Another "I need space" victim
The quick stats are that me and my ex-fiance’ were together 7 yrs, engaged 1 yr. Three weeks ago she did the I need space line on me. That last few months have been sketchy, there was definitely an emotional disconnect. She wanted space, and so I withdrew my proposal and took the ring back. But I felt I agreed to the separation way to easy, and I let her know that I did not think it was a good idea. So me the ex, spoke on the phone. It was clear that she did not want to reverse her decision. She tells me the standard line of I’m smothering her, and she needs the space. I live three hours away, it’s not possible to smother her. And no, I don’t call five times a day either.
A lot of people including myself thinks there may be another guy in the picture. All I know is that things were fine, and great with us until she took a trip to Atlanta, during which she saw an ex, and ended up having dinner and going to a club. To her credit, she did not hide that fact when she got back, but to say I had a freaking hissy fit would be the understatement of the year. I didn’t shriek or anything, but I made it clear that it was not appropriate. She tried to argue with me about it, and then I dared her to call any one of her male friends and get just one of them to agree with her—none did.
Nothing has been the same since. She still says there is not another guy; especially not him. That she wants to separate because the stress of me wanting to get married. She says she has shut down, and does not want to give me a chance to unlock the door. And then the further craziness comes out. Here’s the play by play.
Me: So how long is this “separation” supposed to last?
Ex: “I don’t know. I can’t tell you. Don’t try and make me follow a schedule within a separation. It’s like you’re still trying to control me.”
Me: No, I’m not. But I need a date that this is going to last, and I want to know the rules, like neither of us are going to date and be intimate with other people. If all you want is time for work and to clear your mind of the wedding stress, then you don’t need to date anyone.
Ex: I don’t know that I’m going to come back to the relationship. I don’t want you to be with anyone else. It would bother me if you dated, or slept with someone else. But I’m not going to promise you I won’t date anyone.
I’ll never understand why people that seem perfectly reasonable three weeks ago, can now be complete _oles! I mean, I love this girl, but does that not sound like the most selfish, self-centered, Y thing I have ever heard.
So my question is there seems to be a rule that separations never end up getting back together. That’s the rule, what makes an exception. Her behavior in the last four weeks is puzzling, but before that we had a decent relationship. We fit like a glove, same values, goals, family loves me, etc. I don’t know how to deal, well I know cause I’ve read posts here and elsewhere, but still the actual doing is hard. Have NC for about two and weeks. Sorry about length:eek:
thoughts from a counselor
Thread merged
I just got out of a counseling session, and if anything, it made me angrier. In the session the counselor spent most of the session talking about how I was not validating ny ex's feelings. That even if I matched her list of things she wanted and needed, that if all things that Tina saw and heard from her family don't matter, that I should still validate how she feels.
In essence I'm to accept and validate her feelings on anything whether they are correct or not. I can't do that. I've never been able to do that with anyone. Just because you feel something does not make it true. Isn't that what everyone keeps telling me? Just because I feel I'm the best person for Tina, that does not mean I'm right, right? Maybe I'm not the best for her, maybe her soul mate is someone else and we've just been clocking time, loitering around with each other for seven years.
If my ex says that our relationship has been a roller coaster, and we've had all these bad times, and I say “like what”, and she can't come up with a bunch of things that outnumber the good, and regular every day things, I'm still supposed to just accept that, that reality is true? I mean if that's true, then why can't she accept my reality, and validate my feelings that we should be together?
Some how when I put it in reverse everyone knows how silly it sounds.
But maybe that is the problem. She had a list, and I match it, she felt like I was the one, and now she does not, so I should (assuming we were talking or did talk) validate that feeling, say, “yeah I have what you said you wanted, but I totally understand you not wanting to be with me. Sounds like a brilliant thought. In fact, I'm not the one, go look for someone else. And by the way I totally get that you still want to be friends and have me in your life even though I want you for my wife. Makes sense to me completely.”
That's what I'm supposed to do with her or anyone else? Well, then I do give up, cause I'm not going to do that. There are people who believe and feel the world is flat, does not change that it is not. There are people that feel a woman can't be a President, or doctor, or business executive, all obviously wrong. People can feel all sorts of things.
I cannot validate something that does not make sense or is untrue. If we just disagree, that's one thing. I will listen to your (or in my ex's case) point of view, and respect even if I don't agree. But it has to be true, not objectively false.
The larger point here is that, feelings can come and go with the wind. Last year Tina wanted to get married, now she does not. Which feeling is right? Don't know, because they can change. But you look at all the other things that matter and realize that if they are there, and the feelings were there before, then they will be again, if you stick around.
If my ex did stick around, and held on to us, then the thoughts and feelings that lead her to say yes would be rediscovered. They are in her, but she is just running away. And if I've pushed her away because I refuse to say we do not belong together, then I guess getting validated is more important to her then that vaunted list of hers, or the values we share.
