All right, I really need some help. I dated this girl for a while, and we were absolutely in love. I could not believe how good things were; nothing had ever felt this good before. And yes, I have been in long term relationships before, so this isn't just the first relationship naïveté.

Then stuff just started to fall apart. We started fighting about stuff; and looking back on it I believe a lot of it was my fault. I tried to control and restrict the things she did, and for that I am truly sorry. We had been having problems, but I never thought I would lose her. But then some stuff happened that I am not going to discuss on this message board, and I lost her.

I didn't contact her for a few days, and then she dropped my things off at my room with a note that said she is sorry for what happened, and she really thinks we are the right people at the wrong time. I was heartbroken, but went to drop her stuff off as well. Later that night we were talking, and I ended up spending the night with her. It seemed great, but the next day she said it was a mistake.

After getting home from college, she started texting me and calling me fairly frequently, saying she missed me and things like that. It seemed like she wanted to get together, but it never happened.

Since then, I had my senior week for graduating college, and I got multiple texts from her saying she missed me and she loved me. I didn't react the way I should have, because I was drunk. In the weeks since getting home from graduation, I have gotten fairly regular texts saying things like I miss you, and I hate sleeping alone. We have almost hung out on numerous occasions, but she always at the last minute backs out. It has been almost two months since everything happened. Last week she sent me a message late at night saying that She thinks we need to work on our relationship if we want us to last. Last night, I replied to her that I agree, stuff wasn't working but I have worked a lot on improving myself and would like the chance to work on us, that I want us to last. She told me then that she isn't sure and wants us to work on getting along and being good friends at least, but that she isn't sure if she is ready for or wants a serious commitment right now at least.

What do I do? I don't understand what's going on in her head. I know all it would take would be us hanging out in order to get back together, I just don't know how to make that happen. Please help, this girl means the world to me.

You need to give her some space, she's obviously playing mind games, one minute she wants to be with you and the next she's not sure and its only because, you are giving her too much importance. You need to show her that you mean business by giving her space, she'll come back

If you've been in a long-term relationship before then you should know that thinking this way will ruin you and get you absolutely nowhere. I don't think you're as shrewd as you believe you are.

What do you do? Well, you've been here before so you know already.

What is she thinking? She's toying with you man. Can't you see? She draws you in by saying crap like "we need to work work on our relationship [what relationship I thought she's your ex?] so we can last", you fall for it, agree with her, she gets her validation that you're still in her palm of her hand, and then finally, she switches her position so she doesn't have to commit to something she doesn't want to. You're being played like a fiddle.

And don't count on her coming back.

The reason you don't know what she's thinking is because she has no idea what she wants either.

You need to put your foot down. You either work on it or you don't. No more playing mind games. Choices:

1) If you really want things to work, then tell her how you feel and don't continue with her mind games anymore.

a) If she says yes, then work on it together.

b) If she has doubts, then leave her alone so that she can figure out what she wants. In this case, do not return her calls until she agrees to work it out, instead of giving you mixed messages.

2) Forget her and just move on now. In which case, you block her out of your life. Leave each other alone so that you can move on.

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Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

If you've been in a long-term relationship before then you should know that thinking this way will ruin you and get you absolutely nowhere. I don't think you're as shrewd as you believe you are.

What do you do? Well, you've been here before so you know already.

What is she thinking? She's toying with you man. Can't you see? She draws you in by saying crap like "we need to work work on our relationship [what relationship I thought she's your ex?] so we can last", you fall for it, agree with her, she gets her validation that you're still in her palm of her hand, and then finally, she switches her position so she doesn't have to commit to something she doesn't want to. You're being played like a fiddle.

And don't count on her coming back.

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There is no reason to respond in this manner, you can get your point across in a more polite and productive way. You seem to be one who is quite jaded themselves, and you don't need to bring that in to your responses. I was merely mentioning that I have been in relationships before so that I wouldn't get a million responses back saying things like oh its just because you haven't had a real relationship before and you are young etc. I believe in love, and fighting for what is important to you. I will not give up on her, and I just want a little help and support from the people here. I know that it is not hopeless, but I am asking for any ideas people might have. Thank you to everyone who has responded, I stopped contacting her and after two days she texted me just to say hi. Please help!

