My girlfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago. The relationship lasted 3 years, at various stages she needed her space and said she felt claustrophobic. I duly gave her space and we got back together each time, usually after a couple of days I have often felt unloved at various times in the relationship, I could feel her pushing me away due to this claustrophobic feeling that built up in her.

We knew each other before we met up, here is the complicated bit! We were both married, her ex husband and my ex wife had a child together. I had separated from my wife and her husband left her with 3 children. After about 4 months of her husband leaving her we got together. There was no infidelity here, nor are we related, honest! 

During the 3 years we both went through divorce, her's much more amicable than mine, I went to court on many occasions over finance and finally for a court order for regular access to my son. We always supported each other throughout and very rarely argued.

We never lived together fully, I would stay 3-4 nights at her house sleeping over and most other nights there but not sleep over so it would not affect her benefits from the government..
So to the fateful Day 5 weeks ago where she tells me that she needs a proper break, obviously I am gutted but accept her wishes. She says she loves me but enough to commit to me and that it wasn't fair what she was doing to me. I have been through many emotions over the last 5 weeks, the loss of what I saw as a family, my son and hers were best friends and have known each other all of there lives, and generally the loss of what I saw as my life.

Now I can get over her I know I can and that takes time, however she doesn't seem to be able to let go of me properly. I have been round on say 5 or 6 occasions to her to see her children as I miss them very much, I take my son there so that he can see her children. I got to a point where I could only see it causing hurt to everybody, she would cry, I would leave feeling like crap and her children would want me to stay longer. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore and that I wanted it to stop for the reasons just outlined. She continued to text and I relented convincing myself I would be OK with in time and that it was best that my son could continue to see his best friend.

We have flights booked to all go on holiday in July, we haven't decided if we should go yet, I do have the option (which she is unaware of) to change the names and go with members of my family instead. I asked her the other day on the phone if she was dating anybody else, she said that she had been asked to go out for a drink and that she was considering it, she said she liked the attention and felt flattered by it. I was calm and said if that is what you want to do that is fine. She then texted the next day saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone, so I assume she declined the offer.

She still texts but seems to love the control of dropping the conversation and leaving it until the next day. I have asked her why she texts and her answer was because she cannot let go of me fully and that she worries for me and the children. So basically I get very mixed signals, or perhaps I just read it that way!

My problem is that I can get over her and move on with time but I will feel guilty with NC because of the children. Any comments and help would be appreciated. Thanks and sorry for the long post.

Could you arrange days when you could drop the kids off and pick them up without seeing her?

She could do the same. Drop the children off at your place and pick them up without having to see you.

Kikat22

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately that would always mean some form of contact, i.e. texting to arrange etc. We both haveother comittments with out children and time so it could never be a fixed time on a fixed day really.

As a side issue, I assume from my initial post that she keeps me hanging on as a backup plan, in case she decides she made a mistake and later regrets her decision.

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Originally Posted by Tired10

Kikat22

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately that would always mean some form of contact, ie texting to arrange etc. We both haveother comittments with out children and time so it could never be a fixed time on a fixed day really.

As a side issue, I assume from my initial post that she keeps me hanging on as a backup plan, incase she decides she made a mistake and later regrets her decision.

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Don't let her do that to you. Maybe it would be better to have a liaison to handle the children visiting. If it doesn't work as sad as it is you may have to give up seeing those poor children. Your child will be hurt also but in time maybe you'll see it's the best way.

If there is no future with this woman... then eventually you'll move on and your child and hers will also have to move on. It is a terrible thing for children to lose someone they love, but if you can find someone who will arrange the visitation for both of you.. then try it. You won't have to see her or talk to her and vice versa. Good Luck

I think that maybe for my sanity that I should just cut ties completely, but at this time I do not feel strong enough to do it. As you say it is hard for the children but after all they are not my children, although I treated them all like my own.

