I dated this girl for 2 and a half years and we loved each other very, very much. She broke up with me a month and half ago because she got tired of me verbally abusing her. After we broke up I finally realized my wrong doings and tried about 3 times in the following weeks to get back with her. It didn't work. I just found out a week ago that she has a new boyfriend... already!! And they go to separate colleges, she really likes him and she told me that there is no chance of us getting back together. I have not given her space and I keep pestering her... which I just stopped. I still love this girl more than anything! Is she truly over me or does she feel lonely and he is nothing but a rebound boyfriend? Is there still hope?

She is doing either one out of two things. She could have got a new b/f to make u jelous OR she truly likes this guy and has moved on. I'm sure u can tell by the way she reacts when u keep "pertering" her!

If you verbally abused her, she eventually got fed up and probably lost feelings for you towards the end without you realizing it. IF she really likes the guy then she REALLY has moved on, he might even be treating her better than you.

I dated this girl for 2 and half years and I verbally abused her, without fully realizing it. She broke up with me a month and a half ago. I have tried at least three times since then to get back together with her and I have honestly not given her space. I just found out a week and half ago she has a new boyfriend... already!! (They go to separate colleges) I know deep down she still has feelings for me. She told me recently that she is happy and she really likes this guy and that he treats her right, but it has only been a week or two. She has given me a chance to prove myself, to show I can change... but she said that doesn't mean we are getting back together. For now we are not speaking. So, is this a rebound boyfriend to fill the void in her heart and make her feel better or is she really over me??

Yes she got sick of it, but I still think that this new guy is just there to fill the hole in her heart. I know for a fact that she still has feelings for me... she has actually giving me a chance to prove myself to her... all I have to do is leave her alone for now and show her in time. What I am worried about is that they will still be dating when me and her start talking again.

Done wait. Move on. You can still love her but when she sees you happy and doing things wit out her it eat her up inside. And she will think twice about doiing this to you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

yes she got sick of it, but i still think that this new guy is just there to fill the hole in her heart. I know for a fact that she still has feelings for me..........she has actually givin me a chance to prove myself to her.....all i have to do is leave her alone for now and show her in time. What i am worried about is that they will still be dating when me and her start talking again.

---

YEA I don't know about that one.. I think if she's dated already and knows what else is out there that could be better. Why wait around? Yeas you love her but I definatley believe in learing the lessons of the bad relationships and moving on to something that you cherish more without the built up resentments. That way you know better on what to do the next time. BUT it's your time that you're putting in, so do what you will. Knowing is different than feeling what is right.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by manga

YEA I don't know about that one.. I think if she's dated already and knows what else is out there that could be better. Why wait around? yeas you love her but I definatley believe in learing the lessons of the bad relationships and moving on to something that you cherish more without the built up resentments. That way you know better on what to do the next time. BUT it's your time that you're putting in, so do what you will. Knowing is different than feeling what is right.

---

I think you are right... but I honestly feel this in my heart... I know when she sees me for the guy she originally fell in love with, she will see things different. And how much time is enough time... to give her??

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

I think you are right....but I honestly feel this in my heart.......I know when she sees me for the guy she originally fell in love with, she will see things different. And how much time is enough time...to give her????

---

Sometimes... though she might've convinced herself that you won't change and maybe it's only temporary that she wants to see whatis out there. I say that with time if she truly loves you she wouldn't be dating anyone and sitting around to think for herself if she decides to come back not dating another guy.. don't get your hopes up where you end up hurting yourself when she decides she's not coming back. You'll be OK, why go back when moving forward will be refreshing.

Let's hope so, because if this guy can offer what you can't she can forget about you but you should surprise her with something nice like sending her flowers and she might be thinking about you if this guy doesn't turn out to be superb.

I would be skeptical too if I was her. For 2 1/2 years you verbally abused her and now after 2 months you are no longer a abuser? I don't think that's enough time for anyone to get better unless you have spent the last 2 months in intense therapy - going everyday for at least an hour or longer - then I doubt you are really over your abusive ways. What she sees is that now that she is gone and is happy with someone else you now find a way to act like a decent person.