I honestly do not think slapshot meant to come off sounding insulting. But anyway I will re-iterate what many above have said lagalaga : she is playing mind games and so you have to stop responding to her messages and her calls. She messaged you, so for now you should probably just ignore the text and continue with your NC. I'm on day 3 of NC and my ex has texted me three times since then. What I'm confused about ,if someone could just answer this real quick, ( don't meant to hijack this thread or anything) is what do I respond (if at all) if my ex has sent me messages and is assuming I haven't texted her because Ive been busy?

I know, this whole thing just sucks. I absolutely love her, and am not going to give up on this. I know there is a way to fix it, and I would do whatever I have to, I just wish I knew what exactly I had to do. That is the hardest part. I know I have the strength to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what it would take is sucking the strength right out of me.

Stop going along with her program, and let her know what yours is.

She is playing a game to keep you close, and keep herself, and your desire for her on your mind. That's exactly why she draws you in, but not as close as you want.

Keep playing her game, and you will keep getting the same results. She doesn't want you as a boyfriend, because if she did, she would be working with you and you would be together.

She wants a friend to talk to, and be like her girlfriend, who loves, and supports, and listens. WITHOUT THE ROMANCE, OR COMMITMENT. Her freedom to be single, but still have you there for her.

Until you see this, you will be available for her games, and be confused. Because you think she wants you, you will stick around, but if you told her "we either get together to build a relationship, I have no trust in you wanting what I want", she will either sh1t, or get off the pot. The point is let her know you won't play her games her way.

Most guys here, (and girls too!! ) are under the false (hope) impression that being nice, being available, and being willing to letting her call the shots after being dumped, will get a ex back, it seldom works that way. They end up wasting time because of false hope, and still get hurt, and dumped again.

Imagine that? Waiting for some one to change their mind after being dumped, working hard to keep favor, and then being dumped again, because she has moved to something else, and your holding your PUD, and wondering "What Happened"?

Even at the risk of losing her forever, keep your dignity, and self respect, by refusing to play the game.

If she doesn't work with you, to build a life you both can enjoy, she is against you, so act accordingly.

Leave and don't look back, even if she keeps calling you to play the game with her some more, until she tires of it.

If your not willing to do that for yourself..........good luck !

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I know I have the strength to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what it would take is sucking the strength right out of me.

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It takes a lot more strength to walk away, and do something better for yourself, than stay, and play her silly games.

Slapshot had the right of this. She's dumped you. Did it hurt? Why do you want more?
If you're a masochist there are plenty of Dommes in your area. The amateurs never get it right, anyway.

I don't know why you want to fight for her is she doesn't want to fight for you ( even if she says she will ). My ex also told me to wait for her and that we should work together, she only needed time. Well guess what, 3 weeks later she went with someone else. Luckily I decided not to be with her. Anyhow just forget her because all you will find is pain down the road.

I think you guys were in a dysfunctional relationship and neither of you want to let it go.
First you said things were good, then you said things started falling apart, you were fighting and you wanted to control everything she did.
I think you guys are the wrong people at the wrong time.
Leave her alone no mater what she says. You both need to be away from each other.

So it sounds like she is forgiving for whatever might have happened in the past.
It also sounds like she is fickle.
You have to ask yourself a couple simple questions. Yes or No.

1. Do you love her, truly love her. Not as a friend but as "the one"

2. Can you see yourself with her forever?

3. Can you live without her?

4. Even if all the above answers are yes for you, would she have the same answers regarding you?

Don't respond to her for about three or four days, no matter what.
See if she continues contacting you.
If she does get together. You don't even have to plan it. Just show up at her house. Prove you need her. Tell her how you feel. Don't get mad or upset if she doesn't reciprocate.

If she wants "friends", tell her that you love her, but too much to just be her friend.

If she wants "more than friends", tell her she must work at this, and its not going to be easy, but you both need to put and equal amount of effort into this.

Good luck and I hope this is helpful

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Originally Posted by lagalagallama

There is no reason to respond in this manner, you can get your point across in a more polite and productive way. You seem to be one who is quite jaded themself, and you don't need to bring that in to your responses.

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Well, I'm not for everyone.

