I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't... much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


... Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

I feel your pain.

Here's my saga.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-161688.html

Same deal. 3.5 years. Break up with 1 semester left. I have updates all throughout the post... should keep you busy :)

Hang in there. It gets better. I promise.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I feel your pain.

Here's my saga.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-161688.html

same deal. 3.5 years. break up with 1 semester left. I have updates all throughout the post...should keep you busy :)

hang in there. it gets better. I promise.

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Thank you so much! You have no idea what a relief it is to see that someone has a very similar story. I felt like no one can relate and poof, here you are.
Do you think things would have gone more smoothly had you cut all ties right off the bat? No communication at all? I don't plan on contacting him at all in the real sense, but I think about talking to him constantly.

You did what you had to. I can't say that I've been through what you have, and the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. It must really hurt, but I guess it's better this way.
In a way, by already deciding that he was going to break up with you and go study aboard, he was being selfish, He wanted to be with you longer yet at the same time, ditch you when the time came. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you do him.
It took a lot of will power and strength to break it up with him, it really hurts considering how much you loved him, but I believe that there's someone out there that's better for you.
I hope you feel better soon and truly find someone that loves you. Take care in the mean time.

I did cut all ties... I had a hiccup once... but mostly, I cut all ties after a week.

I know you want to talk to him, and you probably dream of him, and sometimes even FEEL like he's next to you... but I swear... after 2 - 3 weeks, you'll feel SO much better.

There may be a time when he contacts you to "make things better" or "leave on a better note"... but I think what's done is done... only thing left to do is for you to "heal"

As far as the "you'll get over him in a week"... is complete bs.

I feel like I got over my ex relatively quickly (... but I have this tendency to get over people quick... ) as I took about 2 months or so... but there are people that go on for 3 - 4 months... sometimes 7 - 8... sometimes longer.

Just keep yourself busy with your friends during the day. Call those friends you haven't seen in a while to lunch... go out for dinner... movie... whatever.

Pick up a few hobbies like reading a book, writing a novel, listening to music, starting up a TV show... or start volunteering. Just get out there that'll get your mind off him.

As I was completely busy during the day, the nights killed me... so I would come here at night... and just vent/read on these forums, then I'd go for a 3 - 4 mile run... completely wipe myself out, then just pass out. The nights'll be rough... but we'll be here.

Under the relationship forum there are 2 stickies... read those.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lostissues

You did what you had to. I can't say that I've been through what you have, and the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. It must really hurt, but I guess it's better this way.
In a way, by already deciding that he was going to break up with you and go study aboard, he was being selfish, He wanted to be with you longer yet at the same time, ditch you when the time came. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you do him.
It took a lot of will power and strength to break it up with him, it really hurts considering how much you loved him, but I believe that there's someone out there that's better for you.
I hope you feel better soon and truly find someone that loves you. Take care in the mean time.

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Thank you. I can't believe you were able to so perfectly capture the essence of this breakup and why it is so hard and what is really underlying the issues. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am soooo glad I decided on a whim to come to this site and post my story. Two extremely helpful responses so far and I'm finding huge amounts of comfort in reading other people's stories.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I did cut all ties...I had a hiccup once...but mostly, I cut all ties after a week.
...
Under the relationship forum there are 2 stickies...read those.

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Thanks again for imparting your wisdom. The good news in this situation is that we didn't have many common friends or activities, so my life is the same day to day, minus him (which was, obviously, a huge chunk of time, thought, emotion and energy) but I know I have my friends. I've been making a major effort to be busy, to stay active, to keep up with activities and exercise and to reach out and call friends.

This weekend, I went out, but of course I was absolutely miserable. I'm still lonely doing all these things, and I feel guilty how selfish I'm being by talking about him and how I feel so much. I'm usually the type of person who keeps things to myself but I don't think that would be helpful.

I miss him terribly, but it's such a comfort that you say it gets better in 2-3 weeks. I mean, not a cure, of course, but it feels like we broke up forever ago (even though it was this week) and it's hard for me to assess how this will go.

I know exactly how you feel... at one point, I was literally counting as the hours went by, and after an hour (which seemed like an eternity... ) I literally celebrated a little... "yay...I lasted another hour..."

It really is better if you just keep yourself busy. I made that fatal mistake at first... I just kept thinking about her, looking at her old pictures, reading the e-mails she sent me... bah.

So glad that's over now. My life now... is MUCH MUCH better.

