Entire story merged to get all the facts

First off I am an african american female. I asked my boyfriend of 9 months. Why he likes me, and he said he didn't know; he just likes me for me. Then he told me to ask him again later. Now he has told me he loves me before, but hardly ever compliments me on my beauty. When we met he always talked about women that he has dated in the past and associated lightskin with beautiful all the time. He would say stuff like " she was lightskin and fine". He also said he didn't want to date lightskin women because they are too much trouble. I asked him about the color issue before, and asked him to stop talking like that as if lightskin was the only beautiful there is. So, he stopped. So far I have seen 2 of his his past gf's and they were both very fair-skinned. I am a brown tone, so that's why I asked why he likes me.
So I'm a little stumped. Does he really think I'm special; or just not too much trouble. I am a little bothered, but I'm not sure if its because of my own insecurities or not. Would like some other opinions, thanks.

Stop over thinking this god.

He is with you yeah? OK.

You know what I tell my girlfriend. I don't date blonds because they are insane.. now my view I love the way the look. They are really sexy to me.. but nearly all the ones I met are just not my typ.
A lot of my Xs are much more (Pretty) than she is?
Does it matter? Not at all
Because I am with her

She has darkhair. And of latin blood and I love her to bits :)

You think she calls me Hair Coloriest? Or tells me to stop.

I'm sure he loves being with you. And yeah you are probable a lot les trouble than the so called lightskins.
But that's not a bad thing.
That's a good thing!

Get off the color horse ;) and get back down to reality and stop feeling so : insecure.

I really think this world has gone way Political correctness mad!

Quote:

---

I am a little bothered, but I'm not sure if its because of my own insecurities or not. Would like some other opinions, thanks.

---

Deal with the insecurities so you can enjoy the guy.

I have been dating & living with this guy for about 8 months. He is financially stable and I am not. I have serious financial problems and he knows it. We got in an argument last night and he again told me that if I want to leave that I can, in the middle of the argument. He said it a few times. I am so hurt by this , and don't know what to do. He knows my situtation and I feel he is using it against me. I want to talk, but I don't feel comfortable trying to talk to someone who has told me that I can leave. I'm 28 and I don't want to go back home to my parents. The only thing available for me is a dingy basement & the embarrassment of being 28 and living at home.

I am really upset over this situation because all of this was mostly over him still talking to his ex- girlfriend. He knows I hate it and he has been doing it since we first got together. That situation caused drama in the beginning. I'm not perfect but there are certain things that I feel that a boyfriend should not do if they care about the person they are with.

I just can't believe how cold he is being to me, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Any opinions would be appreciated, thanks!

Hello Kia,

I am in the similar situation as yours, but I am a guy... my girl and I were together for 3 yrs, and she just left everything because she still has feelings for her ex and my problems added to the fire and I am going through a hard break up... My sincere advise to you is, talk to him and ask him to be very frank about what he thinks about the relationship. If you compromise and think that things might get better with time, it will only worsen the situation, that's exactly what I did may be, I was afraid to talk to her about her ex and used to get very upset and angry about that issue and even scolded her harshly. All that anger by me, my words, acted against me and she slowly staarted thinking about only the bad things about me, even though I looked after her like an angel.So, its very important that you both sit and talk openly and be very frank to each other and take a good decision. It might be hard for you, but please don't compromise...

I think you need to consider HOW he is talking to his ex-girlfriend. Just to put things into context, he's been with you for 8 months and has been doing this the whole time. Do you have any reason to believe he is being dishonest? Who initiated the break-up?

When we were first dating, I got a phone call from her saying how he was living with her and she just kicked him out, and how he's shady and nasty, and she just found out about me and other women, blah blah...
Basically badmouthing him and calling him a dog.
HE told me that they were together but she was cheating so he didn't say anything and went out & met me. Then he told her he had met me & she got upset. He said he never lived with her; just stayed with her 2-3 times out of the week. He complained to me about how horrible she was for about a month after.

So, since then about 10 months ago, he still calls her. He always has a different excuse( I owe her money, we're not friends, but not enemies, I told her about you, etc.)

My point is if you hate her so much ,and also what she did( calling me & stuff), why are you still talking to her? You know it hurts my feelings, but you continue. He even lied & told me he was going to stop talking to her.

His response is either nothing, or trying to bring up things about me he THINKS I've done & calling me shady for no reason. He also always talks about how he comes home all of the time & he doesn't go out like that, that he's not charging me rent..
But when I see that you are still calling this SAME chick & another chick walked through the door with her own key( another story in itself) , what am I supposed to think?

