So Im 29 and me and my ex have had a weird month. So we were together for over a year, which was rocky at first but turned into something awesome... for awhile. It was rocky cause she had children, which she didn't tell me about until after a few dates. That should have been the first red flag, but I was excited and thought I could warm up to it and eventually I did. Still, I took the kids very seriously and maybe the relationship too slow.

Anyway, so she dumps me beginning of Sept cause she doesn't think I can commit cause of the kids situation. Im cool with it at the time because Im still a little unsure. Anwhow, we kept up conversation for a couple weeks until I cut it off because it was getting to me. A week later she stops by randomly, which completely made me want her back. The following week I tell her this and she says she loves me but she's seeing someone else now and wants to give it a shot. Fair enough so I backed off. So a couple weeks later after me ignoring emails, calls, texts, she emails me asking if we can talk cause she's having a tough time. I shouldn't have but I called her. Eventually we get back into talking about us and getting back together. She says she wants to take it slow. I agree. Last weekend we hung out and things were pretty normal, but then this week she says she needs to back off a little. Me, I was so frustrated I just agreed and said Im done. She then tells me she loves and I'm the one for her and asks me to wait. I said no of course.

So yesterday I was going to swing by to drop off some of her stuff she left at my place and the other guy she started dating was there. I see his car in the driveway and leave.

My question is how to handle this because she needs to know what she did is wrong. I want to be the bigger person but Im not sure how.

For me I would think that she held off telling you about her children because she wanted to get to know first.. thats the first thing.

The second is this indecision... I would suggest walking away and not making any more contact will be sufficient enough to make your point,that being,you deserve better treatment then this and will not tolerate being messed around.

As for the other guy,that's her business and nothing to do with you now.

Move on.

She's got a lot of baggage and her kids are her priority. So she can't only think about herself when considering a relationship.

Sometimes it's not about doing something wrong. Sometimes it's about whether you're naturally compatible together.

So it's not that you could have done things differently. Even if you have feelings for each other, you just don't match well as a couple. It happens. Accept and move forward. No need to force a relationship. Relationships should happen naturally.

I Wish... I totally agree with you and the kids are the reason I took things slow. I wanted time to see if it would work and that frustrated her, which is what caused the end. Its hard letting go but I know it's the right decision. However, she broke up with me and is seeing someone, yet she is the one trying to force the relationship or keep me around in case things don't work with the other dude. So in my view, I feel like I am handling this correctly yet she is being very disrespectful to both of us and the new guy. The biggest part of me wants me to tell her what she is doing is wrong and that she needs to not contact me at all.

You don't have to tell her she did wrong. She already knows and not being crude she doesn't sound like she cares. You should just walk away and leave her alone that will hurt her more then a lot of drama. In her defense I understand why she didn't tell you about the kids. When you have kids and you are trying to date you don't want people just walking in and out of their lives. Its not fair to the kids. She also needs to realize that.

Don't be someone's backup plan. The two of you had your chance to work things out and it didn't work. Again, I don't think it's anyone's fault, you just aren't a good match. No harm done.

You don't need to prove a point to her that she made a mistake. She's moved on with her life, so now it's your turn. There's no need to set the record straight with her. The longer you dwell on her, the longer it will take for you to move forward.

As for her things, why don't you let someone else drop her stuff off for you? Since you're just going to get emotional when you see her new boyfriend's car. You don't need that type of unnecessary setback. Just move forward with your life, stop letting her hold you back from moving on.

Do what you should have done in the first place, return her stuff, and disappear from her life.

The bigger man is the one who doesn't say anything and just leaves. This takes real integrity to do that, but in the end you are proud of yourself.

Yes I was thinking about how to let your ex or your partner learn without you telling them. This is an issue that we can't deal with, because most of the time they don't take advises as seriously from the first party.

Nonetheless, that's called being caring, but due to human nature, all you can do is just let her learn whatever it is, and the sad part is some people might not learn the particular lesson for the rest of their lives.

