So, to cut a long story short, my ex and I had been together for almost two years. The 8 months of those were as a long distance relationship... which naturally had its ups and downs. It all came to a head when she couldn't get a professional job where I lived (thru no fault of her own and I accept that decision).

I now know that that wasn't the only reason... she really didn't move down because she wasn't attracted with me and didn't want to be with me... even if she could hide that behind the façade of not being able to get a job.

Anyway... we have been broken up for almost months now... and it has sucked. For the first two week we weren't really broken up... still telling each other how much we loved each other, still talking every night, kept our Facebook relationship status the same... but then she hooked up with some other guy (the same guy as I had suspected earlier no doubt) and it all changed...

Instantly I became that needy horrible guy trying to convince her to come back to me, and show how much she had hurt me. Needless to say it didn't work.

Anyway... I stopped doing that. She came crawling back to me somewhat but found another guy to make her feel better anyway... she is still seeing this guy although I am not meant to know about it.

I suspect she is going to tell me about him this week... we always said we would tell each other if we found something serious... which I suspect this guy might me on some level, although I know she is justing using him to ease her break up pain.

So... I know she is just stringing me along at least to some point... she is keeping me as as back out plan for when it falls through with this guy, she is weaning herself off me...

So I expect this week she will announce her relationship with this guy to me... and this is my plan:

When she tells me I will send her an email along these lines:

Victoria:

"I respect your decision to be with someone else. In fact, I am happy for you. For some screwed up reason I still consider you to be my best friend... so all I want is you to be happy. I hope this new guy makes you as happy as I made you.

But... I want you to respect my decision...

I do NOT want you to email me. I do NOT want to hear from you. I do NOT want you to text me or call me. I do NOT want to see you over Xmas and New Years.

I know this will be hard for both of us. But it is the way it has to be.

I am not saying I never want to hear from you again... but I need you to respect my decision to move on from you.

Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try. This window of opportunity will not be open forever... I am not holding my breath anymore.

I need to cut you out of my life so I can heal. I am not saying that we do not ever have a future together... maybe we do... but at the same time I have to get along with my life.

I will give you one chance right now... if you don't believe this is the right way to go, you can respond to this email and let me know how you feel about "us". Otherwise, I am sorry, but this is the way it has to be... "

What do you think??

I will also add that this means I do NOT want her coming to my brothers wedding... which she has said she would still like to do... in spite of her having a new man (which, again, I am not meant to know about)

OK and maybe I will also mention that we need to go NC so that we can both experience what it will be like not having each other in our lives... or should I let her find that out for herself?

Best not reply to the email and go NC straight away.

Good job. Make sure you mean what you say, and you say what you mean. Be committed to follow through with your words and do exactly what you said you would do. Not only will she respect you more, but it will also empower you, and restore some of yourself esteem and dignity.

That's the thing... its a mostly mutual break up, although its her doing overall. I can't just not reply to her emails... we were meant to go through this amicably and just ignoring her is not the right way to go. I can now see that there is a 95% chance we won't get back together... but I can't ignore that 5% and just cease contact altogehter...

To be honest, your barking up the wrong tree the wrong way.

You broke up months ago, and she has been doing her thing, and that's all well, and good.

Don't play at moving on, by pretending to be friends, when you have been holding on to false hope for a long time, or else you would have accepted the break up, and moved on by now as she has.

Go NC, and be busy, and unavailable and do your own thing, like you should have been, and forget the feel good drama, of explaining yourself, to yourself, as I doubt she cares what you do.

Just my opinion, but there is something dishonest, about the tit for tat strategy, your cooking up.

Even as a stranger I can see what you're up to with that... sorry but she will know exactly what you're doing... its more manipulation and I suspect its part of what caused your break up in the first place. Just decide to stop playing these games with someone. No Contact is about you.. not her. Its about you healing in a safe environment that is free from the pain the ex can bring to you. Trying to use No Contact this way won't work. Of course a lot of us who try No Contact have in the back of our minds that we want to get our Ex back... that's just honest... but deep down we know it probably won't work that way and you slowly realize that as the days go by without contact... it gets easier.