Now, when we argue he tells me I can go if I want. I yelled at him that I was trying to talk about our relationship, not saying I was leaving. But the fact that he kept saying that has really hit a cord with me; making me feel unwanted altogether...

hey Kia. I'm sorry but this guy really sounds like he could not care less about you

you have told him how you feel about him contacting his X yet he says nothng and does nothing to address your feelings.

He is selfish in this matter. And does not care if you stay or go
why.. because he probable has the X to fall back on if you leave.

If I was you. I would move out. And go to your mom and dads place. Until you get back on your feet
come on. Not all of us are stayble 100% of the time.
and when we are not. We don't need all this crap going on.

reduce the pain and leave him girl.
you have tried talking to him. He does not care
you have tried to be understanding
it does not work.

So you have 3 options
1. stay with him. And put up with all this crap and don't say anything. Because it won't do you no good

3. stay with him because you are scared to be alone

4.Leave him, find your own feet and move on and find someone that will listen to you and gives you the love that you want and need

all the best

Kia you need to put your cards out on the table and have a very open talk with your boyfriend about all the stuff in your post.

It sounds that you maybe with a bit of a player, that he feels he can treat you any way he wants because he knows that you have no place to go.

Family is one of the most important things in our lives and if you have a good relationship with your parents there really is no shame in moving back into there house why you get back on your feet, you just have to rememeber to live by there house rules.

But I really do feel that you need to have a good long talk with this person and makes your moves from that.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

When we were first dating, I got a phone call from her saying how he was living with her and she just kicked him out, and how he's shady and nasty, and she just found out about me and other women, blah blah...
Basically badmouthing him and calling him a dog.
HE told me that they were together but she was cheating so he didn't say anything and went out & met me. Then he told her he had met me & she got upset. He said he never lived with her; just stayed with her 2-3 times out of the week. He complained to me about how horrible she was for about a month after.

So, since then about 10 mos ago, he still calls her. He always has a different excuse( I owe her money, we're not friends, but not enemies, I told her about you, etc.)

My point is if you hate her so much ,and also what she did( calling me & stuff), why are you still talking to her? You know it hurts my feelings, but you continue. He even lied & told me he was going to stop talking to her.

His response is either nothing, or trying to bring up things about me he THINKS I've done & calling me shady for no reason. He also always talks about how he comes home all of the time & he doesn't go out like that, that he's not charging me rent..
but when I see that you are still calling this SAME chick & another chick walked through the door with her own key( another story in itself) , what am I supposed to think?!

Now, when we argue he tells me I can go if I want. I yelled at him that I was trying to talk about our relationship, not saying I was leaving. But the fact that he kept saying that has really hit a cord with me; making me feel unwanted altogether...

---

I don't think this guy knows how to have a healthy relationship and it sounds like you were and still are giving him a lot of benefit of the doubt, perhaps TOO much.

If you are having financial difficulties, maybe you do need to move back home and get yourself back on your feet. Lay low get your life back together, move back out when you can live on your own and not be dependent upon someone else. You have talked yourself into being dependent on this man and you have given away any hand you will ever have in this relationship.

You are letting him treat you as insignificant and you are going to feel that way if you continue to allow him to treat you as such. You need time to focus on you, your life isn't about him.

I don't believe that his relationship with his ex is an issue, but the way he is responding to your concerns is an issue. Not to mention the another women with a key to the apartment issue that you didn't elaborate on. Take care of you.

Would you rather be embarrassed by living at home with your parents, while you regroup, or keep putting up with his crap. It's that simple.

My boyfriend never compliments me on anything. I'm starting to feel insecure about myself. We've been living together for a year, and he has complimented me ( with a little push) only twice. Ive said something about it maybe once, but I don't want to be the woman who seems insecure and needy. But... I do feel it. What should I do?

In his defense, maybe he doesn't realize he is supposed to be doing this. I mean he moved in with you so I assume he must have some pretty deep feelings for you. You say your starting to feel insecure, but that's your problem. He's not putting you down, so how you choose to feel is not dependent upon his kind words.

Can not say it any better then Chuff.

He moved in with you. That is a major sign right there. Positive sign and together for a year.

Let me ask you a question? Do you ever give him any compliments?

