I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...

I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my boyfriend of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.

I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.

I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?

What should you do?

Jump for joy that he is gone out the door..

He does not love you, expects you to wait for him,possibly,if he does not find someone he considers better.. so he is off having sex,yes sex with other women while you sit and cry..

Does that sound fair?

He has some neck to say that to you,and feel that you have wronged him in some way,cause your upset that he wants to get his rocks off!

Change the locks,call your friends,call your family,gather support around you,and thank your lucky stars you did not marry this man.

Had to spread the rep redhed.

Did he seriously think you'd believe him when he said he would marry you but not now because he needed to see what else is out there? If he wanted to marry you he wouldn't need to see what else is out there. What a load of BS. Be glad you found this all out now and not further down the road.

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he does not like a promiscuous girl

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And you are supposed to be happy with a promiscuous boy?

It is time to say good riddance to that individual and give him his ring plus whatever else of his you have. Then begin No Contact. Have him return your belongings via family or friends. There shouldn't be anything left to say after that.

He isn't only insensitive he is putting your health at risk by his playing around.

I wouldn't believe a syllable he says about being faithful after the wedding. I would be afraid he was setting up dates with the catering staff or bride's maids.

Let him play with his promiscuous women that he doesn't like.

You can find a real man who knows that love is more than a word and that a promise means something.Don't let his stupidity make you think that all men are like him. There are many more who respect their relationships.

Don't let his actions cause you to doubt yourself. He is the one with the problem not you and letting yourself take any blame for his infidelity will tear your self-esteem and respect apart.

It won't be easy but you will survive and be stronger for getting rid of him.

He's trying to keep you as a safety net. He wants to explore, while keeping you and trying to make sure you don't look for anyone else in the process. This is the definition of selfishness. No contact, disappear from him and never return. Find a real man who will stay faithful and committed for the long haul. Do not believe the "i will be faithful once married" bit, that's just a line to try to keep you.

As others have said, that is incredibly selfish on his behalf. Begin NC right away, you will not be anybody's backup. I honestly cannot believe that this guy has the nerve to even say this to you. When my ex started asking me about marriage (after a little over a year of dating) and I said eventually, but not right now and I told her it was because I didn't think we were ready financially, relationship-wise, her still being in school, etc... all what I would consider valid reasons (she broke up with me like 3 weeks later because "I didn't have the same time horizons as her" lol... but you get my point). His reason for not wanting marriage to go out and date other women and then coming back to you is bogus. Drop him like it's hot.

It sounds like he does not respect you. If you stay with him, then you don't respect yourself either. You can love someone unconditionally and still keep your self-respect. Parents do it all the time when they "cut the umbilical cord" and kick their kid out of the house for their own good.

Thanks for all the support.
I know it is clear as black and white. I have no intention to be fooled by his lie, and will go my way separately. I just cannot believe he had such an animal inside of him, and obviously I was blinded by his sweet talk. It hurts so bad though, and I do not know what to do to forget this pain.

I am keep saying to myself, I must be Ok after for a while, but I just cannot stand the image that he is with someone. It is totally disgusting.

If you read the stickies on no contact they really give great advice and tips to stay strong and recover...

If you need to vent there is always someone here to offer advice and support.

You ve made the right choice.
The pain will go away.
Good luck.

If you need us, someone will be here. Rant, questions, need ideas... All you have to do is keep adding to this thread.

Good luck. :)

Wow, it doesn't matter what you are thinking right now, just get in your mind to get this piece of crap out of your life. I am sorry for being mean here but after reading that it really makes me mad that someone could do that to somebody. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve his bullsh!t. Kick his lousy a$$ to the curb and be happy about it. You should never even consider marrying him in the future, nor seeing him again. He can't treat you like a piece of candy and try out the different flavors and see which one he likes the most.

