Hello everyone, I'm currently going through a rough stretch. My girlfriend of a year and a half told me two days ago that she still loves me but needs space. The past month was really good for us, no fighting, and just enjoying our time together. Five days before she asked for space she said she wanted an engagement ring, and that we should get engaged. We ended up getting into a fight because her friend who just came back from living in New York asked her to give her a ride to fill out an application for a job. I got angry because she said she would call me to let me know how things were going, well an hour later I didn't hear from her and called her. She didn't answer the phone then called me right back, I overreacted and told her I didn't want to talk to her. The reason I acted like this is because two of her past friends took advantage of her and I had to help her get rid of them. They were on drugs and were stealing stuff from her and my house. Because of these past issues I feel that I let insecurites from the past cloud my vison. She told me a couple of days ago that she needs to find herself and get herself together. She told me that she has lost all of her friendships and that she doesn't know how to make friends. I feel its unfair, because she never told me any of these things were bothering her. I know she loves me and I have not contacted her in two days. In the mean time all of her clothes are still at my house and so are her cats. And on her myspace page she still has me as her number one and has pictures of us all over her page. She also set her mood to gloomy. I don't know if any of these things mean anything but I'm really confused. I've been keeping myself busy and went out with my friends a couple times last week. I'm holding up pretty good but am still madly in love with her. I need some advice.

What was your reaction to her suggesting an engagement ring?
Are all of her 'friends' creating a negative reaction from you?

Anyone asking for space means it, so I would suggest you give it and hope for the best. This will also give you time to think of taking this relationship further or if it has lost it's spark and what you are willing to do to be comfotable with each other again.

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If you truly love her, and I think you do, fairness has nothing to do with it. When you love her as your friend, she needs space, you give it. You know how to keep yourself busy. If the relationship is meant to be she will come out of her "gloomy" phase and come back.

Give her what she asked for, and keep yourself respect by not acting immature, needy, or making a pest of yourself. A good time to reflect, and regroup, and reorganize your life.

Give her space.

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Originally Posted by e46

We ended up getting into a fight because her friend who just came back from living in New York asked her to give her a ride to fill out an application for a job. I got angry because she said she would call me to let me know how things were going, well an hour later I didnt hear from her and called her. She didnt answer the phone then called me right back, I overreacted and told her I didnt want to talk to her. The reason I acted like this is because two of her past friends took advantage of her and I had to help her get rid of them. They were on drugs and were stealing stuff from her and my house. Because of these past issues I feel that I let insecurites from the past cloud my vison.

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The older I get, the more I realize that no relationship hinges on one thing that anyone has done or said, unless it's really something bad like cheating or stealing or whatever. You can kick yourself to death, wondering what you did or said wrong, but when it comes down to it, if she broke up with you, it had a lot more to do than with one incident.

Thank you for the support. When she brought up the engagement I told her that we would have to wait and see how smoothly things went for awhile. I told her I was going to get her a ring but I wanted to wait for the right time. Ive always been supportive of what she has chosen to do. But when it comes to her friends I can admit that I'm really not that supportive. Its just strange that the realationship ended so abrublty and that she hasn't called yet. If she doesn't call in another week should I keep up n/c? Will she ever call me again, or is that something that is really unsure at this point?

She doesn't have friends because you helped her rid herself of them. Which may be a good thing. But she probably is a little bitter because she doesn't have any. So when she finally hangs out with someone, you kind of wig out on her. Yeah, she's probably bitter that she can't have anyone else in her life. Just give her the space that she is asking for. Don't call or bug her. Let things sort themselves out. Let her contact you.

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Originally Posted by e46

Thank you for the support. When she brought up the engagement I told her that we would have to wait and see how smoothly things went for awhile. I told her I was going to get her a ring but I wanted to wait for the right time. Ive always been supportive of what she has chosen to do. But when it comes to her friends I can admit that im really not that supportive. Its just strange that the realationship ended so abrublty and that she hasnt called yet. If she doesnt call in another week should I keep up n/c? Will she ever call me again, or is that something that is really unsure at this point?

