So met this man over month ago. Both 23 Everything was sweet to start with now his totally gone weird. Over past few weeks. Now he texts randomly saying can hurry and meet him, one time I made other plans and he replyed saying "oh i knew you didn't like me, are seeing another man instead, "this last time am going to see you etc The other day when I did see him he asked me to do something and I said no, then he flipped and said oh you don't listen etc. Then later on when I was on the phone he lent right beside me listening to conversation. Afterwards he turned and randomly said do you do karate I said no then he started doing air punches in my face he didn't hit me but freaked me out still.

Again later on his cousin was outside in car he came to give him a lift and he said he drop me home. Before we stepped out to go in the car he said don't act silly. Etc. Other times I've witnessed him while he was waiting for bus with me and he was punching bus stop. And in some texts he put “if you keep me happy, then I will keep you happy and will act like how you want me to.
Once when I asked him what he did in college he said he quit, as incident happened, then flipped and said made memory come back, my life's **** I know it's going to be ****. Then went on to say do think am crazy as you called me crazy in text. That was only in relation to fact he said if keep me happy then I keep you happy in past text. And proberly just going cut him off he as he rarely texts and when he does its radom "oh can you link up how long is it going to take to get there etc". He only ever tells fragments of his life. I like him a lot but I feel that has a lot issue. I don't think he has any friends he says he only goes to play ( that's his words) with his cousins. Now feel like am just with him because I feel sorry for him. Even sex is weird with him he will just lye thre after on top silent for 5 or so minutes.
I really like him a lot but maybe I should just walk away. I feel like want to help him.
but I know he has secrets and even once he said he had and he didn't want to say anything as he didn't want to risk losing me. Plus I feel like to him this is normal to him, he said never had girlfriend before

When it's weird,walk.

Listen to your gut instinct-something's not right here.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can save him from himself.

I have to agree with Amicon. When that inner voice is telling you something is wrong, listen to it.

feaky, crazy, manipulative, completely random...

how many more reasons do you need?

My bus would have left ages ago...

This guy sounds like bad news. He needs counseling not a girl friend.

He hits things, throws punches at your face, he's controlling. He has all the warning signs of an abuser.

Your gut is right. It's time to call this off.

You can't stay with someone because you feel sorry for them, or think you can help them. Trust me, you're not qualified to help him with what's bothering him. Only a therapist can help, and even that's iffy.

Walk away now. Be careful though, I have a feeling that this guy won't go easily.

Always listen to your red flags.

Yes, this is dangerous behavior. If he is exhibiting this level of dangerous behavior after one month of dating, imagine what he could (will) do after a year or two if you stay with him? You are jeopardizing not only your emotional well-being, but also your physical health and your future.

I'd definitely walk away. Fast.

If you do, be prepared to back up your decision with action. It sounds like he will go a little nuts if you were to do this, but be strong.

Yes he is dangerous, and crazy. But now you know why he never had a girlfriend!! Keep it that way!!

He is no good in bed, doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated, and shows several red flags of an abuser. You need to back out now, make sure that when you do, cut him completely off your life. Some females stick around because they think they can change them, however, changing a person with his "symptoms" is not an easy task, and it normally does not happen.

Good luck,
Javi

Snowflake, snowflake, SNOWFLAKE!! I could not even read all of it because common sense would tell you to run like hell!! Listen why are you surrounding yourself with danger are you that lost for love!! Girl please leave the situation get a restraining order, by a gun get it registered in your name and keep on moving forward! An if he breaks the restraining order shoot him in the leg and call the Police!! You won't even get charged for this because it was self defense!!

I wouldn't go as far as buying a gun and shooting him. Self defense isn't that easy to prove.

But yes, get away, and if he continues to call, stalks you, won't leave you alone, then a restraining order is in order. Then you let the police deal with him if he breaks the order.

Altenweg, she needs the gun for protection and yes she can say it was self defense, frightened for her life! Guarantee he will get her first if this continues!

She can say whatever she wants. But proving that it was self defense isn't as easy as people seem to think. Yes, she should protect herself, but there are other things she should do also.

First, she should break up with him. It could be that he goes peacefully and never contacts her again. I agree that I don't think he will, but we could be wrong about him becoming a problem.

If he doesn't go peacefully then it's time for a restraining order, calling the cops every time he breaks it, making sure they have a record of everything he's done. Change phone numbers, get an alarm system, delete Facebook, etc. etc.

Stalking also isn't easy to prove. If he emails, or texts, that can't be used as proof of stalking. He has to actually make physical contact.

All in all, there's an order she has to follow. Without proving that she's in danger, she could be in a load of trouble if she takes the law into her own hands.

Yes, by all means, if she feels that her life is in jeopardy, she shouldn't hesitate to do whatever she has to to protect herself. I just wouldn't make that the first or only option.

