I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be OK with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?

The best way to stop humiliating yourself is to realize the you life with this guy is a train wreck and you need to walk away while you still can and heal you wounds and find someone in your life that you can be happy with and will tread you with respect and not just another piece of .

Uhh leave. Its not hard, turn around, walk away. Simple.

Ooooo000oooo00... I think someone's caught feelings for tha brute.

Lillian -- It sound to me like your in need of a complete make over -[I hate those shows]-new job,new city , and most important a love of just your own.It would be a hard first step --but just ponder on the rewards. --Savage

He really sounds like a boar!
You deserve so much better. Not only do you deserve to have someone who will treat you with respect, you deserve to have a man who will be committed to you, not just to having sex with you.
You said that, after two and half years of being with this man, he forgot your birthday. That's absolutely inexcusable, especially since you remember his birthday, and his sister's. I understand that he is concerned about the wellbeing of his son, no to mention that, were he to divorce his wife, he would be screwed over by alimony and child support. Nonetheless, you should leave him. It doesn't sound like he's benefitting you in any way.
You don't need to move to a new city, or even find a new job. You just need to leave this man, and begin living your life for yourself, without having to deal with the drama and stress he brings into your life.
You're right, you are humiliating yourself... by remaining the mistress of this good for nothing. So, pack your bags, or change the lock on your door, and declare yourself a free woman. After all, as Nina Simone so eloquently put it:

"The other woman finds time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And shes never seen with pin curls in her hair

The other woman enchantes her clothes with french perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
There are never toys thats scattered everywhere

And when her baby comes to call
Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen
Cos when shes by his side
Its such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
The other woman will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other woman
Will spend her life alone"

-m

It's not that he forgot my birthday. He remembered it; he came over and we had sex. He just didn't get me anything, not even a card. But he asked me to buy him a soda and bring it to him and he accepted the card. I guess I am just not worth buying a present for. He used to bring me some little trinket home from the beach; this year he didn't, even though he sure took the t-shirt I bought him when I came back from the beach. He won't ever say I love you. Not even a "love ya" as we hang up the phone. I have told him I like flowers and would be thrilled with even a dandelion he yanked up off the side of the road. I am sure he is now determined to never bring me flowers. He sure never has. A matter of principle, I am sure.
I am just going to start being busy on days he has penciled me in for sex (Sunday afternoons) and act like I got tied up with something. As much as it hurts, I am sure he will pretty quickly get somebody else lined up for extra sex on the side.

He is probably having sex with more then just you and his partner. Sack this piece of sh&#. Why are you even still having sex with this person. You asked for advice before and obvious you did not listen to it. Will you listen to it this time and stop having sex and stop seeing this poor of an excuse of a man. You need to take responsibility in this mess as well. Do you want to die an early age, do you want to continue humilating yourself then continue seeing this person.

The only way to stop the mess is by leaving it far behind.
No more contact. NONE.

Joe

I just shudder to think how he must be behaving at home if his wife does not suspect after 2 1/2 YEARS. That is probably part of the thrill, knowing that 2 women are so stupid and that they both WANT so desperately to believe he loves them. I do wish I could move away.

Jesushelper76 basically made a point I was thinking. Only Sunday afternoons? I bet he has something going on Saturdays as well, and it isn't with his wife or kid.

The big question is: do you feel like you love him?

You didn't mention it anywhere in your posts, but not being able to walk away...

You know he isn't good for you and have even stated why - you've also broken up a few times and yet are still coming here for advice.

Darling, I say you get a few good friends of yours together and make Sunday afternoons a time to be with your friends who are worth your time rather than being with him. They will also be able to help keep you strong.

