My girlfriend kissed my best friend, now needs a break
Hello everybody.
First of all, I want to apologize if something is unclear, but so are my thoughts. Please don't hesitate to ask if something is unclear!
Okay, I will try to take this from the start and keeping it as short as possible without letting out anything important.
I'm 16 years old, and so is my girlfriend.
On Monday (30th November 2009), we will have been together for a year.
Basically, I had a crush on her for two years before we got together.
We have been happily together through most of the time. Of course, we have had some minor argues, but nothing major.
The time that I have spent with my girlfriend, truly is the best time of my life so far. Over the time, my love to her has only grown.
Not only do I love her looks, but the way she thinks, acts, everything. She’s so sweet, and so cute, so amazing and I just love her so damn much.
She has stated, many times, that it’s just too good to be true that I love her and that I’m perfect. This just blows my mind, as that’s exactly the way I feel towards her.
Over the last 6-8 weeks, she has told me that she don’t feel quite the way she used to do. Actually, she more or less used the (classic) line “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
I told her that whatever she felt right, I would respect and understand, and the one thing that I want the most is for her to be happy. I would give everything to be with her, but the most important thing for me is that she is happy.
As a result of this (love you, not in love with you), she has asked me to not tell her that I love her so much. This probably has three reasons.
One: I do (or at least did) say that a lot. And I mean a lot. But it’s really because I do. I truly do, and I want her to know, and I myself feel that the best feeling in the world is to hear the one you love tell you that he or she loves you.
Two: Her ex (the one that was two years older), used to tell her that he loved her, but has later revealed that this was only to be nice, which really felt horrible to her, as she meant it when she told him, and it made her feel used.
Three: The fact that she doesn’t feel the same way for me, might make it hard for her when I tell her, because she might feel that she’s “obliged” to tell me the same back, and she doesn’t want to say something that’s untrue, but also doesn’t want to hurt me by not saying anything.
I respect this, although it somewhat breaks my heart. I sometimes feel that she doesn’t believe that I love her, which really is a horrible feeling - because I love her to death.
She tells me that she doesn’t want to feel this way, and that she wants to try and “fix it”, or to try and pursue our relationship. I reassure her that if she wants to end it – I’ll understand and respect that.
Things you should know:
She is a musician, and works a lot with music, which sometimes stresses her. She also feels stressed from school work, as that stuff don’t come as easy to her, as it does, for example to me.
In addition to this, she has quite a strict and mean mother. They quite often argue, and believe me, she (her mother) can tell her (my girlfriend) the most horrible things. Her dad is also a musician, and travels a lot, so she really doesn’t enjoy staying at home.
All of this together, makes her quite depressed at times, and also very stressed.
I do my best to help her with all of this. I comfort her when she is upset because of her mother, help her with school work and helps her relax when she get’s stressed. She has told me many times, she really appreciate this.
Now, over the last two weeks she has developed feelings for my best friend, although I only learned this a week ago.
I should perhaps give you some background info on my friend. He has social anxiety disorder, and (to my knowledge) I’m his only true friend, the only one that he talks about personal stuff with (and vice versa).
We are really good friends, go to school together, listen to the same music, have the same humor, think the same way, play in a band together, basically do a lot together.
He is a really, really good guy.
He found out that our relationship wasn't at it's best (with her losing her feelings), and Iin his extreme niceness, he decides (without my knowing) to try and help us to fix this by talking to my girlfriend (starting less than two weeks ago).
While he and my girlfriend are talking about this, she tells to him how she feels towards him. He becomes quite shocked, and says he only wants things to go back to “normal” (me being with her, we being friends). After this talk, he follows her home.
In a matter of moments, they kiss, very briefly. No one of them really knows (or so they say) how it happened, but it did.
They both become really broken down by this, and both feel like they have betrayed me.
They come to me that same evening, both are shattered by this, and they tell me everything. They both cry a lot, and so do I. I was shattered by this at first, but at the same time I felt I had to comfort them, and not blame them.
I truly know, that they were both really, really broken down by this whole thing, it was easy to tell.
My girlfriend took this whole thing really hard (when she is upset she often has problems talking). The most I could get out of her was “Sorry”, “I’ve let you down” and “You deserve better”.
It would be easy for me to just sort of hate both my girlfriend and my best friend, but the fact that they told me the way they did (honestly, immediately and with total regret), the fact that they are really great people that I wouldn’t be able to hate in that way, and the fact that I feel like even though it in one way would kill me to see them together, I can’t control their lives. I can’t tell them not to kiss, I can’t tell them not to be together (Well, I sort of can while I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend, but that get’s “sorted” by the way they told me and acted about this).
All of this made me feel like I had to forgive them, and they really looked like they needed to be forgiven. So I told them both how I felt. I said that I could understand that this could’ve happened, and that I don’t feel any hatred towards any of them. I also said that no matter how this gets sorted, I want all of us to be friends in the end.
