
The "Secret" conference to get the courage and confidence.
The shag in L.A. to get her clutches into someone there.
Then getting rid of me.
Whatever to takes to get what she wants.
Nice plan, huh? Still hurts.
Now you know exactly the type of person she is. Be happy to be rid of this cancer, and now you can find someone you can be with and not have to worry about her intentions. Not some visa screw
I know. Just hearing that brings all of the hurt back though.
Makes me sick to my stomach.
You also didn't mention the last part of this plan. The last part was let you go and walk away with her held high knowing she did the right thing and that you would try to beg her back. That part of this plan isn't working for her. Getting dumped does hurt. It drives a stake to your inner emotional core, there is no one denying that. But her plan did not and is not going like she planned. She may have played all that you described brilliantly without you seeing what was happening. But you played the last card and her plan has completely blown up in her face. She's desperate to make sure she did the right thing after the fact. She's tried everything to get in touch with you that she can and your indifference to her has caused all that you described to completely backfire on her. Everything has blown up in her face.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
You can be hurt and you can come here and express that pain but the beauty of all this is, she has no idea what's going on. To her, you are indifferent to her, to her you have forgotten about her, to her you have moved on. This part of her plan is not what she expected. On top of that, it's something she never planned for and has no idea how to deal with it.
Still sucks sure. Nice plan... um not so much because it blew up in her face and you are winning her emotional game and turning it around on her.
Van do not ignore or belittle your achievements. When you feel down grasp these achievements and claim them as your own. You've earned them to keep and not to let go of or ignore.
I know and every hurdle brings me closer to letting go.
I agree with you, but don't think that she's worried about this plan anymore.
She will always find a way to put on a mask and deny and wonders why she feels anxiety and try yo fix it later.
I know she will do whatever it takes to fulfill her dillusional fantasies of celebrities and fame. Dressing Paris Hilton and screwing surfers, red carpet BS. Star-effer.
Once she's there, she did the right thing.
I was just another way.
It's not the hurdles I'm worried about. It's the hey this great thing is staring me in the face and I'm ignoring it that has me concerned. She's the jumping hurdles well you sit on the sidelines.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I think your wrong. My proof is the last few pages of this thread and everything SHE tried to do to get in contact with you. Her plan sucked, and it blew up in her face and YOU are the one that caused that to happen. You deserve this credit and this victory so take it.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Sure she will. Women lie. It's not what she says verbally that means anything. I could tell you I'm going to jump off the Empire State building but unless I actually take that action you can believe probably quite correctly that I'm not. She can say she doesn't care, she can say she's in control, she can say she just wants to talk for two minutes, she can whatever the hell she wants verbally.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
But her actions speak something else. Her actions speak to someone that is desperate. Her actions speak to someone that needs reassurance. Her actions speak to someone that isn't comfortable with her decision. Her actions speak to someone that has deep emotional doubt. Her actions speak to someone that is second guessing herself. Her actions speak a different language and if she wants to deny anything, she's full of crap.
She does need a mask and she does have to hide behind a mask and deny her anxiety and failures to see this situation and to understand you and who she thought you were. Her mask is not only not your problem, it's your victory. You aren't hiding. You didn't claim to be anything you weren't. You didn't use her. All you did was stand your ground and show her you were stronger then she ever gave you credit for. Your damn right she's denying her ignorance and weakness. She has no choice. You have taken that choice from her and left her with the a void to feel. Let her lie to anybody she wants, her actions speak to all of us that she can't lie to herself that she screwed this up and she knows it.
If her role model is Paris Hilton then... uh wow. My dog is smarter and better looking then Paris Hilton and not as slutty.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
You were a way that gave you an opportunity to love and lose and grow. Would you have grown without her loss? As you grow from this and you watch her deserperate actions who's getting something of value from this experience and who's hightailing it out of town her tail between her legs.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Thanks Chuff,
Just as your first post, you've cut right through. Thank you.
Im worried too about finally realizing what's been staring me in the face & not letting go. I have victory, Ive felt it. Worked hard from the get go.
When she escaped a few days after to see her family, when she knew I was hurt, that's when I went NC. She said that she wasn't going to go to that event for her niece weeks before. She used them for this.
My point is that I know that I am strong and steadfast and still have bouts with closure, just this confirmation today, hurt.
Those words about her actions and mask made me cry, and you're spot on. My actions have always been true.
I appreciate this very much.
Yeah I tend to cut right through.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Because when it comes time to let go you will be out of your comfort zone. So even if you accept the victories in small dose use them to prop yourself up to be ready to jump to the next phase of your life where the most important person is you and use the victories as launching pads. It's still easy to no let go, but at some point when you are ready these victories will help you make the move to let go permanently.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Yes she's a user. You don't have room in your life for users. Score another victory for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
That's cool and there's nothing wrong with it. Just don't give her the false sense of victory that belongs to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
No problem, and best of it was all true. Your actions speak to match your words. Sometimes the obvious is staring us in the face and we are so emotionally blinded we don't see it. It's there for you, I'm just pointing it out.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Let her hightail it out with her tail between her legs.
(Ewww... a tail, that's disgusting)
Sorry I got so close to that. Makes me wretch. She disguised it well between her legs. And more.
I saw that tail sometimes but still continued. Perverse.
Thanks,
Helps big time.
