First of all this will be my first post here and just wanted to say Hi and thanks in advance.

Well here's my problem I have been dating my girlfriend for about 1.5 years and things have been good and it's been up and like any relationship. Through out our relationship she has lived with me and things have been good. Well since this past December things have been really stressful around the house. To give a little information I'm 19 and she's is 18 and I currently still live with my mom I'm pretty much like her caregiver just without the title.

So anyway It's just been rough and at times I make the mistake of taking my stress out on her kind of using her as my punching bag. Not literally but just I don't know she's my support when things get tough and I need someone to lean onto.

Well here's where the problem kicks in. She left the state to go be with her brother and spend time with him. And while she was up there, there was barely any conversation at all. I mean barely a goodmorning or goodnight. Just a few texts here and there. She ended up coming back and when she did I was like did you want to come over? Or hang out? And she was like well I don't know probably. And I'm like OK.. And she said ill let you know... and I would be the one to always call and ask if she made up her mind or anything like that. And that's been going on for like a couple of days. On valentines day, now to remind you I still haven't seen here since she came back and that was prob. 3 days. So on the v-day I thought maybe I'll do something different and go up to here house and bring here some flowers and a card and gift. So I decided to go up there un announced..

That's something I rarely ever do. So I go up there and she's not home. I call here and she's at a friends babysitting because her friend just had a baby. To make a long boring story short I finally seen her and talk to her and find out what's going on and she said that She's depressed and doesn't want to talk about it. And of course I'm a guy and I want to know what's wrong and she blames it on the stress at my house, But I know 100% fact that's not it.

She's the type of girl that won't give me a straight answer if she thinks I'll get mad or w/e. And when something is bothering her she is like a rock There's no piercing through to find out anything unless she wants to. And trust me I'm not trying to force anything out just I care about her and don't want her hurting. So I finally get her to spill it out and she told me she's depressed because of her life. And that her junior year and senior She hasn't been able to hang out with her friends and have a "life".

I know the friends thing is the main issue and she wants to be with them but it's now affecting me and her because I can't even spend time with her. It's like now a days I have to beg to be with her. And Idk just feel really down and crappy because of this. And now there's really no communication between us at all and we live 15 min away. For example like last night we were texting and then she just didn't write back and no weren't argueing and around 10ish I said goodnight. I haven't received anything and it's the next day and she's out of school. And this girl has her phone on her 24/7

Right now I just don't know what to do. I know things won't be back to normal, meaning her back living with me and stuff like that. And she didn't say anything about her needing space but that's what I think she needs is space. And I respect That she wants to be with her friends and enjoy the high school life. But the thing I'm still working with her is the trust factor, During the summer we argued a lot and just wasn't happy and she went out of town and I broke up with her and she found a boyfriend within 3 days.. and I regretted breaking up with her and was hoping to talk about it when she got back. But yea I'm just lost and really need to know what to do for us to be happy... I know give her space right now but its just hard and I'm just tired of looking pathetic begging my girlfriend to hang out.

It sounds like she's growing in a different direction in her life. If she pulls away you pull away.

It's funny that I write this today and say how I haven't talked to her, The reason why I say that is because when I wrote this it was around 3pm and I got a text message from her asking if I want her to come over and as I think about it maybe the only thing she needs is just space. For me to back and not be so controlling.

I read from another post on this site from I believe the username was "chery" and she said something that stuck with me. She said something that you don't own your partner and need to stop having that behavior. Which trust me I wasn't bad or anything the thing I would do is get mad because she's hanging with her friends. I know it's wrong but at least I'm admitting to that. But as I said I'm just kind of confused maybe right now its just best to give her her own space? I guess I'm second guessing myself. But I knew things were going down and just felt as things were going to end up where we need to take a "break".

But I don't know if you guys could help me I would really appreciate it.

I don't think you're a bad guy at all. But you are young and so is she. She just got a taste of "freedom" when she went out of town to visit her brother. She's growing and becoming a different person and she found out there is a world out there and she wants to explore it. She's pulling back so that means you have to pull back as well. You have to find something to occupy your time besides her. You have to pull away.

