Well, I'll try not to make this too long.
I was with my ex for just over 3 years, living together for 2. I'm 34, she's 27, but very smart and mature. Anyway, I had no clue anything was wrong. We never even had a significant argument. Sure after a while you get complacent and possibly hit a dry spell. But I had no idea she had thoughts of leaving.
About 2 weeks ago she gives me the "we need to talk" speech. As it turns out she has been keeping things bottled up for about a year. I'm not great at expressing my feelings and know that's something I need to work on. But I thought she knew me well enough that I didn't really need too.(I know, big mistake). So bottom line is she didn't feel appriciated and has been off and on unhappy and thinking of ending things for about a year now. This caught me so off guard and I'm in complete shock. Still can't believe she never mentioned she was unhappy, instead hid behind a smile. Her reasoning is that she loves me so much, and figured that's just who I am, and she'd learn to live with it. I know I should have shown her more attention and appreciation, but I just thought everything was fine. If I knew there was a problem I would have definitely made a contience effort to improve. I love her with all my heart and had already been looking at rings. And now I'm just devistated. And feel too old to just pick up the pieces and start all over again.
I've expressed my feelings.practically begged. She was very emotional and says she still loves me with all her heart but feels like she's given so much to the relationship while not getting enough in return. And just doesn't think she can overcome her feelings of resentment she now has. She recognizes her part in this and says she just needs to focus on her now. That she's tired of always trying to please others.
She's a great girl and I'm so mad at myself for screwing this up!! I just wish I wouldve at least had the opportunity to try and correct my faults. She was my world... and now she's gone. I just don't know how to deal with it.
I've been trying the N/C so the only contact is when she's come on the weekend to grab a few more things. She still has a bunch of stuff to move out and things in both of our names that we'll have to take care of.

What do I do? How do I go on?
I have all the (so called) normal symptoms... I'm lost!

There is not much you can do if your partner didn't communicate with you. You can take what you have learned and use it in your next relationship.

You need to get your joint affairs taken care of and all belongings back to their respective owners. She needs to make one more trip for her stuff. Getting it piece by piece is not helping either one of you. Then go No Contact.

You are going to have high and low points in the healing process. Just know that they do even out over time and if you give yourself the support you need.

Old friends, meeting new people, hobbies, new hobbies, the gym, continuing education classes, volunteering, etc. are all things that can help you stay busy mentally and physically while you heal emotionally.

Thanks cat1864.. I'm just so depressed. The thought of losing her kills me... then when I try to think positive and about moving on. I go back in depression thinking about how I tried to do the right thing in waiting to have children until I meet my wife. Then I thought I had. And now my time may have passed and I'll just end up alone, never truly experiencing the family life... is like a lose-lose for me

So sorry that you're going through this. Getting over the heartache of a failed relationship is hard work. You need to enlist the help of friends, family, perhaps even strangers to get through this.

Mourn for awhile, but don't let the ghost of your failed relationship gnaw on your smile. You had a life before you met her - do you remember it? You had fun then. You smiled. You spent time with friends and laughed at little things.

Give yourself time for your heart to catch up with your brain. Smile even when you don't feel like it. You'll know when its time for you to move on and move forward.

I have to admit I felt exactly like you do with the 'im too old', 'never going to experience the finer things in life with a significant other'.. but, well bullocks to it all! You've two years on me and you know what.. we WILL find that other who DESERVES us not the other way round. Daily I read what the experts and regular posters post and daily I feel more and more comfortable in myself and believe it or not the spine is straightening even more, the head is lifting a little higher and the confidence.. well we'll get to that another day :)

You'll only be as alone as you want to be.. if you don't want to be alone.. get out there and make it happen for you.. hold your head high and proud! :D

Get yourself out there! Volunteer at a hospital or nursing home or library or animal shelter. Meet people, get unconditional love from the animals whose lives you will improve, and bushels of thank yous from people who may be three times your age (who also have wonderful stories to tell you). Sitting still and wallowing in your misery doesn't do you a bit of good, so move and do and meet and greet and get involved! The tunnel is pretty dark right now, but there are people around you with flashlights and who will lead you back into the daylight. Maybe it's time to sit down with a good therapist for two or three sessions. Set some goals and have someone to be accountable to. You're far too young to give up! (I'd give my eyeteeth to be as young as you are.)