Yes, I love him and I have always thought our time together was special. He is a very tender, alsmost shy lover, which absolutely melted my heart. And there is something about his build and his voice and his way of looking at things. But all of those things I love, I am pretty sure someone else loves too, and she wears his ring and has borne 2 of his children. And I am just tired of wondering WHY all the time. I know he likes certain things: the smell of oranges, the beach, ball caps. And because I love him I have tried to wear fragrances with the smell of oranges; I have bought ball caps--one especially that he asked for when I went on vacation to the beach. Yet, he has never brought me flowers. He got me nothing for my birthday. He chokes on I love you and only said it when I told him we weren't making love anymore w/o it (after 2 years). He has never just up and said it. And in the back of my head I wonder why his wife doesn't suspect after so long; I wonder if it is because he convinces her of things like he convinces me--with lies and half truths and by acting offended if she questions him. The bottom line is IF he loved me, I would feel it instead of feeling like I am just trying to convince myself that he does, wouldn't I?
After he made the comment about Pamela Anderson's b**b, he started laughing and swore it was a joke. He called me 4 or 5 times (I wasn't answering) and paged me. But what he said was: You best not be mad at me on my birthday. And he swore he wouldn't have been offended if I had something similar. But I NEVER would have said anything like that because for me he is IT and it hurts to know that I am just--- extra cheese.

Ah girl -- there are lots of guys out here for you to feel the same about with no strings attached -- and They are looking for YOU. But as long as you kept yourself trapped in a deadend relationship you will never see us will you?-- Savage

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lilliandiana

I have been in an affair for 2 1/2 years. I am single; he is married. We work at the same place and were friends for years before the affair. He says there is nothing at home but routine but he will not leave his son who is 15. I think that is a lie. He simply feels that I should be ok with him having a whole other life with another woman because I knew he was married when we started. I don't know what he has at home, but I know he feels he is simply entitled to have good sex with me and for me to love him and come in second. He got me nothing for my birthday, but when his birthday rolled around, I got him a card and bought him a soda. He was complaining about how his parents didn't care it was his birthday but never fail to remember his sister's birthday. (He is 45) I really wanted to make him feel better, so I asked what he would want if he could have anything in the world. He told me he wanted Pamela Anderson's left b-----. We have broken up a dozen times, but always end up back together. How do I get free and stop humiliating myself with a man who loves no one so much as himself?

---

Just call it quits, and mean it. There is no easy way if you share feelings. But don't see him, don't talk to him and just generally try to avoid him in all things. If you want it to end this is what you must do. Find someone who is not spoken for and the transition period will be less painful and pass more quick.

OK misss...

I am so sorry for what I am about to say, but I'm going to be brutally honest with you.

You're missing the point. "love".<----this thing right here is what's making you stay with him. The reason you can't see a life without him is because you are BLINDED.

You can't see right now. You can't think straight, and your judgement is off key.

If you were thinking logically, you'd realize that you're in a relationship with a man who's cheating on his wife with you and cheating on you with his wife. And is probably cheating on both of you with someone else.

You will not leave this person. Why? "love"<----because of this thing right here.

In order for you to really grasp this concept is for something to happen. To make you realize what you are doing. Which probably won't happen now, why? Because of this thing right here:

-->"love"<--

Our advice you will take with you and you will know and understand what you are doing.
But, will you use it to correct and rectify your mistake?

NO. you know why? There it is again -->"love"

You will continue to make the same mistake unless something is done about that emotion.

It controls every aspect of you. It prevents you from making rational decisions.

Here, let me elaborate from a personal experience:
I fell in "love" with a girl and we had a relationship for four years, in the beginning I knew she was cheating on me, I just knew it, it never showed itself to me, it never reared its ugly head, but I knew, blinded by my "love" for her I continued the relationship. Years into the relationship another problem happened, another sign she was cheating on me. Once again I knew, but never did anything about it... still blinded... well, it finally reared its ugly head. She broke out in tears and told me she was cheating on me the whole time I was with her. She told me she was weak and wanted me to move on, still... blinded... I wanted to give her another chance. I told her we could make it work. But she told me it would only get worse and stongly advised me to move on...

I didn't listen... still... blinded... the next day I tried to pretend everything was all cool.
Yea I got my girl back its all good. We talked, blah blah blah... then I asked her to go to the movies with me. She said no, she never says no. well any ways she calls me back to tell me she will take me but she won't go with me, so I ask my friend to go with me. So its us three in the car and I wanted to throw up, my friend and I noticed it at the same time and we looked at each other. He wanted to say something but I told him not to, its my burden, I told him not to worry about it.

THE WHOLE CAR SMELLED LIKE SEX. I snapped...