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Originally Posted by adam_89

just get in your mind to get this piece of crap out of your life. I am sorry for being mean here but after reading that it really makes me mad that someone could do that to somebody. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve his bullsh!t. Kick his lousy a$$ to the curb and be happy about it. You should never even consider marrying him in the future, nor seeing him again.

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Adam,
I agree. I love your post. I am smiling in tears. I am actually in much better position than he is. I have a better job, more popularity, better looking, and never had a problem to be asked out. I just tried to be loyal, and he took it as granted.

When we started to go out, he was so self conscious about my popularity, and I have tried to stay in low key to compromise him. He must misunderstand, consider me as fool, and took advantage from me. Yes, he is a piece of crap inside and out. I will not be able to touch the disgusting creature anymore even though he begged me to do so. He seems a fatal dieses to me now. I am going to tell my family about his behavior tonight. I am pretty sure my father and brother will be really mad, and try to shake him hard.

I am glad you have such a leverage over him and feel better about the situation. Someone so stupid as he deserves a good shake to make him realize what he has just done. He will never get another girl as good as you and he realizes that and that's why he wanted you to stand on the sidelines why he took the snaps for awhile. That in my book and about everyone else's book is very unacceptable. The day will come when he realizes what he done and you will be happy again and far better off.

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Originally Posted by adam_89

He will never get another girl as good as you and he realizes that and that's why he wanted you to stand on the sidelines why he took the snaps for awhile. That in my book and about everyone else's book is very unacceptable. The day will come when he realizes what he done and you will be happy again and far better off.

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Adam,
Once again your kind words made my day, and helped me heal my wounded self esteem. Thanks again. You make me more cry.

Here is update.
When I came back from work last night by 9 pm, he was waiting for me in front of my apartment with flowers, and asked me if I was OK. I even did not look at him, did not answer anything, and refused to take the flowers. While I was opening my door, he was telling me he did not sleep with anyone, but had casual date with some girls he was not even into it. He said he did not know why he did it, and he did not even enjoy it. I asked him how long he had done it, and he could not even answer. It is totally empty lie, and only disgusting. I said we were done, and came to my apartment and locked the door.

He called me later about 4,5 times. I finally picked up the phone, and I told him "we are done and there is no hope, and I do not want to see him or hear from him anymore". He yelled at me I was overacting. What a jerk! I hung up the phone, and cried all night. I am very confused what I have to believe in from the whole 1.5 years of relationship with him. I do not believe any single word he said to me anymore. I cannot believe I was so fool and blinded. I feel like he stole my life for 1.5 years from me.

Try not to see it as if he stole this time from your life.
All relationships are experiences and we learn and grow from what we go through.
You found out what a jerk he is now not years down the line.
You ve done the right thing now stay strong and never have anything more to do with him.

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Originally Posted by confusedrebecca

When we started to go out, he was so self conscious about my popularity, and I have tried to stay in low key to compromise him. He must misunderstand, consider me as fool, and took advantage from me. Yes, he is a piece of crap inside and out. I will not be able to touch the disgusting creature anymore even though he begged me to do so. He seems a fatal dieses to me now. I am going to tell my family about his behavior tonight. I am pretty sure my father and brother will be really mad, and try to shake him hard.

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I would almost bet that this is a habit of his. Try to break down the self-esteem of one woman so that she accepts what he wants even if it is playing around. It is so nice to see a plan like that back-fire.

You definitely deserve better than him. I just hope your father and brother are careful not to 'shake him' too hard. I wouldn't want them crossing a line and the law getting involved. They don't need to deal with this idiot any longer, either.

What he did was wrong, but I do ask that you try and move forward, that is the only thing you can do. We can't stay and live in the past forever. We can only move forward and hope things get better from that moment on. You did a very good thing not giving into him. Does he really think there is a difference in cheating whether it be going on dates with someone or having sex with them? He still chose to have a commitment with you and he broke it. Dumb guy and very undeserving. You seem like a sweet girl and deserve something great. Just don't take your feelings from this relationship into the next one.