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Originally Posted by bswc

Yes i was thinking about how to let ur ex or ur partner learn without u telling them. This is an issue that we can't deal with, because most of the time they don't take advises as seriously from the first party.

Nonetheless, that's called being caring, but due to human nature, all u can do is just let her learn whatever it is, and the sad part is some people might not learn the particular lesson for the rest of their lives.

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So true, there is many people leading a sad life because they don't learn from their mistakes. Except if you are a really close friends, you can't say anything to them, except if they asked you.

Thanks for all of your advice. I realize now that I really don't need to say anything although a small part of me thinks I should say I know what you're doing and its wrong. The hard thing about this situation is that she keeps trying to pull me back in and says she wants to make things work. Says she loves me and can't imagine having a future with anyone else. However, I know she is seeing someone else, which in a certain way has made everything easier for me. After all, I now feel like I cannot trust her. Im just going to stick to the no contact rule and move on with my life.

Good decision-stick with it.

Little advise your 29 and dating ladies around your age I suspect,next time just in casual conversation.ask "ANY KIDS?" before you get serious.

First, I think you need to go forget this woman and her kids because I don't think you will ever trust her again.

Second, next relationship learn not to jump to conclusions. Communication works much better. You see 'his' car and keep going. You assume that she still has a relationship with him, instead of stopping and finding out. Maybe he was dropping off her items or picking some of his up. Maybe he does think they are still in a relationship. Maybe he promised her kids something and didn't want to let them down. Maybe...

Third, a lot of mothers try to protect their children from getting to involved in mommy's dating life. They try to limit the chances of the children having a lot of "Uncles". Some don't care and those are the ones to watch out for.

I totally respect her choice not to tell me about the kids in the beginning however her reason was that she wanted me to get to know "her for her." Despite her reasons I willingly gave it a fair chance and ultimately it has not worked out. We both clearly still have feelings and she does not want to let me go in case the other guy doesn't work out. It's true that I could never trust her anymore. Like I said before it's hard to cut her off when she won't let go even though she's with someone new. I just got to stay strong and do this for both our, and the kids, sake.

she's obv just using as back up plan. If she won't let you go, you just go yourself. She doesn't determine your decision. You guys didn't work out for reasons. Don't trust her when she says she loves you and wants to spend her life with you. If she really felt that way, you guys would be together right now. Not only are you apart, but she is dating another guy. How would you feel if you were in the other guy's position? Don't get involved in her life. Stay away, far far away. Cut off all contacts and take her out of your life. It is hard, very hard. But you need to do what's right before you get burned even more. Also, no trust = no relationship.

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Originally Posted by zippit

little advise your 29 and dating ladies around your age I suspect,next time just in casual convo.ask "ANY KIDS?" before you get serious.

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Yes that is good advice for the future. The funny thing is we were set up and nobody mentioned that! Also, I would have always thought that having kids is part of your identity so you would mention that from point one. You live and you learn I suppose.

You know if I didn't hear about the kids by the second date I think it would cause a red flag for me too.

I think you're making the right decision. She's making you out to be a backup plan. Screw that, walk away. No need to keep in contact from there on. If she serioulsy cared about you and a relationship with you she would have been single when she 'went back to you', not chumping you both like that. Right? Yeah...

Your story is so indicative of the problems that arise when you skip the dating process, (fun getting to know each other BEFORE you commit to exclusively dating, and start getting serious) and go right into a relationship. Few relationships survive that kind of rushing in.

Too much, too fast, crash, and burn!

" Its hard when you take it by the yard, Its a cinch when you take it by the inch". author unknown.

Talaniman Rule- Dating exclusively may be your choice, but not your partners, so best to talk about it first, HONESTLY

As a single parent I have fought the urge to butt in here about the women in question not saying she had children...

