Guys, Read many of the posts on this site and some are inspirational and give you a sense of your not alone so thanks, My question is this..

Having spent 8 months with my girlfriend I lied about staying overnight in hospital rather than a day visit, I did it to get attention from her but she found out and finished the relationship, I apologized straight away and gave the reason for it she has said that she accepts and understands why I did it but can't be in a relationship like that, we split about a month ago and I did all the usual things, I wrote her a letter explaining stuff which she acknowledged but I was texting her a lot and getting no replies to anything so 2 days ago I text her and asked if I could call, she replied and said yes so after an hour of talking and me being completely honest I opened up to her in the end she said she wanted to be friends (Hate that phrase) but couldn't be in the relationship because of trust.. She said she wanted us but knew it wouldn't work as no matter how hard she tried she couldn't change it.. I didn't disagree and said I needed some time on my own.. The truth is this woman is the only person I feel I can truly open up too. We can talk for hours but I can't be friends with her the feelings are too strong.. I have resisted texting or calling for 2 days now and know it will ease in time.. My question is do I stay and try to be friends in the hope of building the trust back up or do I cut loose and accept I made a big mistake over my lie (Which I know I did, I should have just talked to her).. Thanks Guys

Further to my post.. My ex when we met had just lost a previous boyfriend and had spent months looking after him, I tried to support here and that how we got together, we work together and there is a guy in work who wanted her really badly and became enraged when he found out about us, there was a lot of pressure and eventually we both went to HR to complain... She ended up in mediation with him and that made me feel more insecure as he was getting time alone with her.. I did/do trust her completely but he then turned on me putting me down and passing comments to me from other people about me as a person etc.. I didn't tell her about this as I thought it would make things worse for her so kept quiet hence the attention seeking stuff... I have never connected with anyone like her (I isn't a kid trust me) I just don't know what to do...

You can't be friends now as you need to heal from the breakup so no contact,as in no texting,talking,mailing etc.
You must do this for yourself so you can move on with your life and be happy again.

Amicon, thank you... Before our conversation on the phone 2 days ago.. I realised that my texts and contact (Outside of work, I can't aviod it in work but just keep it to work related stuff) were of no use after reading this forum, so I said on the phone I needed time on my own to realise what I needed.. She said (And this is what I don't get) "I dont mind the mad txts you sent so dont stop", for me that's worse than just being friends as I know she won't reply.. Its hard wnough losing the person you let in to your inner most thoughts but to keep you txting like that would be torture for me and I realised that hence why I said "I need time alone"...

BUt trust me it's the hardest thing in the world to do.. I have deleted the number and haven't made contact.. I guess for me if someone can't accept that you made a mistake and give a genuine reason for it (Which I did and it was truth) then they can't accept that humans do make mistakes and hurt others but they learn and regret in order to move forward then as hurt as I am at losing her it wasn't right..

Doesn't help though I miss her like crazy.. Even just talking all night (Which we did a lot) Thanks all


Oops haha one last question... How can someone that doesn't trust you want you to be friends??

Good-no more texts-why keep boosting her ego? As little contact as possible is the way to go-stick to it.
All breakups are tough,it takes time and patience with yourself getting over someone,that's just the way it is.

Yes, we all make mistakes.
I assume you lied to get attention?
Maybe you have some issues about insecurity and low selfesteem that you could work on?

I wanted her attention due to this guy that wanted her (She doesn't want him) (Read above) he pressured me with insults and such (Hes my boss! ) Ive dealt with all that now through work.. I just wanted her to show she cared about me (Totally wrong I know) She has accepted and understands all that I just don't get the friends thing if its finished on trust... Can I just say that I have NEVER lied before and never will again.. I should have talked to her about my feelings at that time.. I have reflected on what has happened and know where I went wrong... God I'm rambling haha


As a footnote, I have still have some of her things here which I have as the site suggests put in a box away but she still has door keys and some things to my house.. I have asked for the things to be exchanged (Posted if needs be) in my letter to her.. That was 3 weeks ago and I also asked in a text but have no reply to my request... How do you stop this, I don't want anyone having by key (And House alarm Control Fob) I could change the locks but can't change the alarm...

Well,ramble on,it's allowed.
As for being friends,my take on that is-a lot of dumpers say that to ease their guilt,and/or to make themselves feel better about having dumped somebody.
I wouldn't worry about that now.

Is there any way I will get her back?

I couldn't tell you that-I can only advice you to act and live as if that's not going to happen.