I hope you can reflect deeper about this relationship and what you and she did wrong. Let her go and move on. I don't think you mentioned your age but I suspect you're older than a teenagers... so I would suspect you really need to start doing the adult thing. Good luck!

Thanks Talaniman. I see your point. It has been about 2 months since we broke up.

I am going NC. But she is the one emailing me... baiting me. Saying that she would still love to come to my brothers wedding, if I will have her.

She's the one who emailed me saying "you are still my best friend and I still think about you every day"

Do I just simply not respond? I don't want to seem like I am bitter and twisted about all this. She thinks I am doing perfectly well... which in some ways I am. I have learnt some huge lessons about myself, and about what went wrong in our relationship.

She does care what I do... thats why she is always the one to email me and ask me about my day/week/weekend. Saying that she wants to hang out this (Southern Hemisphere) summer over the new year.

I can see that its probably unlikely we will get back together again... but to a large degre the reason we broke up is because of the long distance thing. If we had been living in the same city we would have weathered this... although I can now see that eventually we would have had all these issues to go through anyway, so its good it happened now.

I guess I am preparing for her to drop this bombshell to me that she has a new boyfriend. Its been two months... but its still fresh for both of us and I know she hasn't healed either. Which is why this guy is around.

So my question is what do I do when she tells me... maybe the whole dramatic email thing is not right. But it would get it said.

Hello there :)

Speaking from a guy that has had a few long distance relationships

And one that is. In one right away. I must say I can emapthies with what you are going threw.

It is tough! That's for sure. But you must not blame yourself.

Yeah when she went with the other guy and you became needy and wanting her back.
You do know that was PRIDE getting the best of you

Its like how can she leave ME! For that guy!
Most of us do that

But you sound like a very smart man. You understand your mistakes and are willing to make an effort to fix them!
Which can I say is a breath of fresh air!

I have spent a few weeks bashing some heads on a wall trying to get them to understand that NO CONTACT

Is for You. And your time to heal!
You don't need this women in your life.
Would you really want someone that with all due respect
Goes and sleeps around just to make her self feel better?

You did not break the deal here. She did. So delet her from your life
Trust me it is the only way to go
It will suck for the first few weeks

But in time you will get better and better.
Not only that.
It gives you self respect and pride when you cut someone off like that.


Don't give her any more chances man. Just drop her. You know it is the right thing to do
I can read it. In what you typ

Best of luck

Quote:

---

But she is the one emailing me... baiting me

---

You are the one allowing it, and are the one putting her first before yourself. Your strategy is based on fear, and false hope, and you need to just focus on you, and to hell what she is saying.

How can you get dumped, and still kiss her butt????

NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!

Ok, so here is an example of what I get sent via email at work:

Hey Russ,

How did your weekend go? Sorry I never transferred that money. I completely forgot and then got loose in town on Friday and spent like over $150. So guts. Also, just thought I should let you know that I got a B for my research project…all my results are out now and I have a GPA of 6.8 so I guess that means I get second class first division!

Went to Kanye last night with Sarah, Richard, Mike, Nick etc. Was awesome :-)

Oh and I met Susie on Friday night…nice lady. Good fun!

... so all those people above are my friends, or my friends girlfriends. This is the kind of email I generally get. It's a difficult one not to respond to .

Bear in mind that I willl be seeing her over the next few weeks over Xmas and New Years. Also bear in mind that she has a new boyfriend that she has not told me about...

I think I want to go 100% no contact... but how do I tell her? And should I wait until after Xmas?

I don't want to maniputlate... but how does this short and sweet email sound.

"Victoria,
This isn't working for me. I need to heal and I can't do that if we keep on emailing each other. I need this time apart. I hope you understand.

Russ."