What it sounds like to me is that she is trying to move on with her life and you want to muscle back in. Have you thought about the psychological damage that you have inflicted upon her for all this time? Have you thought about how long its going to take her to build herself back up? Are you even aware of the fact that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

I would be skeptical too if I was her. For 2 1/2 years you verbally abused her and now after 2 months you are no longer a abuser? I don't think thats enough time for anyone to get better unless you have spent the last 2 months in intense therapy - going everyday for at least an hour or longer - then I doubt you are really over your abusive ways. What she sees is that now that she is gone and is happy with someone else you now find a way to act like a decent person.

What it sounds like to me is that she is trying to move on with her life and you want to muscle back in. Have you thought about the psychological damage that you have inflicted upon her for all this time? Have you thought about how long its going to take her to build herself back up? Are you even aware of the fact that verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse?

---

No I was not aware of how bad I hurt her until the end. I talked to her the other day and she said to delete her number from my phone, forget about her, she doesn't care that she lost me forever... she was angry when she said this... I think if I give her a month then we can start talking again. Is that enough time?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by manga

sometimes... though she might've convinced herself that you won't change and maybe it's only temporary that she wants to see whatis out there. I say that with time if she truly loves you she wouldn't be dating anyone and sitting around to think for herself if she decides to come back not dating another guy.. don't get your hopes up where you end up hurting yourself when she decides she's not coming back. you'll be ok, why go back when moving forward will be refreshing.

---

Yes I agree with u, but I don't know... I just have see what happens.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

No i was not aware of how bad i hurt her until the end. I talked to her the other day and she said to delete her number from my phone, forget about her, she doesnt care that she lost me forever..............she was angry when she said this......i think if i give her a month then we can start talking again. Is that enough time?

---

My friend you need to seek help. You blew it with this girl (its a wonder she stayed with you for 2.5 years). Now you refuse to accept it and are bordering on stalking her. If I were her and you tried to contact her in a month or whenever, I would call the police and have a restraining order placed on you.

You have an unhealthy obsession and you need counseling to deal with it. Please seek help and leave this poor girl alone. You have done enough to her.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

No i was not aware of how bad i hurt her until the end. I talked to her the other day and she said to delete her number from my phone, forget about her, she doesnt care that she lost me forever..............she was angry when she said this......i think if i give her a month then we can start talking again. Is that enough time?

---

NO. She said to leave her alone why aren't you respecting her wishes? You seem to think she is playing a game she is trying to get away from her abuser! If you keep contacting her she is probably going to get a restraining order out against you. You have without a doubt not changed by forcing yourself back into her life all you are doing is showing her that hey I'm still a jerk who doesn't care what you want or what you are feeling. This is not something she is going to "get over". Dude you ABUSED HER. Do you not get that? You are an ABUSER.

Here is some information on the effects of being verbally abused:

Emotional Abuse - an article by psychotherapist Kali Munro
Assessment Guide

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

No i was not aware of how bad i hurt her until the end.

---

I believe you still do not understand how badly you hurt her. The psychological damage caused by verbal abuse has been found to be worse then physical abuse by psychologists. Think about that for a minute. You did more damage to her then someone who beats up his girlfriend. You are an abuser.

Hmmm... yea you guys are right... I mean I still love her a lot and last thing I want is a restraining order from her. So you guys think I shouldn't talk to her what-so-ever anymore. If I really want her back... what I am going to have to do?

Do not contact her again ever. She has asked you to delete her number and never call her again so do that.

I'm going to guess and say that any other relationship you get into the same problems will come out unless you seek some sort of counseling to stop being abusive to women. My guess is that you saw your mother or other women around you getting spoken to like they are lower then an animal growing up and you think that women deserve to be treated like garbage. So you need someone to help you work through your past and act like a respectable human being to women.

I told you what you should do, SEEK COUNSELING. But I will hold out some hope for you. In a year or so, after some good counseling, if the counselor feels you have a better understanding of why you abuse women and why you are so obsessed with this girl, then you MIGHT (if the counselor approves) attempt to contact her. But you NEED to do it through a third party first. Maybe you have a mutual friend. Have that friend find out if she is currently in a committed relationship. If she is not (and only then) have the friend approach her and talk to her about how much therapy you have gone through and how changed you are and give her the option of meeting with you. If she refuses, then forget her.

Whether you want to believe it or not, you learned a very hard lesson and should accept it and go on with your life.

The only thing you can do now is look forward, and hope that you don't revert back to your abusive stage when meeting someone new.