The thoughts that were racing through my head... I literally wanted to strangle this girl to death, but I came back to reality, just for that moment.

I told her it was over.

This thing right here ------>"love"<------

Until something happens to purge it from you and break your connection with him, you are not going to be in the right state of mind.

Nothing comes in the way of true love... nothing. If this man loved you he would let nothing else stand in the way of being with you. That is what true love is. And the son excuse... he would be able to make that work too. You obviously love him, and that's why it is so easy for him to give you hope, and to blind you with excuses.
End it.

Part of the problem is that I live in a little hick place where my whole life comprises going to work, coming home, teaching my class, working on little projects at the house, visiting my kids and going to work again. I have papered the state with resumes trying to get away, but I am overqualified or underqualified or maybe I just don't exist at all.
THERE IS NOBODY LOOKING FOR ME--SINGLE OR OTHERISE. I am attractive and I am smart; I love deeply and I give and care and I am talented. But nobody cares. For my kids, I am over the hill and a drag. I have one single friend (a guy--no attraction, just friendship)---everyone else is married.
I don't mind not being married, but as I told my lover (can you have a lover w/o love?): I want a boyfriend;someone to take me to dinner and the movies and away for the weekend. Did he say: "Gee, that can't be me"? No, he said he would try. HOW?? I asked him today, "does your wife love you? Are you helping yourself to the love of 2 women?' He said he guessed she did. In other words, yes, she does, but he is still entitled to both of us.
But he isn't----- because it is too painful for the one who doesn't have the ring and the kids.
But instead of cutting my losses I obsess about WHY can't he love me? I want him to. And I feel there is something just off about me because he doesn't.
I am such a mess.:(

So you know he is an absolutely terrible person, but you can't let go. You are not going to find an answer to your question here. No one can tell you how to end this affair, or how to stop loving him, or how to make him realize. Because the only answer anyone can give you is stop, and end it, but you won't do that until you convince yourself that it is for the best, and that despite the fact that you are going to be lonely, it's the only right choice you have. It is so easy for others to say leave him, because it sounds so easy. I know its not. I would try to deal with this one by yourself.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lilliandiana

Part of the problem is that I live in a little hick place where my whole life is comprised of going to work, coming home, teaching my class, working on little projects at the house, visiting my kids and going to work again. I have papered the state with resumes trying to get away, but I am overqualified or underqualified or maybe I just don't exist at all..:(

---

You have to concentrate on what's importat right now. All of these things that you are doing is good, just keep it up.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lilliandiana

THERE IS NOBODY LOOKING FOR ME--SINGLE OR OTHERISE. I am attractive and I am smart; I love deeply and I give and care and I am talented. But nobody cares. For my kids, I am over the hill and a drag. I have one single friend (a guy--no attraction, just friendship)---everyone else is married...:(

---

Don't beat yourself up, trust me there's no point in doing that, tried it didn't work. There is always someone looking, you just haven't found the right person yet. You need to reflect on yourself a little more. Don't worry about him. Worry about you and your kids, as he is doing the same. Only thing is he's using you to get what he's not getting from his wife, whatever it may be. Once again you have to take a step back and see it from the larger perspective.
Which right now you won't, as you are in love, but take with you the advice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lilliandiana

I don't mind not being married, but as I told my lover (can you have a lover w/o love?): I want a boyfriend;someone to take me to dinner and the movies and away for the weekend....:(

---

You will not have this kind of privlege. As he has his own priorities and his own agenda with HIS family. You need to search else where if you want the kind of boyfriend you're searching for, because its not here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lilliandiana

Did he say: "Gee, that can't be me"? No, he said he would try. HOW?????? I asked him today, "does your wife love you? Are you helping yourself to the love of 2 women?' He said he guessed she did. In other words, yes, she does, but he is still entitled to both of us.
But he isn't----- because it is too painful for the one who doesn't have the ring and the kids.
But instead of cutting my losses I obsess about WHY can't he love me? I want him to. And I feel there is something just off about me because he doesn't.
I am such a mess.:(

---

You believe him because you are in love.

You obsess because you are BLINDED.

And you feel pain because you know what you are doing, but have no contol of your actions.

