Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend. Not your usual break up

My girlfriend. Not your usual break up

\what happened was I moved to the city of Montreal for school and I met my girlfriend at my college. She lives in a small town outside the city and we have been dating for 3 months. I've never let myself fall in love before, but I fell in love with her.

3 months and we would talk, see each other every day. Every day.

Today she came over and she said that this was not working out for her. She feels that she is changing because she is always with me and never gets to see her friends anymore. I was in toronto for christmas break and all her friends were-- "where did you go, your not the same person anymore" and it finally hit her.

She came over today and she broke down and said that she loves me but she is unhappy because she never gets to see her friends anymore.

We broke up because she said she is unhappy and she needs time to think. She still loves me but she is not sure if she can be with me because she cannot adjust to change. She is from this small town and cannot stand to be in the city with me all the time. We obviously have different goals and dreams but I told her that it she means most to me.

I have moved to a new apartment couple months back and she has been with me in this apartment since day 1. we've done everything in this apartment from painting the walls to staying up late and so on... she knows and I know that this my room in this apartment is Us.

She said she needs time to think I saw her before she went to work and we kissed we held each other. She siad she does not know if she wants to be with me.

Within this week, what are the chances we will be back together..

She said she loves me a lot she just needs time

Is this her way of letting go.

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she came over today and she broke down and said that she loves me but she is unhappy because she never gets to see her friends anymore.

Dude, she needs her space. You don't need to spend every day with her. Give her time for her friends.

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we broke up because she said she is unhappy and she needs time to think

Dude, she needs space to think.

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she said she needs time to think

Dude, she needs space to think.

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within this week, what are the chances we will be back together..

You don't need to worry about that. You need to go into no contact effective immediately. Build a life for yourself without this woman, because perhaps, that's how its going to be.

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she said she loves me a lot she just needs time

Dude, she needs space to think.

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is this her way of letting go.

Nobody knows but her. Although you shouldn't be worrying about these things. INITIATE NO CONTACT.

Give her what she asked for, and leave her alone to think. Maybe this is your chance to catch your breath and balance your life also.

You were moving way to fast any way.

More help is appreciated, thanks

Give me an update on how you're feeling. Have you spoke to her since?

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Originally Posted by 411Help

Give me an update on how you're feeling. Have you spoke to her since?

We were sending txts' backand forth last night I should have went into no contact right after we broke up but I was sending her txts' that we shouldn't be doing this etc...

She sent one text that said: "i still love you so much james more than you know.

then she said "your right I might have made a huge mistake today, I don't know"

Then after more texts she said something about getting back together she said yes just don't rush me please. I then went into no contact and haven't spoken to her since.

I think she just called me on a withheld # and I said hello and there was no response but I heard a slight breathing sound on the other line. I'm pretty sure it was her/

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Originally Posted by 411Help

Give me an update on how you're feeling. Have you spoke to her since?

I've never let myslf fall in love before I was the type that played and hurt the girl right after but now its back fired on me.

This pain is driving me nuts. I'm pacing back and forth I can't eat I'm having trouble doing the things I normally do I can't dj I can't focus.

I can't go to the gym and concentrate. I caled in sick last night to not go into work..

I'm a mess

I'm doing no contact but its killing me this is the hardest part.

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Originally Posted by 411Help

Give me an update on how you're feeling. Have you spoke to her since?

She knows that our chill factor is nothing else than what we've experienced. She even said that I'm the best boyfriend she's had yet. I've done everything right in the relationship and I've played every card almost perfect.

She just isn't sure if she wants to be together because she misses her old life before she met me and that her new life isn't what she expected it to be.

She said that she isn't the same person she was anymore and she does not like it. She is scared of change.

I don't know what to do.

I want her back

You want her back, correct? Ok.. Well, you need to give her exactly what she is asking for. That's SPACE. Stop texting, stop calling, stop emailing, stop EVERYTHING. You need to give her the room to think and evaluate whether she still wants to be with you. That doesn't mean mop around and wait for her. YOU should take this as an opportunity to evaluate yourself. Build a life for yourself that doesn't include her.

First not sure why you don't think this is not a normal break up, one like this happens all the time.

When you do start getting with someone else, things change, you don't see friends as much ( there is only so many hours in a day)

She was just not ready to be this serious that fast.

Have you made any effort to express to her that things would be different ad that'd she be able to have time with her friends, and even though its not what you WANT its what she NEEDS so you will support her?

Or do you feel like if you got back together things would have to be exactly as they were before?

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Originally Posted by Noodles15

Have you made any effort to express to her that things would be different ad that'd she be able to have time with her friends, and even though its not what you WANT its what she NEEDS so you will support her?

Or do you feel like if you got back together things would have to be exactly as they were before?

Yes. She sais she still doesn't know. I want her back so bad. I'm such a wreck. I can't do ANYTHING except smoke cigarettes

The texting, and calling, will only keep the feelings stirred up, so stop all of that, and let the emotional dust settle.

That's the only way either of you will ever cope with your feelings, on a realistic level, without the melodrama influencing you.

That's what happens when we get carried away by our emotions, and move to fast to cope, and adjust.