We were going to graduate, and if we had stayed together a year or two after graduation, I was going to ask her to marry me. We were going to live together after graduation... so with the money I saved up to buy a condo, I bought a motorcycle.

After the breakup, I've lost 20 lbs (20 lbs!! ), started working out religiously, eating right, volunteered a lot, read a few books, started to write a small article here and there which I might put together later on... who knows.

But the huge overall difference I've noticed was that I seem happier on average... I seem to have more fun... I just seem more confident and more energetic. My grades couldn't be better... and just overall, I'm doing better.

Quote:

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I don't plan on contacting him at all in the real sense, but I think about talking to him constantly.

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As others have brought out, this is completely natural after a break up, and your not alone there. Its just making that adjustment from being with someone so long that's hard, as we shared a lot of ourselves with those exes. Time and keeping busy, and as Sneeze has said reading the stickies for this forum will help. Just click on the links in my signature to access them, and let us know if they helped, or not. Sorry for your loss, and good luck.

I have a question about seeing the ex for the first time:

We are on a small campus and I will see him sooner or later... I think he went home this weekend because our paths have not crossed. It was a relief to realize that he probably did this, as I was running around campus on the outskirts trying to avoid him.

The good news is that I have run into his housemates and friends repeatedly, and as awkward as that is, they have all seen me out, having fun being social. Even though I'm miserable inside, I'm making an effort to have fun and be busy, so no report back that I'm alone in my room moping. I'm also making an effort to be dressed and well-groomed. So that's a plus.

BUT what to do the first time I see him? Do I say "Hi" or no? I feel like it would bring the hurt on in such a more terrible way if I saw him and he pretended he didn't see me, but I think he might. I'd rather just not see him at all... I keep running over this scenario in my head. Basically, what to do when we eventually cross paths?

I know where you're coming from as I did everything I could not to run into my ex after the breakup... sadly, as you said, you always end up running into each other.

I just said a simple hi... acknowledged the fact that I knew them... then I walked away. There's no need to sit around and chat about your lives... no need to be rude and ignore them. Just say hi. Then walk away. If he starts a conversation, then answer in short simple answers... then walk away.

The other thing that is bothering right now is how awful a weekend I had.
I'm doing the things being suggested: being social, active, busy, healthy. But I'm miserable while doing these things. I know it's only been 5 days so it's a question of misery alone moping destructively vs. misery plus some element of fun or distraction, but I was just so unhappy with the social scene this weekend and wanted to be cuddling and talking with my boyfriend. I know it'll get easier, but right now, I guess I'm confused. I'm not a party person and all my friends have significant others,. I just have to suffer through it and navigate the social scene and not think "Well, if I was with him..." I can't let that be an option in my mind anymore.

Well when I first ran into my ex (after she got a new guy and told me she wouldn't be taking me back), seeing as the ball of communication was in her court, she just walked RIGHT past me, and didn't say anything... but proceeded to call a friend of mine to tell her... saying that I wasn't ready to talk to her anyway.

If you want to talk to the ex... do so... if you don't though, it could be perceived weirdly. Depends really on the feelings involved.

Another question: Every time the doorbell rings, the phone rings, I get an e-mail, I secretly hope it's from him. And then I reassure myself that of course it's not him. Did this happen to you? For how long?

Yep. Every morning, I woke up and checked my phone + email in hopes that it's her.

Went on for a good month or so.

Same here... I still do... still expect her to show up at my door and say she made a mistake by not taking me back...

Friends had to take my cellphone away when we were out... so I could enjoy myself (been at it for 4 months now)

Update: Six days since the break-up; six days of NC. Still haven't run into him.

... Saw some pictures of him on Fbook from this weekend (I know. Bad. I shouldn't look, right?) and he looked kind of miserable. He was at a concert and looked kind of out of it. I know it's OK to see pictures of him when he looks bad, but I'm worried that one day I'll see a picture of him looking good and it'll drive me crazy. So no looking at pictures, right?

Still thinking about him, going over what happened in my head, trying to analyze it, hanging out with friends... missing him and then not missing him, missing him and then not missing him...

Everyone says I'm doing really well. I hope so. I know there's no rushing this healing but I hope I don't prolong it. It sucks.

I just keep reminding myself that I have my life and I have my self-respect. And I try to remember all the bad things that accompanied all those good memories.

Thanks again to everyone who has been helping me out on this forum: to those who post in response to my statements and questions and those who just post in general. I'm getting a lot of support and the feeling that I'm not going through this alone from you all.

