Hello all

I guess I am like most of you newbies to this site and I most of us are the ones who got dumped or got the confused girlfriends wondering is it them or you. I woke up this morning thinking to myself my world had crushed around me! How will I live without her etc. I think my story is much like any other story out there. I try to give you a very short version,

Me and my girlfriend have being going out for about 10 months but have 3 years of history behind us. I love the girl to bits I really thought she was the one for me. In the last coupe of weeks we had our first fights, I knew something was up but couldn't pin point it. She saves she loves me and cannot imagine life without me. She tried to break up with me 2 weeks ago but could not do it, she came around to mine and cried like a baby for 4 hours. My flatmates thought there was some really weird stuff going on in my room. I should have knocked it on the head then but I wanted it to work with her so much so we got back together. All was good until Thursday we where going to the cinema, I was around hers she was on the phone I told her I would check the time of the flick on her PC in her room. What happened next was something which probably ended out relationship. Her face book was open on a email from this random guy.

Basically for the last 3 months she has being emailing this guy from work, now you may think there is nothing weird here but the emails where at times flirty, he would ask her out for drinks all the time she would always say she was busy. Now I know she would not cheat on me but I know this wrong to be emailing another guy like they where. I confronted her about it and she broke down, lots of tears from here again. I stormed off...
The next day she contacted me to see if I was OK. She thought I was going to do something crazy!! (it would take a really special women for me to do something crazy)

From talking to her for 5 hours yesterday I basically got this; she is very confused right now she said she is very unhappy with her life at the moment and doesn't know why. She is not to sure if she loves me anymore, She said she knew it was very wrong to be emailing that guy but she liked the attention! She says she cannot be without me and in a way loves me more than she has loves anyone else. She said the usual crap its me not you. She said she need time to think about what she wants. After 5 hours of talking we made love probably the best sex we have ever had. I was so confused I don't know where I stand now.She stayed at mine last night while she was in the shower I left. I hate goodbyes..

So we are on a break. What the Fuxk is a break!! With me its simple yes or no, black or white, chalk or cheese. I hate the fact she need to decide if she want to be with me. Shouldn't it be a case of you just know. From previous relationships I always knew deep down if it was going to work. I remember working with the wisest man I ever met, He told me it should be a natural thing and when you met the right one you will just know its right. Not this decisions crap.

I am not going to go off on one I have read the great advice from the previous messages and they made me a small but happier. I have deleted her number all her messages etc closed down my Facebook so she can't be checking what's going on in my life. I am taking the golden rule on board do not contact her for whatever reason. I just keep thinking its her loss(I not big headed in any way). I would take her back in a second but I need to be strong. I went through this before with another ex and was demented over her for 6 months after the break up. I did everything your not meant to call her, write letters etc what a mug I was.I look at her on Facebook and think t myself what the hell was I doing with her I guess love makes you blind. I was so demented I had to get away and ended up going traveling around the world for 2 years (quest for the golden spud :: Main Page) had the best time ever, totally worked!!

Ok so I am sure you have a fair idea of where this relationship is going as I do. I got a small problem next Friday is my mates wedding. Me and my girlfriend/ex where meant to go. She really wants to go, I would love to with her but it may make the situation worse. I think I know what she wants. And its not me, I don't want to go on my own as it will just make think of her all the time..
What do you think.. Should she come with me or should I just cancel the trip?

Thanks for reading I hope it makes sense.
D

It seems you're as down to earth enough as to know what is next for you..
You're right in saying that the general rule of these forums is NC but the thing I did with my ex is that I set her an expiry date on the break up (without her knowing obviously) and I told myself that if she didn't come back within 2 weeks then I would move on. In your case it's a break which can be even more confusing, but my situation began with a break as well..
After being a member of these forums for the past few months my advice to you would probably be just move on and forget her.. Because if she "decides" she wants you back, it'll probably be within a short period.. where I doubt her feelings couldve changed THAT much that would change the course of your relationship for the future..
What the options are:
a) she misses you.. comes back to you - you have the time of your lives for a couple of weeks, then she might start doubting again - back to square 1
b) she isn't sure - keeps you on a leash you can guess the rest.
I'm just very pessimistic when it comes to breaks - if she wants a break, she wants a break from YOU.. Moving on is the best option.
As for your wedding plans, you go without her. A break is a break.
You can't go on dates and then go back to being on a break, you can't make love and go back to being on a break. e.t.c e.t.c

She wants a break, give it to her, and occupy your time with things you enjoy. Love yourself enough to be happy with your life. You are the issue here now, not her. Enjoy yourself.