No Contact is what you need.

Something very similar happened to me few weeks ago except our relationship was not going as fast as yours... what she said to you seems to be something pretty common with girls in their early 20s that haven't experienced much in life. She wants to keep on living different experiences but with you, she feels stuck... its time to giive her what she wants, let her think and go NC. In the meantime start thinking more about yourself.. you probably have changed a lot because of your relationship so try to find that person you were when you met her and keep yourself busy with stuff you like to do.

Good luck buddy!

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Originally Posted by expat2009

something very similar happened to me few weeks ago except our relationship was not going as fast as yours.....what she said to you seems to be something pretty common with girls in their early 20s that haven't experienced much in life. She wants to keep on living different experiences but with you, she feels stuck....its time to giive her what she wants, let her think and go NC. In the meantime start thinking more about urself.. you probably have changed a lot because of your relationship so try to find that person you were when u met her and keep urself busy with stuff you like to do.

good luck buddy!

Every woman is the same. Same bull in relationships. I'm sitting in my room doing nothing I took a walk and felt like a zombie.

I can't focus on anything except lay in my bed and do .

I can't even go to work.

You need to force yourself to get out. Go for a jog. Get back to work. FORCE YOURSELF.

I know it sucks right now... I remember the 2nd day after my breakup, when thinks finally sunk in. I called in sick for work, I didn't eat, couldn't sleep either. I did, however, go for long runs so at least I was doing something productive. Do something that helps you release the tension... and trust me, you will feel a little bit better everyday, just stick to NC.

GIve her space, point blank.. Maintain NC for right now... she is way too confused, and seems like she doesn't want a serious relationship right now.. IF you close her in, and don't maintain NC, forget it, will never work.

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Originally Posted by sully123

GIve her space, point blank.. Maintain NC for right now... she is way too confused, and seems like she doesn't want a serious relationship right now.. IF you close her in, and don't maintain NC, forget it, will never work.

I cut no contact.

I told her I'm not interested in playing her games. I manned up.

She said she loves me and needs time to think and that she will contact me next week.

I got some things off my chest talking to her that I don't feel down anymore

Can you go into detail, if possible: Did you always want to hang out, or her? Also, how often per-week did you hang out?

As for her letting go, it's a real possibility. She has things on her mind, and her mind will tell her what to do. Just hope she doesn't think you're suffocating her.

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Originally Posted by J_Nannen

Can you go into detail, if possible: Did you always want to hang out, or her? Also, how often per-week did you hang out?

As for her letting go, it's a real possibility. She has things on her mind, and her mind will tell her what to do. Just hope she doesn't think you're suffocating her.

We hung out everyday since October 1-dec 22.

We go to the same college. We'd see each other every day in school. She would come over every day, we hung out every weekend. We'd skip class to go back to my place and *... *

We'd send 500+ txts' to each other a month

We'd call each other when we woke up in the morning

She would wake me up for school

We did everything together.

Everything.

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Originally Posted by JamesRusnak

we hung out everyday since october 1-dec 22.

we go to the same college. we'd see each other every day in school. she would come over every day, we hung out every weekend. we'd skip class to go back to my place and *....*

we'd send 500+ txts' to each other a month

we'd call each other when we woke up in the morning

she would wake me up for school

we did everything together.

everything.

Wow, OK. Yeah, that's a bit much. I would think seeing each other a couple times a week would suffice? Not to mention you already see her at school.

If you are the one wanting all this time, you may have to learn to step off. People need their space. Suffocating a person is a good way to make them lose interest. Brunt, but the truth.

That's the thing right there.. you guys did EVERYTHING together, which left no time for yourselves as individuals... you neglected friends and other things that are important as well. I think if a relationship becomes this interdependent than sooner or later one or the other (or both) will realise this, become confused, and decide to take some time off and rethink it all.

Let her be herself give her the time and space she wants... meanwhile, try to regain some of that life you had before you were together. NC does work to heal you, but you have to be patient and strong.

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Originally Posted by expat2009

thats the thing right there..you guys did EVERYTHING together, which left no time for yourselves as individuals....you neglected friends and other things that are important as well. I think if a relationship becomes this interdependent than sooner or later one or the other (or both) will realise this, become confused, and decide to take some time off and rethink it all.

let her be herself give her the time and space she wants...meanwhile, try to regain some of that life you had before you were together. NC does work to heal you, but you have to be patient and strong.

Last night we were texting each other... she sent the following texts right after me

***
Michelle- so then its over. If you can't give me time to think then I can't be with you . I love you james. Ill talk to you in a week.

*

How's it looking ?

Man, I'm sorry to hear that but she's pretty clear about it... by not giving her the space she asked you are just pushing her away. And I know its incredibly hard, Im going through the same thing but you got to be strong and think about yourself. The last couple of days were pretty tough for me, couldn't sleep much or eat much so I know the pain you must be feeling on your chest well.

Now is the time to go NC and probably not a good idea to talk to her next week or for a long time as it will just add more pain to what you feel.