The end of a saga... move on brother

So you guys don't think that there's any chance with us if we just both learn how to be in a "healthy" relationship? I know she really cares about me and we both don't want to lose each other. But she is really hard to communicate with. She's not really close to her mom and the dad isn't at all in picture. And her mom is kind of well not really a figure to look up to when it comes to men.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or anything but I don't think she knows how to be in a relatonship. And yes we are both young and I know the odds of us surviving. But I guess my sub question is how do I help her get better communicating skills?

Dude, she got another guy in less than a week, heck, less than 5 days within you dumping her, obviously she wasn't too heartbroken by it. I know you're hurt, and lovelorn and you don't think anyone can understand how you feel. 95% of people in the entire world will go through what you are going through at least once in their lives. It does't sound like it's meant to be. It seems like you've done your part, she didn't do hers. She's not the one for you.

Throw in the towel, and take a 15 minute break before going back in the game.

Well the reason why I say bad advice is because any other person would say move on find better etc etc. I know what I'm about to ask is something that I shoudnt want and makes me look stupid. But I'm stupidly in love. So just to get that out the way.

Me and my girlfriend well ex now we broke up yesterday. It was really bad how we did. I ended up finding out she was seeing another guy since 1/29/09. And well I found out yesterday. So I took all of her stuff to her house and that was that. Lets just say we ended up giving each other the bird and sped off.

Were both young and have a lot of growing up to do. And like I said I know I sound stupid to anyone else that reads this. Well through out our whole relationship ( 2 years) Whenever there was a serious fight or we take a break I've always been there or always made the 1st call to her. I'm pretty much like the nice guy and a door mat for girls and that's something I'm going to be working on as I have know this new status of being single.

The girl is very dependent on others and this past January she just been really depressed and dealing with a lot of issues. I mean a lot of different issues and I'm not saying what she did was right or giving her a excuse. So what I'm saying is she doesn't know how to be a girlfriend because she's never been in a serious relationship other then me. I was her longest and most serious relationship. She even used to live with me. And I could tell she was unexperienced on how a "real" relationship should be. I'm saying I've been perfect guy but I definitely didn't do anything like this.

I'm sure right now, I'ts only been the next day she is miserable as like I am now. I;m sure she's thinking well I still have him, he will come texting me sooner or later. And its going to be a huge shock that I'm not going to be texting her or seeing her at all. I gave all her stuff back to her so there wouldn't be any excuses why we need to see each other.

Anyway here's the "bad" advice that I need. Well I'll start with telling you what I'm going to do. Well first I'm not going to make any communication with her. If she contacts me well then I don't know it depends on how long it's been and I'm sure if she does contact me it will be through a text and I wouldn't even know what to say to be honest. I know the relationship she's in has been fine because she's had me there and been able to have this new thing and still have old faithful. Trust me during this time I will be working on getting over her and try to get things situated in my life.

So I guess what I'm asking is how do I get her back in my life... well get her back to where she wants to be with me and work through things. I know it will have to be no contact and stuff like that but just I don't know how long it should be or if I should let her suffer ( if she txts) and yea I really don't have much experience with this.

So please I would like only advice on what I asked I know I should move on I know there are better girls out there. Regardless of loving her or not if I don't see her of course my feeling are going to slowly fade away. I just would like to know how I should go along with this to get her wanting me back.. And what are the chances that she is going to contact me?

I'm sorry, I skimmed the whole story but after reading this:
"I ended up finding out she was seeing another guy since 1/29/09"
All I could think was you seem like a really really nice guy to be coming here asking for advice, and you genuinely love her but buddy... you can do better...

I know it's long message just a lot to say. And I know the right advice is that to move on and stuff. But right now I know myself and just really stubborn and having hope is really the only thing from driving me crazy.

Yeah, sorry about being so blunt but I've been down the same path, I forgave him and took him back then he just did it again.. . now I don't know how I put up with it, I've found a new guy and I'm a thousand times happier.

But honestly, if it's always you that makes the first call when you have a fight and it's always you having to do things to make it up to her... wait... see what she does, it will be a real test of how much she needs you or whether it's a 1 sided relationship.