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I would almost bet that this is a habit of his. Try to break down the self-esteem of one woman so that she accepts what he wants even if it is playing around.

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Cat1864,
I agree with you every single word you said. I realized he controlled me, and I allowed him to do it to me. He always told me "I like nice girl, and nice girl should be bla bla..." to get what he wanted. He destroyed my self-esteem to contol me easily as he wanted. It will not happen to my life again.

I have not talked about him to my family yet, but I have to someday, because my father and his father are very close, they play golf every weekend together. I do not think my father & brother want to make their hands dirty physically for this crap, but I am pretty sure they will be very mad about this, and give him very strong warning as family level. My family treated him very well. By the way, he begged me to keep it secret from my family because we should work through by our own(!) last night over the phone. He must feel ashamed. What a jerk again! What have I done!

Don't beat yourself up-you only did what most of us have done on probably more than one occasion-you fell in love with someone who wasn't worthy of you.
Its his loss not yours.

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Originally Posted by amicon

Dont beat yourself up-you only did what most of us have done on probably more than one occasion-you fell in love with someone who wasnt worthy of you.
Its his loss not yours.

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amicon,
It makes me so sad, and make me more cry. Why would I be treated like this? Where is truth and decency?

There are good men out there as well as a number of insensitive morons believe that.
The pain your feeling now is normal and even though it hurts you ll get through it.
Be as angry with him and his behaviour as you need to be it ll help you on your road to recovery.
Talk to friends and family don't bottle it up.
Take care.

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Originally Posted by confusedrebecca

cat1864,
I agree with you every single word you said. I realized he controlled me, and I allowed him to do it to me. He always told me "I like nice girl, and nice girl should be bla bla..." to get what he wanted. He destroyed my self-esteem to contol me easily as he wanted. It will not happen to my life again.

I have not talked about him to my family yet, but I have to someday, because my father and his father are very close, they play golf every weekend together. I do not think my father & brother want to make their hands dirty physically for this crap, but I am pretty sure they will be very mad about this, and give him very strong warning as family level. My family treated him very well. By the way, he begged me to keep it secret from my family because we should work through by our own(!) last night over the phone. He must feel ashamed. What a jerk again! What have I done!

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I have a feeling before all this is over he is going to be extremely sorry for his misdeeds. I would almost bet that the fathers will be having words and I doubt that he will like the conversation. If he wants to talk, let him talk to them after you do.

Don't let him make you bitter or suspicious about men and relationships. We may hear a lot about this kind of person, but they really aren't as common as it seems.

Give yourself some time to heal and let the anger and hurt dull down. Tears and self-anger are common and take some time to work through. However, keeping yourself (mind and body) busy can help keep you from chasing the bad thoughts around in circles. Take time to do the things that YOU like to do and that make you feel good.

Just keep in mind that when you found out, you ended it. That was very strong action to take. You didn't believe him and let him string you along and go through a cycle a dozen times before you had enough. I can't count the number of individuals who think 'they can work it out or make it better if they just do more' then ask for help because it didn't work.

I don't think your self-esteem is as far gone as it may feel like right now. I think you just need to see it instead of the layers of self-doubt.

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Don't let him make you bitter or suspicious about men and relationships. We may hear a lot about this kind of person, but they really aren't as common as it seems.

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Cat1864,
You are right. What a wise advice. The last thing I like to see is he is destroying my future and real me. I cannot give in my future & happiness over his carp. I promise I will recover from this disaster, and will be the sweet girl again to rebuild my life by my own.

It hurts so much though, and I almost feel like someone is sticking my heart with sharp object...

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Originally Posted by adam_89

Does he really think there is a difference in cheating whether it be going on dates with someone or having sex with them? He still chose to have a commitment with you and he broke it. Dumb guy and very undeserving.