After a while, my girlfriend had to leave (it was getting late and her mother was… well, being her mother), and I strictly tell her that she can’t walk home by herself.
(The last bus had gone, and it’s a thirty minute walk to a somewhat dodgy area to get to her house).
I tell her that I insist on walking her home, but that it would be okay if we don’t talk, if that’s what she’d prefer.
As I follow her home, we talk a little about the stuff that had happened, and she asked me if what I had said was true. I said it was. I said that no matter what she wanted or how she felt, I would completely respect that and understand that. I told her that they way they had told me about it, really meant a lot to me, and I told her that I just love her so damn much, and care so damn much about her that I can’t go around hating her. That would make me hate myself. So yes, I told her, I forgive you.
She told me it was too good to be true, and we kissed for about a minute. Then we had to sort of rush home to her, because of her mother.
This all happened on Monday the 22th of November. The first couple of days with my friend have been awkward, but we have sorted this now. As far as I can understand, he doesn’t want to “go after her”, and even if he would, I wouldn’t hate him.
On the 23rd I asked my girlfriend (via text message), if she wanted to be with me that day and at the same time I told her it would be okay if she needed some time. At first, she wanted time but about 30 minutes later she asked for my company. I spent the day with her, and everything seemed sort of fine. When I went home that evening, I felt horrible. I felt that I was being selfish by being her boyfriend as if nothing had happened just the day after.
That evening, she called me, saying that she needed some time. Some time alone. I told her that I completely understood that, and that I would respect that. I apologized for being selfish that day, and told her that I would respect any decision she would feel would be right for our relationship. I also told her that I would not contact her for the next couple of days, but that if she wanted to talk to me she should feel free to contact me, this to give her the time and space she felt she needed.
The last thing I said before we hung up was how I feel towards her, and that she had my support throughout this.
I’ve talked with her twice since this, both over MSN. Once, we very briefly asked how the other was doing.
The second time, which was about 24 hours ago, we talked a bit more. She told me that she felt bad about not seeing me any lately, but that she wasn’t ready. She told me she had seen me the other day and wanted to talk to me but just couldn’t do it. I told her not to feel bad about neither of that.
We also talked about our anniversary. We were planning to go out on Monday the 30th (at our one year anniversary), and had already booked a table. She told me that she simply was not ready, and I told her that I understood and respected, and that I would cancel the table.
She told me that she didn’t want to cancel it, just move it to a later date when she felt ready. I think she really feels a lot of guilt. I told her that she can have all the time that she needs, and if she feels like she won’t be ready, ever, I’ll respect and understand that as well. She told me that she just needed time.
All of this is making me really confused. I’m not any good at reading signs, but now I of course see that her losing her feelings towards me and asking me to tell me I love her less could be ways of trying to fade out our relationship without hurting me. However, I still believe, at least partly, what she said about getting told that I love her.
I really feel like we’re a good match, and so does she, at least she used to. We enjoy the same movies, the same music, the same food, we laugh at the same stuff, we think the same way, and we even often say the same thing just at the same time.
For the first few days, I was absolutely sure that she would end our relationship, but as I said, I’m really confused by all of this. In one way, I believe that she is trying to break up with me without hurting me, but a couple of things make me doubt this, like how she made it clear that she wants to move our anniversary dinner, and not cancel it.
She also has sent me a short message on Facebook, where she basically quotes a love song – a song that always have been sort of “our song”. The line really makes me feel like she still wants to be with me.
The way she has spoken to me lately, it seems like she wants to but isn’t able to be with me quite yet.
I don’t know what to think, and to expect. She has asked for time on a prior occasion, and came back to me after three days that time. Now it’s been six days with merely any contact.
I am ready to give her the time she needs, whether it will be three days or three weeks, and I will respect any wish she would have towards our future together. I don’t want her to be in a relationship with me if she isn’t happy. I know that I can't make her want it.
The first days for me, were very hard. I was absolutely convinced that I would never be with her again. Because of this, after a wile, I was able to start letting her go a bit, or at least realizing that I might have to do that, which really as helped a lot.
I realize that if we break up, I will experience later loves after this, but I really, really love her a lot and don’t want to lose her.
I also know that being this young, a relation ship ending is not the end of the world, but still.
The worst part for me right now is the insecurity.
If you're this far, thank you for reading all of this, hope it wasn't too much, and I appreciate all answers!
PS: Hope you guys understand my English, it's my second language so I hope you understand the most of it. Again, don't hestitate to ask if anything is unclear.
By the way, I’m considering leaving a dozen of red roses by her door on our anniversary (on Monday), with a note saying that I really care about her, and wishing her all well, or at least something amongst those lines. Is that a bad idea? I know it might break the “oath” of giving her time, but I think it might also cheer her up. I know she really likes getting stuff like that, she is very romantic. She loves getting roses.