But yeah, don't just go on my advice, give it a bit and I'm sure there will be a lot of people on here contradicting me.

Well yea when I wrote this my first thought is wow everyone is just going to bash me and say move on loser get over it! But yea its always been me to make the calls and stuff and just I don't know how its going to be because there's no way I'm calling her first. Just I don't know like you said if she really cares she will understand that she made a mistake.

And it's not going to be she texts me and I'm going to be I miss you blah blah blah I just want to get to the point where she Truely wants me back. Then work from there.

Yes, that is the perfect way to think of it. Sounds like she needs to understand that she can't just get away with things and everything will be fine because you will take her back right away.
No-one is going to bash you for it, when I broke up with my boy I locked myself in my room for a week I was so upset, I couldn't even go to work, then something just snapped and I went 'hang on... he cheated on me'
I hope I helped a little.
Keep us posted on how it goes :)

Yea I'm just confused on what I should do when she does contact me and how I should go about it.I guess it really depends on when she does contact me.

NO CONTACT is your best friend. I just went through a break up and it worked miracles for me. When she calls or contacts you in any way, just ignore her.

You do not deserve this. You a better than this and deserve better. Take time to yourself to heal. Use this time to be with friends, have fun, and enjoy life as a single person for a while. Do not call her and move on. You will find someone who is better and will treat you well. I know this is hard to hear since you just want to get back with her. Throughout this no contact you will make mistakes as have I (plenty of times). Just stay strong and man up.

Yes it's very hard to hear and I'm just still in shock since this has happened like 12 hours ago... I know the no contact rule but just like u said I do want to be with her and I just need to know how to get her to the point where she really understands what she did and learn how to deal with relationship lows.

I know its bad advice that's why I put it in there, Just wondering if anyone has gone through this and knows how to get the person back to wanting you and willing to to work it out.

I know right now if there was contact I would make a lot of mistakes since there's such high emotions.

Here read this. I know its long but it is this is my process.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-322039.html

Basically, I was destroyed when she left me. I didn't know how do deal with it. You can read about the high's and the low's. Also, towards the end you find out how I she came back. It will answer many questions you might have.

Basically what you want is for us to come on here, sugar-coat things for you, and in the end recommend you run head first into a brick wall screaming like an idiot? Is that what you want?

Well, start running, and put your head down so you hit that wall baby! After your head gets tired of the lumps, then I will start to actually give you some decent advice...

Until then... carry on... :cool:

Hi
I admit I skimmed your story too so if I say something out of turn let me know.
First off she's been seeing someone behind your back... SHES a loser!
Secondly, your making excuses for her by saying she's never had a serious relationship blah blah blah... my husband was my first ever relationship but I've never cheated on him.
And besides its not like she's new to this, you been dating for two years!
She more than likely WILL contact you in the next few weeks when her new relationship doesn't work and she'll say 'im sorry it was a mistake, I love you I just have issues I'm dealing with right now and didn't know how to be in a relationship' and you will probably fall for this hook line and sinker. So I suggest you delete her number and block her. Have no contact and work on yourself esteem as you sound like a really nice guy and find yourself someone who treats you well.xx

Quote:

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Originally Posted by A4Effort

Here read this. I know its long but it is this is my process.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-322039.html

Basically, I was destroyed when she left me. I didn't know how do deal with it. You can read about the high's and the low's. Also, towards the end you find out how I she came back. It will answer many questions you might have.

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Wow yea I took my time to read all of and it was very helpful. I can see where it was like the ocean ups and downs and sometimes calm. I can compare the situation that I'm in with yours but your girl at least said something to you about wanting the break. Mine she just went ahead which is really upsetting and just makes me feel really low. I'm 19 also ( I think I read somewhere where it said your 19. And she's 17 I know there's a gap and when people read this they will just consider it high school love blah blah.

I'm currently out of high school waiting for class to start I'm going to become a firefighter. And she's a senior in high school still. And really her thing was before I knew about this guy was that she wanted to have a "life" and be able to hang out with her friends. Like I have said before we really didn't have a healthy relationship together we were around each other every day living together. And I can and will take the blame for that because at times she would ask to go out and stuff and I would say sure but I would make her feel bad and so it was like she felt as if she had to stay. And I know that pushed her really far away.

