I met a guy at a party and we hit it off immediately. There was an immediate spark between us so we went back to his place. I stayed the night and we had a really passionate, romantic night. It was completely magical. We didn't have sex however. The next morning we both had things to do so he asked for my number and I left. He texted me later that day saying what a great time he had. We then met up the next weekend to go on a date. We went to a restaurant to have dinner. This was my first date however though and I was extremely nervous and really stupid so when he was in the toilet, I called my ex to talk about how it was going. He came back when I was still on the phone and things went a bit downhill from there. I was sooo nervous that I didn't laugh at his jokes or anything. We decided to go to a bar. When we got there my friend was there (I didn't know she would be there) and she was really drunk. A group of us were having a conversation when suddenly my drunk friend lifts my dates's top up and strokes his chest. She giggles and he enjoys it and lets her carry on doing it. Later on, she asks him, if he's interested in me then why isn't he paying any attention to me?'. He turned around, eyed her and then said 'I think YOU'RE interesting' to my friend with a flirtatious smile. I then asked him about what he just said and he completely denied saying that even though I just heard him.
So we ended up going on a few more dates and things were going really well. However when he came to visit me for the first time, he asked me where my friend was and kept asking 'how old is she'? And stuff like that. He was making me feel really hurt and uncomfortable. I turned around and said look why are you even here with me if it's her that you want? I said do you like her? He said yes and that he would have sex with her. I said well why the hell don't you go and see her then. She's just down the road. He said he prefers me though. I then just stopped talking to him because I was uncontrollably angry. He didn't say he was sorry but just said I'll wait until you're not angry anymore. After a while he then apologised and said he didn't want it to ruin our day together but I'm not sure if he was genuine. I get the impression he only apologised because there was such tension between us and he felt obliged.
I feel sooo hurt and betrayed right now. Words can't describe. Is this normal behaviour for a man you're dating, to tell you that he wants to have sex with your friend? It seems so cruel. Or am I just overreacting? Things are going really well between us and the sex is great. He says I'm beautiful. I just can't understand why he would go and ruin it
By saying something like that. I have begun to notice already that he's incredibly jealous and doesn't like me hanging around with my male friends. Is this his way of getting back at me or something? Why would he do this? Does he care about me whatsoever?

You're looking at this the wrong way, and not entirely fairly. I understand your anger/frustration, but a mature respect for the situation means you have to look at things from his side, too.

The night of your first date, your friend came on to him. She DID. You know that. Young men are sexually freakable. What you described her doing to him guaranteed she would get stuck in his mind. GUARANTEED. It's perfectly reasonable.

And based on how things weren't going perfectly for you two that night, his response is even more natural.

But he continued to date you. (With images of sexy friend floating in the background the whole time.) He tried. Truly.

Confronting people will often get you the lies you seek. This guy didn't lie to you when you confronted him about his interest in your sexually forward friend. He answered truthfully and let you handle your own reaction to it.

You asked the question, then you want to get mad because you don't like the answer? OK. But I warn you, that sort of stuff doesn't fly long-term.
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DATING TIP #431: Don't ask questions you already know the answer to... especially if you don't want to hear the answer out loud. People often lie when pressed directly on uncomfortable topics, so you may force someone into a lie they wouldn't normally have to give. Be careful here.
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Anyway, the betrayal and hurt you're feeling I guess seems reasonable to you, but I caution you that you are JUST dating. There is no commitment here, so the betrayal is minimal at best.

This guy may be more honest than you're used to, and even when he eventually apologized which I bet he meant, I'm sure he WAS sorry you got hurt) you didn't really want to hear it. So how can a guy win with you?

If all you want is to hear pleasant responses that make you out to be the winner in all situations, then be prepared to be lied to. There are plenty of men who would just praise you to heaven until you sleep with them.

This guy seems more down to earth. Maybe you should step back and give him a break. You are just dating, right?

And since you're just dating, it's perfectly OK to decide you two aren't meant to continue without all the added melodrama of pain and betrayal. It is possible to just acknowledge incompatibility, wish each other well, give him your friend's phone number, and part on good terms.

