Hi I'm new on Ask me help desk and I would greatly appreciate all the help I can get.

Ok so here's the story...
Me and my girlfriend has been going about for 1 year 6 months. We got together right after graduating from high school. I live in the Inland Empire area, and she moved to San Diego because she got accepted there. So it became a long distance relationship.
Two nights ago I kind of started a small argument talking to her nicely with a soft voice with her about her staying out so late. I asked her to at least call me and tell me where she is headed or about to do. Because she already told me that she's going to be out from 7 in the morning till 5ish. But she ended up not coming home till close to midnight. I was just worried because of all the raping that have been recently occurred at the UCSD campus
After I asked her, she answered, I do not have to check up on you about where I am going, I do what I want when I want to.
I'm fine with that. Cause she wants the college life. Back here before moving to SD she had no freedom at all because of her parents and I understand that.
Ok so after more talking, she says "I want to take a break." I agreed with her and told her that I understand that and whatever she wants to do I respect her and her decisions.
Her reasons are that she needs to figure out her major, her goals in life, and her options and to explore those options, and that after the "break" she does not know if she wants to be in a relationship or not, with me or not or just stay single.
She never explained to me what the terms what of the break
And that I do not know how long the break would last.
She said maybe a couple weeks to a couple of months.
And she said that I can not call her
So I told her that I would be waiting for her call then.

I'm guessing is that the "exploring her options" mean's that she will be dating around.
Maybe I am wrong.

There's more but I do not want to bore anybody.
Thanks for the help in advance.

I think maybe you should try and accept that this relationship is drawing to a close.

Give her the space and time she needs maybe she will realise how much she misses you , maybe not but what choice do you have?

Do as she says, and give her time, and space, and don't call her.

Your concern while understandable, was not taken well, and now you do your own thing, and leave hers alone.

You probably would be better served getting your own life.

Yeah. It has been 2 days and I haven't talked to her or even tried to contact her.
Normally I drive down to San Diego twice a month staying down there for 4 or more days then come back home for school
And today I should be going to UCLA with her to attend a school club event.
She knows I put a lot of effort into our relationship.
Cause why else would I drive two hour or more to go see her.
And that every time that we were together, we always have fun. I know this cause I can see it in her face and she does not fake.
This "taking a break" was just sudden.
But you are correct all I can do now and wait and see

Use the time to get with some friends and go and have some much needed fun.
Keeping busy with keep your mind from thinking about what she is doing etc

Consider it a BREAK UP. Do yourself a favor and do not contact her. Start to learn how to live your life without revolving it around her. I went through a similar situation (minus the distance) get out of the house and enjoy your friends/familys company. The least amount of time you have to think about what she is doing will do you best. Let this situation unroll itself as time goes on because she is the only who will make the decision, one which you cannot force without coming out behind.

I try to keep myself busy.
Already caught up with some old friends
But right when I got home and stepped into my room
Everything just comes back and all the things just haunts my mind...

I did ask her if she is happy with me and she said she is.
And the night she announced that she wanted to take a break,
She said that she's going to miss me...

I know it is a lot of drama.
And that there are more fishes in the sea

During my high school years. I have dated a lot and maybe in two or more relationships.
Thinking that they were the girl for me
But I was wrong either the girl was a crazy psycho or just plain boring when you really got to know them.

But my current girlfriend (on break) is different. Her and brains and her beauty and something else I can't quite put my finger on it, that I am attracted to.
I'm her 3rd boyfriend, her first kiss, and her longest relationship.

Hey ZGuy,
You seem to know what you are doing. The fact that she said "dont contact me" will help you keeping away from calling her... respect her wish. This also applies for msn, Facebook, and anything like that. Even though she is the one who asked for no contact this will help you too. You can't be waiting for her to call either--any time you spend waiting for her is time wasted so keep this in mind. You want to make the best use of your time and spend it on someone more important--you! That's right focus on yourself, not only to get distracted and not think about her--but also to make yourself better, to improve. You probably know that this relationship didn't fail only because of her confusion in life. You had to do with it also--who knows how--but learn from this and take it with you as something positive you have rescued from this painful situation.

It will take time, so be patiend with yourself, everyday will get better trust me. NC will help this process go on quicker as the less you know about her the better. No new info to hurt you. All that's been said is what will stay with you and the pain it caused will slowly diminish as you move on. Clear your head, keep busy, meet new friends, and after awhile you will be able to make a decision if you would take her back or not--if she wanted to.

Feel free to post any updates or even to vent is always good.

