Ask Me Help Desk - Should I have a child to keep my boyfriend?

Should I have a child to keep my boyfriend?

Yesterday my boyfriend told me that he would like to have a baby with me. I really like the idea of this but I am not sure if I do actually want a baby? In honesty I think I will regret it if I don't, but I don't feel ready yet. I am 35 years old and running out of time.

The problem is that my boyfriend said to me that if I don't want a baby he will go and find somebody else that does. He wants it that badly.This comment hurt me very much. But he did say if we tried and I couldn't get pregnant he would stay with me. He says he wants some stability and this would give him a positive thing to do with his life.

My boyfriend has mental health problems. He is unable to work due to them. He said he will help out with bringing up our child around 3 days a week, but he still needs to be able to go out and do his thing. So I would be doing most of the raising of our child. I don't want to loose him, he makes me happy, and if I have a baby I will put 100% into it, but I'm scared I'm just going to be a secure place and a mother figure to him. He would help out with DIY, finances, some raising of our child etc. Am I just being a feminist or do you think this is fair ? I am the only one who works so I would need to give up my job. I own my own flat, so this would give him a part time place to stay with me and our baby 3 days a week.

Personally, I'd tell him don't let the door slam you in the butt. I guess at your age he feels time isn't on your sides

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Personally, I'd tell him dont let the door slam you in the butt. I guess at your age he feels time isnt on your sides

Yes he does think that. And he is right, 35 is bordering it a bit. What do u mean 'tell him don't let the door slam u in the butt' ? Sorry I didn't understand

It means 'if that's the way you want it, goodbye'.You have to decide though and try to comply with him or tell him no and take your chance about his leaving.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

It means 'if thats the way you want it, goodbye'.You have to decide though and try to comply with him or tell him no and take your chance about his leaving.

Thanks, I get what you mean now. I don't know what to do. I'm 35, this may be my only chance. But I just hope if I do this he will be there and not just want me for security

How does he treat you? How Long have you been together? It sounds shaky to me because he sounds like he could be all talk on helping out with raising the baby. You don't even live together.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

How does he treat you? How Long have you been together? It sounds shaky to me because he sounds like he could be all talk on helping out with raising the baby. You dont even live together.

No we don't live together, because of his mental health he can't handle routine, so that's why he can't be there 7 days a week. That suits me fine at the moment, but if I was bringing up his child I would need to rely on him. Which would not always happen. He is also emotionally immature, and I think this would be the biggest problem because it would be like having two children at times. But he has good qualities. He loves me and always wants me around. He thinks the world of me, but his bipolar does get in the way a lot, which is not his fault. But hard work non the less

If he can't live with you and therefore you would have to quit your job, who is going to foot the living expenses for mother and child? Who supports him? Who does he live with?

Also.. and this is certainly no deal-breaker, just something you probably already know - bipolar runs in families. You might need more help and emotional support when the child gets older.

Babies are the ultimate in routine. And I echo Joy -- how are you going to support yourself once you quit your job? And yes, you are going to end up raising two children, maybe both bipolar (and unmedicated?). How does he plan to "help out" three days a week?

Bipolar illness runs on my father's side of the family. I vote no.

I see at least 7 red flags here. Having a baby is the least of your worries right now. You need to kick this jerk to the curb.

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

No we don't live together, because of his mental health he can't handle routine, so that's why he can't be there 7 days a week. That suits me fine at the moment, but if I was bringing up his child I would need to rely on him. Which would not always happen. He is also emotionally immature, and I think this would be the biggest problem because it would be like having two children at times. But he has good qualities. He loves me and always wants me around. He thinks the world of me, but his bipolar does get in the way a lot, which is not his fault. But hard work non the less

I think you answered your own question. 2 children, exactly! My ex was bi polar. I had 4 kids, er I mean 5! There is no set routine with when kids need you and when they don't. He can't be enough help so the verdict - 'no baby, there's the door if you wish'

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Posted by J_9
I see at least 7 red flags here. Having a baby is the least of your worries right now. You need to kick this jerk to the curb.

How does he treat you Now, does he look after you?

He is on disability benefits. He would have to give me some of his benefits to go towards food, nappies etc. He said he would do some DIY around the house to help me out, because the house needs some stuff fixing. This would help because I'm no good at DIY. He would not be able to handle being there all of the time. So he would be a part time dad.

I would have to give up my job because I would be the full time carer. I don't no how I would be able to support myself and the baby.

You need to point all these problems out to him and stress him to picture the reality of it ALL

It is absolutely wrong wrong wrong!!