Become enemies is not the only way out. Whether the sex is great or not, the relationship deserves to be judged honestly and calmly.

What do you mean by:

Quote:

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But he continued to date you. (With images of sexy friend floating in the background the whole time.) He tried. Truly.

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Do you mean he is only dating me to get to my friend? Do you think he actually likes me or is he using me to get to her? He must have liked me to approach me first at the party right?
Also you say that this guy didn't lie to me when he answered however he lied to me when he said that he never made the comment about finding my friend interesting even though I clearly heard him. He also comments on women walking down the street sometimes and says he would like to have sex with them too or they're cute etc etc :(

Guys can be clueless like that... I am always dealing with the same problem as you - I also have an attractive friend, people say we are both attractive, and many times guys got confused between the two of us (approached one of us but ended up also flirting with the other). My friend, like yours, also likes to flirt with my guys, which I hate and which recently led to a big argument. Guys are ambiguous like that, so our best bet is to hope that we can trust our friends not to go after guys that we like!
Your guy should never admit to wanting to have sex with your friends, or with other women in the street. We all know they would do it... but at least they shouldn't tell us in our faces. That is disrespectful, even if it's true. Some truths are better left unsaid.
I honestly would not trust your guy after all that. Chances are that if you break up with him, he'll seek out your friend. It's a tough situation to be in... It's up to you if you can handle hearing him talk about other women... I don't think I could. But maybe you can have a conversation with him, and tell him that you'd rather not hear all that stuff, that it makes you very uncomfortable... and hopefully he'll stop being that open. I'm sure he likes and finds you attractive... but he sounds like someone who wouldn't hesitate to jump on someone else, given the chance.

Soraya, your post is completely sexist and biased. Not all guys go around thinking that, so do NOT lump us all into that category. That would be like one of the guys saying "All girls just imagine themselves banging other guys"

Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one. You have to decide how much longer you are willing to be played

If you were a guy kirai , I would tell you to grow a pair and tell him to hit the road.

You're only dating and he already messed that up, how many warning signs do you want?

He obviously didn't feel the two of you were exclusive, and he was free to have sex with whom ever he wants. That may not be good behavior, but is typical of young guys.

You probably thought you had more going on with him than he did. He was honest, and showed his true colors early, but you ignored the signals, and now your hurt and angry. Now what?

Get over this, and take a lot more care next time. He only took what you willingly gave him. And will do it again.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Soraya, your post is completely sexist and biased. Not all guys go around thinking that, so do NOT lump us all into that category. That would be like one of the guys saying "All girls just imagine themselves banging other guys"

Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one. You have to decide how much longer you are willing to be played

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LOL, I didn't mean to be sexist or biased! I just spoke from my own experience. I have yet to meet that guy who approaches me, and stays focused on me while my girlfriend flirts with him! I don't like it any more than you do, but that's the sad reality. I suppose I have been meeting the wrong kind of guys all along then.

Thank you so much for your responses guys!

You said Romefalls:

Quote:

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Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one

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Just out of curiosity, what are the classic signs of a player? I think I know some like for example he is a self-professed lady lover and he won't show me his phone etc. But on the otherhand, he has also had a serious of long-term relationships in the past i.e. longer than a year or 2. So how can you spot a player? Or alternatively an insecure guy who's trying to big himself up?

Not showing the phone
Texts or calls that he will hide or say "I don't know" to who it is(more than a few times)
Says he will call but doesn't(more than a few times)
Basically anything that they do that makes your gut sit uneasy... Usually follow it

Soraya, I can completely relate to you haha. I hate it when guys seem interested in you and then switch their attention to your friend. It drives me mad and makes me angry with my friend. They should know better though really than to flirt with a guy that I've already made my mark on :)

She is not your friend, and he is not your man, mark or not.

Threads merged

Hey. I feel like I'm in a really grey area with this guy at the moment. We've broken up a few times but always end up back in the same place, sleeping with each other and not knowing where we stand. This is like the third time now this has happened. We slept with each other again recently and spent a whole weekend together. He paid for everything. It was great but yet again I don't know where I stand with him. He wants me to go and visit him on Valentine's Day but I'm finding this situation to be a big mess and too confusing. I can't help feeling like I'm a booty call.
So, how do I approach this guy and tell him about my feelings without scaring him off/sounding accusatory etc. I just want him to open up to me and be completely honest about what he sees me as. What's a good way of doing this?