And this "new" guy is a part of all her friends at school so it just sucks because like I have these mood swings where I'm confident that oh he's just a rebound guy they are only happy because she had her cake and was able to eat it to. And then I become really low and thinking ah crap I'm never going to be with her again...

I know right now she's miserable I can see her myspace well not the whole thing but her status and I can tell me giving her clothes back to her put a lot of stress on to her.

It's not that I want things to be sugar coated or anything like that and I'm sure she will contact be regardless of the situation she's in. I guess I'm just wondering if there's any way things can/could work out between us and her beable to learn from what she did and what I have done. And move on?


Ill be honest 100 people will probably tell me the same answer and I won't listen this is pointless... I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time. :(

Is this hand on heart honestly the only time she has hurt u?

Like this yes.

If she had hurt you before I would say no point trying to make it work. Saying that I think once a cheat always a cheat, sorry. I think if you get back with her your just being that 'doormat' that you don't want to be anymore.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by posey_84

if she had hurt u before i wud say no point trying to make it work. saying that i think once a cheat always a cheat, sorry. i think if u get back with her ur just being that 'doormat' that u dont want to be anymore.

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I'm going to be honest with you guys yes I know that once a cheat always a cheat and just I mean recently one of my friends told me that the more she talks to me the more she likes me. Because I was helping her out with some problems. But like when she told me about she liked me I was like hmm should I try it out and see if I get caught?

I'm not like that at all but what I'm getting to is that I was on the verge of doing something because of all this. Me and here went through a lot of stress when she was living with me back in november/december and part on January. Like stress that nobody should go through and it was about my mom. My mom is a cancer patient and she is in recover and its been 8 years since she was diagnosed with non hogkins. Well to make a long story short my mother is legally addicted to the medz that she takes and has a problem the me the only person in the house had to deal with. And at that time my ex was living with me thorugh out the hard struggles that I was facing. My ex and her mom don't really get along too much so she was living with me. Well going through all the stress with that me myself I don't know how to deal with my mom and when I would get stressed out about my mom I would take it out on her. And of course she went to school she would have a break and she played high school basketball and stuff but if it wasn't school she would be at home with me. And like I couldn't leave to go anywhere or go hangout because I was afraid of my mom finding her medz and mis using and all my family would blame me because I wasn't there which there not and that another issue.

So there's times she wanted to go back to her mom's or go hang out and I would make her feel bad about it and wanted her to stay so I wouldn't be miserable and lonely. And she was there for me through that and stuck it out and she was the shoulder that I could lean onto. When I needed her. And it's like now she's gone I really don't have anyone besides like 2 friends...

Look sorry but your still making excuses for her so this is pointless. Your going to get back withher no matter what we say and ill put money on it she will hurt you again. I'm sorry to here about your problems and this is not a competition but since I got with my husband we've gone through 4 close family deaths (2 very tragic) then my father asked me to quit school and look afetr him because he was dying of cancer, I did and 6 years later he's still alive (my own father lied to me) we've had 2 miscarriages and now infertility to deal with amongst many other things but the reson I know I'm with the right person and vise versa is because through ott all of this we became stronger for each other. Neither of us cheated, I'm not saying it hasn't crossed my mind to leave and maybe its crossed my husbands mind too but we stuck it out and helped each other through because that's what couples do. Do you see what I'm saying? Your girlfriend SHOULD be with you when your going through tough times with your mam but she jumped ship and cheated and your STILL makiing excuses for her??

Okay I read the whole thing and here's what I got to say. You're plan sounds good, DO NOT CONTACT HER! Wait it out for maybe a week. Do you have any common friends? If you do talk to that friend about how much you miss her and want her back and hope that the message relays back to her and she gets the idea. Here is why I suggest this. You said usually you contact her right? Well after a while that girl is going to think you are mighty ticked with her and are never coming back, that in it's self is enough to discourage a girl from calling an ex. If she knows that, though you are angry, you still want her back, it will encourage her to give you a call or text.

Two years is a long time and I know I would be just as heartbroken if my man (who I have also been with for two years) ever cheated on me. I would probably be doing the same as you, wishing I had him back.

