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OK, so about two months ago, I left my ex after a two and half year relationship filled with pain, fighting and clear unhappiness.
Now I find myself talking to many girls, especially after starting at a new school, but I just don't seem to have anything to say to them, or just how to talk to them. After all this time.. it seems as though I forgot how. Apparently, it isn't like just riding a bike.
Anyway, if anyone has any advice, please let me know :)
Well, from a girl's point of view, when I met guys in college (I'm assuming you are college aged) I liked talking about:
-where they were from
-what they enjoyed doing, such as sports, etc.
-what they were studying and what they wanted to be
-our school's sports teams
Depending on the girl, she'll enjoy talking about current events, pop culture, or something more philosophical. Stick to the things you know and enjoy, which will match you up better to girls with whom you have something in common. After getting the basics, you usually can find something you have in common.
Yea, I am just starting college this year. And maybe you are right about just talking about things I know and enjoy. Although I believe two people in a relationship should have stuff in common, individuality does add a certain je ne sais pas to the relationship.
Thanks!
Still open to anything people can suggest.
I found myself in such situation too. I'd say this is the temporary effect of a real hard breakup. Of course I'm still interested in looking at some girls, but when it comes to talking I just don't feel like it.
That's a sign telling me I'm not ready for any girls right now but it all depends on you whether this temp. behaviour stays long or short.
Im going to piggyback my answer on Just Looking's.
Stick to things you know, things you enjoy. You never want to look at girls and try and determine what they like and what tey want to talk about because then you're not being yourself. You can sit and talk about things she likes but if its no interest to you then it will be harder to find that common ground.
Start with small talk just like Just Looking said. It will develop from there, I promise.
Rick
**Lots of reading, but well worth it. I apologize for the length!
Talking to girls is actually a LOT of fun if you have the right mentality about it. I have a thread about this in the dating section and I recommend the read.
Few things I want to point out to you:
1. Talking to a girl is NOT always an avenue to a relationship. It would be foolish to look at "talking" as a way to attract every female (in other words, don't have expectations when you talk to a woman)
2. Have confidence in who you are and what you are talking about
3. Pay attention!! Make eye contact, smile and RELAX.. this isn't an interview
4. Have fun. When you talk about something do it in a way that fosters communication and enjoyment. You can read when someone has no interest in talking about a specific topic.
5. Girls LOVE guys that have the ability to open up about certain things that they ordinarily would be known to talk to other guys about. Sports is huge, for instance. Most girls at colleges love their sports but guys assume they are just bimbos who paint their nails and go to sorority functions... wrong!
6. It is important to make a conversation based upon strictly friendship at first. If you walk up to a female with one thing in mind, it becomes easily readable on your part and they will sniff it a mile away.
It is easy man, truly. Sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment we forget that girls have the same problem, just different cultural (or more like social) norms for handling it. Have fun, be yourself and be able to BS about different things. By BS I don't mean be a good liar, I mean be a good talker AND listener. You can build a lot of your conversation by taking avenues that the female responds to. To be honest you can tell within the first 2-5 minutes whether they have ANY interest in you at all.
I know this is getting long, but here is something my friends and I would do on a normal basis, not for a game, but for self confidence and keeping things in perspective. I PROMISE you the below will work if you stick to everything in it (although I would advise you to get decent at actually opening up a conversation with girls first; this is just a way to get over a fear of rejection later):
Walk up to them, BS with them and then ask for their number. Regardless of their answer, make sure you act like it didn't bother you at all. Their answer and their reaction should have ZERO effect on you one way or another. The key is to ensure that they know you can live with or without them! Maintain the attitude that you couldn't care less whether or not they gave their number to you... You make sure you keep it short and sweet, the less the better my friend!
Thank you all for your advice. Again, I do strongly believe in being myself, so hopefully all of the other advice can help me get over this "fear".
And at the beginning, I felt as though I was talking to them to get into a relationship, mainly to get over the ex which is clearly wrong. But as time as gone on, I've realized that just being to have conversations with them (although rare) gives me some hope for myself.
But yeah, breakups suck. Especially when you leave the girl because you are miserable but still love her nonetheless.
Just relax and be the awesome guy that you are. Girls will pick up on that. In college you get to the point (at least you start to) where girls become "women" who want a smart, confident guy who can hold an intelligent conversation. Like I said, and you have said, don't talk to them simply to get a "date." Talk to them to learn how to mingle with the opposite sex. It is a skill that is very valuable throughout life.