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Hi E46,

I think the best thing for you to do, even though it is hard, is to wait until she calls you. If you don't hear from her, I still don't think you should call her. I think she needs to figure things out for herself, and it's best that you both have your space. You need to keep as busy as you can, try not to dwell on her, or what she is doing, thinking, etc. You must try and be strong, and time will tell, either way.

Maybe instead of getting upset about the situation,just show her you understand... send her flower with a sweet card but don't give them to her personally if you don't have a professional deliver them, put them on her car or something sweet. Whatever you do make sure you let her know that you are okay with giving her space but she still is your number one.. you don't know there might be feeling going through her that she can't explain sometimes its really hard to give up all your friends and still be happy especially when u are not meeting new people.

I know that space is the best thing to do right now, but Im just really confused. I know she wanted to get engaged and that she still loves me very much. Im just not sure if she's taking space to get over me, or to help our relationship in the long run. Like I said all of her clothes and personal belongings are still here. And on her myspace page she still has pictures of us. She also has me as her number one, and that she is still in a relationship. Both of her cats are here. All of these things are making me confused, and wondering what her true intentions are.

She said she needed space. She didn't say bye, that's it, so long, etc. She did not officially break up with you.

She probably feels just as lonely and confused as you do right now and is wondering why you don't contact her. A relationship needs trust, mutual respect and assurance.. but if you put everything else in her life in question and make all the decisions, she might feel that you don't trust her to make decisions on her own, and that hurts any woman, no matter how much she loves you. Give her some air to breathe. If a man I loved tried to totally control my life, I would be sad and confused too - and would need time to think.

I would send greetings through myspace, let her know the cats are doing fine but missing her - try not to ask too many questions and don't be disrespectful.


Good luck.

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Dude she will be back, after she makes you miss her some, and she wouldn't have to do such things, if you were ready for an engagement, as she is. I think she is tired of you getting the milk free, and she wants you to buy the cow. You may as well, since you already control when she can see her friends, like a lousy husband.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Dude she will be back, after she makes you miss her some, and she wouldn't have to do such things, if you were ready for an engagement, as she is. I think she is tired of you getting the milk free, and she wants you to buy the cow. You may as well, since you already control when she can see her friends, like a lousy husband.

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Gotta spread it again Tal. Sad, but true. Some women like a certain amount of control, but a man also needs to know when to give a little to get more than just a partner that jumps when he snaps his fingers.. He needs to think 'us' and not just 'me'. And if he's not ready for that, then he should let her know so that she does not waste any more prescious time on hoping for a future 'together'. Togetherness is both having an opinion in a partnership.

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I know she cares about me and that there are things that I need to change. That's what I have been working on And I totally agree with what everybody is saying, but I just don't want to be stringed along and then all of a sudden she tells me she doesn't want to be with me. Shoud I never talk to her or give it a certain amount of time? Ive been trying my hardest and I still haven't given in and called her, but today was really rough for me. I know that she doesn't owe me anything but its hard to keep my mind off her completely.

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Originally Posted by e46

I know she cares about me and that there are things that I need to change. Thats what I have been working on And I totally agree with what everybody is saying, but I just dont want to be stringed along and then all of a sudden she tells me she doesnt want to be with me. Shoud I never talk to her or give it a certain amount of time? Ive been trying my hardest and I still havent given in and called her, but today was really rough for me. I know that she doesnt owe me anything but its hard to keep my mind off of her completely.

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Yes, she does owe you something. Just like you owe her some space. Just go do your thing. Hit the gym, rearrange the apartment, do things for you. You are definitely right, you don't want strung along. Give it a couple weeks. Let her contact you. But I would say, after 2 or 3 weeks, make contact if she hasn't. I'm sure she will though. Also, don't pick up the phone. Call her back. Make her feel what waiting feels like.

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Make her feel what waiting feels like.

