 |
Remember this: There are TWO reasons to go no contact 1) so you get to heal/gain perspective 2) because if someone does not want all of you they get none of youQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
They broke up with you they don't get to pop in and out and take bits and pieces. Its either or the whole pie or nothing no one is giving away slices. Does that make more sense?
Funny thing id tiodatt what you are thinking is what every normal guy thinks why does she have to miss me to want me??
Why does she has to need me to want me back??
Why can't she just realise she still likes me??
These are normal responses and to many guys they seem to be what we think.
But if yiou look at it when people first meet they don't really know each other and this is what many females are attracted to themystery. Since there is no mystery with you because she knows what she gets, the mystery that will be created which will bring her back will be the mystery of what you are doing which will give her the feeling of wanting to know and then she may contact you because its a lot about feelings now.
I know what you mean by it would be easier if she just realised she wanted me. Its not this simple she is probably in a state of confusion and really doeant know what she is wanting at the moment, but I can tell you from what I've read if you stick around you will only help her get over you, although sticking around and being the nice guy who is there for her may sound right I'm led to believe if she wanted a break and said we can still talk. Say OK but don't be available to her. Be busy even if your not busy don't answer let her think about things. Don't say anything silence is golden. Don't me mean ring her at a later time tell her your on the way out but just want to check she's doing fine.
Take this advice ihave red many posts today and this seems the best method. Any contact youmake even if you think your doing the right thing your not being quiet will show her your busy and even moving on which will show her she has no fallback.
Honestly most girls don't think of you as fallback but they do want and like you to be there just in case things don't go there wqy or they ralise they do want you and you are the one you can enhance the possibility of this by not being available which will get her all worked up and wantinng you more..
TRY THIS
Update of sorts:
Although it was harder than I had hoped it would be, I kept her in my block list and did not talk to her online tonight.
I know she was online, though, as I checked from another account. The funny thing is, I am her only "buddy" on the instant messenger in question, as all her friends use another program.
I don't know why this is so hard on me--I guess I had grown accustom to talking to her again on a regular basis, and closing that off (especially knowing she was there, waiting to talk to me!) was not easy.
I don't really know what to do in the long-term. I am hoping that she will either escalate her contact with me (phone call, meeting up, etc.), or that I will get better by not worrying about our conversations every night after I have them.
In other news, I met a cute girl last Friday, who I called tonight--she sounded excited at my offer to meet up for dinner or drinks!
Talking online gives it that almost anonymous feeling. No pressure. And believe me, even when there is "no reason" there is a reason. Meeting you for a drink she accomplishes many things: are you still interested in any degree? Are you available? Are you curious enough to take the risk? Have you moved on? If you haven't and decide to go, it allows her to scratch that itch. Are you a tool for that? Should you be?
That you say you don't know why you broke up is bad news. Either you're in denial or you weren't paying attention.
She has trust, anger, and commitment issues.Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
I know I came on too strong for her, when I told her that I loved her after dating her for about 5 months.
I don't think she has had much success keeping relationships going after 3-4 months.
Beyond that, I am at a loss. We had great sex 2 days prior to the breakup, she asked for keys to my place 1 day prior to the breakup, and complained about not seeing me enough the same day.
Now, what part of your sane mind is attracted to a person who has trust, anger and commitment issues??
Did she actually tell you she has these issues and this is why she wanted to break up? Are these her tickets/excuses for all her breakups? If so, this is not the person you need to be with.
Please don't spend another minute trying to be with someone who's issues you cannot fix. It is guaranteed to lead to more heartache and a whole lot of wasted time and frustration.
You sound like you can be a really great partner in a relationship. Understand that even if you worked overtime with this girl, it will never be fruitful because it needs to be 50-50. People with these types of character flaws are too selfish to give 100% of themselves. It's not fear, it's selfishness. Stating or admitting that they have these flaws is a defense mechanism and certainly an out.
She sent me a lengthy email about what she described as "anger issues" that she cannot control and should seek help for that "have ended all of her relationships in the same way."Quote:
Originally Posted by momincali
She had an ex cheat on her recently, and had a hard time trusting me, and I am not sure if she ever fully did--me bringing this fact up resulted in the aforementioned email.
I am assuming she has commitment issues, as she also mentioned how she gets to "three or four months" in a relationship, and they all end--with her making the break.
I realize that I cannot change her, but I was willing to work through the trust issues, and I genuinely thought she was making a concerted effort and things were better in that regard. That, and I love her.
Thanks for your input, it is appreciated.
**** I found the email in question, in relevant portion it reads:
Hey. What is going on between us? Or you are probably asking yourself what
Is going on with me? Well to be honest this isn't the first relationship that
This has happened, where I get upset a lot. I don't know where it comes from
And I honestly do not know how to control it. You say its EASY, to just stop
Doing it, but in fact I've tried that time and time again and nothing works.
And when I say I don't know how to change it... its because I really don't.
...
Yes I probably have an anger problem and probably need help from other sources... I probably can't help myself because I've tried that before. I care for you a lot and I don't
Like how I treat you sometimes and don't want you to "walk on ice" around me.