In this Generation we all need some kind of protection and the Police are not always there quick enough! Okay look at it this way they have already been involved sexually and that can create a problem a huge one! Showing his butt a gun will scare him off permanently, but then again he could be really sick in the head and wants to die by anyone's hand! I say protect yourself at all angles!! I have dealt with abusers done through the years and some want to die, why because they don't have the guts to kill themselves and another thing I am going to keep it real. Never I repeat never give up the goodies to someone who is throwing air punches in your face, stalking you, hiding in bushes, jumping at you, asking you crazy questions, accuses you of sleeping around and you know you are not!! That person is suicidal and a threat to sociaty. I have one daughter that God blessed me with and I would tell her the same thing. PROTECT YOURSELF!!

Am gone, last night I phone and told him on phone, he said I don't want know ***** like you, that his busy alll time and he doesn't even have time to sleep, I can't have sex with you all the time, whe am free I text you to meet up. It hurts cause really liked him and wanted him to be different from most men (he isn't first abusive man). I feel so low and worthless at moment, that wanted to slit my arms. He only ever viewed me as cheap, useless worthless I guess like most men

Am gone, last night I phone and told him on phone, he said I don't want know bi"@ch like you, that his busy alll time and he doesn't even have time to sleep, I can't have sex with you all the time, whe am free I text you to meet up. It hurts cause really liked him and wanted him to be different from most men (he isn't first abusive man). I feel so low and worthless at moment, that I slit my arms. He only ever viewed me as cheap, useless worthless I guess like most men

Snowflake, you are not worthless but try to concentrate on something else other than a guy or sex! Like Education go to college get a degree and then get involved with a good man that has education and a degree! Stop selling yourself cheap and stop abusing yourself!! NO you do not want to abuse yourself in anyway at all and stay away from these ghetto guys who don't mean you no good!! You are nuch better than what they can offer you!! love yourself Snowflake!!

Snowflake you need some counseling and really quick!! No man is worth abusing yourself over are you serious??

I went to college and I got good job. I try to tell myself am better than that when things keep happening in repeat I just shut down. I build my confidence and concentrate on other things then if man come along which do like, its like its to good to be true then I feel like rubbish again

I don't know what's wrong with me I just feel empty inside, I just put myself into this habbit of every time a man hurts you to scar yourself then always remember those men who hurt you

Snowflake, how old are you and what country do you live in? It will help to know resources are available to you.

No man is worth hurting yourself. This man in particular is not worth another thought unless it is when you are talking to a counselor about why you get involved with men like him.

Where do you usually meet the men you date?

If you feel empty inside it because you are looking for love and happiness in the wrong place. They have to come from inside you.

Take this time to work on your relationship with yourself. Try counseling. Get involved in things that make you happy. What interests do you have that help you feel good about you?

23, uk. In town when out shpping or from work.

Snowflake, get some help you are to young to be involved with such stress! These are your fun years don't get to serious right now and stop letting these no good Jerks play you! Pull yourself together and love yourself! Judt date and don't take these men too seriously because you are only hurtung yourself! Seek Counseling!! Talk to someone who can help you. I am also here for you as well and I am going to keep it real!!

I agree with Cat that counseling will benefit you. Until you work on yourself, you are going to pursue the wrong men for the wrong reasons. It sounds like you have a history of abusive men. Counseling would help you understand why you are making these choices in men. It will also help you to deal with wanting to hurt yourself. Don't despair - there is hope for a better life.

You mentioned that you have a college degree and a good job. You are also very young at 23. I would suggest that you stay away from men for some time while you work on understanding yourself better and accepting that you have a lot to offer. We all make mistakes, so forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made and spend some time figuring out what you really want. You need to start valuing yourself as a person, not base your value on what the men you have known say or how they treat you. When you value yourself, you won't allow a man to mistreat you. This is about you – not the men in your past. When the time is right, you will be ready to meet a good, decent man. There are many of them out there.

Thank you, yep am going try seek professional help. Its just nice knowing it wasn't my fault. I spent to many times thinking I was problem that they normal and I wasn't

Good for you Snowflake, your going to make it! You will be all right!

Snowflake, one of the things about the people on this site is we will give you our honest opinions.

You're young and still learning how to choose a partner. It sounds like you have gotten mixed up and made some mistakes, but we all do. That you are willing to learn is a very good thing. Understand that isn't easy and it will take work, but we are here to offer what advice we can.

If you start blaming yourself again reread what has been said and if needed post. Remember that we are volunteers so responses can take awhile so be patient.

While you may have a record of picking the wrong men, this last one was not one you could have seen coming. It is mark in your favor that you asked for help before the situation got worse.

