Ask Me Help Desk - Is he afraid of commitment or just falling out of love?

Thank you for all of the replies! I really really am falling for this guy and I'm sooo afraid of getting hurt like in the past that I feel like I keep taking my issues out on him :o( I went to go spend time with him wed like we normally do and he told me that we might not be together this weekend as thought because he was going to the beach with his friends. Well I seem to have a horrible case of verbal diarrhea and I lost it. I don't mean too.. and I don't want to scare him away. I was sooo upset with him and it felt like he didn't care about me and he would rather be with his friends then with me.. and I said horrible annoying things like "i dont think you want a gf" " are you sure you really even want to be with me?" and he said he was.. he said he really liked me and still wanted to be with me even after all of that. After awhile went by things were fine and he was as affectionate as always and silly like he is. He even has me call when I get home to make sure I made it home safe. However after I left and the whole next day I could not do anything but think of how much of an annoying bit%% I really am. I really really do not want to be this way! I know better but I somehow can't seem to help myself! So the next day he was supposed to call me and let me know about whether he was going to the beach and when.. well 10pm came around and no call :o( so I called him after being upset for awhile and he was being really sweet and said that they weren't going until sat and we could spend fri night together and do whatever I wanted. I was beign quiet because I was upset that he hadn't called, and he said.. what's wrong? Don't u want to see me? Your not excited? And I was but I was trying to play it cool.. and then I told him that I wish we talked more throughout the day. But only if he really wanted to.. I told him I don't want him to do anything just to make me happy, but only because he REALLY wants too.. and he said he did but that he never knew when I was busy but that he did and the he thinks about me a lot.. and that he was going to try and talk his friends into coming home from the beach early so that he could be with me again sun to hold me and hug me and kiss me.. and spend time with me. He then called me the next morning as I was getting ready for work.. because he wanted to hear my voice and wanted to make sure I wasn't upset with him. He said that he would talk to me later about getting together fri night. Well he never called and I ended up calling him and I was a complete again! Mad because he didn't call even though I knew he was still coming over. Once he got here I was fine aand he gave me a huge hug and we went out to eat.. later he told me that he might be going to NY soon for a couple of days during the week and I got upset again.. and then started in with the annoying questions once again.. are you reevaluating being with me? Why am I sooo annoying? Why do I get like this when I think that the signs truly point to him liking me? I mean he told me that he was only ever in a relationship once before and that his friends think that he's in love with me and he is sooo sweet to me! So why do I get soooo upset when I don't hear from him until later in the day? Or when he wants to go away with his friends? Why am I like this? I'm so afraid I will scare him away. I know better then to act like this and I always feel miserable after I do! I apologize a million times and I tell him that I'm afraid of getting hurt and that I have been before and that I don't mean to take it out on him.. but yet I still do it! I'm a great person.. and confident for the most part.. I'm educated, independent, smart, funny, talented, and pretty.. so why am I coming off so insecure? This is the perfect guy for me.. other then his shyness to meet my friends yet, he's great. Please help me so I don't scare him away :o( I don't understand why I worry sooo much about nothing

WOW! That's a mouth full!! Lol Well, in my opinon on this matter, sounds to me you have found the right person? You worry about the fact that he might leave maybe? Having contact when you guys aren't around each other is OK, but don't make it a habbit, either one of you can get annoyed after a while! Trust me, I've been there! Have faith in one another, your still young don't rush it! Try to play it cool when he's around you, sounds to me like he's the only thing that sooths you when he's around? Another indication, is asking to many questions when he's around too, you'll make him feel like your starting to be uptight about the relationship, and vice versa! But if he's laid back with it, it doesn't hurt to do the same?

Thanks for the advice! I am very afraid I will lose him.. but I have a feeling that the only person that can mess this up is me with all of my silly worries. I've always over analyzed everything in my life.. relationships being at the top of the list. I have some health issues.. anxiety.. stomach problems.. and he seems to be the only one that id really there to help me through it.. he doesn't get mad when I have a panic attack.. he's just there to help me through it. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life.. that's why I don't understand why I'm like this sometimes. The relationship is very very new and I think sometimes its harder in the beginning while both of the people involved are trying to figure out how the other one works.

I think you very emotionally high-maintenance. It seems like you need to know what your boyfriend is thinking and doing 24/7, or you lose control. You should be happy that you have a boyfriend that keeps coming back after you verbally attack him with your insecurities. It's going to get old really quick. I didn't even want to stick around to finish reading your post, but I figure you need help. I hope you keep reading what you wrote and maybe you will realize how neurotic you sound.

Geez don't be so whiny just because he wants to do something with his friends, be a big girl and do something on your own

Jen I think I got the gist of that but I quit reading half way through. You have to use periods, Capital letters at the beginning of sentences, space the paragraphs, in other words proper grammar. I think if you edit that you may get more responses.