But yeah just use some common friends as a middle man. They may realize it they may not. If the message never gets relayed to her then you can just hope that after a bit she realizes the mistake she made and she contacts you. Best wishes.

Well everyone wants their ex back when they just first broke up with them. I was there. You should stop fantasizing and hoping because if she loves you enough, she won't cheat on you! She might like you etc. but think about this. Let say you get her back and when she's bored or if she thinks you don't live up to her expectations and she does not like that, she might cheat again... do you want that to happen again? Please think rationally not emotionally! Is that what you really want out of a relationship??

Cheating doesn't always mean the person doesn't like you. I have a best friend that is just like his ex. She has cheated on multiple boyfriends because she has no clue how to work a serious relationship. She has never seen a stable relationship in her life and I think that is where some of it stems from. It's either because she can't choose who she wants or is unsure which one really likes her back. Sometimes she just likes the guy so much it scares her and she runs away or tries to compare current boyfriend to what else is out there and make sure it is what she wants.

So again cheating doesn't always mean they don't like you or they think they can do better sometimes they really are just confused. However there is always the chance that that is how they are. I think people should get second chances but always keep this in mind "Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me." Basically if you want to go back do it, but if you get hurt again it is no ones fault but your own. There is always some risk in love.

Just stick to the NO CONTACT, like De said, we all want our ex's back. Our judgement isn't clear, it's clouded with pain and rejection.

Give yourself time, you will still feel like this for awhile, but continue to stick to NC. Fight your urges to break it. Let her make the first move this time, if for nothing else, but because she moved on without you, her error. What do you have to go back to apologize for. Besides you already stated that you are always the first to make contact following a break... it's her turn.

With time, you will gain the perspective of knowing how you want to handle her contact, if she makes it. There is a light, uncover your eyes and push away some of those clouds and you may start to see it.

Dude, you aren't going to listen to anyone on here, but I think that NC is a good way to go - I have done it for two days now, been keeping busy and already I can see myself a bit happier... realizing that my ex was a loser and a needy person that could never have been happy with me and vice-versa. Who knows, maybe you'll go NC and realize that you DON'T want her back. The only thing I can say is seriously, don't be a wimp and call her, keep busy, workout, read, write, paint, whatever. You are training to be a firefighter, are you already a volunteer in a small community? If not, do that.

I have only been out of my relationship for 2 weeks, but even now, coming here, reading the messages people leave and the advice of complete strangers is helping me. But for God's sake, don't call, text, email, "run into", whatever her. For all intents and purposes, she is dead and it's time for you to grieve and move on.

Biwiccanandproud: I agree with what your saying BUT just because she's having problems doesn't mean he should keep getting hurt, which she's bound to do again, plus she didn't support him very well through his problems with his mother x

posey_84: *shrug* again in the words of my step mother "Hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me". You never know how things will play out. He could date her again and she never cheats again, but she could cheat again. I always say 2 times a charm. If they do it a second time consider it over. If they cheat on you like 20 times then move one, but once doesn't always mean always.

I guess she would want you back if you fixed whatever it was about you that she thought was broken.
You would need to prove to her that you ,in fact ,have changed and you will comply with whatever it is she wants.
Expect,however that you may spend your future doing her bidding.

Well it's been 1 day and it seems like its been like weeks. I feel as like the ocean. I get up and down and then at times Im calm about everything. I just want you guys to know I do listen to what everyone has to say. And really appreciate the people who took time out of there lives to read about mine.

If anything out of this there's something that whoever I talk to is that I need to work on myself. Work on not always being a doormat when it comes to females. That's one thing I'm going to try m hardest on doing to be honest I don't really know how to go about doing that. I'm looking for a job Im going to be joining a gym so Im going to be active and work on my physical side and Just well I would say day by day but right now it seems minute by minute.

One of the other big changes I'm going to have to get used to is CHANGE.

It is minute by minute but that turns into hour by hour and eventually day by day. It's a process, sometimes slow, sometimes we regress. Just keep going forward.