Hi Empty cans, you know what I won't bother sending that at all, just go NC. V simple. I have thought of doing the same- like a million times a day and I have written god knows how many letters, emails- saying how I never want to her from him again etc... which at the end I email to one of my friends- or I will post it here instead... I was also in a distance relationship, and was about to get married when I accidentally found out here was cheating- We were together for 9 years. So I can understand you feelings, its v hard. I have learnt that the more information you give to your ex- the more they will play. Walk away= e he/she is not playing no more. It is important to do this as this way one can start to think for oneself and in effect start to heal bit by bit. It is not easy- v v hard, as I struggle v much but I am trying v hard to do it as I have to do it for me, even though I miss my ex v much and to this day we have not had a chat about what happened.

Quote:

---

I think I want to go 100% no contact... but how do I tell her? And should I wait until after Xmas?

---

Just do it now, busy and unavailable.

Look, I actually liked the idea of sending that first e-mail. If, as you said, you were good friends and the break-up was amicable, I think your ex isn't understanding what this break-up is for you, and that after reading the e-mail she'll leave you alone.

But after sending the e-mail you need to mean what you wrote. And if she ever tries to get back, be polite and nice, answer, but don't jump back fast. Make her work for it. Although chances are you'll never hear from her again.

Of course, it could also be that she's playing you. But you are the one who knows her and I think if you are honest with yourself, you'll know what's the deal with her.

I would rephrase the e-mail, though, removing all the references to her new life or whatever. Just tell her you want her best, that it's over, that you need to move on and that if she hopes to have you as a friend in the future she needs to let you go now.

Remove the part about "window of opportunity" and that you are not waiting, or that you will give her one last chance. She already knows what's going on.

This message is not about her. It's about you.

If I were you I would go NC straight away. Don't bother explaining yourself, she won't listen anyway. You know why? Because she is only thinking of herself. The reason she is contacting you is a way of staying in the picture, not letting you take her out of your mind. Im sorry if Im harsh but I've had to deal with this sort of behaviour for 5 months now. I went NC since the 2nd week and never answered any of her calls or emails. Since then I have only once broken NC and that's because she tricked me into it (she was waiting outside my house). I know it is the only way for me to sort my thoughts out and it really worked.

I can't handle this anymore.

I can't handle this friend bullsh*t which she is feeding me…I am being so screwed over by her. Feeding me all this sh*t whilst she is f**king another guy…sending me emails asking me how I am and stuff, how my weekend was. I wish she just had the courage to tell me that she has met someone new rather than giving me all this false hope.

I can accept now that we will probably NEVER EVER get back together. And even if we did it would never be the same because I would always know in my heart that she can move on with me and leapfrog into another relationship at the click of her fingers. She has betrayed me. All that "I want to be with you forever" stuff was just crap. If she actually loved me and wanted to be with me then she should would be with me…instead she has hurt me like I never knew I could be hurt.

I don't think I can be friends with her. Not now. Not while I'm trying to heal and pick up the pieces of my life. The only reason she contacts me is because she feels guilty and wants to let me down slowly so she doesn't feel so bad about her self. And once she's finished letting me down slowly she will walk away and never contact me again.

I really don't know what to do. I am waiting for her to tell me about this guy…but she doesn't seem to want to. This is in spite of the fact that we said we would tell each other if someone else came along…

I don't know whether I should see her over Christmas/New Years and just tell her then that this whole friend think just isn't working. The only way I will move on is if I have zero contact with her. That would even mean deleting her as a friend from Facebook. I just don't want it to seem like I am being childish.

It will undoubtedly be the hardest thing I have ever done…but maybe its what I have to do.

Maybe I just shouldn't see her. Period. Not reply to her emails. Not reply to her texts or chats. Not answer if she calls me.

OR do I just ride this out. Things will fizzle out with this guy, that is a given in my eyes. Do I keep letting her bait me with these bullcrap emails asking me how I am and I reply saying I am fine…and being the nice guy and do my best to just move on and keep her on the back burner.

I guess I just don't want to burn my bridges with her completely…but the hard thing is maybe that is what I have to do.