Thanks Amicon.. I know you are right I just feel cheated that I made a mistake feld my hands up and after months of being told oh ye you're the one and a lot of other stuff she walks away.. Yes I made the error but I mean so little to not forgive... This is poop haha

Wouldn't you rather face this now though than finding out further down the road that this relationship was not what you thought it was?
And a lesson learned,lying is probably,to most people, a dealbreaker.. . :-(

I know I did wrong... I can't say no more I'm just punishing myself for a mistake I bitterly regret and don't know why I didn't just tell her I wanted to know we were OK and how I felt... male pride sucks... I don't blame her at all just want to put things right I guess the time has gone.. thanks u.

Hi Cutloose

Unfortunately your lie might not be the actual reason why she broke it off but you seem to be focusing on that. If she really loved you there would be no way that one descretion would be the end. I would say that she probably had reservations for a while and the "lie" gave her an out.

As far as the being friends thing and her saying it's fine to text etc. that is her easing her guilt for breaking up with you , by the sounds of it she still likes you but not in the relationship type sense , so what you need to do now is go complete No Contact otherwise you'll just be wallowing around with False hope for months before you realise it's a lost cause.

It sucks being dumped , and it'll hurt for a while , but you can make the hurt go quicker by accepting it and not hanging on asking yourself all the if's and why's.

Come here and vent when you need to , there will always be people here who you can talk to , and read the stories on the forum to get a better perspective of how it generally all turns out.

Good luck!

Friend4u, Thank you for your response, I do agree with you and so do a lot of my close friends, I have managed 3 days now of NC and I'm proud of that, whilst I did wrong I made the apology and was completely honest when I spoke with her, what I feel is unfair and derogatory to me is a statement like "I want us but know it wont work" which she said, that gives me something to hang on to is is wrong from her, I just want my things back and to return here's and move on, I think one of the biggest reasons you fight so hard to save something is the fear of ending up on your own (Especially when you become more mature) well you know what... ITS OK... The way I am trying to reason things is... If she wanted me in the first place there is no reason someone else won't... learn from what happened don't make the same mistakes and enjoy life.. I went out yesterday and boought a load of gym equipment (Thats my escape now)... I just hope that I receive no more texts or contact from her (Other than work).. I can't be friends... I know that... It wouldn't be fair on either of us and ultimately I would be going down the same road of lying to both of us which in the long term would slow my healing and prevent me moving on.. What being dumped has taught me is that you focus on YOU not them... Many Thanks to all who have replied and I will continue to post even if its drivvel..

I think you're thinking along the right lines.
Have a friend help you do the exchange of your respective stuff-stick to the NC and start enjoying your life again!

As for drivel,it isnt-and you should come back here whenever you want to.:-)

Amicon Thanks, You know the hardest thing is accepting that you are a decent person... It makes you feel worthless and about 6 inches tall.. We all know the risks you take when getting into a relationship that's part of life but it gets harder as you get older to recover... This BB is amazing and the posters give real advice I wish I had found it 6 weeks ago. Thank you all

You're very welcome-we all recover though and meet new people.

Every relationship's a learning experience and somehow,sometime,somewhere,we'll get it right!

Hi All, another day gone and another day I've managed to keep my finger off the send button.. It isn't getting any easier and I still think "Can i salvage this", "How do i get her back", "How do i make her see that she was my soul mate"... I guess these are questions that most who have made mistakes and want a chance ask... I will never know the answers and will never pose the questions... Monday should be fun have a meeting with the man who put me under the pressure to tell the lie and look for re assurance... I don't blame him I blame me for the lie but I reconcile that with the thought that if the relationship was strong enough she wold of accepted (As she did) the reasons for it and not judge me on 1 mistake.. She will be in the next office as well!! Oh my god! Do I ignore her or pop my head in and say hi.. she knows I'm attending and don't want to appear ignorant... I need to be strong now and show that I'm moving on with my life ad she wasn't my only reason for living and advice received I will be grateful for.. Anyway another day done with NC and she feels further away.. is that good or bad... instinct says bad but head says good because you made it through another day... Another installment tomorrow... thanks all just for being there an reading what I've wrote... Take care x

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cutloose2

She will be in the next office as well!!! Oh my god! do i ignore her or pop my head in and say hi..she knows im attending and dont want to appear ignorant...

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She knows and is probably dreading it too , I'm sure if you just leave her alone she'll think much more of you than if you pop your head in and embarrass her. And don't think that's being ignorant on your part , she's the one who made the decision the dump you , you owe her nothing so you need to stop putting her on a pedestal she doesn't deserve.