Can I just say,she decided not to say anything about the kids,how I wish when I was dating that during the second date he had said,oh by the way I have hep b,I'm a drug user,I'm married,I'm broke,I'm just using you for sex and any of the 100 things we choose not to say on a second date...

I'm not condoning what she did after that,but all I'm saying is we all want to put our best side out,and frankly if your only getting to know someone its none of there business...

Should things develop well then sure..

But second date... pets names and light easy conversation.

Hey everyone. Just wanted to post again and share a little update. I had a really good week, with the typical ups and downs, but good nonetheless. Like I told myself I WAS sticking to no contact until a couple days ago when I got a message from my ex. She confessed that she had ended things with the other guy because she didn't want to risk losing me, etc... We eventually talked and agreed to see each other on Friday. She came over and we watched a movie and kept things ultra casual. She did stay until 2 am and it was good to be with each other. She told me yesterday she enjoyed our time a lot. However, yesterday when I started thinking about things (probably over analyzing) a couple things she said kind of worried me. When talking about us she said that she wants to keep things slow and not jump in. She also said that she wasn't sure if now was the best time for her to start something up again due to a lot of other things going on in her life as she is moving, etc. And she also keeps saying that she wished she knew "what the future is for us?"

I know direct communication is best for getting answers, but I have definitely been keeping a little wall up so as to seem not overly anxious and also to protect myself while I figure out the situation. Im not so sure seeing her was a good thing, but part of me wants to give this another shot and I need advice.

So... my questions for the experts here are:

1) Am I making a mistake in considering getting back together? She still seems confused on top of just recently ending things with another person. Mind you she was still in contact with me during that time. Also, saying "What does the future hold" does not seem like a sign that she is confident in where she's at.

2) is taking things slow possible, in your experience, when you have dated someone for over a year already?

I believe she is using you as a fallback. Yes you seem to be a very important fallback for her, because it didn't work out with that guy so she went to you. What would have happened if things actually worked out with that guy? I don't think this is a recipe to a true healthy relationship. If I were you, I would try and see if you are better alone.

I think she needs to not be in any romantic relationships until she gets her mind straightened out. Because of the children (you haven't said how old or how many) she needs to have a plan for her future and them that doesn't require relying on a man to be there, but maybe has room for one. Any man she dates or has a committed relationship with needs to fit into her plan. However, that is her responsibility as are the children.

The questions you need to ask yourself are:

Can you trust her again? If the answer is no, then tell her goodbye and good luck.

Are you okay with your relationship taking a lower priority than the one with her children?

Can you sit her down and let her know that she has to make her own decisions about the future of her and her children? All other relationships are dependent on that one for right now.

Are you willing to be just friends with her? Be there as a male friend not a boyfriend.

What do you want for your future? Does it include concerns about her fidelity and being a father figure for her children? Does it include a new relationship with a woman who hasn't hurt you emotionally and brings less baggage to the relationship?

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Originally Posted by paxe

I believe she is using you as a fallback. Yes you seem to be a very important fallback for her, because it didn't work out with that guy so she went to you. What would have happened if things actually worked out with that guy? I don't think this is a recipe to a true healthy relationship. If I were you, I would try and see if you are better alone.

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I know this is one of my fears, but I waver between thinking I am the fallback and whether people sometimes need to experience other relationships to figure out what they are looking for.

I'm just getting to this. First, redhed said some powerful stuff concerning why she didn't tell you about her kids, so I hope you're past that.

What I would be worried about while you're giving it a second go is, what happens to you if another guy she wants to try out for a little while comes along? I mean, if you were the one that she wanted all along, why did she go out with the other guy?

I'm not quite sure what it is that you did to give her doubt in the first place concerning her children.

I know how it is dating a single mother. The kids in the relationship are not yours, and you kind of feel like an outsider, with little, or no, authority in the beginning.
But after time, and those kids warm up to you, it's really great. But you are still just a guy that's dating their mother it seems. Her priorities are the kids, first and foremost, and there is resentment sometimes.