You will continue to hurt yourself, until something clicks in your head.

Until then, god speed.

After reading all these posts and your last one I really think your in denial. Look he's never leaving his wife. Not now, not when his son is 18, not when his son is 21, not ever. Your just his side toy. But you keep hoping and justifying. There is no hope and there is no justification. Small town or not, whether he works with you or not the reality is you have to pull out of this or he's just going to continue using you and gaining nothing but confidence that you keep falling for his lines and charm, while you keep losing self respect, self dignity, and that part of yourself that tells you this is wrong. Eventually that part will just give up and you'll always be the side toy. So you can either find the strength to quit now or wonder in 10 years why he stays with his wife but continues to say that he loves you.

Let me guess...

His wife doesn't understand him, there's no love anymore and he doesn't care but he stays for the child...

Come one... do yourself a favour...

Think of this: a man who is married and has a child cheat on his wife with you.
Now, picture this... suppose that he will leave his wife for you and build a new life with you... how do you know he can be trusted... after all: he cheats on his wife now...

Is that what you want for yourself ?
Don't you deserve a little better ?

Good luck.

Well, thank you to everyone who has tried to help me. I do appreciate it very much.

Ahh the victim is back -- [teasing ] -- really as you know we can not "help" you. All we can do is help you see.

Kindly come back someday and let us know how your doing -- Savage [And heck it wouldn't hurt and might help you to stick around and help others.]

I am joining the vowels movement.

I think everyone here is being very blunt with you and maybe they're right. I was in a similar position not to long ago, only I'm a younger guy and she was the older married women, the only difference in my situation was that she used me for sex but also led me on by telling me that we were going to be together and get married... she just kept needing "more time" but when the time came to make a choice she stabbed me in the back and riped my heart out. (yes this happens to guys too) I know, I'm a big wuss :)

In your case you have a huge advantage over the situation, you know exactly how he feels and you know how he expects you to feel. I really can't stand the "you knew he was married so you should be fine" What a load of BS, I know when he tells you that it makes you mad and I feel for you. Love doesn't know any boundaries, it's not controlled by someone's status, you can only control your actions, not your feelings.

I wish I could tell you that he will come around and you were meant to be together and it's all going to work out, but I think you already know that it just doesn't work that way. I know how hard it is, I know how lonely the nights can be and I know trying to sort everything out in your head just confuses the situation even more. Maybe I'm totally off the mark and you're much more stronger then I am... not very hard ;) But I'm moving on and little by little the thoughts of the past go away and are replaced with hopes for the future. I believe there are good things waiting ahead for you, go get them!

You need to break up with this man. You've wasted 2 1/2 years of your life in a dead-end situation. Cut your losses now and move on. It will be very hard. It's going to hurt and you're going to want to call him and get back together (as has happened a dozen times before). You'll have to stay strong and tell yourself that he's already wasted 2 1/2 years of your life, you won't let him waste another minute.

I had an affair with a married coworker for 19 months a long time ago. I too never received Christmas/birthday gifts from him. Affairs are wrong morally and ethically and that's why you're suffering. You can't do something bad and expect to feel good. Like attracts like. You're attracting poor behavior because you're conducting yourself in a poor manner.

I unglued myself from that affair because I gathered together the strength and did it. I knew that if he loved me as he said he did, he'd get a divorce and propose to me. Never happened. Not even close. He realized that my door was now closed to him, and he was gone in a heartbeat. I changed my number, returned his love letters and artwork, dealt with the pain.

But here's the kicker... I find myself in a similar situation again (this time it's an emotional affair vs. a physical one). If you've got low self-esteem and low self-confidence, you're going to keep treating yourself like garbage. The universe will keep throwing the same lessons your way until you get it together. If the foundation is a crumbled, rotting mess, the building will soon collapse. You've got to fix your foundation (your moral fiber). Please understand that I'm not judging you, but I've been through this exact situation. And I'm dealing with various problems right now and am in the process of resolving them.

So, although you may dump him and move on, there are serious underlying issues as to why you're doing this to yourself. For some reason, you don't feel like you're good enough. You have an inner voice telling you that you don't deserve anything better than a man who ignores you on your birthday. Why is this so?