I would try not to worry about all of the what ifs regarding running into him. No matter how you practice the scenario, you will not know what to do, say, etc. until you encounter the moment. I would be cordial, but I would not necessarily strike up a conversation if it feels awkward. Don't think that you HAVE to talk to him, but I wouldn't not say hi. Again, be cordial. Fake it until you make it, as that is what everyone has to do to get over something like this. I was once told that in order for something to become a habit, you need to repeat it 28 times. That is where fake it until you make it comes in. Each day that goes by, the easier it is. Each time that you see him, the easier it will be. You can't put a time limit on your grieving. You get over him when you are ready to get over him. Yes, definitely keep yourself busy. It will get better and this too shall pass.

Dear Everyone,

Again, thank you all for the support, reassurance and advice you've offered this week. It means so much to me.

The break-up was a week ago tonight so I thought I'd take some time to reflect. Don't feel guilty if you don't read it. It's long, I know. This writing is mainly for me and if you're interested, that's great. I bolded the big points of the day.

I feel like this week was about getting through the week (the best I can, yes, but more importantly just getting through it).

Since the break-up, I have experienced denial, grief, anger, fear, overwhelming loneliness and a lot of confusion.
At the same time, as bad as it's been, I have experienced an unbelievable feeling of support provided by friends and family. I checked my phone to assess how social I've been since the breakup, and I have placed 60 calls since Thursday night (on average 15 calls a day). While that may not be a lot for some of you, my “recent calls” list used to read “Evan Evan Evan Evan Evan…” and now I'm socializing with and talking to all the friends I'd been less invested in than I could be. Since last Tuesday, I've made every effort to reach out and stay busy. I've been aggressive about eating meals with people, talking to people, reconnecting. I find that I'm happier when in the presence of other people (but not when my roommates are with their significant others. They're all wonderful people but I feel like I've got open wounds right now and I know that my jealousy/loneliness will eventually fade away. Right now it's just bitterness) .

I never realized how much TIME I have. I am an extremely busy person, but now that Evan is out of my life, I've found so much more time for socialization and in addition, I've found myself alone a lot, doing things I always do: exercising, cooking and studying. It was extremely hard to do these things for the first four days but I made myself do them and I'm glad. No moping. Doing all these things, being social, going out, I am thinking about Evan a lot of the time. I'm not going to lie. It can be fun and therapeutic, it can take my mind off what's going on, but for a lot of the time, I've been there in body, not in mind. The weekend was extremely, extremely rough and I haven't had a good night's sleep. I also am just getting over a cold that I got after the break-up…

I still haven't seen him (AH), but I did see the two pictures of him from the weekend in which he looked miserable. And my roommate saw him on campus today. He basically saw her from a distance and veered off his path to avoid her without acknowledging her. Social skills were never Evan's forte so this isn't an utter surprise, but it strikes me as a contrast that I've run into Evan's housemates multiple times and we exchange smiles and “hi'”s and they always see me out with other people. But Evan is too scared to even look my housemate in the eye. This made me realize that he's probably afraid of what we're saying about him and made me wonder what he thinks I'm thinking. This also made me dread seeing him: He's going to pretend he doesn't see me and its going to hurt.

Things I could have done better this week:
-I should have looked at his Facebook/searched him online less
-I should have probably done more writing
-I should NOT have let myself listen to any songs that are "triggers" (but after 3.5 years, almost every song is a trigger)
-I should have slept better (but I tried)

Things I'm proud of/did well this week:
-I have not contacted him
-I got a great job interview
-I have made plans to get out of town this weekend and see my best friend from home in a city I love
-I have eaten healthy
-I have not missed a class
-I went to two friends' recitals
-I went to an art exhibition
-I took a photography walk
-I submitted some photos to an art show
-I got outside
-I cleaned my room, rearranged some things and dumped all reminders of him from my room
-I did my usual volunteer work and academic work
-I was social (I even studied in a group, which I'd normally never do)
-I did all my awesome extracurriculars (most of which involve comedy and laughing)
-I tried something new (a playwriting group_
-I have not abused alcohol or drugs (a half-glass of red wine with a Tylenol was my one “oops” moment in an effort to ease back pain…and mental pain)
-I applied for jobs

…Today, I ripped down a poster advertising a concert in which his band is playing at school. I know that it was lame lame lame to rip down the poster, but it wasn't out of anger; I just didn't want to see it when I crossed its path everyday. That experience DID make me excited for the anger phase of this breakup! I can't wait to be mad! Way more fun than being depressed!

I know that I can't rush this process so I'm trying to approach it as healthily as I can to not prolong it. Just do it and do it right so I don't have to live like this for longer than I have to.

