We've been dating for 2 years and everything has been going great... we really had no arguments, we've constantly said that we were the best thing that ever happened to each other. I have 3 children, 9 year old girl, 7 year old girl and 6 year old boy. I have joint shared custody and they live with me every other week. The children love my girlfriend. They are, however, very clingy to me and recently as our commitment to each other was growing my girlfriend mentioned that she was afraid that she could not handle being a step-parent, saying she is not a kid person. She has two children herself from 2 previous, marriages: a 19 year old daughter, who recently announced she was pregnant and just got married and moved out of the house and a son 11 who has very little, if any, contact with his father. So she has had a lot of stress on her lately and I understand that and I want to be there for her and help her through these difficult times.
We were having the best of times just at the beginning of July - mid July when we started looking at houses together and dreaming of our future together. (My kids were with their mother during this period). Then my kids came back for their time with me and we went to dinner together with my girlfriend and son and after that I noticed a change with my girlfriend. Her daughters wedding was the coming weekend so she had that on her mind. The day after the wedding I asked her what was bothering her and she mentioned that she didn't think that she could go on in the relationship because she was just annoyed/worried about my kids... they just bother her for some reason, she is a self-proclaimed, not a kid person. We do have slightly different parenting and discipline rituals but that is something that can be planned for and adjusted when we would be living together. Relationships take work and the blended family would take work as well. Anyway, I'm terribly heartbroken and she is still confused but the relationship is over. She ended it just prior to 3 fun events that we had planned, concert, ball game and beach vacation and while my kids would be with their mother, a time when everything would've been great in her world... Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does. How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PAMD

Why would she end the relationship without trying the blended family approach and work things out or even stay status quo if she loves me so much which she does.

---

All the love in the world cannot turn her into a kid person. She probably saw the future and really thought about it and realized she was going to do not only you but your kids a disservice by sticking around.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PAMD

How can the best thing that ever happened to two people not happen?

---

Not to be cruel but it clearly wasn't the best thing for her.

Would you rather she stayed with you, bought the house and was miserable every other week when the kids were around? She could have also stood up earlier on in the relationship and said I'm not a kid person when she realized you were a package deal. Personally, I'm not a kid person either and I would never date a guy who already has kids. I'm not sure why she thought she could work through it. I think that maybe you should focus all of your love and attention onto your kids and heal. I'm sure there is a wonderful lady out there that will love you and kids equally.

I would definitely say that the situation with her oldest daughter has a lot to do with it. You keep saying she is "not a kid person" well unfortunately any mother has forfeited the right to say that... she has 2 kids, how can she not be a kid person? I think maybe the stress of realizing she is going to be a grandmother is getting to her as well. This is a very stressful time in her life, and she is going through a lot of new adjustments. How long have you been together? I would see if she would be willing to go out to dinner and talk about it... all... your kids, her kids, her soon to be grandbaby. See what is really going on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by macksmom

I would definately say that the situation with her oldest daughter has a lot to do with it. You keep saying she is "not a kid person" well unfortunately any mother has forfeited the right to say that...on.

---

I don't really agree with that.

My mom is not a kid person. She says it all the time. She says me and my brother were fine because we were HER kids. She has never been able to stand other peoples kids who are not direct blood relation. I know lots of mothers who are like that.

That may also be the issue here she loves her kids and cannot stand his even if they are angels.

I agree with Glinda. My friend says that she is not a kid person. When she watches her niece and nephew for more than a few hours she has to call me to come over and play interference because she just can't take anymore. She has no children.
However, my mom's mom was not a kid person and she had 4 of her own. She did fine with them, but when it came to grandchildren or other children it was a no go. She never interacted with my sister or myself ever. She loved us, but from afar.