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Adam,
It is just horrible. I just realized that I saw a hicky on his neck while ago. He said it was a bug bite, but now I am certain he slept with someone else... oh, god... oh, god. My hands are shaking while I am tying it... I was perfectly happy, but now everything turned out to be ash

Calm down. It could mean nothing, but in the end of the day you should leave him asap before he hurts you more. At least it may give him some perspective and it if means to be he'll go back with you. And if you start being sad, tell yourself plenty of us passed by that and we support you.

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Originally Posted by confusedrebecca

Adam,
It is just horrible. I just realized that I saw a hicky on his neck while ago. He said it was a bug bite, but now I am certain he slept with someone else... oh, god... oh, god. My hands are shaking while I am tying it... I was perfectly happy, but now everything turned out to be ash

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Don't let this bother you. Just seeing how it makes you feel, doesn't that make you happy that you will never have to feel it again from him? I have been cheated on by a few different girls in the past but once they were out of my life, I was happy and it didn't bother me anymore and I had to move on. That is exactly what you have to do. I know you will have a few days of feeling bad but you will get passed it. You need to be around friends and family right now. Or you can just stay here and talk to us. We will be here for you.

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doesn't that make you happy that you will never have to feel it again from him?

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Adam, thanks again, and you are right, He cannot make me feel this way again, because I am done with him. I should be happy then. Thanks for your insight... how did you get over them in your past? Did you love them deeply and promise the future with them?

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Originally Posted by paxe

Calm down. It could mean nothing, but in the end of the day you should leave him asap before he hurts you more. At least it may give him some perspective and it if means to be he'll go back with you. And if you start being sad, tell yourself plenty of us passed by that and we support you.

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Thanks, all of you are so kind, and it means a lot to me.

And by the way, I got cheated on, and my ex took a picture of the moment... so I guess I can tell you I know what you feel and it sucks. But after some time the pain DOES dull down.

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Originally Posted by confusedrebecca

Adam, thanks again, and you are right, He cannot make me feel this way again, because I am done with him. I should be happy then. thanks for your insight... how did you get over them in your past? did you love them deeply and promise the future with them?

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Well, a couple of them were just a shortly lasted relationship because I learned quickly of their ways. There was one that got me though. We were together for about 7 months. Lived together for awhile and everything. The biggest kicker was that she was pregnant after we were together for awhile and I was living with this girl who I loved and she was carrying my son. Well, Come to find out is that she liked to play the field too and it wasn't my son who was in there. I was actually happy that I would be raising a son and she took that away from me and made it hell for me. I guess I just worked too much and that gave her too much time to do what she wanted and I guess having sex with other men was what she chose to do with her free time. After I found out all this she went to live with her mom and I just stuck with my family and friends and they made me feel a lot better and I just had to move forward and keep my mind off it and after awhile the pain did go away. It is a painful thing but there are much better things out there then people who are like this. I am glad you made the decision on making yourself better and getting away from this piece of crap.

paxe, adam,
Thanks for sharing your painful story with me. I cannot believe it is really happening. What kind of person took picture of that scene? What kind of person fooled around even with pregnancy? I feel so sorry for your guys, am just speechless, and heart broken.

I feel very sick now, and will leave my office soon. I feel like I will be sick like a dog for a while. Talk to you later, and you guys are really sweet & helpful for me. So nice of you for me, and I cannot stop crying...

I have had guys in my office huge crush on me, asked me out very politely multiple times, but I never consider it even for a sec because I was taken, and had the promise ring in my finger. It turns out nothing to me now. I feel so empty and helpless... and crying...

I'm sorry for your tears and sorrow. I wish I could help more. Just remember we are here for you and we would like to see you around here a lot now, no matter where you post. We are here for you.

Hi all,
I left work early, stayed in bed and was sick like a dog last night.
I heard he called my name, knocked my door around 8 pm. I was in dark room, kept myself in silence, and pretended I was not home. He repeated it until 10:30 on and off, and finally left. My phone rang all night long, and I finally had to unplug it. He left pathetic voice mails multiple times. One of them says he turned down all his profiles just after we had the fighting, and we need to talk.