This week, I hope to:
-join a yoga class
-stop myself when I think it's him when the phone calls/doorbell rings/e-mail box opens
-ace my job interview
-have fun over the weekend away from town
-keep up my exercise and eating well
-sleep better
-start reading NOVELS (whoa! How long has it been?)
-stop looking at his Facebook
-stop darting my head around whenever I'm on campus in the hope/fear that I'll see him
-stay social
-make some goals for myself
-do more job applications
-buy some nice running shoes or something that makes me feel good that isn't a huge investment but motivates me to be happy and healthy[/B]

Good for you!! You are doing a lot better than most people at this point.

You are making wonderful progress in such a short period, especially with the fact that you were dating him for that length of time. I don't want to scare you, but don't be surpirsed if you happen to take a few steps backwards every once in a while. This happens to EVERYONE. Just when you think that you are making progress, you might find yourself falling into old habits or thoughts. This is completely normal and should not frighten you. Acknowledge your feelings and why you might be feeling them and then continue to move forward. Writing down your thoughts when this happens is a wonderful way to get through this.

One thing that I did after my divorce was to write a letter to my ex in which I wrote down everything that I was feeling, everything that I was angry about, and my reactions, etc. to everything that he had done during our marriage and during the divorce process. I DID NOT send this letter to him, but instead burned it. While this letter was burning, I closed my eyes and felt and inner peace flow through me. It was very cathartic.

Isneezefunny - I think that it would be helpful if you could post the thread link so that others can gain access to it. I have already done this exercise, so I personally don't need it, but maybe someone else might. I tried accessing it by doing a search, but I came up with nothing.

Just a thought, as this simple (maybe not so simple for some people - depending upon the stage you are at) exercise is definitely worth trying. It was very helpful for me!!

I think I'll do the letter-writing when I'm feeling down (probably tonight or sooner. The waves are somewhat predictable right now). It sounds extremely cathartic.

Also,. wow... the tension I'm experiencing between enjoying flirting with other guys, feeling like I'm letting go of Evan and worrying that I'm going to jump into something despite my best intentions.

Since the break up, this one guy has been flirting with me and I'm not at all interested so it's made me feel uncomfortable and I'm trying to be clear with him.

Today, I was eating lunch with my friend and this guy sitting next to us chimed in, which started a long, funny conversation. I think I could detect that he was interested.

NOT THAT I'M JUMPING INTO ANYTHING. NOT THAT I NEED A MAN'S VALIDATION. Oh lord no, it's been eight days. But it felt good and it reminded me that there are other guys out there. Still focusing on me and not someone else. Not going to get mixed up with someone else right now. But it was nice.

I've been reading the past few posts on this thread and I know exactly what you're going through. For me it's been 2 and half weeks since he broke up w/ me (feels like yesterday) and 11 days of NC. Here's my story if interested:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-199307.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ll-200826.html

So far Ive been all over the place. Some days I feel so strong. I think up all these goals for my life and things I plan to do in the summer. Then I hit really low days where I just cry and remember times we had together and I just keep wishing for him to come back. I keep hoping that he feels so miserable now. I've deleted myspace altogether and I removed him as a friend on Facebook. His pages are still public but I'm being good about not going there. I did this for the same reason you pointed out... I don't want to see him happy or having a good time which is what I'll most likely see if I go there.

I feel the same way you guys do. Each time I get a missed call or a text I hope that maybe it's him. Each time I hear a car go down the street I look out the window, even though I know it's not him... yet I still look. Every time. Whenver I'm driving and see a car that looks like his I check to see if it's him. Twice this week I really thought I saw him and both times they were near my house.

I've been having dreams about him each night. Its always the same thing too. We're finally face-to-face again talking after the break up. Sometimes he's apologizing for his actions and other times he's just kind of rude to me. Or a lot of times we're about to talk but I always wake up before we do.

During the day I dream up stuff in my head - like he's w/ his new girl and he suddenly realizes how young and obnoxious she is and he thinks of me and feels horrible about what he did and he realizes that he wants me back. Or I have hopes that one day I'll wake up and see that he left me a voicemail during the night... telling me that he made a mistake. And I'll just keep ignoring him until one day he'll do something extravegent to somehow prove his love to me... like in those romantic comedies. Why are movies made that way? That never happens in real life.

Monday and Tuesday I felt horrible, but today I felt better. I've been thinking of him most of the morning at work, but I haven't been crying or feeling down. I know it's bad to dream and hope that these things could actually happen one day. I just need to try and focus on other things to distract myself. Maybe a walk or something.