I know that she is unhappy and not sleeping and also drinking quite a lot and has said that at times she has resented the children since our split. She is also undertaking a counselling and psychotherapy course which I believe messes with her head. She is confused and says that she is lost but at no point has said she was wrong in her decision. She just texted me again... after leaving texts for 24 hours, am I OK? I think I know what I need to do but also find it hard to let go too.

I'm curious, how old are the kids?

4, 7, 9

My son is 9

What makes you so curious?

Well, if they're old enough to use the phone, they could call and talk to each other just the same way friends do. When I was younger my friends and I would call each other and ask if the other person would like to play. Then it was up to us to ask the parents if that was OK. You know what I mean? It wouldn't be the end of the world if the kids didn't see each other anymore, although it would be hard for them. Kids always make new friends, but if you're concerned about them being able to spend time together, you shouldn't have to talk to your ex. Let the kids put in the effort.

Thank you for your response ZoeMarie

Well as my son doesn't live with me and also there respective ages, I do not think it would be practical and we would always end up getting involved.

I just replied to her latest text asking if I was OK, by simply saying I am fine thanks, and her reply was I may as well have just said F*** Off! 1st ever crossed words since our split.

Wow. Yeah, maybe it's best just to cut all ties.

Are the ex's still involved with each other (besides being parents)? If so that takes care of the children aspect of the relationship.

You don't owe her anything including updates on how you are doing. Cut all ties with her and her children. Give yourself time to heal and then, when you are ready, to find someone who doesn't have any ties to your past.

Well it was a bit naughty of me, I would usually at least ask how she was as well! I guess if you push someone away then she should expect to get pushed back a little herself from time to time. Yes I know it was a little childish, but a drop in the ocean to the feeling of loss I feel.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Are the ex's still involved with each other (besides being parents)? If so that takes care of the children aspect of the relationship.

You don't owe her anything including updates on how you are doing. Cut all ties with her and her children. Give yourself time to heal and then, when you are ready, to find someone who doesn't have any ties to your past.

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Not quite sure what you mean re: ex's involved with each other? Her ex husband still see's her 3 children. My ex wife has custody of my son.

You are prob right that I don't owe her anything, My problem is I am too soft and that is something I have to sort out for the future. I guess I put myself in this weak position time and time again.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Are the ex's still involved with each other (besides being parents)? If so that takes care of the children aspect of the relationship.

You don't owe her anything including updates on how you are doing. Cut all ties with her and her children. Give yourself time to heal and then, when you are ready, to find someone who doesn't have any ties to your past.

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Ah maybe I know what you mean. The ex's are not involved with each other, they had a child together who is now 19 years old, so a long time ago.

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Originally Posted by Tired10

Ah maybe I know what you mean. The ex's are not involved with each other, they had a child together who is now 19 years old, so a long time ago.

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I was confused on the timeline.

It's tough, but I think you would be better off to go NC and try to move on without her.

Healing from a breakup is hard enough, but when you continue texting and calling it just makes it almost impossible to completely break away from.

Cat1864

No worries I get confused myself with who's who to who!

Devorameira

So I should just accept it's over, get out of denial, forget the children's friendships and my own bonds with them and go NC. I guess the chances of her in reality coming back and all of a sudden saying she loves me to bits, can commit to me and actually being the case are quite minimal.

It's obvious that you know the relationship is really over.

It's always tough when there are children involved. If you could have someone do the arranging, then maybe you could have someone pick up her kids and bring them to your house to visit occasionally. At least that way you'd avoid the contact.

When a relationship comes to an end, it doesn't necessarily mean that each party handles the emotions and aftermath in the same way.

Perhaps she really is concerned about you, just as a human being, and she too does not want to see the friendships between the children come to an end, and I agree with that. Why should the kids pay.

It is easy to see mixed emotions come from all angles, and all the people involved. Maybe it is time to simplify things and put a few boundaries in place, so that everyone is comfortble.