She isn't deserving of your attention. She isn't even worthy of your pain. No contact. Do it... stick to it. Tell her to not contact you anymore. I know its hard. Do you see the pattern? She's using you to feel better about everything while she gets to have fun and feel fine. You on the other hand feel used and hurt.

I am struggling with no contact right now. I know you've done it before and I think you know what you need to do. Remove yourself from the pain she's bringing to your life. When you're away from that pain... you can then deal with the pain that is coming from inside you... and it'll be easier because she can't hurt you anymore.

Say good bye to her. Move on. It's hard... its painful but it must be done.

If you don't go NC and cut her completely out of your life don't expect a change in her attitude or the pain you feel. This is not a game, its your own good that's at stake here. Don't let her drag you through the gutter and then dump you at a worst position than you are now. SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT HERSELF!! Cut her off and burn those bridges. Just drop off the face of the earth for a while, or for as long as you need to bring balance to your life.

You need to stay focused and not let her interfere with your healing process in any way. She is NOT part of your life anymore. Time to accept it! Don't wait to find out about this guy, that will just hurt a million times more. Ive been there and honestly hope that I will never have to go through something as painful in my life. Stay strong!

I give in. No contact is going to be initiated as of right now. I will keep you all posted.

No contact is a very serious technique that I'm currently really struggling to do... winning most the time. If you aren't sure why you need to do it... read these:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ule-46556.html

Should I Contact My Ex? Things You Should Know

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

I have read these basically a million times over the last week or so... and it always reminds me why I'm doing this... its so easy to forget.

I think the hardest thing for me is going to be when she emails... and I will find it hard not to respond. I have been very good at not being the one initiating the contact.

Also... she owes me $500 which I would quite like back. I think when she does email I will just keep it very brief... say I am busy and that I would appreciate she start paying off the money. She was supposed to pay half of it last week, but "forgot".

Its funny how girls seem to react so much on instinct in a break up situation... everything she has done is actually so predictable on so many levels... leapfrogging into a new relationship... emailing me and filling me with false hope... letting me down gently so she doesn't feel guilty... it seems like she doesn't have a choice in how she reacts, or that she is just choosing the easy option rather than actually taking time to properly move on.

Then again, I am guilty of acting on my instincts too... its just a pity that those instincts told me to call her every day for the first month of the break up, and to try and win her back overzealously.

Its taken me a while to figure out but as she is the breaker of this relationship... its up to her to chase after me and win me back, not the other way around. I will never get her back by chasing.

It's the adage... we all want what we can't have.

Dude what the hell are you doing! Go nc straight away!! I went through the same not long ago! Long distance 2!! Some eff'd up shi* , but trust me nc is the only way, don't respond to anything! Mine came back to me after a month or 2 of nc, but remember, they don't always come back! If they don't, then it wasn't meant to be! Read my thread. Goodluck. Peace from london.

Well I guess I am a sucker for punishment...

I got this email from her today:

"Heya

How was your weekend? I am sorry to do this to you but do you think you could call me tonight? I have been really upset and stressed recently about heaps of stuff and I have been trying so hard to not talk to you about it but I really need too. You're my best friend and it's just weird not being able to have you there to talk too. If you would rather not then that is okay, but I would appreciate any time you could spare.

Hope you're well"

I know I should probably have just deleted it straight away... but I have agreed to talk to her tonight. I know you are all going to bite my head off about this... but I want to hear what she has to say.

Ironically, today if she emailed me asking how I was etc I was going to tell her that I can't do this whole friend thing anymore because I just need to focus on myself.

But then I receive this email from her instead...

I don't expect her to talk about anything to do with us in this conversation... and I can see this email is full of false hope. And I deserve to have my head ripped off. But this is also my chance to set it straight and tell her that I can't do this anymore... I can't be that friend that she can rely on anymore... for my own sake.