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Sorry, mafiaangel, but I don't agree with this suggestion. As you can see, she has given up friends for him and suggested an engagement and he put her off. He has made all the decisions so far and she has done the 'waiting'. So, she is probably taking a break to find out what else she would be giving up for him - and what, of herself, she still has.

IMO, he is still inclined to want a 'time-table' because he's the planner and shaker. Now he misses her but 'what' exactly he misses is not clear. Does he miss her warmth, laughter, companionship... or just someone he has there to fill in a 'space' that he thinks should be filled according to his needs and schedule?

We all know this separation can go two ways, and it takes time... but he wants answers NOW - which means he's not in control of the situation and that, is what I think is bothering him the most.

I could be wrong, but I just thought it worth my time to express another view and sincerely hope it helps.

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Originally Posted by e46

I know she cares about me and that there are things that I need to change. Thats what I have been working on And I totally agree with what everybody is saying, but I just dont want to be stringed along and then all of a sudden she tells me she doesnt want to be with me. Shoud I never talk to her or give it a certain amount of time? Ive been trying my hardest and I still havent given in and called her, but today was really rough for me. I know that she doesnt owe me anything but its hard to keep my mind off of her completely.

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Dear, how about writing down your feelings in a journal. Don't leave out the part on what you miss about her, and how she has shown you that she cares.. Sometimes it helps to remember how you two got together, the plans you had, good times shared, and yes, even the arguments.

Then, when you've got yourself pulled together again, invite her to a neutral place and have a nice conversation - and don't forget to 'listen' when she has something to say.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Chery

Sorry, mafiaangel, but I don't agree with this suggestion. As you can see, she has given up friends for him and suggested an engagement and he put her off. He has made all the decisions so far and she has done the 'waiting'. So, she is probably taking a break to find out what else she would be giving up for him - and what, of herself, she still has.

IMO, he is still inclined to want a 'time-table' because he's the planner and shaker. Now he misses her but 'what' exactly he misses is not clear. Does he miss her warmth, laughter, companionship.... or just someone he has there to fill in a 'space' that he thinks should be filled according to his needs and schedule?

We all know this separation can go two ways, and it takes time... but he wants answers NOW - which means he's not in control of the situation and that, is what I think is bothering him the most.

I could be wrong, but I just thought it worth my time to express another view and sincerely hope it helps.

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You're right! Sorry, I'm sure she does know what waiting feels like.

I agree I can't control this situation, and I have made her wait for me. How long should I wait before I contact her? Do I ever call her first? When she first said she needed space I was texting and calling her a lot without any response from her. She finally texted me all the things I told you guys. We have had problems before and we didn't talk for a day or two, but this time it feels different. This time I feel like she is really upset with me. She is very stubborn and I feel like she will never call me. It's been three days since Ive talked to her and its really hard. I keep wanting to call her, but I'm not giving in.

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Originally Posted by e46

This time I feel like she is really upset with me. She is very stubborn and I feel like she will never call me. It's been three days since Ive talked to her and its really hard. I keep wanting to call her, but i'm not giving in.

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Sounds to me like you both have very strong opinions, but are not on the same level. You wanted what you wanted when you wanted it, and she wanted something too... Well, this is not a competition on who is going to hold off the longest.. this is a relationship between two people who should be communicating with each other and not see who will give in first.

You can't control how much longer she will stay away, but if you really feel that you miss her and need her, how are you going to let her know this if neither of you budge. You have control over this... you either contact her and tell her how you really feel, or stand your ground and wait until she comes by to pick up her cats and other things. At any rate, the signal you are not sending is helping her move further and further away.. and the only way YOU can stop her from moving further is to take a step forward.

If you think you might still have a chance and really want it, try emailing her about her cats.. that they are fine and miss her... and leave it at that - see if she reacts. But, be careful because 'urging her' to make up her mind is not the right tactic to use.

Good luck.