This isn't going to be easy for us, but we'll get through it. Yesterday I actually had the urge to check out his myspace, but I came on here instead and urge left me.

Sweetie, I've been reading your post for a few days and have been impressed at your answers as well as others responses.

One thing I want to tell you - from having been virtually left at the altar by the man that I loved with my everything, my heart, soul, emotions, everything - the one thing I have seen here on your thread is your pure love. And your love, sweetheart, is a testament to YOU. It is a testament of your character, your heart, your drive, your sweetness. The fact that you are hurting and aching and dying inside shows me that you are going to make it. You are going to survive this because of your love, not in spite of it.

Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to deal with, yet it is one of the most telling things about the character of a person. When someone has loved to the degree that you have loved, you are blessed. You have shared the most intimate moments of your life with another person... you haven't kept them inside or hoarded them for yourself. You've given of yourself completely and have grown through that sharing.

For me, when my fiancée disappeared, it took me a long time. A long time to stop hurting... but you know, one day I realized that memories of he and I and what we shared were sweet, rather than the bitterness of the end. I found myself thinking about him... and smiling. And being thankful for the love that we had shared.

I've said it many times before here on this site, but our past doesn't define us, it simply makes us into who we are today. I know that I have the capacity to love without reservation or hesitation, I've taken the hurts and transformed them into pearls. (oh boy, I'm going to have to find that post on here... lol).

Maybe all this doesn't make any sense to you... maybe I'm simply rambling out of an emotional, Shakespearean heart. Maybe this won't help you at all... but for what its worth... you will be OK. You will make it. You will find that silver lining, your rainbow will shine bright once again.

Your future has unlimited and unfathomable shimmery potential... You have such potential, such an amazing realm of possibility before you. You're standing at the open portal of an unknown world, waiting to be discovered... Can't wait to hear what you make of it. :)

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

Sweetie, I've been reading your post for a few days and have been impressed at your answers as well as others responses.

One thing I want to tell you - from having been virtually left at the altar by the man that I loved with my everything, my heart, soul, emotions, everything - the one thing I have seen here on your thread is your pure love. And your love, sweetheart, is a testament to YOU. It is a testament of your character, your heart, your drive, your sweetness. The fact that you are hurting and aching and dying inside shows me that you are going to make it. You are going to survive this because of your love, not in spite of it.

Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to deal with, yet it is one of the most telling things about the character of a person. When someone has loved to the degree that you have loved, you are blessed. You have shared the most intimate moments of your life with another person... you haven't kept them inside or hoarded them for yourself. You've given of yourself completely and have grown through that sharing.

For me, when my fiancee disappeared, it took me a long time. A long time to stop hurting... but you know, one day I realized that memories of he and I and what we shared were sweet, rather than the bitterness of the end. I found myself thinking about him... and smiling. And being thankful for the love that we had shared.

I've said it many times before here on this site, but our past doesn't define us, it simply makes us into who we are today. I know that I have the capacity to love without reservation or hesitation, I've taken the hurts and transformed them into pearls. (oh boy, I"m going to have to find that post on here...lol).

Maybe all this doesn't make any sense to you... maybe I'm simply rambling out of an emotional, Shakespearean heart. Maybe this won't help you at all.... but for what its worth... you will be ok. You will make it. You will find that silver lining, your rainbow will shine bright once again.

Your future has unlimited and unfathomable shimmery potential.... You have such potential, such an amazing realm of possibility before you. You're standing at the open portal of an unknown world, waiting to be discovered... Can't wait to hear what you make of it. :)

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Wow. Thank you so much. This is absolutely beautiful.. . Coming onto this forum was the greatest decision I made after the break-up. You and the people posting speak to me in a way that my friends and family can't because they aren't able to relate. Thank you thank you thank you.

In response to Mom of 2, you are right about guys being able to sense a girl who's kind of broken after a relationship. I hadn't thought of that so I will definitely keep it in mind. Thanks.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jamimama

Wow. Thank you so much. This is absolutely beautiful. ...Coming onto this forum was the greatest decision I made after the break-up. You and the people posting speak to me in a way that my friends and family can't because they aren't able to relate. Thank you thank you thank you.

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Oh, you're welcome!

Here, my pearl metaphor... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-169263-5.html

Its post #42 on this thread...

I love wearing pearls because this is what it means to me... :)

Enjoy.