But if you commit to a single mother, the kids are part of the deal. And you must never, ever, think that whatever it is that goes on, they come first in her eyes. Most guys are not willing to go along with this "deal". I was willing to make that deal, but it just didn't work out with her. I'm glad because I found my wonderful wife.

You need to ask yourself if you are willing to commit to not just her, but to her kids also. That's what she was wanting when she kept hinting around at the future.

Whatever it is that you decide to do, I'm sure you'll be fine because you seem very stable. More than most that come here with similar problems. Some are ready to dis-embowel themselves.

Good luck buddy.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think she needs to not be in any romantic relationships until she gets her mind straightened out. Because of the children (you haven't said how old or how many) she needs to have a plan for her future and them that doesn't require relying on a man to be there, but maybe has room for one. Any man she dates or has a committed relationship with needs to fit into her plan. However, that is her responsibility as are the children.

The questions you need to ask yourself are:

Can you trust her again? If the answer is no, then tell her goodbye and good luck.

Are you okay with your relationship taking a lower priority than the one with her children?

Can you sit her down and let her know that she has to make her own decisions about the future of her and her children? All other relationships are dependent on that one for right now.

Are you willing to be just friends with her? Be there as a male friend not a boyfriend.

What do you want for your future? Does it include concerns about her fidelity and being a father figure for her children? Does it include a new relationship with a woman who hasn't hurt you emotionally and brings less baggage to the relationship?

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Great questions. At some point or another I have thought about these things.

I think that I could trust her given she was willing to jump back in and show me that this is something she wants. I honestly think the other guy was something to simply get over me, which never happened. I do have reservations about the fact that she kept in contact with me while dating him. Id like to think its cause Im the one she wanted to be with, but its definitely something I need to analyze.

I always knew that her children would be her number one priority. When I found out about them ( who are 8 and 5 by the way), I contemplated this and thought that she was worth giving it a shot. The thing about this girl is that I have never met anyone like her. Not only was she my girlfriend but we were also best friends. It did take me a while to realize that because when we met I wasn't sure if I was the right person for her situation having 2 children. I think losing here made me finally realize that ultimately I do want a family and for the right woman I would be able to take in her children.

The thing that has me hung up is that she doesn't seem to be in a good spot to be starting this over again. I just sense that she is still wavering a bit about getting back together. I would think that if she came back to me she would be more confident.

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Originally Posted by jmjoseph

I'm just getting to this. First, redhed said some powerful stuff concerning why she didn't tell you about her kids, so I hope you're past that.

What I would be worried about while you're giving it a second go is, what happens to you if another guy she wants to try out for a little while comes along? I mean, if you were the one that she wanted all along, why did she go out with the other guy?

I'm not quite sure what it is that you did to give her doubt in the first place concerning her children.

I know how it is dating a single mother. The kids in the relationship are not yours, and you kind of feel like an outsider, with little, or no, authority in the beginning.
But after time, and those kids warm up to you, it's really great. But you are still just a guy that's dating their mother it seems. Her priorities are the kids, first and foremost, and there is resentment sometimes.

But if you commit to a single mother, the kids are part of the deal. And you must never, ever, think that whatever it is that goes on, they come first in her eyes. Most guys are not willing to go along with this "deal". I was willing to make that deal, but it just didn't work out with her. I'm glad because I found my wonderful wife.

You need to ask yourself if you are willing to commit to not just her, but to her kids also. That's what she was wanting when she kept hinting around at the future.

Whatever it is that you decide to do, I'm sure you'll be fine because you seem very stable. More than most that come here with similar problems. Some are ready to dis-embowel themselves.

Good luck buddy.

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Thanks that is really helpful advice. To answer one of your questions, I never did anything bad to make her doubt I could be good for her children. However, I did tell her that it would take me a while to get used to it and we should take it slowly and let me and them develop a relationship naturally. I did probably take the relationship slower than normal because of this and it frustrated her and eventually made her think that I couldn't see myself with her. It also made her think that I thought she wasn't good enough for me although I told her that was never the case. I probably also kept more of a wall up in the beginning because I was unsure of whether I could do it. I took the situation very seriously, and ultimately it pushed her away from me.

