Hi,

I'm looking for some help with my not being over my ex. Can you guys give me advice ?

I broke up with my girlfriend almost three years ago. Then I wanted to get back together. I had had a hard year, a big family loss and realized that I really loved her. But she couldn't get back together, said it was too hard, she was too hurt.

Now after three years, she's living with someone and won't talk to me. I was in a relationship this past year and through the grapevine hear my ex was jealous, but of course still basically received the silent treatment from her. Now though, I realize that I'm just not over her. I've tried to write her and still don't hear anything. But somehow I feel in my gut that she's the one for me. Maybe I'm crazy to think this, though.

Can someone help? If she's the one, what on earth can I do now? She's living with her partner so I feel like I have no luck. But then I have this uncontrollable feeling that we are right together. I don't know how to move beyond that.

Very distressed ;(

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Originally Posted by kgreen44

hi,

i'm looking for some help with my not being over my ex. can you guys give me advice ?

i broke up with my girlfriend almost three years ago. then i wanted to get back together. i had had a hard year, a big family loss and realized that i really loved her. but she couldn't get back together, said it was too hard, she was too hurt.

now after three years, she's living with someone and won't talk to me. i was in a relationship this past year and through the grapevine hear my ex was jealous, but of course still basically received the silent treatment from her. now though, i realize that i'm just not over her. i've tried to write her and still don't hear anything. but somehow i feel in my gut that she's the one for me. maybe i'm crazy to think this, though.

can someone help? if she's the one, what on earth can i do now? she's living with her partner so i feel like i have no luck. but then i have this uncontrollable feeling that we are right together. i don't know how to move beyond that.

very distressed ;(

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Cut off any communication you could possibly have with her. Talking to your ex, thinking of your ex, even talking with mutual friends of your ex slows down the process of getting over them dramatically. Start going out and meeting new people. If she is giving you the silent treatment, then it's not worth it. If she really does miss you, she'll find a way to contact you. Otherwise, move on and meet someone else.

That's the best thing I can think of, I mean she's already with somebody else and now its time for you to forget about her.

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Originally Posted by kgreen44

hi,
...i broke up with my girlfriend almost three years ago. then i wanted to get back together. i had had a hard year, a big family loss and realized that i really loved her. but she couldn't get back together, said it was too hard, she was too hurt...
(

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According to what you state above, it sounds like you regret breaking up with her. Go back and relive what you had with her, what happened, and why you broke it off and then ask yourself:

1. Can I live with what made me break up with her before?
2. Am I a different person to know that I will adopt, compensate, and open lines of communication to address the original problem?
3. If SHE had anything as viewed as a problem then has SHE worked on this to ensure that she has been introspective.

Only then, when you can anwswer these questions call her and let her know that you have something to say. Meet, discuss issues but don't open up any wounds or scars.

If either of you cannot reach an agreement then let her move on and you move on with someone else that will allow you to be a better person. Sometimes we just need to learn certain lessons with a person and then let go.

Everyone will be better for it if you put everything out on the table and be honest with each other.

Cheers

Can I ask you a couple of questions?

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Originally Posted by kgreen44

hi,
i broke up with my girlfriend almost three years ago. then i wanted to get back together......but she couldn't get back together, said it was too hard, she was too hurt

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So you broke up with her and if she was too hurt then what did you do to her? Why did you break up with her?

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Originally Posted by kgreen44

hi i was in a relationship this past year and through the grapevine hear my ex was jealous, but of course still basically received the silent treatment from her

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Secondly are you still in the aforementioned relationship or are you single now? If you are how did this relationship finish?

Ugh, I feel like such an idiot. I can't just forget about her. I felt pretty happy being in this new relationship and recently it just all fell apart when I realized I just wasn't over my ex. So I broke it off with someone who cares about me to pine over someone who ignores me. It's so dumb... and I feel like I just can't help it.

I broke up with my ex mainly because I was confused and having a really tough time. I was 25, just lost a close family member, and just couldn't see right. So I broke up with her but we still remained very close (spoke numerous times a day). Then I got a bit better, wanted to work on getting back together and she met this new guy, who she's still with.

I know I should just forget her. I just can't. I really think she is still the one. I know how crazy that sounds though ;(

I don't think that sounds crazy at all! Well maybe just a bit... (",) but its good to be a little bit crazy. Do you think that you started to pine after your ex when your current relationship started to get a little bit stale?(you know after the honeymoon period)
Do you think that maybe its the attack of the what if's.....what if i was still with her? what if we got back together? what if her boyfriend dumps her? I think you were right to finish with your current though, well done it would have been horrible to have left her stringing along knowing you were feeling for someone else. If however she is the one then have faith in fate.....I know it sounds like a lack of a good answer but I truely believe in i"f its meant to be". Sometimes people are worth waiting for, you have let her know your feelings so the ball is in her court and what you also have to take into account is that she has feelings with someone else now. Does the above make sense, sounds a bit mish meshy?

Thanks kiki. The "if it's meant to be" does make sense. It makes me feel a bit better to hold on to faith, but then I don't know how to tell her that I still care for her and think of her so often. She just won't write to me and she doesn't want to talk by phone. She says to her friends that it's too hard to be my friend, and to me she's cold and either doesn't reply or replies and says her "relationship is wonderful" and she wishes me well. It's very cold. So I feel like if I come out and say I'm not over her, I'll seem totally nuts. ;( I just feel so, so stuck.