Advice from guys themselves would be great! Also, the exact words I should say/text him if possible :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kirai

I can't help feeling like I'm a booty call.

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This sums up your entire post right here. I truly think this is all this is. You shouldn't have to explain to someone your feellings, and be scared doing it. Frankly, having sex without any other emotional attacment is nothing but sex... booty call. Perhaps you two should work on that emotional attachment before you jump straight into bed with him. You are playing right into this as well...

As a guy, this is a perfect situation actually. If a guy can get laid with no other strings attached, I am sure he is happy. In my case, I find it more appealing to take it slow, enjoy one another's company, and let things develop from there. If you aren't interested in just being some random sex object, then you need to tell him where you stand, otherwise this ain't going to change. If he can't handle it, then so be it, at least you stand by your morals.

Best to just tell him what your wanting from this relationship and what your expecting, or woul dlike to have. Whatever you do- don't get in bed with him, till the situation is cleared and sincere

Remember, guys are not the open talkative types like girls are. A guys emotions are suppose to be hidden according to society. The only thing a guy will open up to is free sex. So as you said you are simply a booty call for him when he can't get laid anywhere else. Tell him that door is closed and locked until you both understand where this relationship is going. I suspect he will no call anymore after that. But at least you will have your answer.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Remember, guys are not the open talkative types like girls are. A guys emotions are suppose to be hidden according to society. The only thing a guy will open up to is free sex.

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What society do you live in? We aren't in the 40's or 50's here. As far as I understand it, guys are expected to be more compassionate and caring nowadays. Yes, there are certain things some guys don't want to talk about, just like there are certain things some girls don't want to talk about. I am a guy who carries my emotions on my sleeve for the most part, which isn't really a good thing all of the time.

This particular guy seems to be open to the idea of an easy booty call... that isn't every guy in general. Also, maybe it is an issue of poor communication that is holding this back from being anything more than sex. The problem is, guys cannot read the minds of women, so if you don't speak up, how in the HEK are we supposed to know something is wrong...

Carry on... :cool:

Why do you keep completing the same pattern with guy? It doesn't matter if he paid for it or didn't. You are setting your ownself up emotionally.

If your having sex with him you shouldn't be afraid to talk to him because after all your're having sex.

I not even should if this guys wants anything more and might just be comfortable in his current position with you.

When your in a relationship with someone your share things. You share secrets, talk about your childhood, and future together. This guy might not have open up to you because he might not feel anything towards you but sex. People knows if anything is going develop into something and he might not feel what you want him to feel.

So in a nutshell you can talk to him about your feelings but don't get upset if the outcome isn't want you want to hear. Before you've sex with someone know your position before hand.

Stop having sex, and see whats left. Then you won't have to talk to know where you stand.

Stop sleeping with him - seems all he wants from you !

**Edited**
He's never going to be honest with you. Because your are just a person who he haves sex with, to him. The best thing to do is just don't contact him or anything. Or you are going to get hurt

I totally agree with Talinman. Stop having sex and see what's left.

If he really is just there for sex then you'll soon see less of him and if he's not, which sadly is doubtful, then you'll see that too!

Hope it works out for you :)

I have a great rule of thumb to go by with this type of stuff, I shall share it with you

"If you can't open your mouth to them, don't open your legs to them."