When you have visitation with your son, arrange a play date, either at your home, or her home, for a specific amount of hours. Switch each time, and other than saying hello and goodbye, I see no reason why you have to stick around. Tell the other children when they want you to stay, that you have errands to run.

It may take her longer than you to cut ties emotionally, but I get the impression that she thinks the relationship is also over. So let that part be, and let it go. Try not to wonder if what she says means more than just a friendly hello.

If the goal is for the sake of the children, concentrate on that, and don't stick around while her emotions are so close to the surface.

As to the trip, be straight up about that, and suggest it might be a good idea for you to substitute family members. Don't wait for her to decide what to do, and should she decide to go, that puts everyone in a position of compromising- most likely beyond their comfort levels.

Be cordial and polite, but be careful not to get back into thinking there may be a future here. Consider it over, except for the children's sake.

Devorameira & Jake2008

Thank you for your advice. It has taken me some time and a lot of pain to realise that things are more than likely over between us. For me things in relationships are very black and white, either I want to be with someone or I don't. Whilst she has made it clear that she does not want a relationship with me, she should just leave me alone at least enough time for me heal my wounds and then consider the children. It would appear she see's me as an emotional crutch, telling me of her poor state of mind, her general problems, whilst at the same time more than likely texting the replacement! I find it quite sad and selfish that someone can act in this way. I will sort out the holiday issue with her, I know she will become very upset, as will she with the no contact/boundaries.

With regards to the children I cannot really see it working out long term anyway, she will meet someone new as will I, I very much doubt that any new partner would take to the situation very well, seeing as there are no blood lines involved here.

All of you should be in No Contact, to heal, and move on to the next great adventure. Its hard, but will get better.

I have to spread some rep talaniman but I agree wholeheartedly with you.

I think you should break ties all around. It will eventually get better for you and the kids. Tell her to stop calling and texting.
End it completely.

Thank you for your replies. An update:

I got a call today whilst I was on my home from picking my son up from school. I returned the call and it was her son on the phone asking of he could see my son, he is used to seeing him on Wednesday as that is my contact time. I said that we were having a bbq but would try and fit a quick visit in.

Well I duly went up after the bbq and dropped my son off, I said that I would leave him there as it thought was best. She looked hurt but said OK.

I returned to pick my son up and felt the need to explain to her where I was in my mind and also explain my not staying whilst my son was there. I explained that in order for me to heal properly etc that I could not be in contact with her as it was damaging my recovery and that I couildn't pretend we were a family anymore as it was clearly not the case after our break up. I said that I have no problem in letting the contact between our children to continue. I also said that she obviously see's me as emotional crutch and her contacting me was not only about the best for the children, I said her actions were selfish. She agreed with everything I said and said she understood,

I have been feeling pretty positive for the last couple of days and in a position where I accepted the fact we were together no more, I told her this.

She subsequently broke down and said that she was a mess and unable to sleep, think etc. She had tried to get over me but was unable to, going out etc when she could.

She said she loves me and was so scared she had made the wrong decision, and wanted her mind to be back where it was when we were together BUT was afraid of hurting me again and that she can see me with someone else being very happy and that the thought of this is tearing her apart.

After a reasonably long discussion of how bad she feels and her state of mind I felt sorry for her of course. I asked if she thinks she is depressed (she has been on medication once previously during our relationship), she said that she thinks she is and that she cannot face going to the doctor.

I told her that she must and that if she wanted to talk to me at anytime about it that I would always listen to her, I emphasised that me listening would be for the right reason i.e. not to use at as a way to get her back, I do really mean that. I am incredibly worried for her present state of mind and for her children.

I did intend to tell her that I could not go on our planned holiday together but felt at this point it would destroy her.

I still feel OK in myself, I am not moping around and kind of had an inkling that she was at this crisis point anyway, although she tried to discguise it.

As I feel strong in myself still, I feel that maybe I can help her in some way if only by listening to her. I still realise that at this point out relationship is over, however I am not the type of person to kick somebody when they need help and support, especially when children are involved.

