I was dating a friend of a friend for almost a year. Everything seemed great. I was going to ask my ex about our anniversary which was coming up. Then he dumped me out of the blue by phone. I was completely shocked.

He didn't even give me a reason and wouldn't talk to me. I was shocked and confused. I asked his friend about his strange behavior. She said that it wasn't my fault at all. She said that he's fickle and just wants to be single.

The next day he texted me. He said I have low self esteem and no confidence. He said that I can't communicate- pretty ironic for someone dumping me by text. After insulting me he ended it with "I should've dumped you a long time ago". As if being dumped wasn't bad enough.

I was devastated I was a good girlfriend and would never cheat. It was very difficult as I'd become friends with his friends and got on well with majority of them. I deserved a face to face breakup and actual closure. Not insults and no answers. Its been months and I've tried seeing other people. But I ended up getting more hurt. I deserve so much better than this.

Merry, just consider him to be the lowest life form, something that crawled out from under a rock to break up with you this way. There is nothing you will be able to do about it. You will have to discipline yourself to getting on with your life. Yes you did deserve so much more but it isn't going to happen. Just consider yourself lucky you didn't marry this jerk; and luckier still his disgusting gene pool will not be mixed with yours.
Tick

He's an immature waste of space.

Don't worry about revenge-you dodged a bullet-heal and move on.

I really wish that someone would screw my ex over, like he did to me. He's never been the dumpee before, ever. I haven't seen him and he hasn't contacted me. The lack of closure hasn't helped at all. Being left high and dry sets you up for obsessing about what went wrong. I've tried dating others but it just made me miss him even more. What to do? I don't know what I would do if I saw him out. I would have to really bite my tongue not to say anything.

It's the worst breakup I've had so far. I was close with all his friends. I saw him by accident 2 weeks after we brokeup. He was already with another girl! I was a mess and couldn't stop crying. I kept going and didn't let him see me upset. But I was a complete mess afterwards.

I just want revenge.

Revenge is not the way to go, believe me. I would concentrate on getting this past me and finding a good guy... they are out there.

Karma will prevail!

Do things to get him off your mind. And who cares about jerks like that. They suck! No doubt about it. But you will get over it some point in time and you will forget about him. It seems like there's no way to get revenge. But you could always try to make him jealous... just get a man and be with him next time you see your ex. And who breaks up with other people with text. Seriously! Hope all ends up well.
Paperthin

Closure isn't something another person gives to you-you find it within yourself.

He's history, hold your head up high and ignore him completely.

Let go of the anger, it'll slow down your healing process.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to amicon again.

amicon is right, you cannot "get" closure from him. What could he say to you that would make you think "oh okay, that's good then" and then you'd be fine? You need to realize the reality of your situation to find closure.

That reality is that his insults hold NO water. He is a coward and a child, and anything he said about you is rubbish. You know you deserve better, and you would have given him better were YOU to dump HIM.

Just know that those kind of childish games he plays will never make him happy. That lack of communicative skills or maturity never brings one love or satisfaction. As a mature and well-meaning person yourself, you will NOT find satisfaction in bringing him misery (aka-revenge).

The only revenge you should seek is by being happier, healthier, and better off without him. That's how you come out the victor, and that's how you find closure.

Best of luck.

You are hurt and angry, understandable, but in time, healing will start and you will get the best revenge, by moving on to better things.

He will get his, the selfish always do.

All my other breakups made sense, except for this one. Someone just leaving you high and dry for no reason doesn't make any sense at all. I've tried dating others but I don't want to get hurt again. He's never contacted me, its like we never dated at all. How do people move on so quickly?

If I have to dump someone in the future, should I just dump them by text and refuse to even speak to them? Then completely cut them from my life forever?

I really wish someone would screw my ex over. I'd just say to him "well do you think after what you did to me, that I would even remotely care?".

After a year, hard to believe you saw nothing as to his true character. Did you?

Yeah in hindsight I did see some red flags. I didn't know my ex before we dated, so obviously if I knew what he was like I would've never even dated him.

What were the red flags? If you don't mind sharing. And why did you ignore those red flags?

I knew people said he was selfish, but I didn't know to what extent. Towards the end he'd insult me in front of people. And there was in incident at a party. Someone insulted me and I had been drinking. I got upset. My ex NEVER asked me what was wrong. He COMPLETELY ignored me like I didn't exist. I deeply regret not dumping his *** right there and then.

Being dumped by text after a year isn't good enough. I used to believe that karma existed, but I'm yet to actually see any of it!

I was seeing a counsellor about all this anger that I have over this. She hasn't helped at all though.