Classic example of the " BACK BURNER ".

She's USING YOU! Get that into your head now and save yourself a lot of heartache.

Women need EMOTIONAL SUPPORT! They will not rid of their car until they have a new car in the driveway.

You are losing this game hardcore every time you let her back in your life. Women want a mans man. You are acting like the man that will wait for her and provide that emotional support and let her back in whenever she wants.

She is taking full advantage of that. LOL. Too easy for her.

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Originally Posted by supermannnnnn

Classic example of the " BACK BURNER ".

SHES USING YOU! Get that into your head now and save yourself a lot of heartache.

Women need EMOTIONAL SUPPORT! They will not rid of their car until they have a new car in the driveway.

You are losing this game hardcore every time you let her back in your life. Women want a mans man. You are acting like the man that will wait for her and provide that emotional support and let her back in whenever she wants.

She is taking full advantage of that. LOL. Too easy for her.

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Ha... what makes you think that? She wants to come over this week to cook dinner. Im still unsure, but I have read some of your other posts and it seems that her actions are now speaking louder than her words. Well kind of :) I have told her that with me its all or nothing and she broke down and said that's not what she wanted... couldn't imagine life without me... etc...

What would be your gameplan in this situation?

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Originally Posted by ORD8

Anyway, so she dumps me beginning of Sept cause she doesnt think I can commit cause of the kids situation. Im cool with it at the time because Im still a little unsure. Anwhow, we kept up convo for a couple weeks until I cut it off because it was getting to me. A week later she stops by randomly, which completely made me want her back. The following week I tell her this and she says she loves me but she's seeing someone else now and wants to give it a shot. Fair enough so i backed off. So a couple weeks later after me ignoring emails, calls, texts, she emails me asking if we can talk cause she's having a tough time. I shouldnt have but I called her. Eventually we get back into talking about us and getting back together. She says she wants to take it slow. I agree. Last weekend we hung out and things were pretty normal, but then this week she says she needs to back off a little. Me, I was so frustrated I just agreed and said Im done. She then tells me she loves and im the one for her and asks me to wait. I said no of course.

So yesterday I was gonna swing by to drop off some of her stuff she left at my place and the other guy she started dating was there. I see his car in the driveway and leave.

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1st things 1st. What makes me think that? Your original post that I quoted above... LOL... She said she loves you but she's seeing someone else? Umm?? OK... It really sounds like she's playing you like an instrument. When you went to her house and saw ANOTHER MANS car in the driveway, what did you think? Did you think they were inside JUST TALKING? Let be realistic. They were probably inside doing something else. Im just assuming.


Sorry for being blunt. That's how I talk.

Im glad she is showing you through actions by coming over and cooking dinner for you. Do you deserve a round of applause now and is this enough action on her part? Because if you think it is, then I have bad news for you. It sounds more like her trying to patch things up with you temporarily... Now again, I'm just assuming.


What would be my gameplan? I wouldn't need one! I would apply NC and move on. I would think she is probably screwing someone else!

But IF AND ONLY IF, I wanted her back, then my gameplan would be as follows. And this only works if she really wanted me and loved me which I would never know.

I would apply NC since she already DISRESPECTED me as a MAN. Please don't ask me how she disrespected you as a man. Read your Original POST...

I would make her FEEN FOR ME by applying NO CONTACT. No contact is like letting the fishing line loose = the fish slowly swims toward you. ( like I said before, this only works if she REALLY wanted you in the first place )

Then when I feel like ( that little feeling inside ) she really wants me, I would give her 1 and only 1 chance to pROOOVE HERSELF. BY ACTIONS!. Never words.