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Originally Posted by Tired10

Thank you for your replies. An update:

I got a call today whilst I was on my home from picking my son up from school. I returned the call and it was her son on the phone asking of he could see my son, he is used to seeing him on wednesday as that is my contact time. I said that we were having a bbq but would try and fit a quick visit in.

Well I duly went up after the bbq and dropped my son off, I said that I would leave him there as it thought was best. She looked hurt but said ok.

I returned to pick my son up and felt the need to explain to her where I was in my mind and also explain my not staying whilst my son was there. I explained that in order for me to heal properly etc that I could not be in contact with her as it was damaging my recovery and that I couildn't pretend we were a family anymore as it was clearly not the case after our break up. I said that I have no problem in letting the contact between our children to continue. I also said that she obviously see's me as emotional crutch and her contacting me was not only about the best for the children, I said her actions were selfish. She agreed with everything I said and said she understood,

I have been feeling pretty positive for the last couple of days and in a position where I accepted the fact we were together no more, I told her this.

She subsequently broke down and said that she was a mess and unable to sleep, think etc. She had tried to get over me but was unable to, going out etc when she could.

She said she loves me and was so scared she had made the wrong decision, and wanted her mind to be back where it was when we were together BUT was afraid of hurting me again and that she can see me with someone else being very happy and that the thought of this is tearing her apart.

After a reasonably long discussion of how bad she feels and her state of mind I felt sorry for her of course. I asked if she thinks she is depressed (she has been on medication once previously during our relationship), she said that she thinks she is and that she cannot face going to the doctor.

I told her that she must and that if she wanted to talk to me at anytime about it that I would always listen to her, I emphasised that me listening would be for the right reason ie not to use at as a way to get her back, I do really mean that. I am incredibly worried for her present state of mind and for her children.

I did intend to tell her that I could not go on our planned holiday together but felt at this point it would destroy her.

I still feel ok in myself, I am not moping around and kind of had an inkling that she was at this crisis point anyway, although she tried to discguise it.

As I feel strong in myself still, I feel that maybe I can help her in some way if only by listening to her. I still realise that at this point out relationship is over, however I am not the type of person to kick somebody when they need help and support, especially when children are involved.

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The only way you can help her is by making her see a doctor. If she doesn't try to help herself, then you don't have a chance at helping her yourself. Do you still love this woman?

Kitkat22

That is a fair point about seeing a doctor, I asked her 3 weeks ago in text to promise to see one, her reply was 'we shall see'. I guess at this point she thought could get herself under control.

As for loving her, yes of course I do, I can't just flick a switch and turn my love off after 5 weeks. I suppose the strength that I display may come across as not loving her anymore. When in fact has come from family and friends, and doing new things with friends I had lost contact with and are in fact some of the best friends one could ever wish for.

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Originally Posted by Tired10

kitkat22

That is a fair point about seeing a doctor, I asked her 3 weeks ago in text to promise to see one, her reply was 'we shall see'. I guess at this point she thought could get herself under control.

As for loving her, yes of course I do, I can't just flick a switch and turn my love off after 5 weeks. I suppose the strength that I display may come across as not loving her anymore. When in fact has come from family and friends, and doing new things with friends I had lost contact with and are in fact some of the best friends one could ever wish for.

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I know what you mean about friends. I still am best friends with my High school friends and that was many years ago. How do your friends feel about her and does it matter how they feel?

I'm not being cynical, I just wish your relationship with this woman was
Worth saving. Love is a horrible thing sometimes... I truly think you can love and hate someone at the same time. Do you ever feel that way?
I think about your child and hers and think.. it's sad.. but if she is making your life miserable... you have to think of your own child and yourself first.

I hope you keep posting and I also hope you find peace in this situation. I know you have a good heart and it's been broken. Blessings

Thank for your reply once again, I shall continue my best to keep posting updates, not too often I am not obsessive! well I don't think I am!