I may very well have low self-esteem. I sure do feel I am not good enough--and I know what happened in my childhood that triggers those feelings. But I didn't get into this relationship with M WANTING to get kicked around. At the time I was divorced and I had 2 kids at home, who stayed with their Dad every other weekend, and it killed me when they were gone. M and I were friends, and our younger kids were the same age. We used to talk and talk about how hard it was letting go of them (they were both 6 when we started working here). Over the years we told each other our whole life story. I knew about his grandmother, his folks, his sister and her kids, his kids as they grew up---but never his wife. I don't even know her name. She was never mentioned as anything but "they": They went shopping; they went to church. I wasn't curious. He had his world and I had mine with the boys. He said he tried to leave his marriage once--she got pregnant with his son and he stayed. He loves that boy with the same intensity I love my youngest son. He told me he didn't even love his daughters as much as he loved that boy. I suspect that he wrapped up in the boy to withstand the fallout from his attempt to leave the marriage. And heck, I am divorced. I KNOW what a horror a divorce can be under the best of circumstances. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
It's just that in the 2 years and 8months, I have lost my heart completely to this guy. I went from a distraction on the weekends with a sexy, handsome friend, to wanting to be with this guy all the time. And he is not a mean, cruel man. He remembered my birthday; he just didn't buy me a present. He says he is just not used to saying I love you; he doesn't say it much. He says that while he supposes his wife loves him; he does not love her. He said, "I love my kids" and yesterday for the first time EVER he said, "And I love you."
It's just so hard. I know what the whole thing looks like and I am scared to death he is playing me, but I can't seem to make myself believe that 100%. If he was, wouldn't he have lied all along about her, the marriage and loving me? He has never said I love you without being asked before in all this time. I want to believe him.
It's so odd--this type of thing in one's life-- because one day everything seems painted thundercloud grey; the next day daffodil yellow. One day, I think I can handle the situation; the next I am an idiot.

This guy is such an a**!! He sounds extremely selfish, and really immature to be honest. He is not good for your or his wife.

How do you post a picture? Is it under signature?

Go to profile and edit picture, then browse to pick the one you want ;)

Got it! Thanks

Lilliandiana, I can feel that you're at that threshold of pain. You're ready to make a change. I picture you as the baby bird ready to jump out of the nest. But you're scared. Two and a half years of comfort, companionship, and regular sex are about to go bye-bye.

I know you and the married guy have shared a lot: memories, laughs, moments. But it's all meaningless. Whispers in the wind. Here one moment and then gone. There's nothing solid with him. You're hidden behind closed doors. If you tried to infringe upon his life with his wife, you'd find out very quickly who he values more. You already know it in your heart. It's painful. It hurts to know that the person you love cannot or will not love you back the way you ache to be loved. He kind of likes you on some level, yes, but this is not love. He's a ghost. The relationship is nothing. His wife is #1. She always will be. I guarantee it. He may complain about this or that, but he married her, he had kids with her, he's built a life with her, everyone knows he's with her. He wants her by his side always. All his actions show it.

You need to start seeing this man for exactly who he is. Please try to get out of the lovestruck fog you're in and see the truth. He's a liar. He's a cheater. He has no respect for women. He has no respect for marriage. He doesn't know how to raise children (being a good father means treating the kids' mother well). He's hurting his wife and he's hurting you. And he doesn't care. As long as you don't give him any trouble, he'll keep you around. That could go on for years and years. Your entire life could easily slip away with this joker.

Loneliness pushed you into his grasp; let honor and integrity let you out. Do what is right. You have children. You're a role model. Set a good example. Show your children how a good woman lives her life.

Oh my gosh, sweetie, your story is my story. My eyes were as big as a soccer ball, I'm sure, when I read your story. I'm from Indiana and having an affair with my boss for 2 years. Buys me nothing, takes me no where and I am in love with the man. I beat myself up everyday wondering how I can be in love with him. Stupid? I know I deserve better and more and I know all of the things they say about married men, just can't seem to pull myself away from this man. I love the way he walks, talks, and has sex. Never thought I would meet my "match". He is it. I can tell he has feelings for me but he won't say anything.