If you really are serious about wanting to change, then convince yourself that you wronged someone and you should not hurt her any more. Do some retrospective research and find the reason for your abusive ways, that way you can work on them to be certain that this will not happen again. If you don't feel like seeking out a therapist yet, then you could try taking an Anit-aggression Course in your community or find a group that deals with Verbal Abuse issues straight on. You took the first step by telling us that you did verbally abuse someone, without knowing it. That's the way all abusers start and progress. Admitting this and working on it is the right thing to do. Consider yourself luckier than some because she did not take legal steps against you - so keep it that way and leave her alone.

Get to the place where you start feeling good about yourself and then start over with someone new.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_22_14.gif

Quote:

---

Hmmm... yea you guys are right... I mean I still love her a lot... I really want her back...

---

At this stage, you loved and miss the power you had over her... that's not loving her.

Right now you probably do want her back because you miss having someone to abuse.

Once you worked on your abusive nature and realize there is more to life than putting someone down, you'll not miss her at all. You'll be so ashamed of yourself that you'll probable not need to see her anymore, except to apologize.. but that's a long, long way down the road to your recovery.

Well I actually have been consistently seeing a therapist... once a week... I actually am a little worried that she might take legal actions. But other than the only thing I can do is go about my life like she doesn't exist... it is so hard and I Know I am not alone. Some part of me does truly love her and I want her to happy and I know by leaving her alone, that will come true. Underneath it all I still think in the back of my head that me and her have a chance... not anytime soon... but maybe in the future. I can't help but think that.

You need to stop thinking about her and move on. She obviously does not want you in her life. What does your therapist say about all of this?

Keep it in the back of your mind if you must, but way, way back.

Continue working on your recovery, as this is what it is, just like with an alcoholic - recovery. It will probably get worse before it gets better, but if you pull it through and feel good about yourself who knows what will happen 6 months or a year from now.

Just be prepared and accept that your life will be going through changes and so will her's.

Again, hang in there and good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_14.gif

I have told my therapist about her giving me another chance... and my therapist said I have to really focus on myself and not her what-so-ever. When I am ready then me and her should start talking again, but until then nothing... it is going to be a tough one!! I thought the only reason she didn't want me in her life is because I kept bothering her too much and if I gave her space then she MIGHT come around.

Well you should listen to your therapist. Right now your concern should be getting better so that you are a better person not so your ex will come back. Chances are by the time you are better she will be deep into her relationship or with someone else seriously and will not want anything to do with you. So you need to get better for you not for her.

It sounds like she's trying to move on. I'd do the same. I really don't see a reconciliation in the cards here. Remember, it didn't work out for a reason. You admit you verbally abused her. It's good that you can admit your shortcomings but she's not likely to be willing to take another chance with you only to get verbally abused by you all over again. Maybe you've really changed and that's great. If so, then let someone else be the beneficiary of the "new and improved" you.

Yes, I completely realize that 100%, its for me not her. I feel so bad for what I did to her that I feel like I need to make it all up to her and start over. I know that sounds so ridiculous. I no for a fact that she won't be deep into her relationship. They see each other once a week at the most... and just w/e, even when I do show her that I can be a good person and she says that she doesn't want me back, then that is OK because I Know in the end that I am a better person. I Know Deep Down That I Have To Try, she just needs space as of right now.

Why don't you make it up to her by getting better and treating the next girl amazing?

She is moving on and probably working out her issues from your relationship. It will not be beneficial to open this stuff back up. Once you are completely better maybe write her a letter apologizing for the things you have done and leave it at that.

IDK we will see happens.. I am honestly scared to move on... she was perfect in my image and I don't know if I can find another girl like her... you know the saying "If you set a butterfly free and it returns, it was always yours in the first place." My instincts tell me nothing will change, but my heart says other wise. Idk which one to listen to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

yes, i completely realize that 100%, its for me not her. I feel so bad for what i did to her that i feel like i need to make it all up to her and start over. i know that sounds so ridiculous. I no for a fact that she wont be deep into her relationship. they see eachother once a week at the most..........and just w/e, even when i do show her that i can be a good person and she says that she doesnt want me back, then that is ok because i Know in the end that i am a better person. I Know Deep Down That I Have To Try, she just needs space as of right now.

---

STOP IT! If you keep this first and foremost on your mind you jeopardize your therapy and it will not serve the purpose for which it is meant.

Start seriously working with your therapist and stop focusing on anyone but YOURSELF!