Ok so here's the update. I sent him an email asking him where exactly I stood with him and to be completely honest with me. He called me back and said 'I like you, so let's start dating again'. There was an awkward silence in which I didn't know what to say and found myself mistrusting him. I said I would think about it. Today however, I sent him a sweet email in the morning saying thank you for calling and how nice it was to be honest with each other for once etc. However he didn't reply. A reply wasn't really necessary but I thought after making progress, he should at least reply to me. So I sent him a heated message in which I said he has no respect for me since he didn't reply, he doesn't care about me whatsoever and I accused him of using me for sex. I got a phone call from him a short while later. He seemed quite angry. I said 'Is it true then?' and he said no its not. I like you. But he kept coming up with these crappy phrases like you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink and he said he could convince me as much as he wanted to but I would never believe him. It was my choice to believe him or not. Then he accused me of being mistrustful and making 'false charges' against him. It was so strange, by the end of the conversation I found myself feeling guilty for asking him those questions and apologising to him. He was really exacerbating me though. He kept saying ' what do you want me to say?' and 'theres nothing I can say or do to change your mind'. You're choosing not to believe me. But seriously, in my defence, he has this whole air about him which is mistrustful. I mean he didn't exactly try and convince me that he wasn't using me for sex. He just said I was mistrustful and that if I chose to believe those things then it was my problem. By the end of the conversation, he said there's no way he wanted to ever go back out with me. Am I in the wrong here for accusing him? I seriously don't know what to think anymore.

No. I think you did what you considered right. Sometimes you have to follow your gut instinct. By the way he reacted, he handled it pretty poorly, even if he was offended. I am not sure this would have gone anywhere had you both started dating again anyway, so better to end it now.

If he truly was offended by this and felt it was all you accusing him, I would think he would do his best to assure you of that and not just throw it back in your face as some trust issue with you. You guys have broken up multiple times, that ain't a recipe for a healthy relationship regardless. Time to cut your ties and move on...

Carry on... :cool:

So let me get this straight, you asked him to make a choice and to let you know where you stood with him, he then asked you back out and you tell him you will have to think about it? If I was a guy and got that answer, I would be heated and offended not to mention question your motives.

I can see you're the insecure impulsive type aren't you?

Your actions are very confusing.

I'm really quite at a loss as to what she wants from him.

Maybe I didn't explain it very well but I was annoyed with him because he said 'I like you and want to start dating you again' so casually as if we were debating over whether to have a takeaway for dinner or something. But if we do choose to date again then it will be a long distance relationship as well so I was annoyed that he treated it so lightly without much thought. One of the reasons we originally broke up was because of the distance but this time around he said 'yeah it's fine' even though it was such a major issue to begin with. It left me feeling suspicious.

I was in similar situation and it was cause he needed his space but when he came to see me we end up in bed. Which meant I didn't no where I stood but if you give him time and space things will sort out eventually.

Most of your problem has been a lack of communications I feel, and the distance doesn't help that.

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Had that fact been included, I am sure that people would have addressed that issue as it's a big one.

Its pretty obvious your afraid to talk with him honestly, and you appear to think just having sex is about love. Its not so either learn each others language, or leave him alone. The confusion comes from not talking and listening.

It has to be frustrating for him, when he does talk, you don't listen, or get mad when he is to casual for your tastes, what's that about?

I live across the road from him before I let him have space we were practically together 24/7 which caused arguments

Hey talaniman. I just read that article that you posted... and that's the thing. There won't be an end goal in our relationship. He used to live in my city but he moved to a different city. He's never moving back here probably, I'm never moving to where he lives. Also, I'm only in this country for 2 more years then I'm going back home. He also says he never wants to get married. So actually, saying it like this has made me realise that there's probably no point to this relationship since it's going nowhere. What's the point in even having a long distance relationship if it's not going to result in anything? This is why I was angry with him when he said 'yeah we can start dating again'. He said it so flippantly with no thought at all as to what it would actually be like.
One of the reasons that we don't communicate very well is that although he speaks English fluently, there are still some cultural differences to overcome. It's frowned upon for men to express their emotions in this society and so he rarely ever does it. I think it's reached the point where he's literally incapable of doing so since he's bottled them up for so long. This makes it near on impossible for me to know how he feels about me. I'm not an insecure person however I end up behaving this way when I'm with him because I never know what his feelings are.

In fact I do listen to him we do talk to each other and we know when each other is upset

I think your right Kia, he isn't the one for you. You knew that though. Besides the sex, he doesn't sound like fun and given the situation, it doesn't seem like fun, so your right, leave him alone, and save the drama and confusion and make sure your enjoying yourself.

You don't need the title of relationship for that do you??