You know with counseling you might think about self-defense classes. It can boost your self-esteem.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

I think counseling would be a good idea;it seems you have low self esteem and seeing a therapist would help.

Well done for ending it-I hope you have friends and family around to offer you support.

@ Pattygrown40

I just thought it would be worthwhile mentioning guns are illegal in the UK.. and extremely difficult to obtain a license to keep one. I tried as I was offered an antique.. and even to keep one for 'non use' was more hassle than going to get a tooth pulled.

@ Snowflake

The mental health system is absolutely phenomenal in the UK and free. Go see one of your local GP's and get referred to one in your main town.

On a side note, you should feel proud and confident that you did leave him. You stood your ground and did what was right. For you. No one else... just you.

It's easy to carry the blame for an abusive partner when we try to cover for them and make them feel better for what they did, assuming the blame to make things easier. It's a stupid way to think, but we're to easy to fall into the protective trap because we're 'loved'.

Don't rush into any relationship till you've found yourself. You're strong in mind, heart and soul. Don't believe that yourself worth is as low as being treated like a beaten dog. You deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and admiration. Treated like a woman with intelligence and self preservation.

If a man can't give you that, then he's not worthy to be even considered.

@Mystific I did not know she was in the UK until Cat asked her but on the other hand I live in the US and it is very legal here! Thank you for lettig me know that and since Snaowflake you hurt yourself it wouldn't be good for you to have protection at all! Just stay away from the rough necks and you will be all right : )

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pattygrown40

@Mystific I did not know she was in the UK until Cat asked her but on the other hand I live in the US and it is very legal here! Thank you for lettig me know that and since Snaowflake you hurt yourself it wouldn't be good for you to have protection at all! Just stay away from the rough necks and you will be alright : )

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I have lived in both UK and US. It was certainly an eye opener to see how easy it is to purchase weapons in the US.

Not that I went out and got one... I'd end up doing myself more harm than anyone else :)

@mystific: SELF DEFENSE LOL!! but at least you understood what I was talking about!! Cheers to U : )

Patty, I looked at your post from a Canadian point of view. In Canada it's also very hard to get a gun.

I understand the need to protect yourself, and I've been in abusive situations. My point was that a gun is dangerous. Also, she could end up being charged. What if she panics and ends up shooting the mailman thinking it's her ex?

There are other ways to protect yourself. You don't always have to go for the heavy artillery.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Altenweg again.

I agree with the gun being dangerous, as is any weapon you may defend yourself with.

My dad once told me, if you ever use a weapon you make sure you know how to defend yourself against it... there's always a chance you could lose it to your attacker.. I can't dodge bullets, so gun's are certainly not high on my list of 'defensive mechanisms'.

I feel the same way. I'm also afraid that I could accidentally shoot someone out of fear.

I've taken self defense, I have three dogs, and 4 killer attack rabbits. ;)

I'm not begrudging anyone the right to have a gun, but there's a lot more involved (or there should be) then just going to the local gun store and picking up a weapon that is made to end a human life. There should be numerous training sessions, tests, etc. etc. I just find that it's way too easy for people to get these weapons, and most don't have any clue how to safely use them.

Also, the OP is not in the mental state that is conducive to having a weapon in the home.

@Alteweg I was speaking from an American point of view very selfish of me. My apoloigies please!! Here in thr US is really viloent crimes going on and it is very easy to own artillery here. That why I stated in my last post that in her current situation that would not be in her best interest! Some Defense Classes would benefit her more and some Major Counseling, She is a smart young lady and she will be all right. I just believe that!

No apologies necessary Patty, we just see things differently, and that's okay.

We do agree that she's a smart lady, and counseling is a must. I also believe that she'll be okay. :)

Great okay I am off to bed!! G.N.

I'm an American, descended from Mayflower passengers, American Revolution soldiers, Civil War soldiers, and military men. I grew up where guns were commonplace.

I've also gone through an abusive relationship where I had to take a restraining order out on the man that I had broken up with. He was a military guy that threatened to blow up my Mom's mailbox. Fun stuff, huh?

I think that it is irresponsible for every person to run out and get a gun for "self defense" whenever they feel they should.

Personally, I think each person should take it upon themselves to receive self defense TRAINING, rather than run out and buy a gun. If, after receiving necessary training, the person is still insecure, by all means, buy a gun. But it should not just be the first response.

I think this is the reason why we HAVE so many violent crimes, crimes of passion, and accidental shootings. People just assume that because we can we should.

The best way to handle abuse from a psycho, is to leave, and get all the support you can from the friends and family around you, and the properly trained authorities. Knowledge is power, and the more others close to you know what you are going through, the better they can help protect you, that and being aware and vigilante in your own behalf, are better than depending on a gun to keep you safe. That's a very false sense of security.