I appreciate everyone's feedback... I think though with how strong our relationship seemed that with the appropriate blended family planning and expectations that her perceived stress could be mitigated... It's not as if all of a sudden I'm going to drop my kids on her I'm still going to be very active. Living together would also reduce a number of other stresses that was wearing on her... she was always self-employed and recently went to an 8-5 job and hates it... she has several rental properties that are requiring her attention and she needs to spend time with her 11 year old son who was finally diagnosed with ADD... I think she feels out of control and the only thing she can directly control was our relationship...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PAMD

I appreciate everyones feedback...I think though with how strong our relationship seemed that with the appropriate blended family planning and expectations that her perceived stress could be mitigated...It's not as if all of a sudden I'm gonna drop my kids on her I'm still gonna be very active. Living together would also reduce a number of other stresses that was wearing on her...she was always self-employed and recently went to an 8-5 job and hates it...she has several rental properties that are requiring her attention and she needs to spend time with her 11 year old son who was finally diagnosed with ADD....I think she feels out of control and the only thing she can directly control was our relationship...

---

If that is the case I would just give her space and time. She may sort of "unwind" herself in a month or so and realize she made a mistake. In the meantime have a good time with what I'm sure are cute kids and enjoy your life.

My kids are wonderful and I'm really trying... but I'm so on edge right now it's hard for me to enjoy the kids... and I'm left thinking, and it scares me, that if I didn't fight for the kids jointly that I would still be with the most wonderful, supportive, caring women that I have ever met...

Yeah but they are your kids. Is a women worth more then them? You are just hurting now.

Absolutely hurting and absolutely not worth it...

Her birthday is at the end of the month... is it inappropriate to send a card?

I would send just a card and leave it at that... no call, no email nothing else just a card

I'm just having a tough time and rough morning. She was always in my thoughts throughout the day and now it seems even magnified. I miss waking up with her, everything I see reminds me of her, everything I drive by brings back memories, almost every song on the radio too... I just miss her so badly and it's tough because it is nothing of my doing or our relationship. I can't stand the thought of her moving on to someone else who singularly is not as meaningful to her but does not have kids or young kids...
Tough day...
Oh, in regards to the card obviously no references to missing her or I love you's?

I wouldn't push anything. Just a simple hope you enjoy your special day

I'm just replaying everything in my mind... when she said she was unable to continue the relationship she mentioned being friends and I stupidly said I don't know if I can because it would be too difficult for me... yet I want her back and back in my life!!
I feel bad too because I miss her 11 year old son and he definitely needs some solid male role models... Can I still arrange time with him somehow?

You have to think of your reasoning for "being friends"... it may hurt you more in the end if you think "being friends" will somehow lead back to a relationship. She may take it as honestly just being friends, and it may cause you more pain if you accept being friends and she starts dating... it may totally ruin any relationship/friendship.
I would suggest just giving her some time. She may need some personal time to herself. I would tell her you open to giving her time, tell her you want to be with her, and are willing to give her some time to see if that is what she wants, and you will be there once she decides for sure. In the meantime you could bring up wanting to see her son... if that is a relationship the son misses as well. But I wouldn't push it, after all he is not your son, so its not an issue you can really have the decision in.
I would just be careful not to smother her, give her space and time... that may be all she needs.

I know she needs time and I'm praying that will be beneficial for her... but how much time? A few weeks, a month, 3 months?
I must say that this relationship ending is much more difficult on me than my divorce. (It's not my first relationship since the divorce)
I'm still baffled why she would end it prior to a lot of together time that we had planned? That is really killing me... it's like she knew that she would be in a good state of mind after that and it appears she is acting on a whim... especially given the dramatic reversal in feelings...
I'm sorry, I'm probably breaking all the post relationship rules, but I have so many questions... We had such a bright future together in almost every aspect...
How can I be in touch with her without smothering her?

You really can't put an "end date" on giving her time... there is no telling when she will come around... if she even does... you need to take into consideration that breaking up may have been a thought out decision on her end... she may really have decided to end it and is not confused in the least.