Thanks for the replies! Lately the only time I start feeling a little better is when I'm reading posts on this site.. it's a blessing for us people in this unfortunate situation...
One of the biggest hurdles I'm working on is the full NO CONTACT! I broke today & checked Facebook. I was doing better until I saw that she changed her status to single.
I'm trying to make myself a promise to leave FB alone for awhile, until I'm comfortable enough to delete her... I just hope I can muster up the strength to get through this.
Thanks again for the replies... its all I have to fall back on right now.

Wow this is almost exactly my situation except she ran with the new guy without telling me what's the problem. I have been mourning for 1 month then only to find out last week that she is with a new guy. Im now initiating NO CONTACT although I must admit that I still can't sleep well [waking up every night], can't eat well [lost 5kg] and I can't go out too!

So go out share with your close friends and they will definitely help out. Day won't be a problem only night u will feel very bad. Work Hard bro.

This site is a godsend, take bits and pieces from here and there that relate back to you or make you feel inspired.. it certainly strengthens the spirit and the knowledge that you're definitely not alone.

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Originally Posted by hopelesss

thanks again for the replies... its all i have to fall back on right now.

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I think you would be a terrific ambassador for NC and be able to help others who come here with similar questions and situations. How about sticking around to give others a lift?

(Pssst, unfriend and delete her from FB. Now. You can add me instead :D)

First of all, you are only 34. You have your whole life ahead of you. Second, the best thing for you to do is learn from this, and next time you get involved, and believe me you will, listen more attentively and never ever take her for granted. Learn to show appreciation for your next "significant other". And you will not be taken by surprise as you were in this relationship. You don't know this, but your girlfriend gave you many chances to straighten this out , to fix this, but it took for her to leave you before you saw that. That is too bad, but it is the reality. Now you have to go through a sort of mourning process. This will takwe time, but you will get through it. Falling is love is always a gamble, and this time you lost . You got hurt, badly, but life will go on. But like I said, learn from your mistakes. Other wise this sam scenario will repeat itself many more times in you future.

@ beachloverjohn- I know you are 100% right! Ihve learned a great deal from this.. the getting past it process is just demoralizing. I honestly didn't know I could ever feel this low.. I've dealt with a lot of loss in my life & always stood strong. I just don't think I've ever allowed anyone to get close enough to hurt me like this. She's the last person in the world I'd think would give up me.. I'm just still in disbelief..
But all of your posts are positive & they give me hope. Hopefully one day I can do that for somebody else!

You will survive this.. I know that right now , you feel like your life is over. You keep thinking that someday she will realize what she gave up, an tell you she wants you back. You think you can never feel this way about anyone else again. But you will. And I am telling you, she has and will spend a lot of nights thinking about you and wondering if she did the right thing. And you will wait for a while, that is human nature. But one of these days, you will tell yourself that it's time to go out with someone else, and you will fall in love again. Then this one will be just part of your past. This will take time, but it will happen. I guarantee it... Just DO NOT make the same mistakes again...

If she has stuff to get from you, help her by getting it ready to go, and start to redefine your space without any reminders of her. Throw it out, or put it into storage.

It's a slow process, but the busier you are in making new memories through friends and activities, the better.

I don't want to ramble and respond to every reply. But I do want you all to know that I appreciate every single one of your replies... Thank you all so much!
This site is my new best friend!

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I think you would be a terrific ambassador for NC and be able to help others who come here with similar questions and situations. How about sticking around to give others a lift?

(Pssst, unfriend and delete her from FB. Now. You can add me instead :D)

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Thanks! & I wish I could but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. Hopefully soon!

Just when I thought I was making progress & started feeling a little better. I have a relapse. Ended up sending her flowers & exchanging a few texts. Allowing me more false hope. My brain tells me that while she's been very honest and compassionate. She also hasn't given me any real reason to be hopeful!
I just keep dwelling on our reasons for breaking up, and the bottom line is: lack of communication & me needing to express my feelings more and show her that she's appreciated... to me, those things are fixable!
I keep thinking, how can she just give up what we had? And telling myself there's just no way, and I know she'll eventually realize this...
Now this is my problem... I know that's the wrong mindset. And I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I know its only been about a month. But my heart just doesn't seem capable of letting it go... WHY?? Man, this sucks :(

You have a belief that you can fix this,that somehow,someway things can recover... that belief is holding you back from committing to no contact and really moving on.

Change that belief to a conviction,and back that conviction up with actions.

Actions that help you move forwards and towards healing.

Nc is hard,breakups suck and a broken heart is not going to heal overnight.

What was the outcome of sending the flowers?