This guy is seriously having his cake and eating it too. All that you know about him, his family, his wife, his "story" is through his perspective. Get it? He's not going to tell you all of it and make himself seem like a real turd. You really think he would be honest enough and man enough to say, "well, things aren't good between me and my wife because I'm selfish, or I don't treat her well, or....blank". No, he won't tell you that. Remember the old saying, there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth...

He say's he's not in love with his wife although he thinks she is in love with him. That tells me that she may be kind and loving to him but he's bored with the whole thing. Bored! You want to cater to that? Bored! I can guarantee you that your time will come, where he will become bored with you too and move on to the next exciting thing. He's a selfish jerk. What kind of "man" says to his mistress that he wants Pamela Anderson's boob for a birthday gift? The kind that doesn't respect her or cares what she thinks or if she's hurt by it, or worse, doesn't think she has the dignity to walk away from treatment like that.

Don't assist him in hurting his family. He doesn't love his daughters as much as he loves his son?. sounds like he doesn't really like women, period. Not that he's gay, no affection for them, he just doesn't love women. He loves to use them, but he doesn't love them. He's playing you, and he's playing his family, big time, but I guess you already know that and as long as it scratches the loneliness itch it's acceptable to you. Sad really. It shouldn't be that way.

I have wondered about the not liking women part because he has serious issues with his mother. His Dad was an over the road trucker and his Mom worked full-time. He was raised by his grandmother. Both his parents forgot his birthday last week, but it was his mom he said there was"no excuse for".
I do want y'all to know that I do NOT sit at home by the phone waiting for the opportunity to help him hurt his family. My kids are grown, but I have other interests; I have a very demanding job and I teach a class at the local college 1 night a week. I am working on a novel--I have finished 14 chapters and I am refinishing pieces of furniture and working on my house now that my last child is now living elsewhere.
I am not LIVING until the day I can be with him because I have a life. There's just this big hole when he is not in my life---and not just because he is not there. Because I don't want to be duped and dumped and double-whammied--not having him and not having the truth.

There is an awful lot of "he" and "him" in your sentences...

You sound like a talented woman, move on... where one door closes another one will open...

Never settle for less... you owe it to yourself.


Good luck

Forgot to add something when I posted yesterday... I bought the most amazing book and have read and re-read it for encouragement and strength to get past my own torrid affair with my boss. It is called "Why men love es". This book has been the light at the end of my tunnel. Seriously, I pick it apart everyday and realize now I have been nothing but a doormat to the man I am having sex with, but well, NO MORE. Everyday I try to implement the things I have read in this book with my daily life at work. Things are slowly coming around for me with him and I do feel that deep down inside I am slowly pulling myself away from him. This has taken time and I do believe I deserve better and more. I am an awesome woman, was just extremely weak and lonely at the time. Starting to see him for the "so called man" he claims to be. I will continue to be nice to him but I know he has seen a change in me. Good luck sweetie, WE can do it!!

Lilli and Parrothead- After reading both of your posts, I can see that you are in a lose-lose situation. You lose, the families of these men lose, it's not good any way you slice it. Affection and the desire to have someone love you and spend time with you (and even some money) is a strong pull, but it should never be strong enough to draw you and keep you into a bad and immoral sitaution.

Ladies, I can appreciate that you're taking steps to grow and leave these men behind, but pulling away slowly probably isn't the best method. I think that every moment that you spend by their side is good for them, but not you and certainly not their family. When you've made the decision that you will not participate in crap like this, you walk away. When you step on dog poop, do you keep the shoe on and wipe it away slowly? Probably not. You take the shoe off as quick as your hands will allow and hose it off outside before bringing the shoe inside and throwing it in your washer, right?? Why would we act so quickly to be rid of a stench in our shoe, yet we are indecisive about saving our dignity, our soul? If we found a cancer in our bodies, we'd have a surgeon remove it immediately before it spreads and does more damage to our bodies, to avoid irreparable harm.

There's another book, "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up their Lives" by Laura Schlessinger. I know she can be blunt and harsh, but sometimes, that's what we need to get our attention. The shame is that a lot of times, we won't read these books because we're afraid of seeing ourselves in them, yet that is what we desperately need.