It is a mentality thing, more than anything. I literally do not care if a woman ends up giving me her number or not, and they know that fairly quickly, thus they can read that I am not hung up on their validation to make me feel good. I know I can walk directly to another woman and do the same thing. I find it fun, though, to just converse and be able to make a woman laugh. If you can make them laugh, you are in a stellar position!
One other thing: NEVER FEAR BEING REJECTED. I have been rejected more than I have been accepted, so to speak. EVERYONE goes through it, no matter what, so don't let that trip you up.
I have to agree with that too, and college is already being a good help. I didn't know many people so it forced me to interact more.
I actually went to sleep thinking about this question. KC kind of covered it, but what I was thinking about was adding that girls want to talk to guys. If you are friendly, smiling, and easy going they will want to talk to you. I remember being a Freshman and not knowing anyone at my college. Fortunately, people were pretty friendly. The one guy who I still remember meeting the first week totally caught my attention by being a good listener and showing he was interested in what I was saying. I didn't get the vibe that he was looking for something, but he listened to me, asked questions, and had interesting things to say. He said my name a few times during the conversation, kept it light and natural, and came across as a nice person. The conversation was simply a getting to know you conversation, nothing heavy - where we were from, what activities we like to do, that sort of thing. Also, if you can throw in some humor, I think that's huge. If you can get her to smile or laugh, she'll want to talk to you again.
To add to this, study groups are a GREAT place to break the ice. Talk about their majors and yours or lack of one. Join the clubs in your discipline. Seize all opotunities you are interested in, trips, social, professional, etc. But only those you are truly interested in. Each one of these has its own community. You will meet many girls and have lots to talk about... because you will then have something in common.
Good luck. And Kudos for getting back out there!!
You aren't ready for a relationship, so relax, and just make friends. The best way to be comfortable around females, is to be around them, and be yourself.
Fear of rejection, and high expectations, takes all the fun out of getting to know the opposite sex.
KC, your dead on, man, and I think all the advice is great here for you.
Here is the link you should read.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/all-guys-who-afraid-talking-girls-378881.html
Killer: Just make it your goal to go up and approach 5 different women each night you go out. Don't worry about getting "hooked up" or whatever, just worry about holding at least a 10 minute conversation with each. It will do so much for yourself confidence, I promise you. Besides, I find that most girls tend to be much more interesting than most guys I talk to.
Strange - I find it is just the opposite.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
I agree with that. I'd say in general.. well more online than in person but still, I talk to more girls than guys. For whatever reason, they want to talk more.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
You will learn this more and more... women love to hear themselves talk... :cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by KillerInstinct
(Bring on the negative comments ladies ;) )
Hahahaha! Yes, some I know.. talk and talk.. but in most of those cases, I'm not even interested in what they have to say after a certain point
Okay! I actually love a conversation that is equal. Guys have a lot of interesting things to say, and I like learning something from a conversation. If I'm doing all the talking, I'm not learning. :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
Hey, so there is this girl which to be honest, I find quite annoying. She has been a good friend when I've been in need, but lately she acts weird and annoying. She has tried to turn me against friends and vice versa. We are not dating and she tries to make us be closer than I'd like.
What should I do?
Sounds like you need to tell her how you feel.
She doesn't sound like a good friend if she's tried to turn you against your other friends.
I also believe that when she was there for you she wasn't doing it sincerely.. she may have done it for her own benefit.
Either you cut ties with this toxic friend or you talk to her about this problem.
Sarah
Well for one, I have told her that the things she does are bothersome and she will say OK, but then a day later say "hello darling" or silly things like that. And yeah, I have spoken to a couple close people about it who seem to think that she just wants to get into my pants (not my words, theirs) which bothers me because I feel no attraction to her.
Have you told her this?
That you think she's attracted to you and that you are not interested in her in this way whatsoever.
Sarah
You can show her your not interested in her by ignoring her , she'll eventually get the hint.
Don't give her any attention. If you give her attention, she will have more leverage against you. Just ignore her. You don't want to lead her on either, especially since you say you're not attracted to her.
As for your friends, if they know you well enough, they won't listen to her when she tries to turn them against you. Just clear things up with your friends if you have to.