Did it get the effect you wanted?

Did it change the situation?

I'm guessing not since your posting.
Put the same effort into you,you can't do this alone,you do need emotional support in real time.

You can move on and heal if you want,you can have a future happy on your own or with someone else,OR, you can stay in this horrible headspace pining.

Which do you want?

Happy future VS horrible pining.

If you want a happy future you have to strive for it and leave your ex and that relationship in the past.

You are not doing the things it takes to change your focus from her to you! That's the bottom line, and if you spent as much time and effort on loving yourself, and dealing with what you need, you wouldn't have time to send her flowers or even talk to her.

You would be building a life that you enjoy that makes you happy without her. You would have activities and friends and goals to enjoy and look forward to. You would be doing your thing, and NOT hers.

You would be happy with who you are, and NOT need her to make you happy.

You wouldn't be crying in your own soup and looking back, and NOT ahead. Look ahead young man, move forward.

The thing you have to remember most is that you are a good person with much to offer or she wouldn't have fallen in love with you in the first place. You are still that person. But you have to let her go in order for you to heal. The hardest thing to do is stop all contact, because you keep thinking texting, flowers, etc, etc, will keep her from forgetting you. But it has an opposite effect. It shows you as needy, desperate, and totally weak. Really put your mind to it that you will stop all contact with her, it really is your only chance, and a slim one at that I'm afraid, but it's the only way she is going to miss you enough and realize she wants you back. But don't sit around and wait for that, because you can't give up on life waiting for something that may never happen. This process is going to take some time, but it will get easier to get over this as time goes on.

And remember that SHE is going through the same things you are. SHE is just as heartbroken. And wanted it to work just as much as you, and experiencing the same gut wrenching pain. Yes I know, it was her decision, but sometimes a person decides that it is better to break up then continue inan unhealthy relationship. Unhealthy for her in that she was losing her identity. Now she wants to take care of herself, because she decided that she is more important than you. She may still love you, but too much has happened and she probably thinks it is too late to fix it. She just doesn't want to take that chance again. The time has past.. And if you truly love her, then make it easier for her and let her go. It's what she wants, now you have to start taking care of yourself.

Well, this upcoming weekend will be a month. She's ready to come over on Saturday to get the rest of her things and take care of our joint affairs. I've been doing much better lately but still have many ups & downs... I feel like this weekend will be the last time I'll have a chance to talk with her and I'm a little unsure how I should handle it.
For the most part we've both been taking the N/C approach. I do want to make things easy on her and just let her go, and not make this event any more painful than it needs to be!
But a part of me also wants to make sure she knows exactly how I feel and to kind of leave the door open for a future reconciliation, however slim those hopes may be.
I will move on! And I know eventually I'll be okay. But I just hope that if she ever has a change of heart, that she won't let pride get in the way of relaying her feelings. Because I honestly feel that if we ever tried again things would be so much better, as we both now see where we went wrong. And an open line of communication would do wonders.
I know we both still love each other. Things just don't seem workable any longer.but that could change.. although the possibility may be slim!

So, I'm just hoping for some advise on how to handle what may be our final conversation.
I want to put her first, and keep her feelings in mind. While also conveying mine. And just not screw this up... and leave things on a positive note.

Any help would be much appreciated... as you all have done so much for me already!
Thank you in advance!!

Its not going to be easy.. for the remainder of the week you'll be thinking of things to say, how to say it and it will go around like a revolving door in your head. You'll imagine scenarios and outcomes that are the most favourable and what deep down you most desire.

Reality check. Eventually yes you will be OK but where you feel a little more comfortable now.. re read your previous post because you'll go back to square one.. IF.. you don't take precautions for you.. now.

Positive note ending 'hi.. here's your things, hope you're well, take care'.
Negative note ending 'hi, please don't go, I love you, I don't want you to leave, we can work this out... '

Besides its been a month and if you both knew during this month where you both went wrong.. the open lines of communication and 'working things out' would have happened already.