I don't really know why but I completely changed my mind and thought right I want to give this relationship one last shot. The romantic in me came out and I thought well we've been this far together and we can't seem to leave each other alone despite the distance so maybe it could work if we let it. I wanted to give it my best. He seemed to want to start dating again so I thought I'd give us a chance. However I said I would need time to make my decision about whether to date him or not. He said OK take your time. It's been a few days now and things were going really well at first. Like when we were arguing he called me four times in the space of 5 days which is rare for him because he doesn't strike me as a big phone person but it seemed like he was making a big effort to get things straightened out. However today he went to the doctors with an injury. He said he was going to tell me when he got the diagnosis. This was at 8 in the morning. The whole day passed and I still didn't receive a text from him telling me what his injury was. I texted him but still no reply. I'm sitting here kind of angry with him because if we ever want to make this long distance relationship work then he needs to communicate with me. I want to know how he is and I'm worried about him. I know we're not technically dating at the moment but I just can't help but feel that maybe he doesn't care about me if he's not texting me. If boys like a girl then they want to text/call them a lot right? It's heart-breaking that he just doesn't seem to be making an effort. Do you reckon that he's not interested or that he's just a bad communicator? If he wasn't interested then he wouldn't suggest dating again in the first place would he? I'm not sure anymore. Sorry for keep posting about this. I'm sure this mess will come to an end soon enough. It's going to reach make or break point.

You should recognize that a lot of this emotional yoyoing is from you. Not having patience leads us humans to presume, and assume, and go off on all kinds of mental directions.

We always think the worst, and take it personally. You said you would try again, but falling back into bad habits is not trying again, its repeating old behaviors that broke this up in the first place. Reread that link again, you missed something.

It's a big red flag that someone has to always prove themselves to a partner. So I guess you should let him know how you feel when he doesn't call, and makes your mind, and emotions wander like that.

Sometime we just have to wait, and not take it personally. Just because you feel he should be texting, doesn't mean he feels the same.

These are things you talk about, and listen to his side and resolve together, or else your wasting your time.

Threads merged


My boyfriend wanted me to go up to visit him to celebrate my birthday and he kept calling me birthday girl in the run up to my birthday etc. However when my birthday came I waited eagerly to hear from him the whole day. When he didn't text I just thought oh he must be busy at work and he'll call me later. But in the end I didn't hear from him at all on my birthday. The next morning he texted me a normal text saying what's up etc. I sent him a text back saying I couldn't believe him. He said what's wrong? I said you forgot my birthday. He said well I do know that it's your birthday and that's why you're coming to visit me to celebrate except I forgot to send you a text yesterday so I'm sorry. He said it as if he was apologising for leaving the milk out of the fridge or something. I said you don't seem to quite understand. I was waiting to hear from you the whole day and was extremely hurt when I realised you'd forgotten. He said I'm sorry I went to bed very early. He said he would call me. I said I was too angry and he said OK I won't bother you then. I really can't understand him. If this had been my ex boyfriend then he would have been absolutely mortified if he'd forgotten my birthday and would've called me profusely apologising. My current boyfriend however made it seem like it wasn't a big deal and just sent me a text saying sorry but he went to bed early. Am I overreacting or is this rude? It really hurt when he didn't contact me. He's supposed to be the one person I can rely on to remember my birthday above everyone else. It made me feel like he just didn't care about me when he forgot. What do you think? What would you do in this situation?

This is coming from a guy that has been in your boyfriend's shoes.

I didn't completely forget my past girlfriend's birthday, (we're broken up now), but we celebrated it a week early because I had to go out of town on her birthday, and on her actual birthday, I completely forgot because I was working constantly... until about 3am.

I have no excuses, I did forget as I was working all day and all night... finally, I called around 3am, and I profusely apologized, but she was angry as well.

Really, it was a mistake on my part, there's no doubting that.

To be honest, he's apologetic, and it's not that he COMPLETELY forgot the birthday, as he knew it was your birthday, so I suggest you stay mad a little bit, perhaps get him to make it up to you a bit, and then let it go. There's another birthday coming up sometime next year, right?

I had a hard time keeping track of my ex's birthday too. I know it was in the end of October ,but when in October I had no idea.
As sneezy said stay mad for a little bit and have him make it up.