In regards to guys sensing "new meat" so to speak, I wanted to share something that I experienced. Hopefully you and others may be able to learn from this experience.

While I was going through my divorce and I was separated from my ex, I told myself that I did not want to be involved in any relationship until it was all over. The divorce process was going into into 7th month when this story begins. I went out with some girls who felt that I just needed new atmosphere and do something that different in order to get my mind off things. Well, it was great to let my hair down and go dancing. I have never been a drinker, so I continued to abstain, as I did not want to begin a new bad habit. After a while, a guy came up and started talking to me. At first, I was standoffish. However, he was saying so many things that I wanted to hear and I fell hook, line and sinker, even though I was at first VERY defensive and did not want to talk to him. He was asking questions about ME. He wanted to know about ME. He wanted to know what MY dreams were. At the end of that first night, he warned me against men taking advantage of me since I probably did not have sex for at least 7 months if not more. I thought he said this to be protective - I mean, he did not make any moves in any way, and I thought that this was because he cared!! We continued to see each other for a period of 2 weeks, but it was always on his terms. He was the one who contacted me. He would not give me his phone number, stating that this was his work phone and he could not receive calls on it, etc. Whenever he called me, it always came up as With held, which I did not question at the time, but I should have. The important thing is that he was finding out a lot about me and I did not find out anything about him. He knew where I worked and even met me there a couple of times. He did not disclose anything about himself besides generalities that made me believe that he was talking about himself, but it really was not. He promised that we would do SOOO many things together.

To make a VERY long story short, one evening, he said that he could not take it anymore, that he had so many feelings for me and that he wanted me sooo much. Hook, line and sinker. I had abstained from doing anything with him for 2 weeks that I thought he was the real deal and that he was not looking for sex. I was thinking, "hey, he has spent time and money on me. He's got to mean what he says". Well, I ended up having sex with him only to find out that was the last time that I would ever hear from him or see him.

So, be cautious. There are a lot of good guys out there, but there are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since my divorce 1 1/2 years ago, I have met a man who has been very good to me. This is still a new relationship and I still have a lot to learn about him, but from what I know now, I think he is a keeper. Who knows, it has only been 4 months. Things can change in the future, but I hope not.

What I am trying to say is that you will find guys that are good and guys that are bad. Take your time and be cautious.

Yeah, I know guys, there are also a lot of devious minded women out there too. It is not always just the men that are bad. Women can be bad too.

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Originally Posted by Mom of 2

In regards to guys sensing "new meat" so to speak, I wanted to share something that I experienced. Hopefully you and others may be able to learn from this experience.

While I was going through my divorce and I was separated from my ex, I told myself that I did not want to be involved in any relationship until it was all over. The divorce process was going into into 7th month when this story begins. I went out with some girls who felt that I just needed new atmosphere and do something that different in order to get my mind off of things. Well, it was great to let my hair down and go dancing. I have never been a drinker, so I continued to abstain, as I did not want to begin a new bad habit. After a while, a guy came up and started talking to me. At first, I was standoffish. However, he was saying so many things that I wanted to hear and I fell hook, line and sinker, even though I was at first VERY defensive and did not want to talk to him. He was asking questions about ME. He wanted to know about ME. He wanted to know what MY dreams were. At the end of that first night, he warned me against men taking advantage of me since I probably did not have sex for at least 7 months if not more. I thought he said this to be protective - I mean, he did not make any moves in any way, and I thought that this was because he cared!!! We continued to see eachother for a period of 2 weeks, but it was always on his terms. He was the one who contacted me. He would not give me his phone number, stating that this was his work phone and he could not receive calls on it, etc. Whenever he called me, it always came up as With held, which I did not question at the time, but I should have. The important thing is that he was finding out a lot about me and I did not find out anything about him. He knew where I worked and even met me there a couple of times. He did not disclose anything about himself besides generalities that made me believe that he was talking about himself, but it really was not. He promised that we would do SOOO many things together.

To make a VERY long story short, one evening, he said that he could not take it anymore, that he had so many feelings for me and that he wanted me sooo much. Hook, line and sinker. I had abstained from doing anything with him for 2 weeks that I thought he was the real deal and that he was not looking for sex. I was thinking, "hey, he has spent time and money on me. He's got to mean what he says". Well, I ended up having sex with him only to find out that was the last time that I would ever hear from him or see him.

So, be cautious. There are a lot of good guys out there, but there are a lot of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Since my divorce 1 1/2 years ago, I have met a man who has been very good to me. This is still a new relationship and I still have a lot to learn about him, but from what I know now, I think he is a keeper. Who knows, it has only been 4 months. Things can change in the future, but I hope not.