Good luck for the weekend, I sincerely hope it goes well, keep us updated. :cool:

OK here goes. I believe that you see this weekend as your "last chance" to get her back. You see the two of you walking around your place and talking and both of you crying. You play this in your mind like a movie and you see her wrapping her arms around you and telling you that she loves and misses you and decided to try and work things out. You both kiss passionately and live happily ever after.. THE END. But deep down you know that's not going to happen. So, and this is the really difficult part, do not leave the door open. Do not give her any reason to think you will wait for her. Do not act like you can't live without her and you will come back whenever she wants you. Just stick to the business at hand, tidy up all loose ends, and say goodbye to her and that's all. Listen, this is not going to be easy, but no matter what you do the result i8s going to be the same. She is not going to start up with you at this time. So you might as well act like a man and let her wonder if you have moved on.. Believe me if she ever wants you back, she will let you know. THere is no reason on earth to tell her you want to try again. Let her come to you, it really is your only chance. And if you're a really good actor, you will give her the impression you don't even care. "I;m kind of in a hurry so here's your things, I hope you have everything, and I guess I'l see you around. Goodbye".. Use your own words, but you get the idea. Good luck.

One more thing, I also think you SHOULD be there when she comes. You need closure in your mind, and the best way to get that is watch her walk out your door for the last time.

You have already had your last conversation,and it ended with 'its over'.

My advice is not to even be there when she comes over,have someone else let her in.

I doubt you will be able to control the emotions,if your thinking about leaving the door open,your not ready to see her or talk to her.

The only way for you to move forward,to heal, is to realise there is no going back,there is no one last chance or conversation,there is no future change of heart.

Its over.

Loose ends can be sorted through a solicitor.

The relationship is over.

Any contact at this stage unless it is absolutely necessary will not serve you.

I have to agree with Red here, and some of the others. As much as you want to pretend you being there when she comes over will serve some purpose, it will only serve to let your expectations of some unrealistic reconciliation come plummeting down.

The bottom line, it is over, for whatever reason. The best thing you can do is act like a man with dignity and class and handle this that way. No reason, absolutely NO reason to be there when she comes over. The way you handle yourself now will define how she sees you in the future. I'm not saying you will or will not ever "reconcile", but trust me, doing anything other than being well composed will hurt you. The only closure you need and that should be apparent is that she is coming to get the LAST of her stuff. Nuff said, it is over.

Good luck. Yes it hurts, but you really have to focus on what to do now about getting YOURSELF together.

Although I do agree with those that say do not be there when she comes this weekend, that way there is no chance of you breaking, I don't think there is a chance in hell that you can be that strong. So if you are going to be there, then at least make it short and unemotional. But I'm going to be completely honest from my own experience, I don't think it will matter at all whether you aren't there or you are there, or if you act like you don't care or you throw yourself at her feet and beg and cry and throw a tantrum, I think it is over. So why humiliate yourself. If there is any chance of that at all, then by all means make other arraingements for when she comes. Leave her things wihere she can just pick them up would be the best choice. Does she really have to get in the apartment? Probably not.

I want to make it a point that I don't think was clear in my original post. I'm not saying keep your composure in case she ever comes back, I'm saying keep your composure because it is needed. The easiest thing we do in these situations is to let our emotions get the best of us. Truth be told, there are a lot of awful situations in life we have to handle. Just trying to practice maintaining a calm demeanor in these situations can help us learn to make more rational decisions in the long run. I also doubt you will be able to control your emotions when she is there, so why put yourself in that situation? If you have any doubts, just avoid it altogether, as it isn't worth it.

Yeah, you guys are right. As the days pass. I realize more and more that it's just not worth it! She's moved on, so why can't I? Unfortunately that's my problem... WHY CAN'T I?? :( "this really sucks"

We have all been there and some are still asking that same question. There isn't any real answer or quick fix to get over a broken heart. Time will fix that break and you will eventually be able to answer your own question.

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Originally Posted by hopelesss

yeah, you guys are right. as the days pass. i realize more and more that it's just not worth it! she's moved on, so why can't i? unfortunately that's my problem... WHY CAN'T I??? :( "this really sucks"

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You can't move on because you don't think you will ever meet someone like her again. You are in panic mode. You feel like you blew your chance to be happy, and all you want to do is get another chance. You have to realize that this is normal behavior, and you WILL get over it in time. Just give yourself a break, and stop blaming yourself for everything. It takes TWO to make it work, and she doesn't want it, so you have to start believing YOU are not a priority in her life. So don't make her one in your life. Move on...

YOU are not a priority in her life. So don't make her one in your life. Move on...

Your right.. & I'm going to try and remind myself 'this' everyday until my heart catches up with my brain and realizes this is the truth!!

On the plus side, she called me tonight to discuss a bill. & I think I handled myself pretty good! I kept it very short, & only discussed the matters at hand. I even ended the conversation with an "alright then, let me get going". & I must say, it felt kind of good being in charge of when & how long the conversation would be. So I'll just take it as a step in the right direction.