But with you seeming to think her decision is totally a surprise and you weren't at all expecting it... then it leads me to believe that possibly she was just overwhelmed with all she has going on, and kind of needed a break from the relationship.

My best advice would be to call her. Have you talked since the break up? I would call and ask to go out and talk... I would make it a public place, a neutral place... that way the environment is somewhat controlled and just talk. And listen! You need to listen to her feelings, what led her to that decision, and is she set in that decision or is she just wanting a break to give herself some personal time. Let her get out all she needs to get out and then go from there.

I saw her the early evening that she ended the relationship... I returned her son's bicycle that was at my house and gave her the tickets to the DMB concert we were going to see Aug 11. I mentioned that I was very confused and that I would like to be there for her... I mentioned that if she had no one to go to the concert with and she wanted to she could call me and I'd go... It was awkward to say the least only lasted less than 5 minutes and as we parted she did mention that she still was "sorta" confused. I can't remember if I told her I love her or not but I'm sure I probably did.
I then sent an e-mail saying I was confused and had questions because we had such a bright future together why can't we continue a relationship/companionship? I
Know she had a lot going on in her life and that she was looking for a little control and stability and realistically our relationship was the only thing that she could directly control and that I wanted to be there for her! I then asked if she felt compelled to make a
Decision before my kids were gone for 2 weeks and we had the many fun events
Planned and she was afraid that relationship was great again?
She replied that she certainly wanted me to have answers to all my questions and should
We talk about this in person sometime or prefer to stick to the email?
I, of course, said I would love to see her but as of yet had no such meeting... end of contact. Her parents live by the pool that we are members of and I saw her car there last night. Hopefully she may have been getting helpful advice there.

Its important to appreciate her honesty. It took a lot of guts for her to end things and tell you why. She did it because you're children deserve someone in their lives who can be more committed to them... and so do you.

It hurts a lot now, but she did what was best in the long run.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PAMD

I feel bad too because I miss her 11 year old son and he definitely needs some solid male role models...Can I still arrange time with him somehow?

---

That's quite generous and kind of you. If you feel that strongly, offer it to her then back away and give them both space. Take it from me, my mother dated several men with children of all ages and she tried to have relationships with all of them after the breakups. In every case, the kid was more hurt and confused so it didn't work. He's 11, he may not want to stay connected to you if his mother doesn't... he'll show her loyalty, so don't pressure him too much. :o

I do appreciate the honesty... I just don't know why it took 2 years for it to be an issue? Is it wrong for me to ask her about blended family counselling? I know it would be a challenge, but with so much of our lives to live after the children I think it would have been a wise investment. I also think she "thought" too much and did not follow her heart. She would have not been alone in the transition... the kids would adjust as well and with agreed guidelines and expectations I think that the stress could've been mitigated and hopefully wonderful bonds formed.

In a national survey of couples in stepfamilies we found that the top three anticipated stumbling blocks for couples related to children and stepfamily stress. 78% of couples expected difficulties dealing with stepfamily issues, 75% expected children to put a strain on their marriage, and 72% believed creating a stepfamily would stress their marriage (Deal & Olson, The Couple Checkup for Stepfamilies, unpublished manuscript).
They were right! On average, couples in stepfamilies have three times the amount of stress of couples in first marriages during the first few years (see Hetherington, For Better for For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, 2002, p. 165).
Is there any good news? Yes. With time stress levels for couples in stepfamilies can fall to normal levels found in first marriages. Press on!

I would not send a birthday card.
Choose another time/place.

This issue comes up a lot. NOT sending a card is NOT mean if you were broken up with.
It is the only card (literally) you have to play to make your presence felt and not use emotion as your angle...

Do as you wish.
Not what I would recommend but go with your gut. No need to torture yourself.

I think the card carries too much personal emotional weight and may result in more pain if any change is desired - consciously or subconsciously.