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I got a small problem next Friday is my mates wedding. Me and my girlfriend/ex where meant to go.

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Cancel her part, and go and enjoy yourself, with them pretty bridesmaids.

Experience has been a good teacher, and you were a good student.

People who date for a long time frequently STOP courting. I mean, they stop flirting in that fun, new way people act when they're trying to get the attention of someone new. This is common, and actually harmful.

For all the decades I've been MARRIED, not just dating, we still flirt shamelessly with each other. This is tough to do when you know each this well, but it's critical.

Heck, I never really stopped the playful, friendly flirting with others that makes them feel good about themselves (overly friendly, never sexual). My wife totally gets it. It even gets us "discounts" at the register quite frequently. She does it occasionally, too, though she's not as comfortable.

All I'm saying is that your girlfriend left because she received and appreciated the attentions of another person, and you probably stopped giving her that KIND of attention long ago. That's common, but it's the point. Women love to feel attractive and desirable. Giving her an ongoing sense of "being pursued" makes you attractive to her.

Think about that for next time. Never stop "courting" your gal. OK?

Had to spread the rep, JB, but your right. The same thing that got her, is the same thing that will keep her.

Hi all again.

I am seriously struggling today, I am about to break down in tears at any chance. I felt a feeling which I have never felt before a feeling like no other, a feeling of emptiness and wanting to end it all and leave this life!! I am 99% of the time a very happy person this is so not like me. Its being over 4 days since we took our break period. I decided to go back to my family which is in a another country and was a total mess on the plane. I am a 27 year old guy and feel embarrassed by this.

God I had such a crap year, I really need my luck to change or is it me who has to change!!

I really don't know what to do any more, I feel like my whole world is crumbling around me. What the hell is with this. I have being taking all the great advise you guys have being telling me and the rest of dumpee's. I being taking it on board. I went out and started jogging, joined a gym, set my goals, wrote down reasons its good that we are not together. It being interesting reading about the all the different storeys, I being through break ups before but this one is killing me!!

I tried so hard to not contact her and I managed to do it I am happy with that part, but I have being checking her face book out everyday like a freak. I feel like a stalker. When I was looking at her profile my worse fears came through, I saw that she messaged the guy who she being mailing for the last 3 months. I heart just crumbled... She told me that the guy meant nothing to her she just liked the attention. I closed my face book to try and help the situation. I am being so weak I know what I have to do, Some of friends have being really good and giving me great advice. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I just can't stop thinking about her. I wish I had never met here now.

Its being 3 days since I have heard from here, I would love to know what she is thinking, I should have known this was on the cards when she first tried to break up with me. I had played it cool and said fine and walked away. She came back to mine later that night and cried for 4 hours and said she didn't want to lose me and she loved me... A very confused girl.
I am a realist and I know deep down I have to move on but just can't move on, I feel like I am trying to fit squires into circles, its just won't work.

Please can you help me, As I said the wedding is coming up soon and I thought abut it and I will not be able to go on my own as it Will be to expensive on my own. I am not to sure if she still wants to go, the last thing she said to me was I really want to go to the wedding etc. The thing is I really want her to go with me as I feel its our last hope but on the other side am I letting me into a word of pain. I think she will be OK with 4 days away in Scotland but I think as soon as I get back I will be back in square one again. God I need to hit with a big wet fish, I keep telling myself your better than this and you deserve much better than this.
The flights for the wedding are on Friday and she has all the reservations etc, my mate who is getting married will be pissed with me if I cancel. Its such bad timing the wedding but what can you. God I need my luck to change.

If you feel like leaving a comment please read my first comment it should be at the top of this page. I would really appreciate you help on this.
Also I would say a big help out to all the people who have being helping others on this site, I learnt so much in the last 4 days.
So thank you.
D

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God I had such a crap year, I really need my luck to change or is it me who has to change!!

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You hurt because you cared, as did we all here on this forum, but be aware its about coping with the change and getting through it. Click on the links in my signature and read the stickies that have some good insights and suggestions to help you through this rough patch. At least you will know your not alone, and your in the right place. I suggest you cancel going to that wedding with her though, as no good will come of it and your pain will be intensified. Any contact whatsoever will drive you to more pain and confusion, especially that darn face book stuff. Stay away from all of that and save your sanity.