The funny thing about anger is its easily misdirected. Sometimes when we are angry at the actions, or behavior of others, we mask the anger at ourselves for allowing their actions, or bad behavior. Not saying he doesn't deserve your anger, on the contrary, he was a jerk for sure, but sometimes it really helps to see the part we played when things go bad. We learn valuable lessons about ourselves when we do. And can put those lessons to good use in the future.

For now, vent away, so the emotional dust can settle. You seem like a really nice person, hope this idiot doesn't change that. Don't let him.

I wish he could see me with someone else, more than anything. I ended up rebounding with another jerk.

I'll never take my ex back, even if hypothetically he did come to my door and ask for me back.

I've done everything right and have never broken No Contact since we brokeup. I've done everything right, but I think what's the point? When he dumped me by text, yet hilariously called me the crazy one.

I also think how could my ex not even regret what he did? Especially knowing how I felt about him. I'm thankful that I'm not with this assclown anymore.

I'm just scared of getting hurt again. He led me on that we were on the same page and everything was OK. Then dumped me in the worst possible way. I don't want to hurt like that again.

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Originally Posted by Merrywidow87

I'm just scared of getting hurt again. He led me on that we were on the same page and everything was ok. Then dumped me in the worst possible way. I don't want to hurt like that again.

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Then don't get hurt like that again. It is obvious from your last few replies that this is really eating at you. Have you learned, or taken in anything we have written in the last couple of days. You keep on talking about revenge, but that is the worse possible mindset you can have. This means that you have not received closure, but it is closed. There is not anything to do or say anymore about your issue with this man.

Just because he is a not a healthy person to be around, doesn't mean that every man is like that. Don't taint yourself with the possibility that you will never meet anyone worthwhile again. That isn't true. Set your mind to healthy thinking, focus on your job, if you have one, focus on your family if you have that too. Get away, go on vacation, anything to take you mind off, and keep it off, this person.

Tick

Believe it or not, you will learn from this experience.

You will, with distance, see traits about this guy that you didn't realize before. You will realize things about him that you should have realized before. These things will serve as warning signs in the future.

Very rarely do our significant others just change overnight into a different person. They are that person all along, and we were blind to it. Having to deal with these types of heartaches is a blessing, because the next time a man or woman like that comes along, we'll be able to see through that.

You're hurting now, but keep your dignity in tact and you WILL come out stronger.

I have thought long and hard about mistakes that I made. I did make some mistakes, but nothing worth deserving this treatment. I deeply regret not dumping him along time ago, I realise he stopped caring a long time ago. I did bring up his behaviour before. All he said was " I was drunk I can't remember" and blew me off. If I could do things differently again, I defiently would for sure.

I've been trying to work on myself and have been seeing a counsellor.

Tickle- The other gy I met 6 months after this happened. I didn't jump straight into it.

Deffinatly don't do that. That's just stooping as low as the guy that dumped you by text. So you don't want to be like that but you don't have move on so fast. Just give it time and I'm sure it will get better some time.

I can understand how it doesn't make sense but you will start getting over it and you will won't feel so hurt or angry.

And people don't move on so quickly they say they do but they don't. Take as much time as you need

Hope all goes well

This ex dumped me a year ago. I was just trying to move on. Friends were trying to encourage me too.

You don't move on by getting involved with somebody else-you move on by getting over the ex.

So what else in your life is happening that you have been holding on to feelings from a year ago? Another failed relationship? Money problems? Job? Family? What?

My shrink suggested dating others so I did. I didn't use the new guy and I was genuinely upset when he had to go back home. I'm not that callous, I did care about him. I know I'll never see my ex again and I don't expect him to contact me after a year.

When am I supposed to start dating again?

I've tried everything to move on. I've read just about every breakup book out there. I've talked to friends and family. I've been seeing a shrink for almost a year.

If you have been in therapy for a year and you still feel stuck-have you considered changing therapists?

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Originally Posted by amicon

If you have been in therapy for a year and you still feel stuck-have you considered changing therapists?

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Some people are impervious to help or good advice and keep on making the same mistakes over and over again. Mostly they are very needy people who just can't break out of a cycle. Much like women who go back to the men who have physically abused them and the whole cycle of abuse starts over again.

Tick

Yes I have considered it. I haven't been back as the last time was such a bad experience.

I'm not impervious to help and good advice. I mean I've been going to this therapist for a year. I really don't want to make the same mistakes again. Tickle I find your posts insulting.

Unlike my ex I don't hurt people on purpose and get enjoyment out of it. I do care for the guy I was seeing after him.