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So I called her today. She didn't pick up the phone so I left a voicemail. I let her know that her cats were doing fine, and that I was respecting the fact that she wanted space and that's why I haven't called her. I told her I was taking this time to improve myself and that I understand why she wanted space. I also said that I wanted to get back to the man she fell in love with, and that I was doing a lot of soul searching. I don't know what to do from this point. Im not going to call or text her again, but I don't know what to think about this situation. Is she going to respond? Im wondering if the message meant anything to her. Im just really confused about where we stand.

Dear, you did what you could to try and mend things. Now, it's her move. You might have to wait a while, but you will eventually get an answer. What the answer is, none of us can guarantee. However, you've done your part - now only TIME will tell.

Continue to work on yourself, have patience and stay with us when it gets hard to wait. We've all been there - some of us more than once in our lives and I promise, you'll survive.

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Thank you for the support Chery. I know I have to work on myself, and I will continue to do that. I know its going to be tough and there will be days when I want to call her, but I have to promise myself I won't do it. What do I do if she texts me back? Do I respond or wait until she calls? I will continue to let everyone know what's going on.

When she contacts you, respond - let her decide if and when to meet and talk. It might not be totally what you would like, but still stay calm.

I'm not going to leave you on your own now that you've gotten this far. At least it's a step forward.

Be patient and stay with us - and keep busy with other things too so as not to stress yourself out.

TaTaForNow.
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Thanks for the advice and comfort Chery. All of this has helped me a great deal and I'm very thankful. I will continue to work on myself and be patient. I will let you know how things go within the next couple of days.

Ok so its been about a week since I've heard from her. I honeslty am to the point where I feel like I don't deserve to be treated like this. I haven't contacted her and am not going to, but I just don't understand how somebody tells you they love you and want to get engaged to you and then they take off and I never hear from them again. I think its very cruel and hope this doesn't affect me with later relationships. Any advice would really help me out, thanks.

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but I just don't understand how somebody tells you they love you and want to get engaged to you and then they take off and I never hear from them again.

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Bear in mind when someone says this, they are sitting twiddling their thumbs hoping to be taken back. That is the problem, as I can imagine what goes through your mind, when she doesn't indicate where you stand.

Your better served by taking the bull by the horn, making your own decision, and making sure she gets her stuff. Then you know what you do next. Just my opinion, but one partner can't control the whole relationship, unless you let them. You have as much right to stand up for yourself, a she does pursuing her own interest.

I agree, I feel that she thinks she is in complete control. I admit I overreacted but I don't deserve to be treated as if I did something way worse. I guess I just feel abandoned, and am in denial that she actually did this. I don't know if I will hear from her in the future, but I don't want her to think she can have me whenever she wants. I don't want to be her safety net. I thought she loved me so much more then this. But I guess packing up her stuff up would be a good first step. Should I contact her, even though she hasn't contacted me for over a week?

After you've packed up her stuff I think it would be a good idea to contact her and ask her if she wants to pick her stuff and the cats up or if you should call an animal shelter and throw her other stuff away. If you still don't hear from there then, she might be in hospital or worse - but at least then you will know what your next step will be. I would also give her a time-limit to respond as you don't need to be put on hold like this too long. You could dump her stuff and find a good home for the cats if you don't want them.

You should not be used as a safety net and you did make a move toward mending, so I would take the next step and start the healing process.

As I said before, we will be here for you, no matter what happens. You need closure so that you can start moving on - and I'm crossing my fingers for you dear.


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We all know that life is not always fair, but we do have a right to find our happy space in it and not let anyone else control it.

When a girl she needs space.. she means... dont talk to her if she wants to talk shell get up with you don't put her on a pedestal have confidence in yourself and your relationship will prevail