My friends that know here think that she is a nice, funny, lovely warm person and that it's a shame that we broke up. My family said the same at the time of the break, although now think that she has 'issues' and will always probably have them. They all of course want me to be happy and my family in patricular hate to see me upset and hurt, I show my feelings more to them. It does of course matter to me how they feel considering the great support they have given me, family and spending time with my family/girlfriend in a comfortable atmosphere is a must.

I felt some hate towards her at the weekend, I had been out drinking and returned home with these thoughts. Although woke up feeling better, my friends of course told me this was not the way to feel about her, but they understood, that's from what I remember anyway!

My relationship with my son did suffer for a short while, I was tense with him and unable to think clearly. All is well now, I do realise he has to come 1st, crikey I spent three years trying to get increased/defined contact with him.

She is no longer making me feel miserable, something changed within me over the last 4 days. I cannot try and tell you that I am completely in control over my feelings for her, but I am a million miles away from where I was 5 weeks ago.

I guess that's the question is the relationship worth saving, at this point I am not sure, do I need/want someone who on the positive side will need so much time and support and 'may' work out, or alternatively someone who will screw with my head forever if I let it go on ad infinitum.

You have to be very direct, and be busy, and unavailable to them all. Sorry guy, but until you get healing, and contact will only add to the confusion, misery, and pain. You can want to be there and help her, but you are not qualified, and she has to deal with her own issues. Its tough now, but you never know how much better things will be after a proper healing, and I mean that by all of you.

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Originally Posted by Tired10

Thank for your reply once again, I shall continue my best to keep posting updates, not too often I am not obsessive!, well i don't think I am!

My friends that know here think that she is a nice, funny, lovely warm person and that it's a shame that we broke up. My family said the same at the time of the break, although now think that she has 'issues' and will always probably have them. They all of course want me to be happy and my family in patricular hate to see me upset and hurt, I show my feelings more to them. It does of course matter to me how they feel considering the great support they have given me, family and spending time with my family/girlfriend in a comfortable atmosphere is a must.

I felt some hate towards her at the weekend, i had been out drinking and returned home with these thoughts. although woke up feeling better, my friends of course told me this was not the way to feel about her, but they understood, that's from what I remember anyway!

My relationship with my son did suffer for a short while, I was tense with him and unable to think clearly. All is well now, I do realise he has to come 1st, crikey i spent three years trying to get increased/defined contact with him.

She is no longer making me feel miserable, something changed within me over the last 4 days. I cannot try and tell you that I am completely in control over my feelings for her, but I am a million miles away from where I was 5 weeks ago.

I guess that's the question is the relationship worth saving, at this point I am not sure, do I need/want someone who on the positive side will need so much time and support and 'may' work out, or alternatively someone who will screw with my head forever if I let it go on ad infinitum.

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What you need is to keep feeling as you do now. You are happier and you must have regained some of yourself confidence. It isn't up to you to make her happy if it makes you and your son miserable. I think in time there will be another woman in your life and you'll know it. Just don't fall into the trap of a rebound relationship.. they rarely work.

You cherish that little boy, I can detect that when you speak of him. That's very wonderful you have such a good relationship with him. I just know you're going to get over this and you need too. You are well on your way. Your son will be there when no one is. When you get lonely just think of the things you have to be thankful for. This relationship with your son will keep you afloat and so will your friends and family. Don't get drawn back in if you are sure you don't want to be with her and I honestly think the reason your eyes are open about her is because you are relieved to be out of such a toxic relationship.

Don't feel guilty... you have no reason to feel that! Good Luck

talaniman

So in essence walk away?

Kitkat22

Yes I think you are right, I have regained myself confidence. I of course love my son to bits and indeed have a great relationship with him, I appreciate you saying that he will be of great comfort to me.