This breakup was mutual and amicable (LDR... she couldn't get a professional job down here, I didn't want to leave so no other option)... I know I don't owe her anything, but I don't think it would be fair to just ignore this.

Its just frustrating that she has to send this now... right when I was preparing to cut her out of my life.

I don't feel weak about it because she is the one engaging me... I know it took a lot for hear to reach out and send me that email. It also makes me think that her relationship with this new guy may not be that strong... otherwise she would be turning to him for advice on whatever these issues are. But at the end of the day, that is just speculation.

Oh well, I will let you know how it goes... even though you probably can already tell me.

Just remember that No Contact is not to punish them... I know it feels like you are... but you are just removing the source of pain from your life so it doesn't create additional pain while you heal. There is nothing wrong with lending an ear if you must... but I would make it very clear that you are NOT ready to be friends. This is something she gave up when she broke up with you. She can't have her cake AND eat it too. Of course its creating false hope in you. She might even give you some false ideas tonight if she truly is upset about something... its so easy to miss someone when you're unhappy about life.

Trust me.. I am struggling with NC in my life... I keep starting and failing... so I wouldn't judge you... you've done it better than I have... but be careful... remember that NC puts the responsibility for the break up and the pain it caused... back on your ex.

You are not and should not be there to make her feel better about anything. From my understanding... the only contact you should have is if they say they want to get back together (and that contact would only happen after you really give it some thought)... Good Luck! Hope your "talk" is short... and you get to make your point to her.

Hi Speaking from a girls point of view she wants her cake and to eat it too. Girls love knowing that men want them and love having the power to drive them crazy! Is this completely mental and unfair? Of course, we never said we were easy to understand! U need to not contact her, easy to say I know but this girl has clearly moved on and you need to too and the only way is to walk away. She's quite manipulative and a complete game player and I think she's rubbing off on you. Get away now before you jeopardise your next relationship. Good luck

Wow...

So we talked for about an hour and a half. She's had a lot of stuff going on in her life which has all boiled down in the last week or so... troubles at home, with getting a job, with what to do with her life. She really did just need someone to talk to... and as I know her better than anyone else, that person needed to be me.

And she thanked me for listening... and I said that's OK, but I can't always be here for you any more. I told her that by hearing from her it gave me hope for something that might not ever happen, something that I really want but can't have.

So I know it should normally be off limits... but we talked about us for a long time. She told me how she had been dealing with it the wrong way... by going out and getting drunk and hooking up with guys... she has even started smoking which is totally out of character.

I asked her if she had been seeing anyone... to which she said she had, and I told her I was OK about that. She said that its over and that she now realises that she was vulnerable and that's the only reason she did it.

Its weird but I am glad I have gone through this the way I have... largely alone and tormented by my mind. She has dealt with this the opposite way, by just going out with her friends, getting drunk, and giving everyone the impression that she was perfectly, when deep down she was hurting just as much as I have.

So... I broke NC tonight... but I'm glad I did. I feel in an even better position... I laid all my cards out on the table, and told her that for me to move on we can't be keeping in contact. She knows where I stand... which in my situation where there was an agreeable break is a much better situation than just dropping off the face of the earth.

Please feel free to comment or pick holes in what I have just written!

I don't think it can be said better than tal and true have put it. I mean, if you absolutely have to answer her e-mails ( they say not to, but you already know you'll do it anyway). Id keep it short and sweet. "Victoria, thank you for telling me the truth, good luck in this new relationship, im sure we will both find happiness." Something like that as long as it is the truth in your mind. However, if you're just trying to get revenge to some degree by throwing out all the NOT's about doing stuff and seeing each other, then you're wasting your time. Even if she's not fully happy now, its only a matter of time before the pain of this relationship wears thin. She's taking action to get it off her mind and you should too, you can try and force her to feel the pain, chances are she will temporarily, but ultimately it will be another thing she will get over and will just make you appear more and more like the unhappy one.

