Ask Me Help Desk - He says he needs time and space

He says he needs time and space

I am a single mom of 3 small kids. I have been seeing this guy (whose 27 I am 32)that works with me for about 3 months. Everything was going great we saw each other everyday now all of a sudden he says he needs time and space. Doesn't want me calling him or anything I am not sure what is going on. I am trying to give him space but at the same time I am not understanding what is going on. Someone please help me understand. Does he have someone else or what. What does it really mean when a guy tells you they need space??

YOU MUST pull back - leave him a lone.

SEE - the first few months you shouldn't see that person every day - YUCK! That's too much - way too much. Smothering.

We see this every day here - at first one person loves the attention grow to get annoyed by the over attention.

Let him come to you - be busy.

3 months is not a long time - you needed to SLOWLY go into a relationship. No rush. The WORD is SLOW!!

When you go fast and furious - see that person every day - you usually crash and burn.

Do you think that there is someone else??

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancingtwins

all of a sudden he says he needs time and space.

Give him a gift of a DVD set of Star Trek movies, that should provide Time and Space :D

Seriously, take it at face value. Three months is not a lot of time. Either he met someone else or he's not sure about the relationship or something else. For a 27 year old to take on an older woman (however slightly) with three kids, can be very intimidating.

He either wants to break it off and doesn't know how, or he just needs some time to decide what he wants to do. If it's the former, then you a well rid of him. If he doesn't have the honesty and integrity to tell you the truth, then you are better off without him. If it's the latter, the only thing you can do is give him the time and space he asks for.

I suggest you get on with your life and not wait for him. If he comes back, fine.

It helped. I am just not sure how to let that bird go

I guess the bigger question is how much time should I give him before I say in my mind it's over and move on?

The bird is gone. The question is whether it will return. Only time will tell.

Could be. You never know.

Some questions:

Did you see him every day?

Talk ever yday o nthe phone?

See him every day on the weekends?

See - early on you need to take it slow and learn about the person. What's the rush??

Are you feeling needy or insecure or were you??

It sounds like you were in a relatinship before?

Yes we saw each other everyday.
Talked on the phone and emailed each everyday.
Had lunch together everyday
Spent the weekends together
At one point I guess I was a little cingy and insecure

You don't know enough right now, which means you need to be on guard and reserved some.

When I started dating my wife I went through the same kind of thing... largely because:

1) I liked her a lot
2) I had plans to leave town in motion
3) she liked me a lot
4) she had a child
5) id already put off plans before for a relationship

Now... in my case, all worked out well. (by the way, I was 28 and my wife was 33 with a 13 year old)

For as much as I say usually when somebody pulls back, its done... well I guess it wasn't in my case.

BUT... in every other relationship I have had where the girl pulled away for space, it was OVER. Sometimes cause there was another guy in line, sometimes cause there was another guy in bed, sometimes cause they thought it wasn't what they wanted.

So... best you can do is some of what was mentioned. Stand your ground, don't cling to him. If clinginess is what draws him to you, is that any way to live? He wants space... there's really nothing you can do to stop that. You can limit his using you as a diversion.

I think its too early to judge here. Like I said... in my case, I needed a little time to figure out if I wanted to change plans again. And having the child involved complicated things, as in it ups the stakes. But my wife didn't chase after me. I kept going to her. When I did she made her position clear... she liked me large and shed love to see me... but she wasn't into games and she wasn't going to be a convenience stop.

I think you need to do the same. If he really needs to think things through, hell come around. If he really is stepping away, hell continue that path.

Be open. Be nice. Think of pleasing yourself first. Don't change your behaviour to try to please him. Give it a little time. You just don't know enough yet. Unfortunately that means some uncertainty for a while.

"Yes we saw each other everyday.
Talked on the phone and emailed each everyday.
Had lunch together everyday
spent the weekends together
At one point I guess I was a little cingy and insecure"

That's just too much. Ughhhhh! Way too much. I am surprised you're not sick of him??

You two needed a life away from each other. They are part of your life - not your life.

And you haqve 3 small children to worry about and work. Much more important than him. Don't ever put him ahead of you or your kids.

One the nights he wasn't supposed to come over that was fine with me but he came over anyway..

I will never put anyone before them they come first and for most.

Next time - and with him - take it SLOW.

I would not contact or talk with him unless it's work related.

Luckily we don't have to interact with each other for work related stuff

Good - just go on about your business. No neediness. Do not contact him. Believe me - if he comes back - this is the only way. You won't be able to convince anyone to come back.

Work on yourself. Realize what pushed him away and stop that.

Going forward - be less available.

When I was dating it always seemed as though 3 months was significant time. It would start to slow down or it would change directions. Give him time, I would not wait around for him though, if he comes back and you still want him fine. Three months should not be enough time for you to not be able to get on with your life. No one likes anyone clingy, male or female. To cut off completely, I would say he may have someone else in his life.

OK my only advice to you is to not rush him... let me tell you why...
My mom had twins ( me and my sis) at the age of 16. At 18 she met my (step) dad after 3 months of dating they got married and it was a really big step getting married and already having 2 small kids all at once.. my dad had his doubts but my mom wasn't willing to sit around and let him make sure this is what he wanted to do... after 18 years of trying to make everyhting work.. my dad left my mom.. now everything has gone to S***! So please don't rush him, he needs to make sure for himself this is what he wants... He needs to take the time for himself to reflect on how he wants his life to go.. and hopefully in your case he wants you and your family... I wish you the best!

