I am in a serious relationship since last 5 years. And over the years my boyfriend's possesiveness and his wish to control me has grown.it has become abusive too.. since a year or something... but since we are very serious about each other.. I don't want to leave him... and one more to why I cannot leave him is that I am scared of him... of him doing something to me and my family... and I am well aware of the fact that he has such power.. that he can affect us..

But at the same time... I am not able to bear his possesiveness now... he wants me to do whatever he says... he wishes that I wear clthes according to his choice and talk to people whom he want me to talk to.. he does not let me talk to any guy... I had some male friends.. he askd me to end d friendship and like a fool I did..

I am not able to decide what to do... if I think of leaving him.. at the same time my mind knows that I cannot be happy even after that as he will always be after my life..

Though I love him... and this love has kept us in this relationship since 5 years... now its getting worse and I am not able to handle it..
He loves me too.. and I just.. somehow want this to waork out with him and change him completely...

Please suggest...

Walk away... this is not at all a healthy relationship. Nobody should have to deal with someone like that. This is mental abuse.

You don't "love" him. You are accustomed to being with him. Unless you are a masochist, you can't love someone that treats you like a slave or possession rather than a partner.

And as you have seen... it only gets worse. He's NOT going to wake up one day and stop.

You aren't going to change him. And why would you want to. Good people don't behave like he does. Good guys don't dictate who to see, talk to , or what to wear.

Leave before this turns into physical abuse. I would also make sure others close to you are aware of this. In case anything does happen, the police will know who to go after.

Thanks for answering..

When I talk to him about this.. he says he wants to keep me protected and stuff..
I know I should walk away... but I don't know why am I not able to do this..
It hurts even to think of it..

Is running away the only option?
Would any kind of counselling help?

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Originally Posted by troubled_104_04

would any kind of counselling help?

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Of course it would. Will you go, though?

Step one... run away and don't look back. Before it turns physical. Because in all seriousness... it might.


Step two would be getting counseling so you don't allow yourself to get into this position a second time.

He doesn't care about "protecting" you. That's a really bad lie. He wants to completely control you. Who appointed him to be the grand protector anyway? And who said his judgement is flawless and that you lack good judgement. Because that's exactly what he implied when he said that

Thanks.. but right now I feel I can just sit and cry... thats all m capable of doing!

I don't know whts going to happen!

Its going to hurt for a little while. Then you are going to feel a great weight being lifted off your back... and wonder why you put up with it for this long.

You stand a chance to get away from this unharmed. There are members (or WERE at least) members of this board that had far worse happen before they were able to break away.

Actually I didn't tell the whole truth... its not that easy..
I was feeling like I should not share it but now I think I should..

I lost my virginity to him!
And that's quite alottttt!!

Its means the world to me.. it feels like m married.. n leaving him and moving on are not even on mi options list sometimes..

That changes nothing. He doesn't own you. My advice does not change at all.

Thank you so much..
At least I don't feel like committing suicide (as I was feeling before) after reading this !

Don't do that... few people find their first love turn out to be who they thought they were.

They learn from their mistakes and make better choices the next time. I know very few people who can say they never dated a total loser at some point. I've dated a few of the female variety before I finally met my wife.

*taking your hand*

Okay, let's get away from him. We'll be with you every step of the way. What can you do first?

You tell me.. wht should I do first..
Stop talking to him on phone?


smoothy:
Yes, you are right... but its just a matter of difference in thinking...
Though right now I can't even think of another man... I feel like even if I leave him... I'll be single all my life... it may change with time..

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Originally Posted by troubled_104_04

you tell me..wht should i do first..?
stop talking to him on phone?

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First, find a counselor. Today. Are you in the U.S.

Nope..
But.. I will find a counselor.. real soon..

Let me allow you to read this poem:

""If you think that you are defeated, you are
If you think that you do not dare,
you shall not do it
If you think that you would like to win
But that you cannot, you shall not win
Because in the world you will find that
Success begins with the will of man.
If you think that you will lose,
you have already lost
It’s all in the mental state
Because many races have been lost
Before they were run
And many cowards have failed
Before having begun their work
Think big and your deeds shall grow
Think small and you shall remain behind;
You must think well to elevate yourself,
It’s all in the mental state.
If you think you are ahead you are
You must think well to elevate yourself
You must be sure of yourself,
Before attempting to win a prize
The battle of life is not always won
By the man who is strongest or quickest,
Because sooner or later the man who
Wins is he who believes he can."
Dr. Christian Barnard"

Therefore, how do you expect to be able to accomplish leaving him if you yourself see it as such an impossible task. Look at this positively, gather some courage, and leave him, he does not love you, and you are living in fear of him, that is not a relationship, is a kidnapping. So go with your family and flee from this guy, dial the authorities in case he tries to do something dumb.

Good Luck,
Javi

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Originally Posted by troubled_104_04

you tell me..wht should i do first..?
stop talking to him on phone?

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Don't call him,text him, email him, PM him... write letters to him, wave to him from the street, pass messages through others... leave messages on Facebook. Or answer any that he might send.

Basically... NO CONTACT, ignore the fact he is even alive. You have to do this cold turkey. And if he threatens you call the police.


DON'T even think about finding another guy yet... get over this one first. When you honestly feel " how could I have put up with this abuse for so long " in your heart... then its time.

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Originally Posted by troubled_104_04

nope..
but..i will find a counselor..real soon..

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I'm retired and here all day, so will be waiting for your report that you found someone. Be sure to let us know so I don't have a nervous breakdown.

Now, what about dealing with whats-his-name?

Wondergirl:
Yeah.. will surely let you know..

Whatever his name is
I really don't want that name in my life..!

I can't think of another guy ever..!
*current status!

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Originally Posted by troubled_104_04

i can't think of another guy ever..!!
*current status!

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You will in time. Its too early to even consider it right now. Most guys aren't like him.