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Originally Posted by lagalagallama

I was merely mentioning that I have been in relationships before so that I wouldn't get a million responses back saying things like oh its just because you havent had a real relationship before and you are young etc... I will not give up on her, and I just want a little help and support from the people here. I know that it is not hopeless, but I am asking for any ideas people might have.... I absolutely love her, and am not going to give up on this. I know there is a way to fix it...

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You've had your mind made-up before you registered an account here, you won't take our advice, you just hope we'll tell you what you want to hear. I've already wasted enough time on this thread.

So maybe if you can't figure out a fix this relationship is to the point that if you love her, you have to let her go..

Try one LAST time, if it doesn't work be strong, love her, but let her go

Yes, I had already made up my mind as to what course to take before I came here... I did a lot of soul searching before I came to my decision.

This is important enough to me to do whatever it takes not to lose her for good.

After looking at some of the other posts on different threads, it seems that maybe I have come to the wrong place. I was looking for help. However, almost every post on every thread is just telling people to get over it and move on. I am sincerely disappointed. The fact is that over 90% of couples get back together, so a breakup is not necessarily the time to end it.

Yes, from what I said it looks like we had a dysfunctional relationship. That is because I am posting the problem that I needed help with. I did not put up the whole story of our relationship, including all the reasons that make me want to stay, because frankly no one would have read it. Every couple goes through rough times at some point, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

I dom't think that it is fair to make assumptions as to what someone is thinking or feeling when you do not even know them. Love is not about making cold calculated decisions. Love is how your heart speeds up when you think about that person, or how doing the most simple things with them can suddenly be the most fun you have ever had. That is what love is, to me at least, and is not something to be given up on.

After she said she wanted to work on being friends, I stopped talking to her. Three days later she texted me just to say hi, and three days after that she texted me to say that she missed me. I responded about 4 hours later to that, but purposefully did not reply that I missed her, which I am sure she noticed. She seemed excited to talk to me. That was the last I heard from her about 3 days ago, and I have not tried to contact her, just to keep everyone here informed.

You love her.

She doesn't love you.

She's keeping you on a string that basically resembles a big ROPE. Why? Because it's easy. And because she obviously doesn't take your feelings into consideration.

There are certain types of people out there that like, for whatever reason, to give others hope and make promises or seem to make commitments they will never keep. Why? Ah, beats me. But what I do know is that you need to either tell her to "Cut.It.Out." or just plain ignore her. You graduated from college! Life is good!

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Originally Posted by lagalagallama

I know, this whole thing just sucks. I absolutely love her, and am not going to give up on this. I know there is a way to fix it, and I would do whatever I have to, I just wish I knew what exactly I had to do. That is the hardest part. I know I have the strength to do whatever it takes, but not knowing what it would take is sucking the strength right out of me.

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That's why she's doing this to you, because she knows you love her. Remember you need to love yourself more. Nobody deserve this kind of treatment.

We gave our opinions based on the information you gave us. If you have already made up your mind about what you are going to do, then there is no point asking our opinion, but don't get upset because they are not what you wanted to hear.

From my experience she is stringing you along. If you like to be hurt then go along and let her play some yo-yo. Kidding aside, if you want to get her back, give her space and act as everything is cool. Also bring her to some fun place it would lighten up the situation.

We tell people this because if someone says they don't want to be with you or don't love you,
We say this because you can't force someone, and why would you ever want to be with someone in whom you have to force to be with.
We also say this because if you keep contacting someone after they explain it's over, it becomes a form of harassment.
Also to add when you become too obsessive, you drive them even further away.
Furthermore ruining your chances of getting back.

Love is just an extension of an emotion, it is not a guarantee of a commitment. When you mix that up you will be disappointed many times.

I see nothing wrong with making a decision, and follow through with it.

Please keep us posted, and Good Luck!

Thank you all. Yes I did a lot of thinking before I came here, making sure my thoughts and feelings were not just due to the shock of the loss. I am determined to get her back, and that is why I came here. Not to see people's opinions pf whether I should or should not try to be with her, but rather to get advice on how to get her back.