So I texted her last night and told her I packed up her things and that if she wanted them she could come pick them up. She responded by saying thanks. I asked her how she was doing and she said good, and that she wants nothing to do with me. I was really surprised by this and asked her why. She said that we have had to many problems and that she did love me but she was done. She said she would send her dad over to get her things, and I said I didn't want to do it like that. I told her it would be awkward for me. She told me she didn't want to hurt me but that she didn't want to be with me. She also said that I pushed her away and that she's made up her mind and that she's going to be strong. We continued to go back and forth about how she was going to get her things. I finally cracked and told her that I love her and didn't want the relationship to end. She told me that this was the type of stuff that's pushing her away, because she said I was trying to force her into a relationship she didn't want to be in anymore. Well I went to sleep and the next morning texted and told her that I would take care of the animals because they have way more room here. We texted back and forth and I finally said that I couldn't believe how badly she wanted to end things. She said that its been falling apart and that are problems never went away. I continued to tell her why I love her and that I would do anything to be with her. She responded by telling me that we have different opinion's on things and that I'm to controlling. She also said that she can't put herself in the same situation, and that she can't believe that things will be different. I was so devastated by all of this. It really made me feel depressed and that I had lost the love of my life. I waited until she got off work around four o'clock and asked her how her day went. She didn't respond and I told her I don't deserve to be treated like this. I finally told her on the last text message I sent her that I am going to move on, and that I have to continue to work on myself. I feel really heartbroken and that I really screwed up. I have so much regret and I feel like I ruined a great relationship with a great girl. It sucks when you know you messed up but can't fix the situation. I know I don't have a choice but move on, but I'm really struggling right now. I have been really depressed and at sometimes during the day I feel like I don't even want to face the truth and life. I need some advice on where I should go from here. Thanks for all of the support, without everybody on this site I would be even worse right now.

I would have reacted the same way, but control the anger management. I was in the same boat as you were... my girlfriend (now ex) finally left me =/

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Originally Posted by e46

So I texted her last night and told her I packed up her things and that if she wanted them she could come pick them up. She responded by saying thanx. I asked her how she was doing and she said good, and that she wants nothing to do with me. I was really suprised by this and asked her why. She said that we have had to many problems and that she did love me but she was done. She said she would send her dad over to get her things, and I said I didnt want to do it like that. I told her it would be awkward for me. She told me she didnt want to hurt me but that she didnt want to be with me. She also said that I pushed her away and that she's made up her mind and that she's going to be strong. We continued to go back and forth about how she was going to get her things. I finally cracked and told her that I love her and didnt want the relationship to end. She told me that this was the type of stuff thats pushing her away, because she said I was trying to force her into a relationship she didnt want to be in anymore. Well I went to sleep and the next morning texted and told her that I would take care of the animals because they have way more room here. We texted back and forth and I finally said that I couldnt believe how badly she wanted to end things. She said that its been falling apart and that are problems never went away. I continued to tell her why I love her and that I would do anything to be with her. She responded by telling me that we have different opinion's on things and that im to controlling. She also said that she can't put herself in the same situation, and that she can't believe that things will be different. I was so devastated by all of this. It really made me feel depressed and that I had lost the love of my life. I waited until she got off work around four o'clock and asked her how her day went. She didnt respond and I told her I dont deserve to be treated like this. I finally told her on the last text message I sent her that I am going to move on, and that I have to continue to work on myself. I feel really heartbroken and that I really screwed up. I have so much regret and I feel like I ruined a great relationship with a great girl. It sucks when you know you messed up but can't fix the situation. I know I dont have a choice but move on, but im really struggling right now. I have been really depressed and at sometimes during the day I feel like I dont even want to face the truth and life. I need some advice on where I should go from here. Thanks for all of the support, without everybody on this site I would be even worse right now.

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Oh sh*t mate... I'm sorry for your troubles.

Same crap happened with me =/

DO NOT DO WHAT I DID..
My friend let me take his car so I drove WITH EXPIRED PERMIT & UNDER THE INFLUENCE
I stayed insomniac for 2-3 days straight
I lost focus & inability to concentrate; I ate like 2 meals/week

What helped me was listening to Gloria Gaynor: I will Survive 100+ times for 2 weeks.

The last thing you need is to contact her in any way.