I say we, because I'm a woman, not because I've ever cheated on my husband or even contemplated it. I think I chose my husband very wisely. I met lots of available men who were attractive to me, were fun, handsome, good listeners, yet they were missing something and I ended up paying the price for it. After so many heartbreaks, I made the choice to choose! Yep, choose my man. That meant that just cause he was flirting or was interested in me and showing me attention, that I didn't have to go out with him. I held out until I found one who was worthy in every way that was important to me. He had to have all the qualities that I thought were essential. Would he make a good partner, friend, father?? Did he share in my ethics, morals and values? Did he believe that commitment, honesty and communication was key in a relationship? Were our differences going to enhance each other or cause problems later? It took a while, but when I found him, that was it. It didn't hurt that he was gorgeous to boot, but that's just icing on the cake!


Choose. We choose our clothes more carefully than we choose our men! What's up with that? Choose. Choose to walk away and not look back, no matter the sob story or promises. These men are not trustworthy and don't really care how sad or depressed or undignified these affairs make you feel. Don't mess with married men, ever, for any reason. If they are unhappy, if their wife doesn't understand them, if they only married her cause she was pregnant or stayed cause she got pregnant, WHATEVER the scenario, it doesn't change the fact that they are MARRIED. It doesn't mean it's just a piece of paper. The decision to sign that paper, to make holy vows in front of God and others makes that paper very different and very special. If they chose not to be men of their word and signature, then that is a huge character flaw.

Never really understand why women put themselves in these situations. At what point in our lives do we say “Mommy when I grow up I want to be some mans concubine". Please forgive me for being harsh. You say you are in love with him. In love with what? Do you love him for cheating on his wife? Would you like it if you were the wife being cheated on? Do you love him for treating you like a whore. Do you love him because he buys his wife presents instead of getting you his mistress something? I hope you are developing a new sense of respect for yourself by ending this affair. This man you are falling in love with has reduced you to the level of a personal call girl that doesn’t get paid.

Sorry to be so blunt….but I think tuff love/advice was needed here.

ggmagoo is right on! At what point in our lives would any sane woman want to be the hidden secret, the reason for lying to their wives?? The sad part is women in this position may say, well, that's not my entire life, but it becomes that way. It takes a lot of work to keep a relationship like that going because everything has to be done discreetly. He has to sneak out, he can't spend a lot of money, sometimes any money, or she will be curious where that money is going, the mistress has a low spot on the totem pole. I don't understand what is so attractive about a relationship like that. I mean, that's kind of like buying a car that looks good but you can't drive it just anywhere, isn't dependable and will almost certainly be repossesed at some given time without notice.

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Originally Posted by momincali

ggmagoo is right on! At what point in our lives would any sane woman want to be the hidden secret, the reason for lying to their wives??? The sad part is women in this position may say, well, that's not my entire life, but it becomes that way. It takes alot of work to keep a relationship like that going because everything has to be done discreetly. He has to sneak out, he can't spend alot of money, sometimes any money, or she will be curious where that money is going, the mistress has a low spot on the totem pole. I don't understand what is so attractive about a relationship like that. I mean, that's kinda like buying a car that looks good but you can't drive it just anywhere, isn't dependable and will almost certainly be repossesed at some given time without notice.

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Look... let's be honest: no woman would like to be in a situation like this. It is not what we have in mind for ourselves. Sometimes however, some women do. That does not make them a bad person, it's a very unfortunate choice that has been made. Because, having said this... it is about making choices. When somebody falls in love with a man who is married/engaged, it is about making a choice... Things do not "happen".. it's a choice to continue in a relationship like that.

As for the girl who asked for advice... this is her choice.
It takes a lot of strength to walk out of a situation as she described.
When you love yourself enough you will only allow people in your life who treat you with respect...

No good-tsk tsk. mαrried people αre big no no's.. αnd it's wrong for α reαson- look whαt you got into. Obviously your just his go-to girl αnd he's not gonnα treαt you like αnything speciαl becαuse your bαsicαlly α piece for him whenever he needs it. Get out of the relαtionship it's tαking you no where.

Omgsh I feel so bαd for his wife.