What I am trying to say is that you will find guys that are good and guys that are bad. Take your time and be cautious.

Yeah, I know guys, there are also a lot of devious minded women out there too. It is not always just the men that are bad. Women can be bad too.

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Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that that happened and that you had to deal with that when you were going through a divorce. I hope that people learn from it. It seems like that guy had his planned all figured out. Very scary.

It's not that I'm looking to date right now, but in terms of navigating the social scene, Evan was an extremely nice guy and I trusted him completely. He was the only guy I've been with, so I know that I may not be as good at detecting the signs as other girls are and I have to keep my guard up.

I don't want to scare you in anyway, just be cautious and know that there are some people out there with ulterior motives. Not everyone is like that though.

I have met a lot of great people who I would not have otherwise encountered had I still been married. 90% of the people have turned out to be awesome and I am so glad that they are in my life. Have fun, as you are still so young and you have a lot of living to do. Knowing that you had a chance to love is a great thing. Don't think that you will not have that ability again. Yes, be cautious, but don't let this experience harden your heart. I sense that you have a fantastic and loving soul.

I hope everything works out well with you. I know it will because from what I read of your posts, you have a good head on your shoulders. You are finding out what it is that you want and what you will not tolerate. Life is a learning experience.

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Originally Posted by jamimama

I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

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There isn't much I can add to this because it sounds like you have the best advice around, and you are in good hands. I just wanted to comment. I've read the entire thing all the way through, and it sounds like you are a very intelligent, loving, caring person, with a very kind heart. Evan doesn't know what he's missed out on, in my opinion! ;)

Take it slow and easy girl. You'll know when the right time is to put yourself out there again. You're going through the motions exactly the way you should and need to.

I wish you the best of luck, love, and happiness in the world darlin! :)

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

There isn't much I can add to this because it sounds like you have the best advice around, and you are in good hands. I just wanted to comment. I've read the entire thing all the way through, and it sounds like you are a very intelligent, loving, caring person, with a very kind heart. Evan doesn't know what he's missed out on, in my opinion! ;)

Take it slow and easy girl. You'll know when the right time is to put yourself out there again. You're going through the motions exactly the way you should and need to.

I wish you the best of luck, love, and happiness in the world darlin! :)

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Thanks so so so so much for your kind words and for reading my sometimes rambling, oftentimes self-centered thoughts. People have been giving me great advice but it's always nice to get some more when everyone seems to be helping you do the right thing. The more consensus, the better. :) To go on this site and get support and assurance that I did the right thing and that now, despite my feelings of sadness, I am actually doing OK given the circumstances... it's amazing.

UPDATE: I SAW EVAN. Technically...

OK so I'm coming out of a campus building, I'm two steps out, and I see him walking maybe 100 feet away crossing the street, not coming toward the building, minding his own business. And what did I do? I RAN BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING. And then when I was sure he couldn't see me, I took another step out and watched him walk home for a second. Now I'm laughing at myself because I kept wondering "What will I do when I see him?" and, it turns out, even if I barely see him, my instinct is to run and hide... and then stare at him.

Oh lord. Well,. what are you going to do.

I also think he may have shaved off his (less than attractive) beard, which makes me upset because it's like one of those liberation moves along the lines of cutting the hair, losing weight, etc. that you do when you have your heart broken. He does not deserve the ability to pull a liberation move because he's the one who broke MY heart. When we were together, I always (gently) told him that I liked him shaven and he wouldn't do it because he loved his beard. So hmph. But, of course, I was also 100 feet away from him when I saw him so who knows if I can trust my eyesight. Beard may still be there and I have bad vision and a fallible memory.

Break ups can be so hard but sometimes you just have to laugh. They're also extremely stupid. And they really bring the crazy out of people.

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Originally Posted by jamimama

UPDATE: I SAW EVAN. Technically...

OK so I'm coming out of a campus building, I'm two steps out, and I see him walking maybe 100 feet away crossing the street, not coming toward the building, minding his own business. And what did I do? I RAN BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING. And then when I was sure he couldn't see me, I took another step out and watched him walk home for a second. Now I'm laughing at myself because I kept wondering "What will I do when I see him?" and, it turns out, even if I barely see him, my instinct is to run and hide...and then stare at him.

Oh lord. Well, ... what are you going to do.