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Originally Posted by expat2009

man, i'm sorry to hear that but she's pretty clear about it...by not giving her the space she asked you are just pushing her away. And I know its incredibly hard, Im going through the exact same thing but you gotta be strong and think about yourself. The last couple of days were pretty tough for me, couldnt sleep much or eat much so I know the pain you must be feeling on your chest well.

Now is the time to go NC and probably not a good idea to talk to her next week or for a long time as it will just add more pain to what you feel.

Yeah your right.

I sent her the last texts today I have nothing more to say.

I forwarded her txts' that she sent me a while back

"i mean i wanna be with you for a long time so please just think of me when your tempted in Toronto"

Another one I forwarded to her that she sent me was-- "i want to talk to you- I can't sleep and I miss you. Good night call me tomorrow

She didn't text back and I have nothing more to say

Ill leave her for her week

I just want her back.

Were not even spending new years together anymore

I don't know anymore

Sorry, but you are just pushing her away further. Let her breathe! As hard as it is, don't contact her in a week either, its way too soon. YOUR letting her dangle you, and setting yourself up for hurt. It will never work this way, what you are doing.

James, I broke up with an ex, over a year and a half ago. Now only after 17 months have we spoke and became friends. I tried like you did, the biggest mistake of my life.. Eveytime you contact that person, its one extra day.Maintain NC.. please and good luck.

Why aren't listening to us? We are telling you to give her, her space. Now do it.

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Originally Posted by 411Help

Why aren't listening to us? We are telling you to give her, her space. Now do it.

Easier said than done. Sometimes, we have to make the mistakes ourselves before we realize the magnitude of what we have done. I know I did, and now I am on here telling people not to do what I did, most of the time they don't listen however...

We will still be here for you even if you do make the same mistakes we tell you to avoid! Good luck!

Sorry, I didn't mean to come off as being rude. I was simply stating that, clearly, you are pushing this girl away. And, if you want any chance of being with her, you need to give her, her space.

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Originally Posted by 411Help

Sorry, I didn't mean to come off as being rude. I was simply stating that, clearly, you are pushing this girl away. And, if you want any chance of being with her, you need to give her, her space.

She's got her space.

That's good, I'm proud of you. Keep it up!

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Originally Posted by 411Help

That's good, im proud of you. Keep it up!

I sent this to her ealrier today-

Hey just wanted to apologize for my behaviour yesturday I didn't mean to be insensitive to your feeling in any way I understand where your coming from and w/e aount of time you need to think things through take all time you need. When your ready to give \me shout ill be here.

She replied saying-- "thank you, you have no idea how i feel"

What do you think?

I think you need to quit texting her. Giving space means NO CONTACT period. No excuses. Erase yourself from her life until she finds you...

I don't approve of that message. You're basically saying that she should take all the space that she needs, in meanwhile ill be sitting here mopping around waiting for you while you put my life on pause. I think you need to build a life without this girl. Because, you waiting for her to make a "Decision" is no fair to you.

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Originally Posted by 411Help

I don't approve of that message. You're basically saying that she should take all the space that she needs, in meanwhile ill be sitting here mopping around waiting for you while you put my life on pause. I think you need to build a life without this girl. Because, you waiting for her to make a "Decision" is no fair to you.

No you don't get it. She need space because she wants time with her family and she never sees her friends she feels she's changing and she doesn't want too

She just needs to realizee that our situation is fixable and next week hopefully well just end her troubles with being back together

I'm there for her and yes I am waiting on her decision because the things we have together I can never picture the same with another woman although with another woman there won't be those 'moments' I had with this girl and I don't want these moments to end with the girl I'm with right now while she's going through this tough time

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Originally Posted by 411Help

I don't approve of that message. You're basically saying that she should take all the space that she needs, in meanwhile ill be sitting here mopping around waiting for you while you put my life on pause. I think you need to build a life without this girl. Because, you waiting for her to make a "Decision" is no fair to you.

I love her too mcuh and have never let myself to fall in love with a woman before as I have with this girl.. we've already been through the THICK and thin in our 3 months. We've had arguments where she's cried she's done thing to piss me off and she cried saying she wants to be with me

She loves me

This girl did my 25% final english essay for me

I think that says it all

You are absolutely blinded by love right now, and I for one am tired of hearing you say that your situation is so much different than the million other people that have come on here with the same problem... You really think you can just "fix" things? You really think you can make her realize things are "fixable?"

I wish you luck, but I fear you are going to hit a brick wall really quickly. I hope I am wrong, but you seem way to needy, and you are acting like a baby right now... just my opinion.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You are absolutely blinded by love right now, and I for one am tired of hearing you say that your situation is so much different than the million other people that have come on here with the same problem...You really think you can just "fix" things? You really think you can make her realize things are "fixable?"

I wish you luck, but I fear you are going to hit a brick wall really quickly. I hope I am wrong, but you seem way to needy, and you are acting like a baby right now...just my opinion.

She said I was the best boyfriend she has had yet.

Aybe I am blinded by love

Maybe I am not

What she's going through with me there's no point in her wanting another boyfriend I've heard her say one weekend couple weeks back that she has never been as open with another boyfriend before as she is with me and its true