I guess not really, but that is because he used o talk about himself a lot in the beginning and kind of say stuff like " don't I look good today?" Or " I am a handsome man aren't I!" That's why even if I think I might want to complment him & I think twice because I feel he already compliments himself in his head enough. So, I've been waiting to here something nice about me, but it never comes. Or the two times it did come I had to ask him first to see if he liked something about my hair, or something fitting on me

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

because he used o talk about himself alot in the beginning and kind of say stuff like " don't I look good today?" Or " I am a handsome man aren't I!"

---

Was he joking? Because I say stuff like this all the time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

Thats why even if I think I might want to complment him & I think twice because I feel he already compliments himself in his head enough.

---

I can't believe I'm going to say this. If he's joking, joke back with him. When he says "do I look good today?" say back to him, "not yet, but the day's not over" or something similar.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

So, I've been waiting to here something nice about me, but it never comes. Or the two times it did come I had to ask him first to see if he liked something about my hair, or something fitting on me

---

So he's like every guy?

If you want him to do this, the only way is to tell him. But even then it doesn't sound like his nature so I don't see permanent change. I understand your point, but we see posts here from girls who are verbally abused, their guys run them down and make them feel like crap. Your guy isn't doing any of that. Your lack of complments from him is giving you a false sense of insecurity. Don't fall for it and blame him for something he doesn't even know he's at fault for?

If you have insecurity problems they are yours to deal with, do so.

Okay, so I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. The living together part was pretty premature, and we have had a lot of issues, but we are still going at it. I love him & has said that he loves me. Anyway, I told him that I wanted to come to his job and have lunch/ take him out etc. He said he may be too busy today, and I understand due to the nature of his job. But he said something that I wanted to ask others opinions about. He said we have been "dating" for a year and I have never asked to come to his job.

The term "dating" seems so casual to me since we are living together. We don't talk about marriage or anything and I am not ready anyway. But that terminology seems so funny to me. Am I overreacting?

Also, there is this chick that he flirt texts a lot at his job. He told me if I saw her I wouldn't be worried about anything; but I always see these texts where it looks like he is pursuing her. I don't understand. I want to confront him, but we argue so frequently that I have just been trying to be relatively peaceful. But, I do have this question in my mind. It was one of the reasons that I wanted to stop by his job for lunch so I can see who this chick is. So... with all of this am I being silly; or should I try to confront these issues.

Avoiding confrontation is just going to build your fustration. If the two of you can work out your issues, then maybe it's better to go your separate ways. Relationships take hard work and both of you have to be able to answer the difficult questions.

On a side note, it seems more like you don't trust him. No trust, no relationship. And the more you accuse him of having an affair (when it's not true) the more you will push him away.

You have been together for 1 year, but your relationship sounds very unstable at the moment, so marriage isn't something close-by. 1 year is not as long as you think. You have to iron out your isseus first and have a stable relationship before considering marriage.

I think that the word: dating, in itself is used in several different ways... personally I would say that since you are living together you are a couple and you're no longer dating (of course this is my personal opinion) in order to be a couple the people involved has to have a mutual agreement in place that they are a couple. (of course this is how I see it)

With that said...

As for the girl, it really depends on his personality as well has your relationship.

Does he have a flirtatious personality?

Also all couples define their limits in different ways. Some thinks its OK for their partner to dance with other people if their out, some thinks its okay for thair partner to flirt but not act on it... etc etc.

If you are uncomfortable with his flirtatious behavior towards this girl, even if he tells you that you wouldn't be worried about it if you ever saw/met her... it still seems to me from your OP that this behavior makes you uncomfortable and that there is a level of mistrust towards him...

And it seems like it might be a good idea to have a chat about it. Of course there are different ways to have a chat like that... but it seems like its better for you to have that talk, rather then avoid that talk.

I really feel that you are EXTREMELY insecure in the way you handle this relationship... to let a term like "dating" make you wonder is a huge problem to me.

I almost feel, and I could be wrong, that you are searching for ways to distrust him... that is no way to do things. Why can't you just enjoy what you have without turning a speed bump into a cliff?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

I want to confront him, but we argue so frequently that I have just been trying to be relatively peaceful.

---

That says it all to me. You can't even talk openly about the things that upset you because there is so much arguing going on? Maybe it's just me, that's a good indication that it's time to move on, whether there are trust issues.

I guess I see what you are saying. Like I said, I'll probably stay away from bringing it up because I don't feel like arguing about it. We are trying( at least I am) to build back up trust that was broken . We have had quite a few "fresh starts", so I have my reasons to question, but at the same time I trying to let stuff go because I would like a trusting relationship.