Because you cared so much, your only hope of getting through this with minimal damage is a TRUE policy of No Contact.

• Dates together (like weddings) are out of the question
• Thinking about / critiquing what she's said to you in the past...that's a no-no
• Reading her facebook, EVER, is a no-no
• Making lists about her, good or bad, that's a no-no
• Allowing yourself to dwell on her for more than a few moments at a time...no-no
• All the extracurricular things you're doing, you KEEP doing, more and more. You have to distract yourself with some meaningful activity.

Simply put, you have to stop receiving new input regarding her from any source. You can't escape your thoughts, but you WILL stop the extra painful info.

If it costs you money to get over this, then spend it. Period. Some things you simply HAVE to do.

Thanks for your answers guys, I being taking it all on board. What a difference a day makes, this time last night I was so demented tonight after having a good chat with family and friends I feel so much better, I have learned more about what I need to do and what I need to do to move on, I keep thinking abut the sticky from jolienoire about loving myself and about finding a happy balance. I have decided I am going to make some big changes in my life. I not going to go on about them but just do them.

This break up has opened pan doaria box for me. Its made me realise that I need to sort my life out not just my love life.

My ex tried to call me I ignored the calls she texted me saying she missed me etc wanted to know what was happening with the wedding.

I feel that she just misses the attachment of us being together but deep down does not really want us to get back together.
Its as if she is trying to let me as easy as possible and trying to make this as pain free break as possible. From reading previous posts and advice from friends family true love between to people should natural and not one sided. I am good person, I believe I have a lot to offer the world .
Ok getting tired now I will keep you posted on what happens.
Thanks once again

Hello all again
Yesterday was a really low day for me, SO many ups and downs...
It all started with me feeling really good on Wednesday night, check out the post above. I feel like I am back at day 2 of it all. I broke the no NC yesterday. I sort of had to because she had all the flight bookings and details for the wedding up in Scotland and I wanted to talk her so bad. I had decided that I wanted to go with her. I know it was against all the advice you guys and my friends had given me but for some reason I still wanted to go with her.
I felt like it was our last chance to rekindle our love for each other. After she was calling me all day Wednesday and Thursday and texting me saying she loved me and missed me I really thought there was a chance. Boy was I wrong...
From talking to yesterday she told me she didn't want to go as it would only make things harder. Lots of tears from her side she drove the nail home and told me she was not in love with me she only loved me like a friend.
I told her I wanted closer etc she said she didn't want to lose me forever but didn't want to be with me. This is the stage I said goodbye and have now deleted all contacts with her, I have closed down my Facebook account got rid of all old emails. I think you get the picture.

I have being thinking so hard about wither or not I should go to the wedding on own, as it stands now I am not. I found out yesterday when I was checking the flights that it may be impossible for me to go anyway, problems with transfer to and from airports. I have 1 hour to make it from one airport to another, She booked the flights not blaming her as its both our faults.

So its now day 7 since we broke up I had one major relapse. Now I need to get back to finding myself again. I don't want to be a broken record here with the relapse's and breaking the NC rules.

Touch107fm,

Don't fret about breaking the NC, it probably gave you the closure you were after in effect.

My ex was equally confused with her emotions etc,etc by all means check out my questions that I asked. She said similar things that you heard from your ex. I put it down to the fact that she was one messed up cookie, and it was a good thing that it ended in the end. I miss her still, but that's just natural.

All ill say is the advice you've got so far is bang on the money. The first couple of weeks were hell for me, I couldn't eat, barely sleep, all my thoughts were centered on her. To be honest they were for most of the time we were going out. Now I realise how unhealthy that was, and I sure will not let that happen again in any future relationships I have.

It is best to go with NC, I deleted all numbers, emails everything as it only hurts with any contact when your emotions are all over the place. It stirs up confusion which you don't need.

Get back to being the quality fun loving 27 year old that you were, and still are. It will be hard, especially the first weeks, and months. But it does get better, that's the truth.

Funny... similar thing happened to me. My parents made me go to the wedding without him and I met my husband, now married for 8 years and been together for 12 years. You never know who you may meet, but take it slow, you don't want a rebound relationship. It worked for me. I was so "in love" there was no possible way I was going to the wedding without him. After much convincing it was the best thing I ever did.