Update:
Okay, so she's all moved out now. I went against what may have been better advice and chose to be here and help her pack everything and load the van. And I'm glad I did! Not because it changed the outcome of anything,(as obviously it didn't) but I feel like my goal was accomplished in that it gave me piece of mind; I thought it was the right thing to do; and I think we left on a positive note. I know, I suffer from nice guy syndrome and always like to leave a good last impression! I guess it's a gift and a curse. But anyway, I kept it very business like, just asking how I can help, then following accordingly. That is up until she was about to leave. Then I was overwhelmed with the need to ask her just two questions I had, to help me better understand how we got to this point. And I think I'm fortunate in that, like always, she tried her best to explain her feelings. And from what I read on some of these other posts, many people aren't that lucky. They get left with a bunch of questions and no answers. So now I'll just have to leave my future love life in fates hands and just take it day by day and let time do the healing. At least I know for certain where I went wrong and why she harbors such resentment towards me. And she really helped me understand her point of view.
I just wish there was a magic formula or something to help me get past this lonely/emptiness that has engulfed me. I really want to stop missing her! I know time is my only healer... I just wish it would hurry the heck up!
Anyway, THANKS for listening to my story & for all the advice and support!

p.s.
I'll never forget this site! And when I finally heal. I will check back in from time to time and hopefully be able to return the favor!

Glad to hear this. And I can tell you that I am going through the same thing. And I kept initiating contact for three months after the breakup, and all I did was take all the blame and promise to change, etc,etc. Well I finally had enough of that and gave up and stopped all contact. As time went on, I no longer took all the blame. Now I realize that I have much to offer someone, and I will never become so dependent on any one person again. I hope to fall in love again, but this time I won't allow my happiness to be solely in one persons' hands. Me ex hurt me beyond anything that I could have ever imagined, but that could never have happened if I had not looked to her for my only means of happiness. It's OK to have someone complete your life, but it's not OK to have that someone BE your whole life. And remember, you come into this life alone, and you will go out alone. So the only person you should ever really depend on to make you happy is yourself. Good luck to both of us.

Question... I know its different for everybody. But what's a general rule of thumb for when I might start feeling better about myself? I know they say you shouldn't start dating again until you find happiness within yourself and are comfortable being single again! I would just like to have something positive to look forward to. Even if it doesn't come to fruition. It was a three year relationship so what type of time frame could I be hopeful for?. any thoughts?

@beachloverjohn: yeah, amen to that brother... GOOD LUCK TO BOTH OF US!!

I really think time is of the essence here. You can't will yourself to be 'healed' it will just.. happen.

I personally believe you should give yourself a little more time, its only been a couple of weeks and only the past weekend since you said your final byes'.

Everyone is different. Just be certain in yourself when you do meet someone, it'd be ashame to think you might use someone as a rebound mechanism to 'see what if'.

@ mystific.. sorry if that came across wrong! I have no prospects at the moment. And have no aspirations of dating anytime soon. I'm just not ready... I was just wondering how long it took other people so I could have something positive to look forward to.. you know, kind of like the "fake it, till you make it" mind set.

I didn't mean to assume that you had prospects :) sorry!

Just everyone is different and different time scales obviously differ to how fast people are able to 'move on'. Reading through various posts people even 5+ years down the line still are emotionally attached to ex's for whatever reason.

Positivity is a state of mind and heart. It depends on what you involve yourself in, with and around. You can't fake anything, because then you'll just be deceiving yourself. Beachloverjohn is definitely your man for inspiration here, my own experiences of a recent breakup is on the other end of the scale...

But I sincerely hope you get the answers you need to appease the need to know.

It took me awhile, but that's mostly because I didn't force myself out of my own self pity. In reality, that's all this is, self pity. While we sit here and wonder how our heart can be so broken, there is life going on that we are refusing to acknowledge or live. Sure there is always a period of grief, but life goes on and the world keeps on turning. How long you want to watch it turn without you is the question.

After about two months of absolute grief, I decided to set goals for myself and became determined to overcome my current state of sadness. To be honest, breaking up was the best thing that happened to me. It forced me out of a comfort zone that, frankly, wasn't getting me where I needed to go in life.

As long as you make your healing about replacing your ex with another female, you will never heal.

If your busy rebuilding a life that you enjoy without someone who makes you happy, you will be healed, and ready for whatever life throws at you before you even know it.

You are responsible for your own happiness, not another human.