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I'll try to keep this as short as I possibly can, fill you in on my situation and what the problem is that I can't overcome that seems to be slowing down my recovery time from my broken heart. I'm not trying to make a self pity post, and I'm not trying to win her back... I am simply just denying myself the ability to heal in a few single ways that I cannot seem to overcome. I have read some amazing things, on this board and others. Some great advice, perhaps its my own willpower that is causing me to do this. Anyway, to make light of my situation I'll try and break it down as short as I can.
I met her online, through a dating website. I never had any luck being a social butterfly so I took the high route, tried the internet thing and it worked! I was so ecstatic to make this connection with someone, we talked about ten months before meeting (Why so long? We broke communication for awhile inbetween). Anyway, it finally came to the point where we met, and it started, we began dating. I knew the whole time she had a son, at this time he would have only been 7 months old. It never bothered me, I never looked at it was baggage just looked at it as an important part of her life, and since he was the biggest part of her world, I wanted to make sure I made him a big part of my life too.
I met her family, her friends and I frequently stayed at her place (outside of town) for 2-3 days straight. It was wonderful, her family embraced me (they constantly told me they thought I was good for her and her son). I fell in love with her, and her son. She never was using me, she never asked me for a single thing for her son, the only thing I ever bought him was a toy truck for Christmas. Everything was going great, I couldn't be happier, a smile could never leave my face. When I was not in town, we would text and talk on the phone pretty much every night. Her son started calling me Dad, I would play with him all the time... I would do anything she would ask me to do to help her out. The simple things, warm up bottles, grab pacifiers... nothing major.
The conversation came up about moving in together, I would move so her son could be close to his family, all his family... they all live in the same town. My family all lived out east, besides my Mother and brother who only lived an hour outside of town. This wasn't a big deal for me, I could still do everything I wanted. I agreed, two short months and I could be with her all the time, and her son. I was ecstatic, I would finally not only see her every few weeks but basically everyday. She was thrilled too, she cried and told everyone right away. "He's coming, hes coming in two months!". Ill still never forget the smile, the joy on her face. I would be with her, and her son.
I don't know what happened, things changed in ONE single night. We decided to go to the bar. Her sister, a mutual friend, her and I. I decided I would ride with "Rob" to the bar, so she could pick up her sister and "Rob" wouldn't have to go alone. I didn't see this as that big of a deal, apparently it was. We had two drinks, only stayed out an hour and on the way home I asked what was wrong. "You have been rude to me ALL DAY!" she said, we got home and went to bed. She kissed me, said she loved me and went to sleep. The next morning she was really bitter, I could tell by the look on her face. We were in the kitchen, feeding her son. "Whats wrong?" I asked, "You were SO rude to me yesterday". We talked about what happened, she was upset I never went to the bar with her. Now, I can understand that a bit, but never thought it would be THAT big of a deal. So, that day we drove back into town. I had work that night.
She ignored me the entire time, she put in her iPod. I grabbed her hand, held it the whole way home. As we arrived at my place, I looked at her... and the look on her face I knew it was going to end. She looked at me, "Ill always love you" as I kissed her, a mutual kiss. "I love you" as I got out of the car... her son looking at me. I didn't know this would be the last time I would see him. She contacted me about an hour later, said she couldn't do it anymore. I was too clingy, too needy... the same cop out crap everyone says. That's all I got.
My heart broken, I cried for days... at the drop of a dime. I would cry for 10 minutes, 20 minutes... I could barely work, in fact I called in sick that day, first time I have ever missed work. Week went by, and randomly who shows up at my work place... her, and her two sisters. Nobody said anything, she was there for ten minutes and left. It never upset me, rather confused me. It was like she was checking up on me, to see how I was without saying anything. I already started NC, but I couldn't help myself but try and figure out why she came into work. She just said "I never thought you would be working"... I am one of only three people who work FULL time there. I am there 90% of the time. Anyway, we haven't talked since that day.
Her birthday rolled around last week, I was thinking about sending her a "Happy Birthday" text, that's all... to let her know I still care, still love her, and still think about her. I objected against it, staying NC... knowing the response I would get would be "Thanks" or no response at all. Little did I know, her birthday... new boyfriend. Two weeks after breaking up. I was heart broke again, thinking maybe she just needed sometime to think about what she wanted, apparently not.
Anyway, my problem. I can't help myself but "check up" on her. I'm not stalking her, not going to her place or anything. I can't help but not check her face book, its how I found out about her new boyfriend, her still moving into the house WE were going to get, her new job... how happy she is. I don't have her on my face book, but I can still view her "Wall" and her status updates. I can't help myself, it's setting me back. I can't help but think about her at work, at home, when I am out with friends. I miss her, and still am in love with her.
What can I do to try and stop this?