I also think he may have shaved off his (less than attractive) beard, which makes me upset because it's like one of those liberation moves along the lines of cutting the hair, losing weight, etc. that you do when you have your heart broken. He does not deserve the ability to pull a liberation move because he's the one who broke MY heart. When we were together, I always (gently) told him that I liked him shaven and he wouldn't do it because he loved his beard. So hmph. But, of course, I was also 100 feet away from him when I saw him so who knows if I can trust my eyesight. Beard may still be there and I have bad vision and a fallible memory.

Break ups can be so hard but sometimes you just have to laugh. They're also extremely stupid. And they really bring the crazy out of people.

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I think what you did was perfectly normal. You haven't seen him since the break-up, after all.

Yeah, it sucks when the one that did the 'breaking up' pulls the liberation move. You should do the same, and it will be just be another step in getting through this. Go get yourself a new haircut, go on a shopping spree and buy something crazy,. just do something that is just for you!

Good Luck to you! :)

Starbuck's right. Perfectly normal.

The week after my ex and I broke up, I ended up taking longer ways to class to avoid her... and I'm talking about ducking and weaving. I might as well have worn ninja-wear and have done tuck and rolls around campus. In the end, I realized that my ex and I don't ever cross paths... except when I go to the local gym, as she works there.

As far as the liberation thing... I'm not so sure if my ex has done her "liberation" movement, but I guess getting a new boyfriend within 2 weeks counts... right?

As far as my liberation thing, I lost about 18 lbs (still losing), started hitting the gym, spent about a grand on new clothes, and with the money I had saved up for a condo (for the ex and me when we graduate... ), I bought a gsx-r.. . yep. That's mine.

Go get your liberation on.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

starbuck's right. perfectly normal.

The week after my ex and I broke up, I ended up taking longer ways to class to avoid her...and I'm talking about ducking and weaving. I might as well have worn ninja-wear and have done tuck and rolls around campus. In the end, I realized that my ex and I don't ever cross paths...except when I go to the local gym, as she works there.

As far as the liberation thing...I'm not so sure if my ex has done her "liberation" movement, but I guess getting a new boyfriend within 2 weeks counts...right?

As far as my liberation thing, I lost about 18 lbs (still losing), started hitting the gym, spent about a grand on new clothes, and with the money I had saved up for a condo (for the ex and me when we graduate...), I bought a gsx-r. ...yep. that's mine.

go get your liberation on.

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Hehehe, Campus Ninja's. :D Congrats on losing the weight by the way!

I have yet to run into my ex. It's been almost 3 weeks since the break up and I haven't seen him since that week. I know that I would do the same thing though: duck and weave. I guess if it's obvious that we see each other maybe I'll wave or just sort of smile and nod in acknowledgement. I would only talk if he makes the first move. He would most likely ignore me though if he ever saw me.
Im glad we don't work together or go to school together. We don't even live that close so the chances of bumping into each other are slim. The thought of seeing him just terrifies me.

All right. Right now I'm feeling like the most absolute s--t. ugh, crying and then staring and then crying... break ups rule! I don't know why more people don't do them.

I feel awwwwwwwwful.

Awww, I know that feeling. It's not fun at all! Unfortunately there's no way around it. I know that doesn't help you much, but try and put on some upbeat music that doesn't remind you of him... if you can find any.

Keep on writing away if you want. B*#ch away, cry, scream, whatever you have do to. There is always someone around to listen. :)

Know that when the time is right, this too shall pass. You can not rush through it. Like I said, you will often go two steps forward and one step back. Just when you feel that you are making progress, something will throw you for a loop and you may feel that you are back where you started. This is COMPLETELY normal and should not frustrate you. The fact that you are going through these shifting feelings means that you are normal and that you are human AND that you are HEALING. Know that you are NOT alone. Again, acknowledge your pain, mourn your loss, as ignoring it will only delay the inevitable feelings that will show up eventually. You can't avoid it forever. Feeling pain means that you are still alive.

Although I agree that his shaving off his gotee COULD be a liberation move, you have to realize that focusing on why he does things is wasted energy. It is normal to wonder, as you had cared for him for so long. However, you need to refocus that energy on yourself. Trying to guess what he is doing, going to do and why he chooses to do things are wasted energy. You only have control over what YOU do. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference." This line from the Serenity Prayer has been my mantra for a long time and has saved me more than once.

You are a strong, intelligent and caring person. You will get through this. Vent here, that is what we are here for. To help you in any way that we can. Make whatever moves that you can in order to liberate yourself as well. This is a time of change, a time to heal. Be good to yourself. I know you can do it.