God I love this site now what a find...
Update I cancelled the trip as I turned out there's 2 airports in Glasgow not one as we thought . I would have only 40 min to transfer from airport to the next. Just not possible.

She has been texting and calling me asking me to pick up the tickets so I can go. I think it will make her feel better if I go I guess she will bame herself for me not going.. In truth I probably would have went on my own but the signs are telling me not to go. I rang my mate who is getting married and he said he totally understands.
So today is my first day back on the NC I am just to about to go out and meet a lady friend for some food just friends : )...

Hope I can be strong.

Thanks for reading.
D

My prayer for you now is that you can find SOME way to actually NOT receive messages from her anymore. Any words at all that originate in her mind and end up in your brain is just more of those "nails" you can do without.

I loved your typo, you meant to type "whether or not" but you wrote "wither or not"... That's what you are truly deciding here... every message from her that you receive causes you to wither more.

So... wither or not? It really is in your control. I hope you can keep your eyes moving forward from now on.

Just thought I wold update you guys on the what's happening...

I just had a fantastic evening with a old lady friend from work, I was in the city and there was a real summer feel tonight. I was filling Carly in on what's being happening, she told me pretty much all the advice you guys have been giving me.
It really took my mind from from X I was my old self again. Was good feel good again. There is hope.
So I rang up the airline and asked if it was possible to cancel at about 7ish this evening as I was taking it she definitely didn't want to come. She clearly stated to me last night she didn't want too.
So low and below who rings at me a hour later saying she wanted to go and is missing me. I didn't answer her calls she keeps texting me now asking me to go now..
Its doing my head in I so want to hold her once more... But need to be strong. I know she is thinking about me right now I feel like going around there now..
As jpm247 said before she will have to do some serious work to get me back, I deserve so much better..

God its 6 in the morning and she calling me... ahhhh

Ok must stop posting message on this site. But she just emailed me I nearly crumbled
Along with the email she leaving me voice mails crying on the phone etc

Here is what she said =

I can't get hold of you and it driving me insane, haven't slept all night cos I just keep thinking about you. I miss you so much, I don't think I've really had time to think about it all this week cos I've been so caught up work this week, but now reality has just hit me... I can't imagine no more dxxxx! I know I've messed up big time but please give me another chance. I just needed a bit of space to work out how I feel, and now I've realised that what I'm doing i.e.. Breaking up with you isn't really reflecting what I'm feeling... I think I just felt so guilty about the whole stupid Facebook thing that I felt I had to break up with you, but when it comes down to it that's the last thing in the world that I want to do. You make me so happy dxxxx, I think this is why I've felt so down recently cos we've had this hanging over us, but before all this we were so happy together, I love being with you dxxx and can't imagine being happy without you. I'm so sorry we missed the wedding this wkend too, I feel so awful about it, say sorry to your friend... I wish we were on our way there together now...

missing you lots,
love your baby. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxx
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bloody hell my head is in a whirl now.

Dude.

This is it.This is the time you need to keep your cool,man.Whatever you do in the end,WAIT.Don't rush into any action.And if that messes her up abit,well that's OK.Just don't immediately run over there and do anything stupid,like have sex.Take your time to think it over and decide what you really want to do and how you want to go about doing it.

Lotsa luck mate.

Finding it really hard now not to call her. She came around to the house was banging on the door for ages. My flatmate thought it was the TV licence people so didn't answer.
She left me a letter telling what a mistake it was to go on a break, she said she needed to sort her head out and that she now realises that she 100% want to be with me again.
I am totally cautious, one min she is telling me she doesn't love me now all this. I feel that she is feeling like this because of the NC from me..

Just rang as I type this maybe I should talk to her!!

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"i just needed a bit of space to work out how i feel, and now ive realised that what im doing ie. breaking up with you isnt really reflecting what im feeling...i think i just felt so guilty about the whole stupid facebook thing that i felt i had to break up with you, but when it comes down to it thats the last thing in the world that i want to do"

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Reread this over and over again she sounds confused, and this statement is contradictory, she is confused.. so be careful and take your time.

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you make me so happy dxxxx, I think this is why I've felt so down recently because we've had this hanging over us, but before all this we were so happy together, I love being with you dxxx and can't imagine being happy without you"

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She has now included you in her dishonesty by saying "hanging over us" It was hanging over her, She said how you made her so happy and she loved being with you, then she says she was down, wow her emotions are all over the place. Be careful... I am not saying do not get back with her, but I am saying be careful and take your time.