The only other thing is that his cousin is a ho bag and I don't see him saying that what he does is wrong enough. I mean he hangs out with him; we all go and hang at his house a few times a month. This guy is married with two kids, and has had the nerve in the past to ask me if I had any friends that I could hook him up with! I have met his wife quite a few times, because we go over to visit them & it bothers me. We have also gone to a major event, and the guy brought another chick with him while his wife was 8 months. Pregnant with their second child!

My boyfriend just played it off, and said oh that was his " cousin". Like I'm stupid. Then when I told him about how he asks about my friends, he said " oh, he said he was just looking for a new FRIEND that's all". I've never heard him say his cousin is outright wrong. I mean I know that is his cousin, but call a spade a spade I think.

I guess that is why I get a little worried because I don't see a strong opinion against this behavior, but its really not my place to bring it up frequently with my bf; since its his cousin.

By the way, my boyfriend and his family are not from this country..

Personally I think that when a relationship has gotten to a bad lvl of communication you have two options.

1. rebuild the lvl of communication

2. let go of the relationship.

If the two of you are constantly fighting and you feel that you can't talk to him about a behavior that he shows you

And a type of behavior that makes you uncomfortable, well... where can you go from there?

His using the term dating makes you wonder... He flirts with a girl at work like it's nothing... I'm sorry but none of that sounds like mutual respect. It sounds like you are living your relationship with a fear of losing him. I don't know all the details, but just from those couple of things, no matter how sweet he is, if you two fight like that inside of a year, and don't discuss the future, and he refers to you two as dating, combined with you wanting more. I would say you both deserve better. The sooner you contemplate that idea the better, otherwise you are wasting your time with more fresh starts and not enough closed questions. You should never live your life with fear or doing anything you feel is morally questionable because you feel pushed to do so.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

Like I said, I'll probably stay away from bringing it up because I don't feel like arguing about it.

---

No one likes to argue. But if things don't get in the open, how are you suppose to fix the problem? Building things up inside of you will just make things worse in the long run.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

We are trying( at least I am) to build back up trust that was broken.

---

How are you trying to rebuild trust when you're too scared of confrontation.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

My bf just played it off, and said oh that was his " cousin". Like I'm stupid. Then when I told him about how he asks about my friends, he said " oh, he said he was just looking for a new FRIEND that's all". I've never heard him say his cousin is outright wrong.

---

Sounds like you don't trust him.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

I guess that is why I get a little worried because I don't see a strong opinion against this behavior, but its really not my place to bring it up frequently with my bf; since its his cousin.

---

The problem isn't only his behavior. The two of you have a HUGE communication breakdown.

1) You're too scared to tell him how you feel.
2) You don't like his answers.
3) He just gets more and more fustrated when you argue, so you end up avoiding arguments.

This is clearly an unhealthy relationship. Unless BOTH OF YOU are willing to work hard at the relationship by address each other's concerns, you're just going through the motions.

Well there are positive points, that hold me up from jumping ship so quickly:

I'm in serious financial struggle, and he pays for everything. I do not pay any bills.

He does not go to clubs, or hang out late night, I can usually reach him whenever I need to ( so far, knock on wood)

He invites me most places he goes when hanging out ( as far as I know)

He's very responsible, hardworking, driven, etc.

The sex is pretty good

I can be a difficult person to deal with and he is understanding of me

For the most part we are able to talk things out; more often lately because we've had so much static before so we know each other's buttons

So its not like he's a horrible guy, that's why I would like to work on things

It's great that you mentioned so many great things about him. If you want a balanced approach when you confront him about your doubts, mention those things.

Let him know how much you appreciate him and care about him for all he's done for you. But at the same time, there are a few minor things that bother you. So let him know that you find your relationship amazing and once you've addressed those minors things, it can be even better.

The way you approach a discussion is very important. It really defines the way you communicate with each other. Always try to find a balanced approach. If you focus too much on the negatives during a discussion (or argument), then your communication system can go downhill in a hurry.

I'm sorry, I am just a cynic. I've seen that same scenario with two of my ex's. If you want to nip it before it gets worse and you do break up make sure that he doesn't get to a point where he takes you for granted. Financial issues can do that in a relationship, and for some financially minded men, there is little you can do to contribute that makes you an equal in the relationship. Neither of you are perfect, but you not liking him flirting and him not caring or brushing it off IS a sign, don't let it make you paranoid, just don't blow it off yourself.

