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I made the mistake of keeping contact! Downward spiral. Its not worth it. Its up to you at the end of the day. You could have an honest conversation with her and ask why it is you want to get together for drinks? Or go along not expecting anything and just have a nice time.
Why did you break-up?
NC has worked thus far to make her contact you... But if you are doing this right you only return when there is a constructive dialogue. If you always had good communication - then find a place to resume... Or make her wait while you continue to process this (what was wrong before that can be fixed and how) and tell her your busy, but will talk when have time.
I am not really sure why we broke up. She kept saying she was confused, and not sure what, if anything, she wanted right now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
There was no cheating, no major argument, etc.
Everyone has gone through this. Probably, no matter what any one says, you will just have to go through the experience yourself and then most likely end in an exhausted state of disappointment for sticking around and seeing what happens.
I think you should run for the hills and let her miss you. Trust me and trust everyone; you might be led on, but she is only missing you for the moment, and that's why she wants to see you. And once she sees "phewf, he is still there in case..." - she'll just go back to feeling secure and not missing you. You see, there's no point in missing you because you are always just going to be there! Like even if you don't say it to her, you ooze the vibe of "i'm gonna wait forever for you".
You have to "not" see her. I'm not telling you to blow her off. But go out somewhere else instead. Get so busy that you actually have excuses not to see her. This will also always make you feel "good" istead of "low" because you will never be the one contacting her or ever chasing her again.
You might, after all this, think "but what if she gets the impression that I dont like her? or that I don't love her anymore?". Get this stupid thought out of your head, because she knows that you are her dog, and why shouldn't she know? Every time she will call, you will eventually come running. Girls don't like dogs. She's going to go find someone who isn't a dog. Prove to her you have a life. In the process don't be mean to her, but don't be her biatch either.
I hope she knows how much I care about her.Quote:
Originally Posted by _Chris_
And, if she really only misses me in the sense that she wants to see that I am still available, then I clearly would rather not be with her.
I have (finally) been living it up again, but that said, I love her. Surely, there must be a chance that her reason for wanting to see me is NOT because she is "only missing me for the moment."
The longest we went with absolutely no contact was two ~two-week stretches, give or take a few days.Quote:
Originally Posted by MissingHim2Much
Yeah I guess you're right,. but no... you're wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Actually, it's not her only reason. You know why? Because she doesn't have this planned out reason, or she hasn't written down all her reasons or she hasn't sat there like you have and pondered and sulked. So she might be confused a little, that's all.
This is not some big conspiracy against you. She's not going to get together with you because she is thinking "well I am only going to check to see if he is still my dog". No, she's not actually thinking this, if that's what you want to hear. But I'm only telling you what she may not even know. I'm only telling you what almost every person who is posting about relationships has gone through and is trying to warn you against.
You have to live it up. In the process of you living it up, you're going to be set back many times by her because you'll get false hope. What you have to do is to make her feel hopeless; make her know that you are not someone who is "always" just sitting there no matter what. This is not the type of man that a lady will miss dearly and get scared of losing. This is the type that turns into her buddy as she goes and has sex with other guys.
You can get her back if that's what you want, but the only way is by making yourself be the best you can be. That means giving yourself the "best". So you have to get out, do something every day that can make you better and not be a waste of your time, and... you know the rest.
Remember, remember and remember: never be mean or rude to her, just don't give her what she wants. Don't contact her, and don't hang out with her. If she really wants you back, she will make it "clear". Missing someone just ain't enough.
Age generalization alert:
YOUNGER Break-ups
If she is under 25 consider this just a restless colt who you can put into NC and deal with later. She is likely running because she doesn't want to feel married... So, don't (unless you want tha) be a husband right now. She can circle back after she tires of another insecure guy and or fridays with friends...
Older Break-Ups
If she is over 25 she may be wondering if you two are really capable of being lifetime partners and wants to think about it... If that's the case, do you want to be a husband anyway (? ) She will circle back if she feels you cared for her, or she can do no better, and you had your own life and might be able to provide a base/foundation for her as well. Multiple girls nights out are especially grating to her...
These are BIG Generalizations and there will be a lot of exceptions but something to take into account as you find yourself confidence. And try to minimize thoughts of what she's thinking... BECAUSE SOMETIMES girls break up so they don't have to think...
Either way, you both have to LEARN from the break-up to advance when/if you reunite.
Meet her for the drink but do not bring up the topic of your relationship. In fact, no talk about anything serious at all. Keep in fun and light, just as though you're meeting her for the very first time. All the seriousness is probably what turned her off in the first place so you need to avoid all of that.
How old is she?
She is 24 years old.Quote:
Originally Posted by Ash123
Thanks for your general advice about girls 25+/-, as I think some of that certainly applies here.
If your not sure why you broke up then you should not be considering getting back together.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Unless you have learnt what and understand why thing went wrong and you broke up then there is no point even contemplating getting back together.
The same goes for her too.