To bring a baby into this world with a man who is not your husband, doesn't have a job, has no wish to be even in a common law relationship with you, who dictates what he will/won't do (particularly his wanting to do his own thing as he told you), is NOT worthy of consideration at all.

To top it off, he is mentally ill, on disability, with a future that does not bode well from what you have said.

This is not you being a feminist, it's you losing a grip on reality. Feminism gave you reproductive freedom, and choices for your OWN life, not dictated by some man who is demanding a baby, which in itself is absolutely ridiculous under these circumstances.

If you want to bring a baby into this world, feminism also gave you the legal right to do it on your own, under your own steam, with other methods such as in vitro, so that you don't lose your entire life being under the control of any man. Keep your job, plan your future, get money in the bank, line everything up- on your own.

That you are even considering this is truly alarming. With all the options available to you, you pick this man, and consider doing what he wants you to do.

Think long-term- you are old enough, and probably have some friends who are parents. If you think relationships are hard, having a baby with a man with so many problems and demands, and in total control of what he chooses to do/not do, will leave you with no support when you need it, unreliable help with the major expenses you will face, and the biggest of all- you'll be unemployed and likely seeking welfare to make ends meet because you are even willing to quit your job!!

I've said enough.

I see the writing on the wall here and it says you are in for a rough ride if you have a baby with an unemployed, mentally ill person like him. I would run very quickly the other way. Are his mental problems genetic, food for thought as well?

You should have left him the moment he said these things. He can not be a father, and he likes the idea to be one, when he wants to. And no, he can not "go do his own thing" all the time and be a father.

It is time to set him straight of the obligation, in both time and money

Thanks, its good to get some perspective. I know whathe said is all on his terms, but I have no one to talk to about this so I needed to hear what you all thought. Love is blind, and I have been digesting what he said on Sunday.

Alarm bells are ringing because you are all saying the same. He is already a dad to one child, but he missed out on the child's upbringing because he was in prison, so he wants to try again and be involved this time. I have never had a child, so I have not got a clue what I'm letting myselfin for if I go ahead with this idea.

Having a child is wonderful under all the right circumstances but you don't have that option. Your age has nothing to do with this. Many women are taking their late thirties as the opportunity for a baby. However, this person is dictating to you and now you say he has a child and he has been in prison.

My dear, this is not good father material. Add up all negative factors. You don't have ant positive ones!

Now you throw in that he was in prison. What a good role model for your child. NOT!

This man-child has some serious control issues along with being a mentally ill convict. Do you see anything wrong with that?

Having a child with him means you will never have any stability. You won't have physical, emotional, or financial assistance. You will be raising this child completely and totally on your own. Is that how a child should be raised? With one parent? In poverty?

He was in prison, but it was a long time ago, and the fact that he has mental health issues should not be judged. He is actually a very caring person who is a good dad to his other child. He looks after his mum, so you should not judge people on mistakes that they have spent a long time trying to be better. You should have more understanding for menatl health, I have worked for mental health soi know allabout peoples hidden disabilities.

My father was bipolar, and I have a BIL who is mentally challenged. I'm not being judgmental. Just pointing out facts as to how hard it is going to be for you.

People with bipolar disorder are very unreliable when they are unmedicated. This is common with the disorder as they don't like to take medication because of the way it makes them feel. Or they stop taking there medication once it starts working because they feel they no longer need it.

I understand you love him, but you have to think of the child that you would be bringing up. Mental illness is familial. It is possible that your child could get this disorder.

A child needs stability and structure in life. If you have to quit your job to care for the child, it will have neither structure or stability.

You can't be selfish and think of your wants, or his wants, you need to be practical and think of the child's NEEDS.

The child would be my number 1 priority. I believe that it is better for the mother not to work if the child is young, so that she can spend all her time putting it into the child's needs. I would love it if he could work and support us, but the fact is he cant.

I work full time and I earn 250 per week before tax. He is on benifts and earns 250 per week and it doesn't even get taxed, so my wages are not even that great, and he is better off finacially to support me than I would be... how ironic is that!

I think your 250 a week and my 250 a week are different. I couldn't survive alone on 250 USD.

250 pounds = 383 USD. That is not nearly enough to raise a child. Children have so many needs and grow so fast. Food, clothing and toys are very expensive.

Right now you earn 250 a week. How will you afford any of that if you have to quit your job?

Do you have a friend using your computer named gemmagee?