Yeah - after 3 months -things change - you need to going gabout your life at that point and let them come to you.

What if I am really not sure what pushed him away. I have gotten some self help books and I am reading those.

Should I ask him if he wants to break it off?

Just my opinion. Forget him and have no contact. He wants space so be it. The sooner you move on the more quick you can get a life without him. For all intents and purposes it is broke off. Accept it and don't look back. After 3 months where you really that much in love or did the lust feel good? This relationship moved way to fast in my opinion and you got comfortable and he didn't.

No - but, I also wouldn't return his e-mails, text etc. - make him WORK for it going forward. Leave it be don't contact him.

I know what pushed him away - TOO MUCH!! Too much being together.

It's GOOD to be apart - make him miss you. No attention.

One of the things he said to me was absences makes the heart grow fonder! So I guess he is wanting to see if his heart grows fonder. I have a feeling there may be someone else should I try to catch him..

That's what we're trying to tell you!! Ok?

Don't WORRY about someoen else - there is also someone else until you are exclusive... after 3 months, in a HEALTHY relationship, you shouldn't be exclusive.

I think maybe you should date others as well - gives you a strong perspective on thngs.

Don't knock yourself out trying to figure out what's really going on. There's no way for anyone to really know. He himself might not even be sure. He may tell you one thing but subconsciously he may be thinking something totally different. The best thing to do is to give him the space he says he needs. Break off all contact for now, save for what may be necessary for business. Get on with your life and be able to enjoy it just as much without him as with him. Let him miss you. He may eventually start to chase you again. If he doesn't you'll have lost nothing and will have had the pleasure of knowing him while it lasted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancingtwins

One of the things he said to me was absences makes the heart grow fonder! So I guess he is wanting to see if his heart grows fonder. I have a feeling there may be someone else should I try to catch him..

Catch him doing what? Dating another woman when he has no ties to you?

Dancingtwins, I'm an emotional person so I know this stuff can really hurt but from what your posting you're the one pushing him away. I'd be pulling away if I was him. You've got yourself and 3 children to worry about that's 4 people total who should be occupying your time and energy. To me that's almost a good thing because it provides you, or should provide you with some focus and activity in your life. It sounds like he's been pretty fair by telling you that he needs time and space and said that maybe in the future you can get back together but that's a maybe and maybe's should always be considered never.

You've got to quit holding onto hope and tell yourself it's over.

Ok, I'm going to get harsh here. You came here asking for advice. Did you really want advice or did you hope someone will give you support by telling you to do what you want to do?

You have gotten very good and unanimous advice. LISTEN TO IT!!! FOLLOW IT!!! Give him the space and move on with your life.

Stop asking if you should do what everyone has told you NOT to do.

I wouldn't waste my time trying to catch him.

If he's honest, you're wasting your time.

If there's another woman and he just doesn't know what to do... well, shouldn't he have that time to figure it out? You, in the meantime do not have to wait for him, but I guess id rather he get another person out of his mind first. You are not engaged. You are not married. You are trying each to determine compatibility. Let him go his way.

Spending a lot of energy trying to catch him doing anything is just a distraction... not to mention a new trust issue.

As I said in my earlier post, I did some of the same things this guy did, for very "valid" reasons, no other woman involved, when I dated the woman who would become my wife. If I felt she were trying to track me down in a lie or she were obsessing over me, I'm not sure I wouldve been drawn back to her. And, at least in my case, it wasn't that I had lessened feelings for her. I just needed a little time to wrap my mind around everything I mentioned before.

Luckily for me, my wife was willing to wait a little while.

Please stay out of his business and move forward with your own life.

He just emailed me he wants to have lunch so that we can talk

Hmmmmm - say your busy - maybe tomrrow. Don't be on his call and rush to him. Seriously - he hurt you a little. Be different.

If you have something else to do,do it.

Well that's a good sign, but I agree with the others. Don't be at his beck and call or come running when he crooks his finger. Tell him you can't at the time he proposes, but come back with a counter proposal of a later time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancingtwins

He just emailed me he wants to have lunch so that we can talk

You are not ready for this. Please tell him thanks but no thanks for now. Maybe later.

Be less available to him. AND seriously - you need time to think about the gief and crap he caused you!!

Be busy. Be with your kids.

Let us know what you did and what happens - but pull back for now and decide - over several days IF he's worth it.

We decided to casually date but not date other people. I told him that I wasn't going to be at his beck and call and I didn't want to see him everyday. That we both needed to think about what we really wanted

Good for you!! Just remember he is just one guy and there are plenty out there who would treat you the way you want to be treated if you only let them! :)

TAKE IT SLOW!! By taking a step BACK you will find out if you really like him or not - or was just infactuation and the attention and being wanted.

Maybe He Is Sceared Of A Ready Made Family Does He Have Kids?sometime That's The Case Maybe He Need Time To Figuer Out Hum Is This What I Want?

Straight to the point... if he says he need timeout give it them and you find something else to do... read the reactions of other experts... there is a pattern here... their responses are not demeaning... but helpful...

He emailed me this morning and said that we haven't broken up he just needs some time and space. I told him I wasn't going to wait on him...