Write on hear anytime, make this your own personal journal. You have plenty here that support and have been where you are. Don't spend TOO much time dwelling, but when you are having a rough go of it, write here. It will help you from reaching out to the wrong person.

Just be patient with yourself most of all. Break ups are difficult. Do all of those things you are thinking about, making time for yourself. Try as much as possible not to dwell on it, too much dwelling, leads to too much rationalizing and excuses.

Give her some space and let her come to you. I know that's not what you want to hear but if her feelings for you are strong enough she will realize what she had and come back to you. I was in a similar situation about a year ago now. My boyfriend/fiance of 3 1/2 years felt like he wasn't getting "enough" from me. He started having feelings for somebody he worked with. He told me about her and started pursuing things with her. We live together and we were stuck in a lease with each other so we spent a good amount of time together. I had a family thing to go to so I took off for about a week or so. Within that week he realized what I meant to him and realized he couldn't see a future without me. Less than a week after I got back he told me that it was over between them and within a month things were so much better than they were before her. For a while before this happened things weren't going so well for us. We lost track of what made us love each other. I realized that when "she" came in the picture. For him it didn't sink in until he had to spend some time without me. So long story short, let her realize what she lost and once she realizes that then if she wants that back she'll come back. If she doesn't then your better off without her.

The worse times of the day are mornings and at night. Im just having restless nights and I swear I would wake up every hour or so and each time would go back to sleep I would have a different dream about her. It's pathetic and I hate this.

I forgot to mention about what happen yesterday. Well I was reading up on here about the no contact rule and stuff and just double checking on knowing on what to do. No text phone calls don't go seeing her on purpose and try not to hear anything about her and don't go looking at stuff etc etc. Well I was like OK well that's good because I will never hear anything about her so I have a leg up on that one. So that's what I thought...

I get a phone call from a old high school buddy of mine and when I seen the number pop up the 1st thing I thought to myself was oh boy he's probably seen them together since they live pretty clode to each other. To get to his house you would have to pass hers. Well anyway he called me and I picked it up and he was saying sorry to hear about the breakup if you want to hangout just give me a call. ( which is good because that's another person I can chill with even though its close to her house :( ) at this point I'm like he didn't see them then he's like but yea dude I just seen them walking and holding hands...

That killed my mood because I was doing so good at that time. And when I heard that it's like I did a 180. At that point I was really pissed off and I wanted to call her. Never did I want to cll her so bad. So I grabbed my phone and I

Didn't call her :) back in the day I normally would have. I would have either called her or send her a text message. But I do get into these moods where I want to call her and be like WHY?? And just end things peacefully because that was my second longest relationship but more serious then my longest.

The hardest thing I'm dealing with are the "What If's" and all that and it just bugs me not knowing what's going to happen. I'm also having a problem being curious. And what I mean is checking her myspace and checking his myspace. I started to make this a big deal when I seen this on his myspace profile, You know you can set your status and mood? Well this is his.

Status: Figuring S*** out ( F*** facke b******)
Mood: Intense

When I first seen that I was like I wonder who that's about... my ex?
My then I dramatically calmed down and realized that could be about anyone and if it is about her that doesn't change a thing. I looked today ( I know pathetic) and its

Status: Stompin fake b******
Mood: Man up

So to be honest I don't know what that means and I'm going to try and not put too much effort into that. He did put a picture on his profile of her saying my baby. It's just sick it makes my stomach turn just thinking about if they fooled around and stuff. I don't try to think about that too much.

I know I'm probably going to repeat myself but out this while relationship the longest I went without talking to her is 3-4 days I know pathetic. So this is something that is very hard for me to do. But I'm doing it :) :( and I'm really hating these mood swings it's not me at all. Im more of a calm relaxed kind of guy.

I wonder if she is truly happy with him? To be honest I don't think she is happy with herself. But who knows maybe she is having the time of her life and not having any regrets at all...

Ok, first thing, delete both of their myspace, Facebook, bebo whatever social site. They will destroy your no contact. Second, delete her number out of your phone, set her e-mail address to go directly to trash because that's what she is. Every time you think about her, think about her sharing herself with another guy. That should make you angry, hell it ticks me off and I don't even know then girl. Cheaters don't deserve anything, especially respect.