You also get to keep your dignity this way ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Cutloose2

...I need to be strong now and show that im moving on with my life and she wasnt my only reason for living

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Exactly , keep that thought.

Friend Thank You... I have to agree.. Will walk straight past with my head held high... Day 4 of NC work again so should be an easier day.. To be honest I actually woke up and wasn't thinking about it which is a positive step, although its been nearly 6 weeks as the last contact was Wednesday I've started from there so all in all I isn't doing to bad.. Have a good day all will post later and let you know how I got on today

Wishing you a good day!:-)

Well work finished and friends wanting to talk about her and how I'm doing... They seem to think that I should leave it for 4 weeks and write a letter to finalise things.. I don't agree I think that just gives me more problems and know I would be hurting waiting for a reply... Bottom line is its over and I don't believe it would help.. The one thing I have found is that people want to advise you even when they don't ask... Things like... Shes quiet an won't speak... You have to know for definite if its over... You can't let it go without fighting... So confusing... The people in work know us both well and want to give opinions... My head hurts but I'm still sticking to NC thank god... Yes its hard but I try and rationalise it with the thought of txting and not getting a reply... Personally I wish we could both sit down face to face and have her say Look its over... That won't happen for one reson or another getting dumped by text is the worst and shows cowardice as far as I'm concerned.. I deserved better than that...

I did get a text last week saying that she thought I was going through some issues and she wanted to be a friend.. It also said that I shouldn't critise her for for not playing there game by my rules... I think she was referring to my previous text of saying I won't text because I don't get any reply and its frustrating... What game?. What Rules? I feel the games are being playued by her and she doesn't know what she wants and is fighting with the idea of wanting me but can she trust... Trust is something that is built and takes time it doesn't just happen... Im waffling again but I think NC has to be the way from me.. if I hear nothing then I've lost nothing and I recover quicker...

Nc definitely. Stick to it and don't get drawn into any gameplaying.

Thanks amicon... Another text I don't get that she sent at xmas time was this... Love is a crocodile in a river of desire!. I struggled with that at first but my thinking was that she was saying that she wanted me (River of desire bit) but I wouod hurt her (Crocodile bit) anyone else got an explanation for this text... U can see now why I'm so confused and came here for advice...

I've no idea what that means-have you tried googling it?

Found it will post the meaning.. It is an old proverb saying from 1 AD writtin in Sanskrit its meaning is this...
Desire is a neccessity,loving is a risk, it swins in the river,the river swirls, carrying it along,the river of desire transports us, the waters of the river seek out and explore channels,pressing forward,opening their way in front of them,the river has a future,its meeting with the sea, the crocodile by contrast,bites and kills,it can serve as an actor in an exotic television soap, but is no service in the pursuit of greater pleasure. No one strokes a crocodile... Man I've had enough of this... I think she is saying I'm dangerous!!

Or to cut it short from Wiki answers

According to Augusto Boal, the "river of desire" is a necessary part of human existence, and "love" is a dangerous part of that.

Am I still stuffed and has that meant that it was not meant to be... YOu know what folks I'm more confused than ever haha still ding NC though

You'll be fine-just let the emotional confusion settle-and sticking to good old NC. :-)

I just feel I'm being tied in knots and she doesn't know what she wants... thats not fair on me.. having thought a bit I think the saying means that through life you will have desire but if you are temped sometimes you will get bitten... my lie seems to be the bite I think

Possibly but don't lose any sleep trying to interprete this.
Concentrate on getting on with your life.

What your doing is what we see lots of Dumpees do at this stage of the breakup , you are overanalyzing the if's and why's. The more you do that the longer it'll take unfortunately :( Its quite normal to do that when the emotional dust is still swirling around. It's not easy but you just need to accept that it's over and when you start to try and justify stuff wack yourself on the head and stop yourself.

And one more thing , tell your friends/work colleagues to not mention anything about your Ex because that's not going to help you at all.

Friend, amicon, Thanks I'm going to not go back just move on tomorrow is another day thanks x

Hi All, Back from work and what a day...

Had my meeting and Yep she was in her office... She saw me coming and looked straight ahead.. I walked past her office and didn't even acknowledge her... Hard... Anyway meeting finished and out I come.. By coincidence (Or was it?) she comes through the corridor the opposite way... I carried on and said nothing just as if I hadn't seen her... The... "Oh hi You (She always called me that) what are you doing here, i dint know you were here"? (Lie, I had sent an email to all managers to say I was in a meeting and the tracking told me they had all opened it prior to the meeting), Eyes fluttering and heavy make up on.. Now I'm thinking I've got to stick to NC how do I get out of this... Remembering the words of wisdom I learnt on here... "Oh just had a meeting over such and such gotta go"... and I walked away while she is still standing at her office door...