Chris has given you some really good advice. It goes along with a lot of us have been saying. I think you should really pay attention to it.
She likes to know she still has you. Not necessarily consciously but more subconsciously. She misses you a little, gives you a call and you go running like a puppy dog. She gets sick of the puppy dog hanging around and lets it off its lead again until she is ready to play once more.
Vicious cycle that so many fall into.
You've never been out of touch so this emotional attachment is still strong, but we all know you wnt to return to the way you were, and so does she, but it ain't gonna happen.Quote:
It has been close to seven weeks since we broke up, and we have talked on instant messenger the past four days. On Saturday, she asked me if I wanted to get together for a drink or something in the near future.
She already knows how you feel and what you want, how could she not???Quote:
I am still in love with her, and as far as I know, she should know that I still have feelings for her.
Doesn't matter what her motives are what matters is what you do about it.Quote:
That said, I really have no idea what she is thinking, what spurred the recent communication, and why she wants to get together with me.
IThen you should leave her alone. Instead of assuming what she is up to, ask directly, "why are you wanting to have a drink", and save yourself all the chaos, and head drama.Quote:
am not sure if I can handle a strictly "friendly" get together with her, but I am also not sure how I can fish out her intentions before I meet with her.
Read above.Quote:
Does anyone have any advice on how to best approach this situation, on whether I should ask her to clarify why she wants to get together, and/or how I should act if I do meet with her?
Well, I don't know if I can ever be sure why we broke up, since she broke up with me. I would guess it had to do with her general fear of commitment, and me coming on too strong for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
While I suppose I could expect less from a relationship that I have with her, obviously if we are to stay together I would hope our level of commitment and feelings for each other would grow.
So, if I am at all right, I cannot change her fears, only she can.
Simple send her a message what do you want to meet up for??
You will have your answer on the spot and won't have to keep worrying and won't have to worry.
If you don't get the response you want don't meet up.. That's easy.
Don't be afraid of receiving the wrong answer or you will be back on the leash. Be strong and be prepared for an answer you don't want and then you won't be disapointed.
I don't see why her missing me has to go as deep as a subconscious attempt at seeing if she still "has me." Why can't she just genuinely miss me, or realize she liked things better with me?Quote:
Originally Posted by Skell
How do people who have broken up ever get back together, if this couldn't be the case?
My parents, for instance, have been married for more than 28 years and broke up for nearly 2 months before getting back together while dating.
I obviously want nothing to do with the "vicious cycles," "subconscious decisions," and "puppy dog" interaction that everyone seems to think has to be going on.
Like I've said numerous times, I really have no idea what she is thinking--but why is it that everyone assumes she is on some uncontrollable path of action that involves stringing me along for no good reason?
Because women like to know that you are still there in case they change their mind. The eager ex is an insurance policyQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Generally they don't UNLESS both people work on and resolve the problems that caused the relationship to break up in the first placeQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Because that is what's going on. You are too close to see it, you have ZERO perspective on this situation right now you are too close too and too emotional involved. The rest of us are nonbiased third party who can see it for what it isQuote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Again, because that is what a lot of women do after they break up with someone. What if the dating world is too scary then she can just go back to old reliable. Is that who you want to be? A doormat?Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
You know why you're bringing up the rare case of people getting back together? Because you're in a state where your mind wants to grab onto the slightest hope or romantic story and run with it. This is your mind trying to save itself in a very depressive and natural part of life.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
Anyway, yes I could bring you the rare case too, but we are talking about the "majority" or the "general" when we give you advice. We're going to go with the "probable" when we give you advice. What is probable, according to, I bet, 99 out of 100 of the posts you read, is that you are going to go through horrible heartache in this game called love-and-break-up. What we're telling you can't harm you, but it can only make you stronger.
You shouldn't go to her when she is being the slight bit confusing (as you are very confused right now), and we are also telling you things that can only make you better (by telling you to get out, work on yourself, work-out, finish that etc). This can only add to your value as a man, making you even better than when she left you.
Again, there is no conspiracy against you here. She is not planning anything against you, and no one on this website is either. In fact, I think people are all speaking (on this post) with your best interest in mind. And yeah, writing "vicious cycles" or "subconscious decisions" is going to make all this advice sound a bit crazy. I guess you are just going to have to go through this and see for yourself. I sounded like you when I went through a break-up. You sound familiar to many people that are posting advice for you.Quote:
Originally Posted by tiodaat
I feel for you buddy. This sucks and it's going to be one hell of crappy ride. But it's a ride we all get off. You at least know, even though you are hurting and are confused, that you will get out of it. We're just trying to speed that process up rather than have you go through the long and dragged on "getting-over-my-ex" ordeal.
I've put her in my "block list" on instant messenger.
I am still having a hard time believing that, consciously or not, she would string me along for any purpose. She has been nothing short of honest with me the entire time that I have known her, and, if anything, she is not even interested in dating right now, let alone having an insurance policy in me.
I'll see if she makes any further attempts to contact me (off-line).
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