So if I'm working half 8 till 5 each day, like I do, then even then I can't afford to raise a child, that's crazy. Because after tax its £224 a week. But its unfair that people who are in poverty can't have children because they can't afford them. That's what it boils down to really!

I do not no anything about raising a child, the costs, the benefits people are entitled too, but I have some friends who are single mums who have never worked and they say its OK. It sounds like I would be better off, what a sad society that would be, because I really like working and want to progress and be able to work...

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Originally Posted by J_9

Do you have a friend using your computer named gemmagee?

Yes I do

I've raised 4 children. I know the costs. At 224 a week, you can barely support yourself let alone a child. How will you pay for formula, not every woman can breast feed? Diapers? Clothes? Baby food? Toys?

Is it fair to expect a child to live in poverty only because your boyfriend wants a child?

You can't be selfish, he can't be selfish. You need to think of the child.

Are you and gemmagee the same person?

I would breast feed if I can for at least a year. If I can't then I would have to get him to buy the formula. But I am wanting to breast feed because it is the best. I would use cloth nappies and hand wash them every day, that would not bother me in the slightest. For clothes have you looked on freecycle? People give away clothes and shoes , buggies toys etc for nothing. My mum also has many many toys for me to have.

I would never be selfish. This is why I am asking advice so I can make an informed choice

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Are you and gemmagee the same person?

No, she is my friend, she lives on a boat and has no access to a computer

I live in the US, you live in the UK. We have different programs here that you have there.

Not all women can breastfeed. Yes, it is the best, but not possible for all women.

Making what little money you make, you should not have a child at this point in time. Coupled with the fact that you have a boyfriend who will not be a reliable father as he needs to

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needs to be able to go out n do his thing

. Having a child means that you stop going out and doing your thing. A parent, mother or father, needs to be committed to that child 24/7/365. He is not willing and/or able to do that. He wants to "do his thing." Whatever that is. So, he will be leaving you to pick up his pieces. Is that fair to the child?

Sure, freecycle is a good thing... when they are babies. But what about when it comes to school and they have to go to school in hand-me-downs. Yes, the child will be bullied and made fun of.

You are thinking with your heart and not your head.

Thank you for the advice. It is a massive commitment and I have now heard many peoples views on the matter. Its not fair on the child to only have a part time father.

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

I would use cloth nappies and hand wash them every day, that would not bother me in the slightest.

Do you have any idea of how many nappies a baby goes through every day -- and you plan to HAND WASH them? I insisted that my husband buy a washing machine and dryer after our first baby was born. I had to first soak the diapers in a special solution, then wash them at least twice, and then rinse them at least twice in order to get rid of the ammonia, or the baby ended up with a horrible diaper rash. And without the dryer, it would have been nearly impossible to have clean, ready-to-use diapers on hand.

My mum hand washed towels with 4 children.its hard work, but its better for the environment and cheaper, it may take a lot longer but if its good for my mum then its good for me

Oh, heavens no! A child needs a full time mother AND father. A child needs stability and this relationship does not offer stability or structure. Having a child right now, with this man, would be setting your child up for a life of sadness, depression, desolation, and poverty.

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

my mum hand washed towels with 4 children.its hard work, but its better for the environment and cheaper, it may take a lot longer but if its good for my mum then its good for me

And you will be slaving away washing nappies and clothes and towels and bed linens when your baby needs time with you. And if you don't hand wash everything now you are going to hate doing it and will resent the time away from the baby.

OK thanks, its good to get a reality check on this.As I say I'm not a parent so this is why I'm asking for advice

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

my mum hand washed towels with 4 children.its hard work, but its better for the environment and cheaper, it may take a lot longer but if its good for my mum then its good for me

And my ancestors probably cooked their meat over an open fire and picked wild berries and dug up wild carrots, but that doesn't mean I have to do that in 2013. There are ways to save the environment even when using a washer and dryer.

I would actually prefer a life of cooking meat over an open fire, I'm a hippie

Reality checks can be tough. I understand.

I would also like to revisit that the BF said that you were to have a baby with him or he would find someone else who will.

Do you see that as respecting you as a partner? I don't. I see that as controlling behavior that may come from an upswing in the bipolar disorder. Maybe he was off his meds when he said that? Is that the kind of controlling environment you want to raise a child?

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Originally Posted by J_9

Maybe he was off his meds when he said that?

Is he even taking meds or compliant when taking them?

Yes I did feel manipulated when he said that. It was disrespectful and it hurt me. He doesn't take his meds.

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Originally Posted by laurabarton30

He doesnt take his meds.

Why not?