She could have said earlier on she was ont a kid person I am not eith but I accepted my ec x boyfriend kid as part of OUR life even although they were mostly grown up for me I could NEVER be with a guy who had kids and didn't bother about them deadbeat dads just dontdo it for me kid should be your life if you have them its justi choose not to. I accept other peoples kids as we all have a history as well as a future.It sounds as if she has a lot of her own stuff going on but whe u are part of a couple she should be able t share these problems with u.It would seem that perhaps she is too caught upin her own situation to consider u at the moment and it may be she feels that it better if she focues on herself and leaves you to focus on your kids.I hope u get it sorted I don't think it would hurt to send a crd but remember this is a woman who let u and your kids get attached to her for two yearsthen upped and left not thinkibng how it would affect your kids so do u still really want to send it take care hope it work out

What a situation! She feels one way and you another. There are no rights or wrongs but you both are at different places right now. Send her a simple card for her Birthday, but otherwise let her have plenty of time and space to deal with her personal issues with no pressure from you at all. You're a Dad so put your time into you and your family, and respect the exes feelings. You may not understand, but you can let her do what she feels necessary.

My gosh I'm trying and trying... I just miss her sooo much, I mean not only was she my girlfriend but my BEST friend... I NEED to see her, talk to her, BE with her... It hurts so bad!! I've been so close to calling her today and see if we could talk, I can't believe I have held out so long!! I want to give her space and try no contact... I know she is just as confused and probably hurt as much as I am and her son just left for a weeks camping trip with her parents so it is going to be just herself and her thoughts for the week and I don't want to influence or smother or take away from some of the feelings she may be having... She did leave that open ended e-mail saying we can have the questions that I have answered... We tried a lunch several days ago, but she was booked and she asked what I was doing that evening... I let her know, but haven't heard back for 3 days now... Should I let her contact me? I will be sooo devastated after this coming week of her alone time if I don't hear from her...

Pamd stop thinking for her and trying to figure out what she is doing, why and how. You are driving yourself nuts. You sound like such a nice guy. You do not deserve to be in this kind of pain. Go on with your life doing things that make you happy. You will find the right person someday. She was honest with you about how she feels about the kids, to bad she did not let you know in the beginning. I feel for you but I think it is in your children's and your best interest to just let it go. I am sure that you do not want to hear this, but that is my opinion. I wish you well.

I'm doing pretty OK today, coming to terms with the breakup... I'm just confused though because the last time I spoke to her (when I returned her son's bike and tickets to the concert) she said she was still sort of confused... It seems like such a prime opportunity to discuss further and see if it is workable... she said before she could she us happily together forever... How can I get closure with this uncertainty? I want to respect her time and space but the uncertainty is driving me nuts (not as much as before)... Now I just read HurtnConfuseds post and I'm wishy-washy on the card thing... I want her to know that I care and am here for her but as the breakee is it more advantagous to not send a card and maybe she remembers what she's missing (her birthday is 3 weeks away, she probably will be well on her way to healing and barely think of me) or to jog her memory with a nice card (which is more my personality)??
Getting better... but still want her back because I know we can work through this!!

Respect her request.
Respect yourself.
You have 3 kids... She has to understand and feel if your loss will wake her up to the
Entire package.
If you love her, leave her alone.
If she loves you she will appreciate it.

There will be a day - when heads are cooler and more objective - to talk.
Angling for control and persuasion will not strengthen your hand... Tell yourself
You WILL find the right time, or she will, so you can breathe. But don't worry
About manipulating her with cards and calls... She will respect you more if
You let her think - as tough as that is...

Oh No!! I hope I didn't screw up!! FYI... I own a beer distributing company and we had a promotion tonight... so my inhibitions were lowered a bit and I called my ex... I was nice and cordial and really wanted to just hear her voice I miss her so much!. she didn't answer as it was pretty late... I hope I didn't ruin anything... I just asked how she was doing and I hope that everything was well... early on in our relationship there was an acquaintance of hers that used to call at awkward times and I said I hope I'm not turning into him (my attempt at humor) Please tell me everything will be OK??