Yeah, I have been avoiding her as much as possible lately, both in person and online. And as for my friends, they come to me and ask what the hell she is doing, they even saw what she was trying to do and were like wow she's weird, etc.Quote:
Originally Posted by I wish
Threads merged
Ok, so I haven't been in a relationship for just under two months, but I feel like I'm missing having someone in my life and don't know why or how to feel better about being alone. I mean, I could obviously try to find someone else but even that seems daunting.
What should I do?
Read the stickies:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...up-303761.html
They should give you some insight. Until you feel comfortable enough with yourself, take your time before entering into another relationship. The kinds of feelings that you are explaining to us is the exact reason why it's a good time for you to be on your own and work on yourself. Do things to help boost your self-esteem and confidence level.
Enjoy your time with yourself.
Don't force things to happen in your life.
Pick up a hobby, take a class, do some volunteer work, etc.
Sooner or later, you will cross paths with someone with the same interests.
Good luck to you.
The above answers you received is pretty much all you need to know.
Just be assured you are not "alone" in feeling the way you are. We've all been there at some point. It's how you handle this "alone" time that's important. Define who YOU are first. Just having someone, anyone to be with is not the answer.
Once you are happy and content being "alone", when you least expect it... love may come walkin' in. Best wishes
The longer you are single it will become easier and, if you can believe it, enjoyable. Just think, you have all this free time to do whatever you want to do. You don't have to spend a dime on anyone else so treat yourself good. Two months is really not very long. Ive been single for about a year now, and Ive learned a lot about myself and others as well, I have time to be a better friend to the ones I have and in turn made some new ones. You will find that you might get some things done you thought you'ld never start. Give it a chance and some time. Hope the best for you.
Honestly, I was thinking the same time when my ex left me, 2 month later. Though 6 month later I can see the advantages of being alone and it's honestly one of my greatest time in my life.
I've lost weight, been partying, making new friends, being closer to my family, my friends, dated without anything serious, joined a volunteering group, concentrated on my studies, have gotten way more girls looking at me and flirting with me...
I feel much more complete and happy then I ever was when I was with someone. There are days where I'm a bit down because I don't have someone, but then I go out and have some fun.
So what I suggest is let it go, be free, you can understand what it means to enjoy yourself alone and that is important if you would like to grow in life.
See all of this I understand.. but going to the same school or having common friends makes me hear about her or see her (or even see her posts online.. facebook, etc) when I really could do without it.
For example, this weekend, I jammed with my band twice, worked and joined Monster Gym.. so I was all pumped because I was getting out there and all that stuff.. and then I get home and see that she wrote on this guy's wall. The same guy that ultimately caused the downfall of our relationship (even though the problems with him happened quite some time ago, he was a reoccurring problem). I know that he know has a Gf, but for whatever reason, seeing it makes me feel sick and crappy. I hate this feeling and when I get into this mood, I don't know what to do. I mean, it's almost midnight and I'm not tired, but I can't really listen to music loud or go bang around on my drums!
Killer, give yourself sometime. Two months in a lifetime is not very long. As you get out more and socialize more, it will get easier. Make friends of both genders who don't know her. She isn't everywhere though it may feel that way.
When you find yourself thinking about her or looking at some guy's Wall where she might have posted, allow yourself a smile at the good times then go on to the next site. Let her become part of your past that someday you will remember fondly.
Look forward knowing that there are other women out there who might be trying to approach you.
Thanks Cat. Yeah, normally I try to watch TV or write something on piano when I can't get on my drums. I think another woman showing interest in me might do wonders for my self-esteem and to see that there is still a lot of life to live. I can think these things.. but it's more a matter of actually knowing it from experience I suppose
Unfortunately, you only get that by living.Quote:
Originally Posted by KillerInstinct
By the way, you're welcome.
.. and its being able to just live which I'm still somewhat suffering with getting to do properlyQuote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Killer: Have you ever thought about giving Facebook a rest for awhile?
I try. I try to open it less. But it's always there. What's worse is while dating, I had added her mother.. who kept writing (commenting) on things I posted until the point where I just sent her a polite message asking her not to for a while.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
Honestly I had to give FB up for around 6 months after my break up. It just created drama and thoughts that I didn't need. Facebook is a cool site for networking or what have you, but for a break up it is evil, pure evil.
I can't agree more. It literally pushes you to not be over him/her. I think I go on to play farmville.. and then end up checking around. UGHQuote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
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