How will I know if another therapist would help me? What will they do differently that will actually help me?

Do your research on the internet and look into therapies that sound right to you.

You should be allowed a 'let's see if we can work togheter ''free appointment to find out if it's right for you.

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Originally Posted by Merrywidow87

Will I always want revenge? Dumped by text

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Hello Merry:

I've been wanting to comment on this thread... But, my advice is CONTRARY to everybody else's. Will you ALWAYS want revenge?? YOU BETCHA! If you find a therapist who wants you to STOP feeling that way, FIRE him.

In my view, I don't think you should/CAN change the way you feel. All you can do is accept how you feel, and MAKE good decisions about what you DO about it, instead of letting your EMOTIONS decide for you...

Look.. I still want revenge on that sorry MF who screwed me over 35 years ago. No, I DIDN'T do anything about it.. Is my advice correct?? I don't know. It's correct for ME.

excon

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Merrywidow87

I'm not impervious to help and good advice. I mean I've been going to this therapist for a year. I really dont want to make the same mistakes again. Tickle I find your posts insulting.

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Merry; sorry to say this but in everything you have stated you have never had one positive comment to make about yourself. Everything is negative. Once you stop thinking negatively, then you will be making one giant step ahead but until then, all the talk, all the writing is not going to do you any good at all.

After seven pages of writing, what more is there to say from either end. Anyone who has given, or wants to give you advice has already done it and you still come back as positive negative. So get over it and move on.

I am sorry if you find my replies insulting, I am not sure they all were, but if the truth hurts Merry, live with it. If you can't take positive feedback for your problem, then no counsellor will be able to help you either. YOU are the one who has to help yourself.

tickle

There was(is) someone else. He is a coward by texting a breakup. Get on with your life. This is not your fault. Do NOT blame yourself.

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Quote by Excon,
All you can do is accept how you feel, and MAKE good decisions about what you DO about it, instead of letting your EMOTIONS decide for you...

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Is it at all possible that when the next guy you dated left, all those old feelings from the first ex came flooding back?

A person is not required to break up in any certain way. They can just not say a word if they don't want to, so you are not owed anything.

So you got angry, it is time to get over it, you have a problem, you in my opinion was getting yourself worth from this other person and think they owe you something.

You can stay bitter your entire life and waste it, or you can change yourself

True but if someone had any decency at all, than they wouldn't do this. When someone leaves you high and dry and refuses to even have the breakup talk with you, I realise it easily makes you obsess about it. It was a real mindf***. I thought is the things he's told me true? Am I really like that?

Yeah I guess it did quite a bit.

I do really appreciate everyone's advice. I just couldn't believe that I could be so wrong about someone. His beaviour was a complete cop out. I do truelly want to move on, more than anything. I mean I did everything right before and after the breakup. I never broke NC once. I want to move on, but I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I did everything right in this relationship and I just think what's the point? I struggle with the sense of no justice.

You say move on, so how?

If you are having so much difficulty with this issue, and you truly want to move on, then how much would it cost you (not necessarily in money) but in social activity, job placement to move far enough away that you can leave most of this behind you ?

You need a radical change; you need to do something that you have never done before; a vacation where you meet new people from different walks of life with different careers.

In other words your mental system needs a positive shock to get you out of this rut you are right now.

Would I do it? You betcha, if it would help me focus on a truly happy future down the road without baggage. We are all going to have some sort of baggage to take us through life but it doesn't have to be the baggage that keeps us downtrodden.

Tick

I think maybe you put so much on a personal relationship, when they fail, you fail. It's a trap we all fall into, especially when we invest so much of ourselves into someone else, and come to depend on them, or the relationship itself to make us happy.

That same time and energy you put into some one else, start putting it into yourself, and start doing good things for yourself. I think you will find that by taking care of you for a change, not only will you raise your spirits but raise your awareness of all the people, places, and things, and activities that you enjoy.

When you are happy with YOURSELF, then you will have the confidence to overcome any obstacle that life throws at you. This is but a temporary glitch made bigger by your own feelings, because you made some one else a priority, instead of yourself. Change that, and heal.

You are hardly the first and only person to be hurt by a failed relationship(S), and indeed two within 6 months can really shake the faith. Stop looking for love, and just love yourself. Make yourself happy without a partner. That's how you heal, and move on. Making new memories to replace old ones, and having new experiences, to move old ones out of the way. Now start being good to yourself.

Thanks and the other thing is I also want to stop attracting jerks and players. They always seem nice to start with, but soon after they show their real colours.

I don't intentionally go after this type, not at all. Far from it.