I do not think it is that she doesn't want to be with me, I think that she is scared that if she is with me she won't be able to live her life in her own way. However I cannot know what is in her head without talking to her in person, and right now that is not happening. I am trying very hard not to push her away, have not tried to contact her since she contacted me Sunday night. Usually she texts me within three days, but this is day four; its getting really hard. Her profile also just went to private, not sure if this has to do with me or not, as we were no longer friends on fb and she may have just limitted her profile to only friends.

And yes, I know I am overanalyzing things, its just tough.

"I think that she is scared that if she is with me she won't be able to live her life in her own way. "

I think that is a good enough reason why she would not want to be with you. I think if she wants to be with you she will let you know. The fact that she is not contacting you speaks volumes.
If you want to sit around waiting, well I guess that is up to you.

I agree that it is a good reason, which is why I want to show her that she can live her own life and still be with me, that I have made changes and improvements in myself. I haven't heard from her since Sunday night, which is very strange and is kind of freaking me out. It is almost never this long between times she contacts me, and Sunday she did say she missed me, but now I feel like something has happened.

Nothing has happened. She has moved on and you need to do the same.

Nope, she instant messaged me yesterday, something she hasn't done in a very long time. I kept it cool, we chatted a little bit and that was it.

She is just worried some girlz tell someone they think they like I love you and stuff. But when it gets to th point of working things out, the girl may feel pressured or unsure. Give her some more space. Don't text back tell her she needs to think if she wants you or not. U shouldn't let her play with you mind and heart

Yea I have eased off quite a bit, giving her all the space she needs. I know we love each other, and I know I can't push things, its just hard not to. But yea I am giving her all the space she needs, not pushing anything for right now. She is a very stubborn girl, something I really like about her, except for right now. I know this is something she has to come to on her own.

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Originally Posted by lagalagallama

Yea I have eased off quite a bit, giving her all the space she needs. I know we love each other, and I know I can't push things, its just hard not to. But yea I am giving her all the space she needs, not pushing anything for right now. She is a very stubborn girl, something I really like about her, except for right now. I know this is something she has to come to on her own.

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If you don't mind me asking how old are you guys?

I am 22, she is 19.

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Originally Posted by lagalagallama

I am 22, she is 19.

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You are doing the right thing by giving her, her space. I know what you are going through and I know it's hard, you have to be strong. If you really love her the way you say you do, let it go for now. If it's really meant to be for you guys, it will come natural.

I've never been a big believer in fate, I like to think that we each make our own fate. It is so hard to sit back and do nothing, but if that is what I have to do to get her back then that is what I will do. I can't help but feel like I am making some kind of horrible mistake though.

When someone tells you to leave them alone or give them space, that is what you do, do "nothing"
To try and do "something" to get them back is disrespecting their wishes.
It's not about making your fate it's about respecting a person's wishes.

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Originally Posted by lagalagallama

I've never been a big believer in fate, I like to think that we each make our own fate. It is so hard to sit back and do nothing, but if that is what I have to do to get her back then that is what I will do. I can't help but feel like I am making some kind of horrible mistake though.

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You won't be making a mistake, she wants you to chase her. The best thing for you to do, is get someone else to occupy your time for right now, it doesn't have to be serious, just to get your mind of her. Don't let this girl play you!
Another reason why she's doing or acting this way, is because she knows you love her, and you'll always want her and be with her, if she knows, she can somehow loose you, believe me she will shape up.

If you want advice on how to get her back, then just badger her until she gives in. I've seen it work before.

I don't think that is correct. She was chasing me for a while, now it has just sort of stopped. It is very upsetting. And I don't know that badgering would work either, it might just push her further away. I am really at a loss as to how to proceed, I feel like I am further from getting back together with her than I was a month ago. I know if we just hung out a bit, everything would be OK, but I don't know how to get to that point.

There are a TON of girls out there that would probably kill to get a guy like you and you continue wasting time on an internet site asking how to get your ex back... does that seem logical to you? NO! Stop wasting time and go out and enjoy life.

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Originally Posted by lagalagallama

I don't think that is correct...

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Well it looks like your screwed then. Don't know what else to tell you. Sorry.

Yes there are plenty of girls out there who would like me. However, I am not interested in plenty of girls, I want this girl.

You don't want to badger her, that would get on her nerves and seem like stalking.
She told you to give her space, give her space, but in the meantime, get a life of your own.