You don't realize it yet, but this is your life, your survival and happiness that you are playing with. Wake up!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

True... so I just forget about her and never try with her again and just let time tell and let her go forever.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

IDK we will see happens..i am honestly scared to move on....she was perfect in my image and idk if i can find another girl like her.........you know the saying "If you set a butterfly free and it returns, it was always yours in the first place." My instincts tell me nothing will change, but my heart says other wise. Idk which one to listen to.

---

A girl like her.. when she was still with you and putting up with your abuse, or
When she stopped putting up with your abuse and stood up to you??

Get real. Right now is not the time to even think of looking for another partner. You don't know how you will feel about anyone, or how you are going to treat someone months down the road. You need to be able to accept and live with yourself before distracting yourself with another.

Talking about your instincts.. right now you are going through Withdrawal. Just like a junkie without his smack and an alcoholic with the booze, you want and need your FIX. Get used to it as it is part of the recovery. During this time it's not a good idea to connect with another potential victim.


Butterflies lay their eggs and die. A very short lifespan.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_33_12.gif

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

True....so i just forget about her and never try with her again and just let time tell and let her go forever.

---

You need to want to mean this, seriously. Forget about the 'let time tell', End of Story.


My ex-husband verbally and physically abused me. It's been over 30 years and I still cannot forget what he did. Something died and it will never come back. So, let's just live with it and go on.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Chery that is very very interesting... so why do I think she connected with a guy so quick?

My Ex was in the Army and we were stationed in Germany. After a few too many beatings, I went to the Commander and received a designated bodyguard from within the squad.
When I gained some confidence back, I went out socially and gained some of my self-respect and worth. Without their help, I probably would have been dead and my daughter living with her grandmother within a month. It took me more than five years to recover.

Your ex is right by not wanting to be alone, needing some protection, and affection for her healing process.
Anyway, why should it matter to you what she is doing and with whom? What verbal abuse does is kill a part of someone that will never return.
It does make it hard for the next person in her life to fully gain her trust and make her feel totally secure - so you certainly did leave a mark that nobody can take away. Are you proud of that?

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifOh, yeah, you did leave a mark and she'll never forget you...

When a girl gets abused she walks away and never come back but if you show her how nice you are be romantic to her and all that stuff she might come back, take her out of dinner as a friend or something and be sweet and maybe then she will change her mind , try to get up to her don't sit there and wait

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by think_pink

When a girl gets abused she walks away and never come back but if you show her how nice you are be romantic to her and all that stuff she might come back, take her out of dinner as a friend or something and be sweet and maybe then she will change her mind , try to get up to her dont sit there and wait

---

No amount of romance can mend some abusive actions. The girlfriend has threatened with the law and is probably frightened to no end. She does not want to see him ever again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chery

No amount of romance can mend some abusive actions. The girlfriend has threatened with the law and is probably frightened to no end. She does not want to see him ever again.

---

And who told you that? She did?
Besides she doesn't want to see him again then he can forget about her and move on

I did read lol I just skipped over yours lmaoo and beside she doessnt want to see him, he better forget about her

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by think_pink

and who told ya that? she did?
besides she doesnt want to see him again then he can forget about her and move on

---

If you would have read the whole thread from the beginning, you would have noticed that he stated she had told him that she did not want to see him again.

AND.. we have been suggesting he forget about her and move on. Which again, you would have noticed if you'd read the entire thread.

But maybe now that you are here, he'll listen to you and you can take it from here.

By the way, I actually DISAGREED with your last post, just forgot to change it from agree. I won't make this mistake again.

I know you disagreed its obvious lol my bad I had a headache and didn't feel like reading through all the responses I just read what he said and that was it

OK u guys don't need to argue... lol... but yea my gut says move on and don't look back... it is going to be sooooooo hard!! In order for me to become a man I have to do it. Just so I understand... I should never call, text, email, etc. her ever again.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Hottrodder246

ok u guys dont need to argue...lol......but yea my gut says move on and dont look back....it is going to be sooooooo hard!!!!! In order for me to become a man i have to do it. Just so i understand......i should never call, text, email, etc. her ever again.

---

You've got it dear. In My Opinion, it's the best for both of you.

There has just been too much that happened and would put such weight on the new attempt that I don't think it would work.

She'd probably have 'flashbacks' and you'd have feelings of guilt. Those are not a basis to build anything on.

Look forward to a healthier you and a new chance for happiness.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_33_13.gif