I was wondering
With she said "do not call me"
Is it possible for me to call her 1.5 weeks or 2 weeks later?
If she answers, we'll just talk about small talk... like hi, how is she doing, and her school and if she doesn't asnwer should I leave a message asking "how u doing, been wondering how ur doing..if u get the chance give me a call back." something like that small
Or is that a bad idea
Also would it be OK if I call one of her roommates, or her sister(also her roommate) to see how's she's doing?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheZGuy

I was wondering
with she said "do not call me"
is it possible for me to call her 1.5 weeks or 2 weeks later?
if she answers, we'll just talk about small talk... like hi, how is she doing, and her school and if she doesnt asnwer should i leave a message asking "how u doing, been wondering how ur doing..if u get the chance give me a call back." something like that small
or is that a bad idea
also would it be ok if i call one of her roommates, or her sister(also her roommate) to see hows shes doin?

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NO! Save your dignity. Don't call as it will do you no good. If she wants to talk she will call. Start to move on to a life that revolve around her.

Is there anything I can do to fix the relationship?
Cause I feel so helpless sitting here doing nothing...
Most of my friends say it will get easier over time
But I know it won't. Because I've fallen for her... and she knows that too

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheZGuy

is there anything i can do to fix the relationship?
cause i feel so helpless sitting here doing nothing...
most of my friends say it will get easier over time
But i know it won't. because I've fallen for her... and she knows that too

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I'll be the first one to tell you it does get easier with time. You feel helpless because the sad truth is at this current time you are helpless as far as this relationship goes. You can't force her to be with you. The absolute best thing you can do at this point is no contact. You will be stronger after all this over. You can start by treating this as a Break up. I know it sucks but the sooner you can start to gather yourself. I went through a similar thing and if you want to know that life does move on and gets easier check out my post here :
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ak-256100.html

At the start of the relationship... like 4 days into the relationship
She tells me that she keeps everything to herself and that she's independent.
So I asked to see her to come outside her house, we sat at the park across her house and I told her... Whatever it is, whatever your dream is I want to be there with you.

She starts crying happily and hugs me and said... "I don't deserve you." smiling at the same time

After that day everything was smooth until the last couple months.
A month before we almost broke up cause of stupid argument I brought up
Then when we went to San Francisco for a trip over the New Year
Then this argument that drove it to the "taking a break"
I cannot accept to look as a "breakup" because I am determined

During the last phone call... she asked... what if I do not see you in my future. I told her "Then obviously I am doing something wrong... I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong... then fix it and try to win you back."

I think it's my fault that drove her away. Cause most of the arguments between me and her were started by me.

During the last phone call, I told her that I would change for my mistakes.

She knows I'm the type of guy who does not give up easily.

Quote:

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I cannot accept to look as a "breakup" because I am determined

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So you will not give her what she asked for?

Quote:

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Ok so after more talking, she says "I want to take a break." I agreed with her and told her that I understand that and whatever she wants to do i respect her and her decisions.................
And she said that i can not call her
so i told her that I would be waiting for her call then.

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If you don't accept her decision, your not keeping your word!

Hey TheZGuy,
I think you need to go NC for yourself and give her the space she needs like she asked.


In the meantime, start thinking about YOU, start doing things for YOU and fill you day up as much as you can with things that keep you happy and going.

If she wants you back- trust me- she will tell you loud and clear- there will be no confusion. Best thing for you to do - is step right back, and give yourself time and space. You never know- you may see things differently in a few weeks time
Good luck
Zeeniee

I think it is pretty clear she KNOWS you are not a part of her future, and her towing you around for all of this time is just a way to showing you she does not want to hurt you. She was also probably trying to do everything she could to convince herself she still loved you, but it just didn't work. When relationships go south, it isn't always something YOU are doing wrong; it is something that just isn't meant to be. It isn't about winning someone back or correcting every single mistake/flaw that you have. If that was the case, your entire life would be dedicated towards a perfection that is unattainable...

You must leave her alone, as the others tell you, and please do not think of this as fixable by your actions. Even if you don't "give up easily," dude, neither do I, but that just leads to more BS, drama, confusion, hurt... get the pattern. You have given up on yourself for the benefit of making someone else happy. That is not fair, and that is not how life works.

Cut contact, and get your head out of the clouds. Good luck to you sir.

Carry on... :cool:

Yep, listen to everyone here. You need to start moving forward with getting your life back in order and making it something you are happy with, without her.
This relationship is done, whether you accept this or not is your call. The sooner you do accept the reality of the situation, the sooner you can start healing.

Distance kills relationships especially when they start as short-distance and move to being long-distance. I and many other people have found this out first hand. You and her are probably pretty young, so you will be going through some significant changes in the next few years.

Cut your losses now while your still somewhat ahead and start the rebuilding process now.

It will be difficult. We all know how you feel, as we have all been through our own break-up situations. You feel like your relationship is the exception and you don't want to give, but seriously listen when we tell you to not call her and not to put your life on hold. Like Tal pointed out, she even told you not to call her and she wants to explore options. I don't know what else she would need to tell to make anymore obvious that this is over. It's time to accept the harsh reality and start making the changes in your life that will allow you to come out of the situation on top.