Having said that you are already a step ahead of other people who have the same issues you do, but do not recognize it's their own problem and not somebody else's. You should take a moment and write down what kind of person you are and what kind of girlfriend you will be. Then write down what you expect from a guy.

If he makes plans and then breaks them then that goes against your beliefs and he's not going to work out. Explain that to him. This is not unreasonable. If his mother is in a car accident and he goes to the hospital that is a reasonable excuse to not show up and you won't get mad. If he goes to the beach that is unreasonable and you also won't get mad because you have explained that you will not tolerate being treated like this.

If he tells you he's going to call and he doesn't then you don't call him. You wait until he calls you or you move forward. Your life is yours and is not tied to waiting on someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lola332

geez dont be so whiny just because he wants to do something with his friends, be a big girl and do something on your own

I think you may have misread the issue or maybe I wrote it incorrectly. I do NOT have an issue with him doing something with his friends at all.. my issue was with him making plans with me and then breaking them off for his friends. I NEVER want a man to put his life to the side for me.. NEVER. Everyone needs to have their own life and their own plans. And where you said that I need to do something on my own.. well that's just an assumption that because I'm into this man I sit here and twiddle my thumbs waiting for him to come around. Another reason that I was upset is that I am SO busy that I only have a limited amount of time to spend with him. I work full time and stay for overtime often, plus drive an hour each way to work. I also take 3 classes at a college to get my bachelors and then start my masters, and I let my boyfriend know up front that I will never put him before my best friend and my niece, so I make time for them also. So I was upset that I set aside time for him because I care about him and then he pushed me to the side for his friends. I know that I need to be easy going and I am working on that everyday.

You do have issues with him hanging out with his friends. You probably think if he hangs around his friends girls might be there and he might leave you.

Well let you something, if a guy is going leave you then he will leave. What your doing he pushing him away and he might deal with it for now but sooner or later he is going get sick and tired. Sick and tired of your insecurities and your up bursts.

Do you have friends? Maybe you should start hanging out with them while he is out with his. This is balance and your making this relationship your everything which is unhealthy. Your carry all this emotional bagagge from your past and it's unfair to him.

He is entitle to hang out and go away with his friends instead of having to feel guilty every time he does. He can come to NY and hang out with his boys and he will do so. You need to relax and find ways to deal with your insecurities. Otherwise, you will end up alone.

Threads merged

I was just wondering if it was really possible for a man to be into a woman if he does not call all that much, or if he says he will call and doesn't until later?

How often do you expect this guy to call?

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

How often do you expect this guy to call?

Good question liz.

You also have to consider his daily schedule; a busy guy won't be able to call you as often as one that sits around all day. You'd also have to consider things like, phone privileges; if he's a minor it is possible that his parents control how many calls he can make.

Sarah

Some guys just aren't into talking on the phone that much. How do the conversations go when you do talk?

If he says he will call and doesn't, then that's a whole different story.

If you are waiting for him to call, then he's not into you as much as you are into him.

well its my boyfriend and we've been together for a couple of weeks so far and some days he will call a couple times just to tell me that he misses me.. and then he will say that he will call to let me know something during the day the next day and may not call until 9 or 10 at night. When he does call though we normally talk for awhile. I suppose that I really shouldn't have too much to complain about. I just really tend to read into everything too much. I know that men and women handle things differently as well. I should take everything at face value and just let things ride out. Whatever is meant to be will be. I know that he has no intentions to hurt my feelings at all. Thanks for all of your help !

It's only been a couple of weeks as you say. Chill out. It sounds as if he calls plenty to me. Don't be the anxious GF, get on with life and his calls will be a bonus. Of course, you can call him too!

You have been together for a couple of weeks... was there a dating period before this? I have never classified myself as a "boyfriend" to someone if I have only been dating her for a couple of weeks.

Your over-analyzation of things is going to ruin something that hasn't even happened yet. Relationships aren't about depending on the other person, but enjoying the company and hopefully having a compliment to yourself whenever the time arises.

Knowing you have to call someone just so they don't think you're ignoring them is irritating.

It's hard to hang out with your buddies when you're phone is attached to your head.

Please, don't assume he doesn't like you or ignoring you just 'cause he doesn't call as often as you would like. If you keep after him, you will push him away.

I wouldn't be too worried, he is still calling you

When it goes days without a call, then start to worry

Many men, including myself, don't want to or have time to chat on the phone often for long periods. This isn't a statement of interest in you by him. Our priorities are different. I'd rather be with my girlfriend in person.

I think you're putting unrealistic expectations on your level of communications with him. That kind of pressure on him is a TURN OFF and will make him flee.

Judge his actions instead. Does he makes plans with you and stick to them?

Two weeks is far too early in a relationship to expect frequent phone calls. At two weeks I'm calling about once a week and seeing you about as frequently. Let him chase you.

You really need something else in your life that you enjoy beside worrying about some guy calling you. You are way to occupied with what he does.