Thank you for your words. I will look into the book this weekend. I hope to see you around the site more often.

It's been an eye opener for me and your advice is solid and confidence boosting.

Please visit often.

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Thank you for your words. I will look into the book this weekend. I hope to see you around the site more often.

It's been an eye opener for me and your advice is solid and confidence boosting.

Please visit often.

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I will surely do so.

Take care,

12th House

In reading these strings of posts from women that want men to marry them, I just have one piece of advice... just be happy with your partner!

Justwant,sometimes the various shades and dimensions of a relationship really don't fail to surprise me.I mean here we are,different people of different genders,cultures,countries and walks of life,with a million relationship problems.If you have love and no marriage,then there's someone with a loveless marriage or an abusive one which he'she can't wait to end.

Anyway,maybe,what you need to do is get some perspective on this issue.As they say,when in doubt,ask.Ask yourself a lot of these questions about what is more important to you,being in a stable,healthy relationships with someone you love or its marriage and nothing else for you,do you see yourself carrying on like this endlessly or do you think you will begin to lose your sanity,how long can you continue hoping and feeling disappointed in love,wouldn't what you feel now,deepen and maybe affect your relationship in the near future... etc etc.You will notice,all the questions I have mentioned as example,are all YOU-centric,about WHAT YOU WANT.Its got nothing to do with what he feels about what you want.Once you really really know what you want,you can have a very amicable,calm conversation with him about that and see if he can give it to you or not.

If the answer is no,then again,you need to ask him what he can give you.Again,once he answers that,you decide if that's OK with you or not.Its like you both are working on this issue between you together,rather than you alone trying to grope and figure what's on his mind.You are great with your advice Justwant and I always read your suggestions,so am sure you must have done these things before.But if you still feel like you are in the dark,then that's really unfair on your partner's part.I think he needs to realise that you have a life to lead and that you would be overjoyed if you led it WITH him,but if situation demands it just could be WITHOUT him as well,since YOUR life definitely has to go on.

UPDATE: I sat here and reread the last post. Honestly, I think I could never get what I want from my current partner. I love what we have but the things that I want are emotionally more significant than what he is capable of. I love affection, I love talking about emotional things, I love playfulness, I love when I am having a bad day having someone who will just hold me, I love kissing, I love holding hands. These are all things that I feel I don't have right now. No relationship is perfect and I know that I am not without error, but I am not even sure I am with a partner that understands that relationships require constant work. I do everything in my power to see to his happiness, but I feel Tal's rule hitting home. He is my priority and I am his option.

Last night he told me that he hadn't changed his mind about wanting me to move out eventually. He found that since I was still active on this site and that I wouldn't remove the online friendship, that I have continued to disrespect him. Yet, there wasn't any consideration to what I want/need that keeps me active on this site. I know that while I had blame in the sequence that started this, his mistrust and almost need to control me broke what little hope I had left.

He is looking for something to be angry at, he is looking for something to hate in me. That isn't love, I don't know how it ever could have been. I owned up to my own mistake in the first place and although I know my intent was innocent, I stepped into his shoes and saw his perspective and realised that what I had done was hurtful to him. Yet what I get in return is a whole lot of what are you going to do for me now, you owe me.

I know that when I walk away, he will look back with regret about this choice. I know that I can't turn around once I cut that cord - so it makes it a very scary line for me to cross after six years. I have been back and forth on this situation for so long, I have hit the dysfunctional relationship level that I warn people about.

Today I am scared of the future.

I am sorry it seems to have come to this.
And of course its scary. If he feels you owe him something it smacks of emotional blackmail. But when we feel our emotional selves are not getting our needs met it s time to walk away-thats what I ve done myself even though its heartbreaking.
You give such good advice here and I'm sure you know all the ropes so to speak but its still so sad.
Cyberhugs.

When we hit that brick wall, its time to make a decision, and have a realistic plan of action ready.

Sorry, but that's never easy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

When we hit that brick wall, its time to make a decision, and have a realistic plan of action ready.