I would like to change for you and for myself. And when I say "you probably
shouldn't be with me" that's because I know how I am and know how every other
Relationship has ended. So I am not trying to make you mad when I say that.
Sorry.
As I read this email above I only see excuses and excuses and no real willingness to change. It says : "you should accept me as I am". Selfish thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
GOOD FOR YOU!! GOOD JOB BUDDY! I'm so proud. I know how hard NC is and this is awesome that you are staying strong :)
You met this cute girl because you checked the "still hanging on to ex" vibe at the door! Do this daily! Of course she's excited at an invitation to go out with you. Be the perfect gentleman, funny, charismatic and you will likely have her eating out of the palm of your hands.
Update of sorts:
In a really weird turn of events (I made a mistake in a doctor's appointment for an injury, my ex is a medical student and was in the area, and I needed someone to check on me, and she needed to see something right next to my apartment), I saw my ex in person for the first time in exactly seven weeks. It was also the first time I had heard her voice in that span.
I think I handled the meeting well. I did not mention anything having to do with us, or our relationship. I cracked a few jokes, talked with her, and smiled. I happened to be looking pretty good at the time.
I really have no idea what she thought of our meeting--she even commented how it was weird to hear my voice, but good to see me as we said goodbye.
Somewhat at my instigation, she also mentioned she still wanted to get together for drinks, but has a hectic schedule the next week or so, so we have no definite plans.
I also have no idea how this will affect me after the excitement of seeing her fades.
Don't call her for drinks or conversation. That's what she wants, you to show interest, and chase her on her terms. If she was serious would she be intiating the contact?
Just do it and see where it takes you, go from there
I agree, and I am not planning on calling her, or initiating any contact with her, for that matter.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I guess I should clarify how I ended up seeing her today. I made a doctor's appointment, and was checking my email shortly before leaving when she messaged me. She said she was going to be near my apartment, and was wondering if I would be home. I said, no, I have an appointment.
When I got to the doctor, it turns out my appointment was not until tomorrow. So I called her and said it looked like I would actually be home, and that she could stop by, and look at my injury for me.
We took a short walk together, talked for about 20-30 minutes, and she was on her way.
She is going to be back home starting Friday for at least 5 days, though, so she'll be somewhat out of sight/mind again.
If she ever asks. Ask why? I wouldn't bother with her. Too much confusion, let her grow up and figure out life her way and without you.
Hello everyone,
It's been exactly two months since my ex girlfriend broke up with me. I maintained strict NC on my end the first ~seven weeks, when my ex started to instant message me everyday at night. We would talk for 30 minutes to an hour. At the end of the week, she also went out of her way to see me in person, which is the first time we had seen each other since the breakup.
It's now been six days since I talked to her last. She is out of town, visiting her family and working 12 hour days, which may certainly account for why I haven't talked to her in the past week.
However, I also broke NC last Friday when I sent her a message on her Facebook account that more or less indicated I was still interested in her (I did not say I love you, I need you, etc.) She responded with something that could be interpreted as either tongue-in-cheek funny, or somewhat cold. There's really no way for me to know.
That said, I have had a strong desire to contact her the past several days. I really do not have anything to say to her, and I honestly feel like, in terms of getting over her, I am by far at the best place I have been since we broke up. I also know that maintaining NC has helped me tremendously, and the main reason I sent her the Facebook message, other than being drunk, was because the week of conversations that I had with her had given me the (false) hope of getting back together.
Why do I have such a strong compulsion to talk to her, and how can I resist it?
Thank you!
LONELINESS!
This is the #1 reason you feel the need to have contact with her. She is giving you the attention and feelings that you have been longing for since the break up. I recently went through this with my ex-husband after we filed for divorce. I had no feelings for him but yet I still kept in contact with him because I didn't want to feel alone. Time will make this feeling fade and two months doesn't even put a dent in it. Have you tried dating someone since the split?
I think you may be spot on about the loneliness factor.Quote:
Originally Posted by margarita_momma
Speaking of dating someone else, I have a date tonight. This will be the first time I've gone out with someone since the breakup, so hopefully it will put a dent in my lonely feelings.
Thank you for your response!
What do you mean by you are tempted to break no contact??
You haven't had no contact to break.. You've been in constant contact with her so what is that you think you are breaking?
We've been over this before. Get on with focusing on your life and not what she is doing.
Hello everyone,
It's now been two months since my girlfriend ended our relationship.
While I thought I was finally beginning to get over her, I've felt as bad or worse than I did since day one of the breakup.
I just feel at a complete loss, and am not sure what to do next.
I avoided contact with her for nearly 7 weeks, until she talked to me every night for a week online. Ultimately, I even saw her in person the other week, at her instigation.
I know this contact with her is likely the cause for my downturn in mood, but it's also reaffirmed my love for her.
I've attempted to stay busy--working out, reading, enjoying time to myself, going out with friends--and I have even went on a date recently. Nothing seems to help--I find myself lonely and sad, and feeling utterly hopeless.
What can I do?
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:18 PM. |