Being financially dependent, I picked that one because you cited it first, is never going to be reason enough to stay even if the others are minuscule comparatively. If him referring to the two of you as dating is enough to ruff your feathers now, I would suggest finding a few ways to empower yourself that don't include him. Depending on another for your happiness in the long term isn't healthy, you need to worry less and enjoy life more. With or without him, just try to take those steps, the rest will work out, otherwise you wind up with the smothering effect. And that never works out.

Don't let your fears, and insecurities, stop you from expressing your concerns. Don't let assumptions cause you fear, when you can talk, and have clarity.

Even when its learning something you won't like, that's better than assuming, and the feelings, and worry, that it causes.

You really need to address your fears, with facts, and work together thru honest communications, to resolve your problems..

No communications =No relationship.

Maybe that's why he defines this relationship as dating, it has a long way to go before it's a growing relationship.

How long did you actually date until you moved in together?? How old are you? and why are you financially dependent on him??

Well I moved in prematurely I know after about 1-2 months. I am 28 and he is 37-38. I am financially dependent because I am in grad school and I have a low paying job at the moment.

From reading your posts you want this relationship to work. You see the problems for you clearly.

If his behaviour is not a dealbreaker for you,I would suggest you talk to him,let him know how you feel.

Ask yourself.do his good qualities outweigh his bad qualities?

The dating comment would bother me if I was living with someone,I suppose 'dating' to me is finding out about the person BEFORE the relationship starts.

Yeah you may have moved a bit fast, and now you have to adjust your thinking and your expectations.

Makes me wonder what you guys talked about this past year, and the whole purpose of moving in together?

Even though you moved to fast before, is it to late to define what you have and identify where your going? I don't know and neither will you without dialog between you.

I wouldn't let a simple word like "dating" bother you too much. If you haven't addressed the issue, then no fault to anyone. Have an open conversation about the subject and see how things go after that.

The texting, personally that would be a huge red flag, and probably a deal breaker for me. But if you can live with it, then that's on your guys relationship.

So I recently gave my boyfriend some money to help with the rent because he was short. This is the first time I have helped him out financially since we have been living together. I have been pretty strapped with my finances, but I decided to give it to him as a gesture to show I am trying to help. So a few days later I checked my bank account and found that I really should have not given it to him because a few things did not post that I thought did already before I took the money out. Now I stand to be extremely strapped for cash until my next payday.

I know its not good to give money and ask for it back, but I don't know what to do. He makes way more than I do and he actually got the money already from a friend in a form of a check, but the cash date was a few weeks after the rent due date. I was trying to do a good thing, but Im not sure what I am going to do for the next couple of weeks. So should I ask for some back?

Also, my boyfriend can be pretty stingy, and on the arrogant side. I am looking for a possible approach to ask for someone with a personality like that. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

...I stand to be extremely strapped for cash until my next payday...
I know its not good to give money and ask for it back...my bf can be pretty stingy

---

Was it a loan or a gift? If it was a loan, have no qualms about asking for some/all of it back particularly if there stands to be consequences for you being short. If he's stingy but rational he should accept this without a grunt. If it was a gift, you can either suck it up as lesson learned, or try to indefinitely "borrow" it back when your obligations need to be met.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kia

He makes way more than I do

---

So why is he borrowing money from you? Force him to hold up his end of things. Do not allow his poor fiscal planning to become your problem.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Scleros

Do not allow his poor fiscal planning to become your problem.

---

Which is what the OP did, she loaned money before knowing her own ability to make a loan, now wants to have the loan repaid immediately... what if it has already been spent?

Why not have an honest conversation with your boyfriend that you made an honest mistake and can't afford the loan that was given. How do you feel this would hurt your relationship? Where is the communication in your relationship, if this topic is a concern?

WEll it wasn't a loan. I just offered it trying to be helpful; but I did it prematurely. So no, I didn't present it as a loan from the beginning

It is a tough obstacle to tackle, but if you sit him down and explain to him how you feel, maybe some type of help can formed. Money issues are a very sensitive subject, especially in today's economy.

Why is he so strapped for cash though?

Sounds like you have a weak communication system. It sounds extremely fragile actually, because you're too scared to confront him. This is a good opportunity to strengthen your communication system.

Explain to him your situation in a calm and respectable manner, and I'm sure he will help you figure something out.