Don't worry women know men are sappy drunks.

Drunk Dial 101. Your stock will not rise nor fall.
You are still an Ex of "not a kid person..".
Hope you don't get a hangover. And get ye to the land of NC.
It's your only refuge...

No hangover, not drunk... just lower inhibitions for doing somethng that I was on the verge of doing for awhile and now I regret it so deeply. I thought it would help hearing her voice but it only has me thinking of her all the time again. My mind was getting better and I felt I was on the road to NC (as hard as it is). I also have not said anything to the kids yet, but they sensed something was wrong with Daddy.
BTW-owning the business I'm too fully aware of responsiblty and moderation. I've got too much to lose to be irresponsible.

I just got done posting my response about my call last night and how I regretted it and I got an e-mail from HER!! CRITICAL JUNCTION WHAT DO I DO? HERE'S THE EMAIL... IT SOUNDS Positive :-)

Good Morning,

Good to hear from you! I hope you were able to enjoy the steak feed. I've been doing well….just doing a lot of thinking. I came across some pictures last evening from our Disney trip. They made me smile and be sad at the same time. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you are but have been afraid to call. You sounded cheerful on the phone, that was good to hear. Let me know if you want to do any further talking sometime…

Have a great Tuesday…

Great! :) Now she has opened the line of communication! :)

I would definitely get right back to her... I would mention the Disney trip, something specific you enjoyed. I would ensure her there is no reason to be scared to call you and you would love to hear from her. Don't know if I would comment on "you sounded cheerful" ehhhh it might be a double edged sword... on one hand she may be happy she isn't dealing with a depressed mess of a man, on the other hand she may be inquiring why are you ao cheerful and not upset... I might leave that one alone. She is testing the waters and letting you know she is ready to talk! This would be your opportunity! So of course, tell her you would absolutley love to talk more with her, and leave it up to her when :):)

GOOD LUCK!

Relax. Breathe.

The illusion is that she is in control, but now you are...
A few days ago she was "not a kid person..." Can she change?
What is your potential together for your kids?
Are you offended by her remarks?

Now that you are in control, relax. Ask yourself these questions and get back to her when you feel comfortable asking and also talking... You are not playing NC games here, this is about your kids...

As for the Drunk Dial (don't worry, it's OK to get a little buzz and call. Women don't mind)

You sound nice... maybe too nice... she may sense your willingness to do anything to please... beware... a happy man's role is to lead and have a life and to have open arms for those that wish to share honestly and love... your role is not to follow and hope she likes you... you're a dad...

Yes... I have been branded the dreaded "too nice" tag before... it really is a conundrum!
Ash123, I have given a lot of thought to your questions. I really think the "kid person" thing really stems from the difficulties that she is currently having with her own two kids. And, I was offended by the remark and that was part of my initial despair. However, I did respond to her e-mail pretty much as Macksmom suggested... no begs, no pleas, just that I would love to hear from her and that I'm still respectful of her space and whenever she is ready to talk I'll be here for her. It felt good!! I guess I kind of just chill and see how it goes! Thanks for everyone's help!

You must be honest to a fault - even if you risk losing her.

Oy... my anxiety is driving me nuts!! It seemed like such a positive thing, I guess I was expecting for a more quick response(like when we were dating) I wish I didn't leave my e-mail open ended for her to call... I was headed to such a good place, now everythime my new e-mail notification 'dings' or my phone rings my heart races and then fades when it is not her...
Got to chill, got to chll, got to chill

Go do something besides waiting for a call or email. Yes you got to chill and get busy on your own life that makes you happy without her. Get with your kids and have fun.

Yeah, I know... it's just a bit tougher because my kids are with their mother for the next 2 weeks out of town... Fortunately I do have a lot going on (in the evenings) for the next week!!