Vanheart, try to keep holding your head up high. I know this new news that you're hearing sucks and you're hurt, but reading all of your posts, just look at the strength you have shown and the progress you have made!! You have shown 10 fold that you are a much stronger person than you were before. Keep working on yourself, and I GUARANTEE you that the next best thing will drop in your lap (figuratively and literally) sooner than you think. GET OUT THERE, SHOW THOSE WOMEN WHO THE NEW VANHEART IS AND BLOW THEIR DRESSES UP! YOU CAN DO IT! Take care bud.
Thanks man,
Appreciate that. Its all about the process.
Its different for everyone. Im on my way, letting go is just around the corner.
Well, only you will know when you're ready. Just repaying the favor of the "swift kick in the rear." I'm pulling for you.
Me too.
Found out from my friend that my ex's text said.
" It would be really helpful to know if hes ok, he wont talk to me"
Then after no response
" Can i call you for 2 minutes"
Im sorry I keep dwelling on this, but all that serves me.
"Helpful", yeah right.
Like you said chuff, her plan was foiled.
This is so awesome. Your indifference to her has her jumping around to your friends who are indifferent to her as well. The game player has been out played. She has no idea what to do and has resorted to begging for 2 minutes from somebody else for nothing more then information about you. Van I hope you read this thread back in a year or so. I don't know if you appreciate this now like you will someday. You are in complete control and she's completely off her rocker.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Im not sure Im as stoked as you guys are either.
I know that NC has cut out hurtful and direct drama, and is helping me grow & heal faster, but..
As far as being happy that she's desperate to get closure for herself, I know that she will find a way to suppress those bouts. And justify things to herself no matter what. Turn it around, or rely on a new boyfriend or whatever to forget any guilt and put on another mask.
I honestly think she feels she did the right thing because she's selfish and nothing will stand in her way.
I not laughing at this yet. Just staying as strong as I can.
Chuff,
Was thinking a lot about your last few posts.
I don't think guilt has anything to do with this.
She's a narcissist through & through.
I think she just wanted one last bit of supply from me. Regardless of what it was & she didn't give a rat's a$$ if it was love, anger or telling her to screw off.
I think she wanted to see me face to face to say "Yup, he isnt my knight in shining amour" "I was right"
And the attempt to go after my friend was the same, just an acknowedgement of any selfish adoration along with some potential tid bits about me.
I honestly think that these people don't feel like most, just try and record and mirror on a superficial level to feel like they, are in a way normal.
Even though I know her traits and all of her recent actions, I still feel rejected and woke up today super depressed after a few bad dreams with her acting flippant and taunting.
I am still kicking myself for not seeing this, even with my progress & kicking myself. Ive said screw this so many times, but can't seem to let pass.
This is what sucks so bad for me now. I want to truly get on w/things.
Van-some days will still be not that great for a while.this person was in your life for five years.just let yourself feel what you feel WHEN you feel it.it will pass! :-)
Thanks, amicon.
That's what Ive been doing. To not ignore any thoughts.
Im letting it happen proactively.
Just have bouts with controlling them.
I can't wait for them to pass & become less frequent.
Hey all,
Its been a couple weeks since me last post and tomorrow marks 3 months of NC.
I, in a way am amazed its been that long. Sometimes its seems like yesterday that this happened and other times feels like its been a long road.
Ive had a few pretty depressing days since, questioning my worth and trying to understand and release the feelings of rejection and "how could she do this" sort of stuff.
My feelings have grown to utter sadness in a way. The loss. The amazement of going from love to nothingness in such a short time. How 5 years can end so abruptly. Hurts, but have been trying to dig deeper with my inner work and understanding.
I am so lucky to have a few very close friends who have been incredible & I have redirected my love towards them. Makes me weep at times in gratitude.
There's still not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and miss the closeness and security of having someone in my life.
Ive been fortunate to land a giant gig that will take me through October. Perfect timing actually.
My focus is to be the most kind and aware person that I can be and avoid drama at all costs, and keep learning.
I thank everyone that has given their unselfish advise here.
That has meant the world to me.
Van.
You have received 435 answers at last count!
That has to be a record :)
I bet at some point I must have said something!
So ,hay keep keeping in touch ,I know we all love updates :)
Then it marks about 3 months of friendship we've had and I have to tell you between you and Tao, I've learned so much from this thread. While, I realize that in no way helps you overcome the loss, I do want you to realize that growth is coming from this experience. I know that when you are on solid ground so to speak you will come out further ahead and it will be worth it to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
I understand all those questions. I've been there asking myself the same questions. But let me tell you something. Yourself worth isn't measured by your ex, your parents, your friends or any other person on this planet. Yourself worth is measured by your inner self, and I know this road sucks, but you are not alone. I've gone down that road. Sadly, more then once. In fact everybody on this board has gone down that road. The road has bumps and turns but it is not a dead end. Eventually the destination is inner peace and happiness.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Her decisions do not have one thing to do with yourself worth. If anything, yourself worth defined her as hers didn't live up to yours and she knew it so she bailed. Then, again because she knew it, she tried to contact you again and again, trying to sooth her own ego because her self worth is so low or non existent. Her self worth is so low she seeks attention from the public at large but ignores it from those around her. Don't you ever compare yourself worth with someone that doesn't have any.
You, know I thank you for posting, and continuing to share your story. It's very motivating and it's great to watch your journey and it will be really fulfilling to see it through to the end.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
Here, here. And thanks Chuff for all of you words.
Every post you've given has been so incredibly helpful.
I appreciate that, us good guys have to stick together.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
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