Then when I feel like the actions are enough, then the 2nd chance happens.

But this is only an example. If I was you , I would just move on. I wouldn't even want her back...

Good luck. =) Sorry again for being blunt and sounding harsh. I like to keep it real.

Basically, I think your a good man. If your online, looking for advise on how to fix your relationship, then I'm assuming you are.

But is SHE?? Is she loving you the way you deserve? Is she treating you like UR ARE #1. Priority? Or is she stringing you along while messing with that other man??

Is she having sex with that other man?? Are you willing to share your girl??

These are just some questions I would ask myself...

She's confused and is taking you along for a ride. Don't play this stupid game with her. All girls do this- you'll lose in the end. Be a man and disappear- if she wants you back she'll nowhere to find you. Don't play the love triangle game because you'll get burned.

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Originally Posted by supermannnnnn

Basically, i think ur a good man. If your online, looking for advise on how to fix your relationship, then im assuming you are.

But is SHE??? Is she loving you the way you deserve? Is she treating you like UR ARE #1. Priority? Or is she stringing you along while messing with that other man???

Is she having sex with that other man??? Are you willing to share your girl???

These are just some questions i would ask myself...

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Im probably too good of a guy. Honestly, I have never been in a relationship where when it ended I couldn't let go. Somehow this time its different and this girl was different. On the same token, Ive never been through a situation like this where there were so many sketchy things to question. I really want to think she is better than that, but who knows.

So... I totally appreciate your advice. Ive been down this road a million times in my mind. I do question whether she is being honest with me now. The fact that she wants to take things slow with me, who she knows, and has spent a year with... make me question whether the other dude is still around. Also, she seems a little more distant and reluctant but she will definitely pull me back in when I say I can't wait and that its all or nothing.

Right now I feel like if I even have these questions in my head I definitely should walk away.

Good luck on making the right choices and playing your cards right.

Always make sure she's respecting you as much as your respecting her.

I too have been played before and that's when I met someone who taughtt me the GAME. After that, I promised myself I will never let that happen to me again. I wanted to protect myself, respect myself, and be aware of what's going on in the dating GAME.

Good luck to you ORD8.

Im sorry I don't see why dating should be a game,I always looked forward to going out with someone and getting to know them and letting them get to know me over a movie, a meal some drinks whatever.
I do not like dating being looked at as a game.
If it is a game where does the game stop?
Dating game?
Proposal game?
Marriage game?
Divorce game?
Start all over game?
Dating should be looked at as a time spent respectively,to get to know someone that while you are dating them your looking into having a future with them,and if you see there is a proublem with having a future you break it off right there,where is the game?

Im sorry but I think you are taking this game " WORD " too seriously.

Its just a word. RELAX.

Accept it. LIFE IS A GAME. LIFE IS COMPLICATED...

Many things happen and we are stuck not knowing what to do.

This is why ORD8 came to this website.

Game = Strategy. How to past the road blocks...

I am 100% confident my post will help ORD8 100% more than yours.

If you have someone better to contribute, please do.

I just did

Standing ovation

You know what Zippit, ill answer your question...

Ill tell you when the dating game stops.

When ORD8 and his girlfriend falls in TRUE, HONEST, REAL LOVE. The type he is looking for and deserves from a good woman.

Orrrr

When ORD8 finally lets go and moves on.

And of course, this is all ORD8 choice. We are only here to help him and give him advise.

He is the one in this situation and the one who needs to use Game = Strategy to come out on top in this difficult situation.

Unfortunately, matters of the heart are not an exact science.

While somewhat extreme and radical, superman does make good points to ponder. However, the fact that he was hurt by someone shows in his "gameplan".

Maybe he has built a wall up, who knows. But there is "meat" in his tactical advice nonetheless. I actually got a kick out of some of his posts.

It's really about respect. She cannot "love you like no other", and be dating "guy B".

I would refuse to be an "ace in the hole", or be with someone who is holding one.




Bottom line.