I have wondered if my strength has come from reflection upon the relationship and it's toxicity, I am not quite in touch with my view of it enough to see it that way, or maybe I mask it foolishly in my mind.

As for a new woman, I am done with them, es! Seriously I am only joking. I am no doubt I could find somebody else that would make me happier, we had a LOT of truly great, funny, special moments and went through so much together. However I have to accept it's over and that it was just another cycle in my life.

I do feel guilty, I know I shouldn't. I am not responsible for the way she is.

It's all such a shame, but I guess it's the reality of life.

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Originally Posted by Tired10

Kitkat22

Yes I think you are right, I have regained my self confidence. I of course love my son to bits and indeed have a great relationship with him, I appreciate you saying that he will be of great comfort to me.

I have wondered if my strength has come from reflection upon the relationship and it's toxicity, I am not quite in touch with my view of it enough to see it that way, or maybe I mask it foolishly in my mind.

As for a new woman, I am done with them, es! Seriously I am only joking. I am no doubt I could find somebody else that would make me happier, we had a LOT of truly great, funny, special moments and went through so much together. However I have to accept it's over and that it was just another cycle in my life.

I do feel guilty, I know I shouldn't. I am not responsible for the way she is.

It's all such a shame, but I guess it's the reality of life.

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No you are not to blame and you shouldn't feel guilty, even though it is part of a process. Remember the happy times and who knows what will happen down the road. Don't put your life on hold... be happy and God Bless you and that precious little boy.

Well here is a little update:

She still continues to text and I continue to reply, yes I am a fool maybe!

She asked to see me to talk about the holiday we had planned. She said that we should go away still and that the children deserve it, oh and also that it may just get us back together. I thought at this point she was laying on the guilt, oh and trying to instill some false hope.

Hmmm I thought, so I said that it wouldn't help anybody if we went. At this point she said you may as well leave then, Which I did after about 10minutes. Her manner was very different from when she broke down the evening before, kind of emotionless, cold and distant. I pointed this out to her and she said all she was trying to do was cope.

Anyway I have left it there for now, she still continues to text and erm I continue to reply, silly me I keep getting drawn back in.

As for how I feel, I am OK, eating well, sleeping well, and going to the gym, seeing friends etc, oh and not upset anymore, but still taking the bait :eek:

Well.. seems as though she is having a hard time letting go. How do you feel about no contact at all?

In another post someone said if it is over... then your children have to accept that sooner or later.

I think ,since you are happy and you're getting your life back together that should tell you something.

Do you or have you ever thought of marriage with this woman? I honestly think you were both going through a horrible time and you found solace in that.

Two divorces... neither of you were at fault.. both of your spouses cheated your wife with her husband.

Comforting each other turned into more than friendship and now you are over the pain of the divorce. She probably is too.

She is afraid to be alone and maybe that's why she keeps wanting you back. You are stronger.

I wish and hope after all is said and done you can remain friends and so can your children.

I think I would ask her not to text or call you anymore. It will be hard to do that but she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

She is scared because there has always been a man in her life. Only an opinion but I did think about this yesterday and I hope it helps... Blessings... Kit

Thank you for your response Kitkat22.

I just need to clarify one point here, not that it makes a huge difference.

Neither of us were cheated on in our marriages. My ex wife and her ex husband had a child 19 years ago. The split in our respective marriages was nothing to do with the two of them being together, far from it!

I am a little tainted from marriage and so is she, I believe we were both in agreement that there was no immediate need for marriage, our respective marriages only officially ended mid last year.

I have asked her if her not getting me out of her head is just simply the loneliness of me not being there, she says not and that she has occupied herself and still cannot stop thinking about me, but maybe it is more the security of me being around and that she feels vulnerable without me.

The no contact bothers me for some reason, I cannot quite sort out in my mind if it truly for the love of the children or if I still want it to be right between us, I suspect it is a bit of both if I am honest. So that puts me at this moment in time in the same place as her, i.e. not being able to quite let go. Whilst I do think about her it does not drive me insane nor does it make me sad, honest! The family aspect is however painful.