Yeah I kind of saw this happening halfway through the relationship...
I was just foolish not to accept it.
But all I can do now is hope for the best and expect the worst by her decisions when she calls

If she calls. You can't let false hope lead you by the nose. You need to look at this in black and white. She doesn't want you to call. She is weighing her options in terms of education, career choice, and personal relationships.

If you wait around for HER decision, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

This is a time to make YOUR decision to rebuild your life and move on without her.

I recommend you start now, rather than wait for her to make up her mind. To me, it sounds like she has already, and her plans don't include you.

Take her words for what they literally mean and start on the path of making a happy and emotionally healed future for yourself. You can no longer worry about her decisions in life and her choices. It is now time to make your life and make your own choices with out her influence.

You hold the power to make this a painful experience, or one that you grow from.

Quick question what is NC?

I'm hoping that she calls me with the good news, but IF it is not, I am willing to give her whatever she asks for.
I do love her and if she will be happy alone or not, then I accept it and let her go.

Just waiting, right now just keeping myself busy with schoolwork and friends

No Contact. Means no email, text, phone call, Facebook, Myspace or any other communication with your ex. It's really the only way to truly heal and move on.

Also you're setting yourself up for an emotional beating if you continue to wait on her. You should be letting her go now. If she calls you, she is not going to tell you anything you want to hear.

You're better off proceeding forward believing she is NOT calling and NOT coming back.

It's good that you are keeping yourself busy, that's a good start. You're going to need it to when your false hope gets shattered when you either don't hear from her or find out that she has moved on from you.

You sound just like me, when my ex gave me the "I need a break" line. She just went to Florida for an internship and I would call her everyday to talk and whatever. In August she told me "I need a break from us. I don't want to make my final decision over the phone. I want to wait till I get back in November before I make my final choice."

Well I agreed, and talked to her about once a week for the next two months with the false notion that she was going to come running back to my arms. BOY WAS I WRONG!

In October, I found out through her that she was talking with another guy and ended up sleep with him after we went on a break. I was devastated and wish I would have just looked at the situation for what it was and started moving on at the start. Now I am a couple months behind in the healing process because I waited.

It sounds like you're doing the same thing I did by setting yourself up with false hope and waiting for the impending devastation. You should be proactive in healing yourself, not reactive.

You I am already expecting the worst... if she does not call I plan to go down to San Diego and end it officially.

If worst comes to worst... I want her to be one of my friends still...
Cause maybe along the way... she might be more mature and changed.

You young guys ( and girls ) just don't realize you have a lifetime to be someone's friend. Stop making excuses and call it like it is, you want to stay close in case she/he changes her/his mind. Come on fellas, people will come and go through your life forever, so let this go!

That's what it takes, being strong enough to let go, and trust yourself, to survive, and grow.

Listen to the advice here - I have never heard a more unequivocal "break" line than what she gave you.

It's done, I'm certain of that. It has more to do with her than you. The likelihood of her coming back to you are very low to nil. The call you want won't come - there's a good chance she will call but you must realize now that it won't be because she wants to get back together.

The sooner you accept the finality of this the better. You have no need to drive two hours to San Diego to end this - you didn't dump her. She dumped you. You can tell her over the phone that it's over - but only if you mean it - and that means NO CONTACT afterwards.

I'd like to add that this probably isn't anything what you wanted to hear. You wanted us to console you and tell you how to win her back. You wanted a step by step formula on how to make it right.

I'm sorry, but that doesn't exist. Most of the things you have heard here are true, but it doesn't seem like you want to accept that. Just preparing yourself for an emotional beating is not running the scenario through your head and imagining what you're going to say. It's going out and living your life to the fullest. It's going out and flirting with that girl you just met, because now you can. She's probably doing the same thing! ENJOY YOUR LIFE. You only get one. Now is not the time to sink into despair, but to strengthen yourself and your belief in yourself. I remember Tal saying once that "you are responsible for your own happiness." That is exactly what you need to know now.

So last night... at 1:35 am in the morning she calls me

I answered of course.
She said she she called to say hi and to tell me good night. She sounded very happy but tired
It was pretty much a normal conversation between me and her.
I ask her how she is and how did her day go.
A bit more talking then she says she's going to go to sleep now
So I said OK
And asked a quik question "so can I call you tomorrow between my classes?" she replied "umm iunno"
So I asnwered "ok I'll wait for your calls then"
She said "goodnight"
And I said "goodnight and sweet dreams"

... you

Played right into her hands... God you acted like a girl man! I am sorry, but where are your balls?

Get the upper hand, and quit acting like your dreams all of a sudden come true when she calls you! That does no good. Be busy and unavailable... simple as that. Picking up a phone call at 1:35am is not really doing that...