You want to appear as if you have your head on straight (even if you dont). Pull it together, be honest with yourself and everyone you ask for advice and try to do the hard thing. Don't contact her, if you must... answer her e-mails but for the love of god don't fall into a trap or give her what she wants. If you decide to tell her you want NC, make sure you're prepared for that and not just saying it to get a reaction. If I were you id be pretty disgruntled and I think that would fuel my desire to stay away from her. You should seriously consider NC altogether.

Good Luck

Definitely didn't see your latest post before my last one. I couldn't really tell if you had agreed on anything with her. However, I can tell one thing about what you said and that is that you gave in. "Actions speak louder than words" pretty much sums it up. She could have had all kinds of reasons for what she did, but she still did them. You can make yourself feel OK about all that if you want to, but are you really? If so it comes down to whether she is really done with all of those things... because chances are she's not. I'd wait it out a while before I considered anything at all. Hopefully you didn't just reassure her today that you were still an option... because if you can settle to be an option, you are really shooting yourself in the foot and not giving yourself the respect and dignity you deserve.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Empty Cans

Wow...

So we talked for about an hour and a half. She's had a lot of stuff going on in her life which has all boiled down in the last week or so...troubles at home, with getting a job, with what to do with her life. She really did just need someone to talk to...and as I know her better than anyone else, that person needed to be me.

And she thanked me for listening...and I said that's ok, but I can't always be here for you any more. I told her that by hearing from her it gave me hope for something that might not ever happen, something that I really want but can't have.

So I know it should normally be off limits...but we talked about us for a long time. She told me how she had been dealing with it the wrong way...by going out and getting drunk and hooking up with guys...she has even started smoking which is totally out of character.

I asked her if she had been seeing anyone...to which she said she had, and I told her I was ok about that. She said that its over and that she now realises that she was vulnerable and thats the only reason she did it.

Its weird but I am glad I have gone thru this the way I have...largely alone and tormented by my mind. She has dealt with this the opposite way, by just going out with her friends, getting drunk, and giving everyone the impression that she was perfectly, when deep down she was hurting just as much as I have.

So...I broke NC tonight...but I'm glad I did. I feel in an even better position...I laid all my cards out on the table, and told her that for me to move on we can't be keeping in contact. She knows where I stand...which in my situation where there was an agreeable break is a much better situation than just dropping off the face of the earth.

Please feel free to comment or pick holes in what I have just written!

---

Sorry getting used to using this site so may use it wrong

I think what you did was very brave and mature. Maybe now that you've sorted your own relationship out you can help me with mine- a mans point of view?

Like you say the cards are on the table, and you can move from there.

Irishgirl, what is your issue? Have you posted a question on this forum yet? I would be glad to help.

Thanks kctiger
Have posted a question just about boyfriend. Been going out 18 months and he's getting complicant, being a spoilt brat I know but I want more attention and affection from him now the honeymoon period is over, any ideas?

I hear you say you're happy you did it this way. Trust me... you're coming off that high of having spoken to her... probably a few false hopes still in there... come back in about 5 days of no contact... I suspect you'll feel a little worse... and most likely... a little angry at her for using you again. She can't rely on you. She broke up with you. Its as plain and simple as that.

I just hope you're fully OK with not hearing from her again for a long time... maybe never. She got what she needed (your support and confirmation that you still want her). Now she can move on knowing she's not yet... alone in the world. Doesn't seem fair to me. Return to No Contact... sooner the better.

Ok so I'm a bit confused now... which I suppose is to be expected.

So after our talk on the phone on Monday, I suppose I was on a bit of a high... it was so good to have a decent conversation with her where we covered some actual things that were going on in our lives, rather than just superficial BS about how our week has been...

And then the next night we had an IM chat... and she thanked me for the chat, and we talked about us... about our relationship and all the good times, and how we missed the laughing, and friendship and the talks... and how we missed each other.

I actually have an appetite again... that feeling of doom and gloom has lifted somewhat because I now know that we are actually both on a similar level with this breakup... when I knew she was seeing other guys it destroyed me, I felt like she had just dropped me out of her life and replaced me... and was out having the time of her life. The fact is that that wasn't the case... it was just her way of dealing with the break up.