Now I'm not a bitter man and can accept that if I don't make someone happy then I would rather they were not with me but to be talked to as if I had forgotten everything I felt and told a lie (Which was the excuse I was given in a txt) to me made me think "You hypicrite" and I realised that even though it felt as if she wanted to say more and flash those eyes at me I had to leave... Its good that I feel that because for the first time I feel as if the emotion of loving her is fading and being replaced with anger, and a knowing that anyone that can treat people that way doesn't deserve me.. I would respect someone hurting (As she knows I am) and not talk to them or say hi and walk away... For now anyway... One brief encounter has made me realise that I could NEVER be friends with her and at some stage in the coming months (Not yet NC for now) I will tell her that no explanation just NO... Why do women (In my case) think that the pain goes away so quick and you can revert to smiling, flirting and normal behaviour around someone who is devastated that they chose not to let you into their life after a longish period together.. Is she heartless or just ignorant to the situation... I just know that I'm glad the initial face off is done and I can move forward..

First-you handled that well-kudos to you.
Keep going as you are and at this stage your anger will probably help you move on-it will fade as well,to be replaced with acceptance.

Why she acted the way she did is yet another one of those nobody knows whys-so don't let it worry you.

NC works so stick with it.
If you can't avoid running in to her,brief nod and keep walking.

ANd before its said... I think she was hurting to at some point.. Maybe its just because she made the decision and I didn't.. I have dropped people in the past but I've had the baubles to tell them face to face and respect the fact I hurt them after it... What A... sorry

Amicon thanks, I genuinely think she is of the opinion I want to be friends even though that hasn't been stated by me.. only her... She isn't a kid (Late 30s like me) and she lost an ex patner last year after nursing and caring for him for over a year so she knows the pain of losing someone... If I could have my say (Which I won't ) I would say LIsten have a heart and leave me to get over this will you in my own way for now..


Well,that's the decent thing to do and the decent way to act,but then again people have different ways of handling difficults situations.


Ye they run and hide then pop there head over the edge when they think the dust has settled... Ostrich comes to mind only this one had make up on haha... Anyway I feel better that its over and my actions.. I kept my dignity wasn't nasty, short yes and she got the impression I didn't want to talk I think... Tomorrow is another day

Ostrich with make-up's a good one! Though it might get mucked up when they stick their head in the sand.
Stay dignified and have a good day tomorrow.

I found a good analigy of what I would want in the future..

The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves and our mistakes

Agreed-and love the other the same way. :-)

I think that goes without question and has always been my outlook...

True-it should . :-)

Hi GUys another day gone and a big day for me pasted... A milstone you might say... Ive spent most of the night reading posts on here and I have to say that it gives you strength... im slowly accepting that ist over and the thoughts get less every day.. I thought after seeing her today I would have gone into meltdown.. but I didn't I'm actually quite exceptant of it now... I did love her and probably will always have a soft spot for her but I know after looking at her today something has changed in ME.. whether that's anger or detachment I don't know I just know that I couldn't be friends ever. I have one last thing to resolve which I'm unsure on how to do... I have some furniture of hers here (Her favourite massive leather chair for 1 (In MY bedroom (Which is on the top floor of a three storey house) I want it out of my home and told her to pick up up weeks ago.. She said she would arrange for it to be Professionally removed (Its to arkward and big to be done by me and will damage the house if I tried) the keys she has to my house were to be exchanged with this.. How long do I leave it before I say Hey look get it shifted... and give me the house keys back.. for me its like a final piece that I want removed from my life and has to go..

While we still have things of each others that mean stuff i.e. her favourite chair and my house keys I can't completely move on as they are special things... It was a big deal for me to give her keys to my home and her to move that chair into the bedroom so it's a part of letting go for me its how to resolve it... I don't want to involve others (We are both private people) yet don't want to break NC!!

I would though- ask a really close friend to get the chair back to her-and the same friend could ask her to post the keys to you.

After all your friends know you've broken up,don't they?

Amicon has a point IF you do have friends who can do it , but I think it's fair to expect her to get her chair out and to get your keys back. I would send her an email stating that you'd like it out while giving her sufficient time as that will come across as not trying to be vindictive. I know it's breaking NC but your not doing it for the wrong reasons or by trying to gain anything regarding the relationship from it.

Just be amicable and I think you'll be doing it right.

Ps: Congrats on the way you handled seeing her at work , good job :)