Sorry, but thats never easy.

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Can't I just keep pacing on this side of the brick wall, it's gotten me this far. :eek:

Sorry, but sometimes a plan to climb over the wall, to at least see what's on the other side, is what you need to do. Scared of heights, are you??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sorry, but sometimes a plan to climb over the wall, to at least see whats on the other side, is what you need to do. Scared of heights, are ya???

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Deathly afraid of heights, in fact, I can't ride roller coasters, can't walk the streets of downtown Chicago, can't fly... causes panic attacks.

I think you maybe on to something here.

Justy, I'm going to use your own signature against you.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt myself putting it back together"

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Justy, I'm going to use your own signature against you.

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt myself putting it back together"

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."

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Grrrr... Like I don't know why they are there. LOL. :p

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Grrrr... Like I don't know why they are there. LOL. :p

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I know you know, just pointing out what you know, in case your forgot. :)

Have you had any recent dicussion on the marriage issue?Has his mind changed or is he at least thinking differently on that front?

After all,since that's the core issue and if there's still no change on that aspect,then comes the talk of climbing walls.When you feel ready to take that on.

Justy, I have read so many of your posts knowing that this time would come for you. What I never would have guessed is that I would be following right behind you. Good luck, be strong.

First, I should apologize for my absenteeism. When it was first brought to my attention that this website was a source of angst for my partner because of the previous situation, I did what I thought was appropriate for the relationship and let my time helping on AMHD take a backseat to repairing the relationship.

As many would have guessed, there was more to repair than the obvious complaint and after all attempts that I could muster I have resigned to the fact that I can't keep fighting the inevitable, no matter how much I would like to.

AMHD provides something to myself worth and myself esteem that I appear to be lacking at home and although my title feels inappropriate and giving advice on relationships is the furthest from my current agenda I hope to make my appearances more frequent again soon.

I am struggling right now with my own relationship demons and with the holidays just around the corner, it's a full plate. Thank you to all AMHD for all of the support and care you take in keeping this site the wonderful support system that it is.

You've been missed! And I'm sorry for your tough times.
If I had a magic wand.. .
Take good care of yourself.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Justwantfair

First, I should apologize for my absenteeism. When it was first brought to my attention that this website was a source of angst for my partner because of the previous situation, I did what I thought was appropriate for the relationship and let my time helping on AMHD take a backseat to repairing the relationship.

As many would have guessed, there was more to repair than the obvious complaint and after all attempts that I could muster I have resigned to the fact that I can't keep fighting the inevitable, no matter how much I would like to.

AMHD provides something to my self worth and my self esteem that I appear to be lacking at home and although my title feels inappropriate and giving advice on relationships is the furthest from my current agenda I hope to make my appearances more frequent again soon.

I am struggling right now with my own relationship demons and with the holidays just around the corner, it's a full plate. Thank you to all AMHD for all of the support and care you take in keeping this site the wonderful support system that it is.

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We're here to help you and take some load off your back. You could lay your problems here.

OH Justy I wish it would be better for you.
Have things changed at all? Even a tiny bit?
If you need to get it out you know where to go.

In less that 24 hours the relationship as I have known it will have run it's course. Today was day 1 of the move out and tomorrow I will finish the job. He amazed me by returning home and spending the evening together. The house looks barren with all of the personal items down that made this a home.

I have struggled through the day and know that this next week will be the hardest, while I still believe that he will have a bigger revelation once I am gone, I know that it's still just wishful thinking on my part.

I have been a devoted partner and put forth more than enough effort to reconcile the relationship, while I know the problems aren't mine to face, I feel like an udder disappointment. My head is in the right place but my broken heart waivers.

I know NC is on the horizon and while my family's support is welcome, the idle threats of disownment from the family if contact continues just fuels a fire in me.

I have put my heart and soul into one place and I know unconditional love. Unfortunately I granted that love to someone undeserving and found that if you don't love yourself first, you can't love another more.