As I have said before, the main reason we broke up was because of neither of us wishing to be in a LDR where there was no end date in sight... but having said that, I have now been able to see where other things were not quite right. This break up was a blessing... something I had to go through to learn about myself. And I know there is a hell of a lot more learning to do as I am not even close to being healed... but even so it has been an eye opener.

Im going back up to my home town for 2 and a half weeks for Xmas and New Years and we have made tentative plans to see each other. I guess I have played out a few scenarios in my head as to how it will all pan out... Im not expecting for anything to happen romantically between us, but the thoughts have crossed my mind.

Although I'm happy with how things are right now... I suppose in some ways maybe it would have been easier if she had just come out and said she was seeing this guy, then I would actually have had just cause to cut her out of my life completely. But now that we have sort of made up and connected on an emotional level again... I suppose it has tempered my desire to cut her out of my life. Now I want her in there again.

Is this all really just a big game she is playing?

She has made plans to move over to Europe next year... and a part of me what's to proposition to her that I make the move over too. The thing is, I still have unfinished business here, and maybe this is something she has to do on her own. But if she does go, then it will be at least another 18 months before we are living in the same city again... and even then, that is unsure. If we hit it off when I go back up for the holidays, do you think I should proposition this to her? Or should I just let fate takes it course and not force things... its just hard to imagine the next 18 months without her.

Dude, you aren't dumb. You're calling a lot of these shots, the only issue right now is that your heart is keeping you from really being able to think clearly. That's completely understandable as I can tell you I've done the same thing. Right now though, I have to say, the only reason you have an appetite isn't because of all these things you've accomplished and being on the same page. The reason you have an appetite now is because you now have hope. The reason you broke up isn't necessarily just because of the LDR, its also because she has had other feelings towards other people, and I know some people deal with it that way,(my ex right now), however, that doesn't mean that it shouldn't still be dealt with. Sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants, and you do. You're hurt and she's lonely. I wouldn't be very surprised if this did turn out to just be another bit of bs for her to try and stay happy short term... and dude... you're falling for it hard. Its possible that she is actually having all these feelings for you again, but even so, (chances are slim) read your initial post and ask yourself if you really want to be with that person again... despite what she's done. Think smart, don't get used, there's a healthy and good relationship out there for you where you can mutually have the things you want. Don't settle to make your heart pain less.

I had to spread the rep, Grayfox, but you made some very good points, as she is thinking short term, and going along with the program for now, but making some long term plans for leaving for 18 months. I think a lot more talking is appropriate, before you can just throw your whole life into her ring, as she doesn't really sound as if she is committed, but still has and eye for something else.

It's a big red flag, to run from one guy to others as a way to handle a break up, so sorry, I would be really reluctant to expect her to be ready for what you want. I really think she is just not ready and you're a comfort zone.

You had better resolve all your issues before giving her your heart yet again.

Thanks for the advice Tal and Grayfox. I can see what you both mean... at the moment I am filled with some hope, I guess I'm just trying to put the pieces of the hope jigsaw together to see how I could make it work out for us. But at the same time I can see that she could just be using me as some short term comfort... a way of knowing that she is not alone.

I don't agree with the way she handled it... seeing a couple of other guys pretty quickly, and one guy exclusively for a wee while... but I forgive her for it, she was vulnerable and hurt. She is an attractive girl and its hardly surprising that she had a few guys trying it on with her.

If things go well when I see her in a few weeks time, I will broach the subject with her... let her know what I am prepared to do for us to be together. But it will have to be because it is what she wants... and she will need to be just as committed to it as I am. I think the chances are possibly slim... but I guess the alternative of at least 18 months apart would be difficult to face without knowing that it could maybe have been another way.

But at least if I know that it is not what she wants... it will make it all the more bearable as I will know at least I gave it a shot and have to move on with my life in the interim.