Maybe you are correct that her attachment is simply because she is scared to be on her own, after all she did end the relationship and I am sure she did not do that lightly, she would have thought it through for some time and at no point has she been knocking my door down begging forgiveness and saying we should be together forever.

I know that she is a very needy person and in my opinion she attracts needy friends that can be quite transient, she has something about her that can attract friends easily but they never seem long term devout friends, odd really. Anyway not quite sure why I added that bit.

Not sure where this will end, but My head tells me it won't be with the two of us together forever :)

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She says she loves me but enough to commit to me and that it wasn’t fair what she was doing to me. I have been through many emotions over the last 5 weeks, the loss of what I saw as a family,

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I think when you both have had time to cope with whatever feelings that have you confused as to what you want from each other, then maybe friendship can be possible. But no one knows how long that will take, no one. Its only been 5 weeks so hang in there.

It takes time. Both of you are trying to get the other out of your systems.
It takes longer for one person than another, but it will happen.
I think both of you know that you are not right for each other but it does not make it any easier to let go.

Thank you for the replies.

She called me by 'accident' on Friday Evening, it was a short conversation. We continued to text after that through Saturday, culminating in me spending most of yesterday with her and all of the children. I asked if she was still confused about things as she seemed to be a brighter in herself, she said that we should both look to move on from this, I was fine and excepted that, no dramatics or hysterics.

I stayed a while longer and then left with my son as we had to be elsewhere. She started crying as we left.

I am still OK about all of this and have maybe realised as somebody has already pointed out I probably started to see that the relationship as it was, was 'toxic'. I think I had started to pity her and think that as she is, she will never be able to give what the other wants in a relationship unless she changes in some way significantly. It's sad to think of someone whom will probably never be able to give and commit there love to another.

I have just read another post on here that sums it up rather well.

"Sometimes to a person who is so needy, the relationship is very much one sided in that, they are not in a position to offer of themselves, what they have come to accept, and expect from you."

The relationship was of course one sided and she controlled and manipulated to suit her needs, I am just sorry that I allowed that to go on. I guess she is emotionally damaged from her split/divorce, we got together only 4 months after she had separated from a 12 year marriage, too early!

Tired.. Good Morning.. Do you know what strikes me the most about you? You are very honest in the way you feel about this situation. That's very good.

I do agree with Talinaman.. Maybe someday you can be friends and it's good you have come to the conclusion there will be no marriage for you two.

It's as homegirl said.. it sometimes takes one longer than the other to get a relationship out of their system.

I do think you're doing the right thing. You are being a gentleman
About this and that's very good of you.

It's time to move on. You two will gradually drift further and further apart and you will finally be able to say; It's over and I don't have any reason to feel guilty.

You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders, but I will warn you of this. Even though your children are close and want to spend time together, DO NOt let her manipulate you by using this as an excuse to keep this going.

My thoughs and prayers are with both of you and your children..
Good Luck and please, let us know how things turn out... Kit

Kitkat22

Once again thank you for your words, oh and especially the kind ones too!

My realisation of how things were came from reading various things on the internet, the advice on here for instance and also what she says herself. I think she knows that she has issues with relationships now, she is so mad with herself that she can't make that leap in commitment, although in this instance it would now need a lot more than that.

I do not think that she will let things drift, too many lonely nights with too much wine to hand! :D Unless she meets someone else but that same cycle will repeat unless she can change, I think she needs to be alone for some time in order to do that.

It's all weird really when I look at it, how I was on the edge for some weeks and now feel fine & that I still see her.

It does make me sad still for the children but I am in a place where I can cope with that contact, I don't see it as a major issue.

I think what will make that difference in us moving further apart is me maybe distancing myself more and more, or one of us meeting someone else. I am in no rush right now, although I have my urges :) Sorry but you said honesty is the best policy!