Ok so her mom called me and told me that she wanted to come over to get my ex girlfriends things. I told her she could, and talked to her about the whole situation. Her mom said she was really upset and she was struggling with money and just overwhelmed. I gave her all of her stuff except one of our dogs, because I am very close to the dog and it was hard for me to give him back. Well her mom called me and told me that my ex was crying because she wanted her dog. I told her mom that my ex needed to call me so we could figure everything out. Well my ex girlfriend called me for the first time in 2 weeks. I told her I would give her the dog back in a couple days. We continued to talk for 40 minutes about our relationship. She was crying and telling me that its been really hard, but that she can't believe me that I have changed. She sounded really sad, and a couple times like she wanted to get back together, but held herself back. She told me she couldn't be in a relationship right now and that she needs to get herself back together first, and she doesn't know if she wants to get back together yet. After we got off the phone she texted me that she doesn't want to talk to me for awhile, because she needed to get through this and needed to find herself. I asked if after she regroups if she would want to start over and she said she doesn't know right now. I asked her what am I supposed to do. And if she really didn't want to be with me, or had no intention of being with me to just tell me. Her response was that she didn't know if she ever wanted to talk to me. I need advice on where I should go from here. She never gave me a clear answer on whether she wanted to get back together later on. What should I do in the mean time? Should I move on? Im really confused.

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Originally Posted by e46

Ok so her mom called me and told me that she wanted to come over to get my ex girlfriends things. I told her she could, and talked to her about the whole situation. Her mom said she was really upset and she was struggling with money and just overwhelmed. I gave her all of her stuff except one of our dogs, because I am very close to the dog and it was hard for me to give him back. Well her mom called me and told me that my ex was crying because she wanted her dog. I told her mom that my ex needed to call me so we could figure everything out. Well my ex girlfriend called me for the first time in 2 weeks. I told her I would give her the dog back in a couple days. We continued to talk for 40 minutes about our relationship. She was crying and telling me that its been really hard, but that she can't believe me that I have changed. She sounded really sad, and a couple times like she wanted to get back together, but held herself back. She told me she couldnt be in a relationship right now and that she needs to get herself back together first, and she doesnt know if she wants to get back together yet. After we got off the phone she texted me that she doesnt want to talk to me for awhile, because she needed to get through this and needed to find herself. I asked if after she regroups if she would want to start over and she said she doesnt know right now. I asked her what am I supposed to do. And if she really didnt want to be with me, or had no intention of being with me to just tell me. Her response was that she didnt know if she ever wanted to talk to me. I need advice on where I should go from here. She never gave me a clear answer on whether she wanted to get back together later on. What should I do in the mean time? Should I move on? Im really confused.

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Just let her be. It seems like she's the immature one cause her mom HAD to call you to pick up the things? That's stupid. As for the relationship, it's better to let her go; similarly, my ex is the same way.. treats me "like a friend" but does not be honest with me. She says we might get back.. I told her deadline is 6 months.

Why? Because I don't want to be dragged into her sh*thole.

Just relax.. You live in Temecula? drive to Solana Beach!

I live in Del Mar/UCSD area.

Because she is confused, and doesn't know what she wants, is no reason for you to be. Take the bull by the horns, and go with the one fact you do have, she has ended the relationship, and you need to accept that. We sometimes want to overlook those facts, because we can use the excuse she is confused now, but that's what it is an excuse, to have false hope instead of doing what we have to, and moving on to better things. Trust me, there are better things out there for you, after you have healed, and ready to go for them, and put this behind you where it belongs. Don't be stuck on stupid, her message was quite clear.

Thank you for the advice, I know I need to move on and not have false hope. I can admit I'm still in love with her, but I need to focus on myself and put her behind me. What do I do if I finally recover from all of this and get my life back together and she contacts me out of nowhere? I really feel like I messed up, I hate having so much regret.

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Originally Posted by e46

Thank you for the advice, I know I need to move on and not have false hope. I can admit im still in love with her, but I need to focus on myself and put her behind me. What do I do if I finally recover from all of this and get my life back together and she contacts me out of nowhere? I really feel like I messed up, I hate having so much regret.

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Go to Solana Beach or Del Mar?