If he really believed it was OK to see what else is out there while he was wearing the promise ring, why he had to suddenly turn it down? It proves me again, it was totally bs, I was played, and he is a piece of crap. He ruined the precious love, and it cannot be restored anymore. I am wondering what lies he told to other girls.

I saw a bunch of flowers on my door step in the morning, and I immediately dumped them in the trash can. I am going to change my lock and phone number in a coule of days. Phone number wise, he will find out new number somehow if he tries, but it will give him a clear message I do not want to talk to him, and I guess it is worth to go through the hassle. It is only my 2nd NC day, and I am helplessly crying...

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Originally Posted by paxe

And by the way, I got cheated on, and my ex took a picture of the moment... so I guess I can tell you I know what you feel and it sucks. But after some time the pain DOES dull down.

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paxe,
How did you end the relationship? How did you cope?

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Originally Posted by confusedrebecca

Hi all,
I left work early, stayed in bed and was sick like a dog last night.
I heard he called my name, knocked my door around 8 pm. I was in dark room, kept myself in silence, and pretended I was not home. He repeated it until 10:30 on and off, and finally left. My phone rang all night long, and I finally had to unplug it. He left pathetic voice mails multiple times. One of them says he turned down all his profiles just after we had the fighting, and we need to talk.

If he really believed it was OK to see what else is out there while he was wearing the promise ring, why he had to suddenly turn it down? It proves me again, it was totally bs, I was played, and he is a piece of crap. He ruined the precious love, and it cannot be restored anymore. I am wondering what lies he told to other girls.

I saw a bunch of flowers on my door step in the morning, and I immediately dumped them in the trash can. I am going to change my lock and phone number in a coule of days. Phone number wise, he will find out new number somehow if he tries, but it will give him a clear message I do not want to talk to him, and I guess it is worth to go through the hassle. It is only my 2nd NC day, and I am helplessly crying...

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He is just trying to get you back because you are a girl he believes he can control and you do whatever he wants you to do. Well, I am proud of you for standing strong and keeping him away from you. Distancing yourself the way you are is a good thing that you are doing. He really did screw up a wonderful thing and I think now is the time he will try hardest to get you back but don't fall for his games. You know how it went once and I almost guarantee it would happen again. Just stay strong and have a strong will. It will keep getting better.

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He is just trying to get you back because you are a girl he believes he can control and you do whatever he wants you to do. Well, I am proud of you for standing strong and keeping him away from you. Distancing yourself the way you are is a good thing that you are doing. He really did screw up a wonderful thing and I think now is the time he will try hardest to get you back but don't fall for his games. You know how it went once and I almost guarantee it would happen again. Just stay strong and have a strong will. It will keep getting better.

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Adam,
I agree with you. I do think it was a good enough indication that he will cheat on me again if I decide to stay with him. I have no intention to ruin my life for this liar, live in lie, and suffer. I do not have to be miserable. Sometimes, I have to say I am getting weak since it happened so suddenly, and I was not even thought it could happen to us. Everything happened so fast, and my head is spinning. Your support really keeps me staying strong. I still cannot eat or sleep. I hope it will get better.

I am wondering how I should take away the promise ring from his finger in future. Any suggestions?

I am so lucky to have all the support on this board when I really need it. Thanks a lot.

You are doing great and believe us it will get better and you will be happier. You just need to surround yourself with love and the people who love you and will never let you down.

As far as the promise ring, it should be no problem getting it back if you really want it. If you tell him to give it back and he refuses, which I wouldn't see why he would since he did break the promise but it was not a gift to him, it was a promise on his part to stay with you and to stay loyal. He did not hold up his part and has no right to keep the ring.

Let him keep his ring as a reminder of his bad behavior causing him to lose something of great value... YOU!!

Pawn yours, and treat yourself with the proceeds, and never look back! It may hurt a lot now, but the good thing is you are no longer with this cheating jerk.