I also want to make sure you don't think I am being a complete jerk. I did the same thing you did, so I am trying to give you some pointers, so you don't go down the same road I did...

Well she knows I would still be awake that late and be doing my homework or something.

I know one call can/can't change the circumstances
But it shows that she misses me

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheZGuy

but it shows that she misses me

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And?? You think that because she misses you that means she wants you back, or still is "in love" with you? NO! She still has somewhat of an attachment to you, and that has nothing to do with her still being "in love" with you.

Please, do not be so naïve!

Carry on... :cool:

My ex tried calling a few times after we broke up, asking how I was handling the break up. She even went as far as stalking my myspace page(until it went private) to see what I was up to and who I was hanging out with. You know what her last text was that I actually read

"I am so happy you can throw away 2 years and hook up with some sl*t at a party. I can't believe I loved you!"

Meanwhile she had been going out every night with some guy from work.

I know I know I shouldn't have said "ok so i'll be waiting for your call then."

But now I'm just playing the "game" with her.
If she calls she call. I don't asnwer... then return it on my CONVENIENCE. But even after calling her ill act like busy or w/e
She finally unblock me on AIM... I won't IM her ill wait for her to IM me... if she does ill wait a bit maybe 10-20minutes... and say my bad I was doing (insert something here)..
Whatever happens happens.

NOOO dude!. bad plan
No contact literally means NO CONTACT...
You don't wait and then get back to her... you don't get back to her what so ever... only then will you be actually making progress. Yeah it hurts like a biatch but trust me, it actually works... please don't be stubborn, listen to everyone, they reallly know what they are talking about.
Don't play any games with her... pretending to be busy and looking at the clock to see if 10 minutes have passed so you can IM her... that's lame dude!. Im sorry, but.. go NC and actually be committed to it!. you can do it!. then you won't pretend to be busy, you really will be busy... things will come up in your life over time... you will start to let go and move on.
Believe me, its been 7 weeks of NC for me - apart from a xmas message... and I get stronger everyday!! I have my bad days, but the good days are starting to outweigh the bad now... I am on the road to recovery, I have accepted what has happened and I am letting go, trying to forget about her and reassure myself that - she didn't truly love me, I deserve better.
After all... I love and respect myself enough to know I deserve someone who will love me the same way I love them... and nothing less. You deserve the same my friend.
Trust me, my situation is similar to yours. But my ex just did a 180 on me as soon as she got to university, she always used to talk about our future and how we would be together forever, how she would climb mount everest for me... then as soon as she got to university, she felt uncomfortable in a relationship, started hanging out with another guy - she then left me and wanted to just be friends... few weeks later, she was with the other guy... thats when I started NC, that hurt me really bad! All those loving things she said only a few weeks ago went out of the window, she got to university and just wanted to be single and felt uncomfortable being in a relationship... it was bizarre...

Sorry, back to the point... the less you know the better.. stick to NC because it will sting like MAD knowing your ex has moved on with another guy SO SOON (like it was in my case)... so just stick to NC and build your life again.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off... you will be fine, you deserve better!

Disappear for 6 months from her life.

Guys... I know I'm being stubborn but what if she is willing to fix our relationship... shouldn't I try to fix it with her too?
Because I know how she feels about me and she knows how I feel about her... its equal
She is just a very indecisive person. Bad example but if I don't choose something to eat for us... we literally won't eat for days.
I know it'll take long for her to decide

If she wants to move on then ill let her move on
I'm fine with that
But if she wants to get back, then I got to see how I feel then give her an answer.

Child games are for children, become an adult and sign off that AIM or messenger program and get back into life.

"Don't endure life, enjoy life"

If she is trying to fix the relationship... you will know about it LOUD AND CLEAR.
If she just tries to talk to you here and there... she is probably just stringing you along. Forget it, go NC, build your life again and don't play games!

OK so a little update...
She IMs me and on Lunar New Years night she calls me right at 12am to wish me a happy new years (we're Asians)
So we talked normally and stuff... casual talk..
Then I told her I want to explain myself.. so I did.. then a while after I finished.. she told me again that she misses me, told her in return too.
Then we said our gnights

The very next day
She IMs me and it was pretty normal because she was asking me for help on her Organic Chemistry... because of the midterm the very next day. Kept it going talked kind of for quit a bit... then I told her ima go to sleep now then she suddenly asks if I can wake her up 6:45 in the morning.
And I did

Hey The Z Guy,

I think that was not a wise move-- all you are doing is playing a game and will not find a good ending- you will just get hurt.

When you get ready to go NC, that's when you will move forward-- until then you will be in a limbo--hanging and dangling around just the way she likes it at her call... not a good place to be if you ask me...

Well I don't wait for her call...
I was already asleep
When she called I asnwered because it like a habit of mine
So I thought it was a good chance for me to explain myself