Well, she's obviously just very upset with how it ended and there is nothing more you can do really! And I would take comfort in the fact that she is being a loyal girlfriend, although not to you she has her loyalties right... it wouldn't say much about her if she was still checking you whilst with someone else! (I know you probably don't want to hear(or it doesn't help hearing) great things about her). Maybe she's being cold because she doesn't want to lead you on or start having feelings for you again because she's in a relationship, again right thing to do. I'm sure she will thaw out and start talking to you again... start speaking to her friends, they usually have a "way". But don't expect her to leave her "wonderful relationship"... I doubt that will happen... sorry (",)

Do you think she could just be saying it's wonderful because I'm her ex?

That is also quite possible, I mean realistically how many people say of their relationships... "wonderful"? Not bloody many! I mean it doesn't sound like she's over you yet, hence why she can't chat for long or be friends etc... sounds like she's probably got feelings for you but your probably the guy who really hurt her... and she's doing what's right for her.

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Originally Posted by kiki_doki

that is also quite possible, I mean realistically how many people say of their relationships......."wonderful"? Not bloody many! I mean it doesnt sound like shes over you yet, hence why she can't chat for long or be friends etc....sounds like shes probably got feelings for you but your probably the guy who really hurt her........and shes doing whats right for her.

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Yeah it's weird and can be overwhelming. It's best to focus on moving on 100%. I think it may be somewhat of an issue with my ex too. I think if we were really to come around each other there would be that awkward attraction. A sort of chemical reaction to each other. Unwanted and unwarranted. Maybe I'm just being foolish but I know and she knows it's best we keep away from each other. She's moved on has a new guy and all but I know deep down inside there is always that small gravitation towards me. She wishes she could be around me, she even tried to become friends with me, but she started acting emotionally and I started acting emotionally so we are back to staying away. It's not as ambiguous as it once was. Now we are sure we need to stay away. I'm not looking back or holding faith because all it is an added weight. Neither is she. We both think very alike, which really, is why we clicked in the first place. I don't know if I'll ever be 100% impartial to her. I know now to avoid her. Even if I'm never impartial to her I know the potential lies for me to find someone that can make me happy. That's what keeps me going. It's like if you had a loved one and they perished, and you moved on over some time. There memory would always be there but you can still love another. It's more of an understanding that what was is better framed to a certain time. It's not Shakespeare, it's real life, I know, but I've faced the reality that it's OK that we aren't together. I'll never say never there are stories, albeit very rare, about a couple that broke up reconciling after many years. It's not impossible but I won't live in that thought, and I will not put my life on hold for something that may not happen or is better left unchanged. Hope this strikes a chord with you.

Ugh! It's awful. I know I'm probably the guy who really hurt her, but then she killed me too. I wish we could just put it all behind us and say, okay clearly we care, let's try to be adults now. We were only 26 when we broke up! I don't know anymore what I can do, or I guess I know I can't do anything. I mean, she is with someone else. So I look like the idiot trying to be back with her when she's living with another guy, don't I? And she refuses to talk to me, so it'd be hard to strike up a "i want to try this" conversation.

But nevertheless, I have this feeling in my gut that this is right. I just don't believe her with the "wonderful relationship" lines - it seems really forced. But, what can I do really? Is there anything?

Yes... do not despair... as enigmatic (of whom I'm a fan (",),edit: May have been inappropriate)) suggested put 100% into moving on. Let that be your motivation. You know it does make me laugh when people say things like Only 26, by the time I was 26 I have been married for 7 years and had children... we as human beings are constantly learning and changing (our core being remains the same) and I think we sometimes underestimate our capabilities. It looks difficult now but trust me it will get easier!

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Originally Posted by kgreen44

ugh! it's awful. i know i'm probably the guy who really hurt her, but then she killed me too. i wish we could just put it all behind us and say, okay clearly we care, let's try to be adults now. we were only 26 when we broke up! i don't know anymore what i can do, or i guess i know i can't do anything. i mean, she is with someone else. so i look like the idiot trying to be back with her when she's living with another guy, don't i?? and she refuses to talk to me, so it'd be hard to strike up a "i want to try this" conversation.

but nevertheless, i have this feeling in my gut that this is right. i just don't believe her with the "wonderful relationship" lines - it seems really forced. but, what can i do really? is there anything?

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You can be honest. Tell her that you still have feelings for her but that you care enough to back off. You understand that you hurt her and only hope that some day she can forgive you. That you wish her the best but that you will move on. Then you let go. You have to cut her off completely. You have to focus on your life. Don't look back. Start working on making yourself the best you can be. It's not impossible that you may find yourself with her some day but as long as she is with this other person it's not going to happen. She has to forgive you first and has to grow herself. At 26 you were adults. You may not have been as wise as you are now but you where old enough to have a meaningful relationship. It didn't work then, and she has turned to someone else. She may have feelings for you but she may be trying to develop feelings with this other guy because she likes him. It won't be glamorous if she comes back. It would be hard. She might even resent you. That's why you have to move on. Keep the door open give her your number and then give yourself time. Don't contact her. She has to elect to talk to you. Even if she does elect to call you, you should not anticipate it nor wait for it. You need to move on. You have to set major goals in life. Move up the ladder in a sense. Focus on that. With each day you improve yourself you will gain strength, confidence, resolve, and focus. Begin volunteering. If you can't give your compassion and love to her give it to others that need it. Funnel it. Along the way you will either one day let go, or you may meet someone who makes you forget she existed. A lot of times people hold on to the last relationship that seemed to click. It's not because they are the sole person in the world for you but it may be because that was the last recollection you have of really intimately connecting with someone. You can't close yourself off to the possibility you can attain that with someone else. The key is to grow and learn from your mistakes and/or tribulations. Godspeed.

Kiki, aw shucks you made me blush. :) It took many bumps in my head for me to begin thinking rationally and realize that sometimes you have to let go and that eventually we grow.

So, do you guys think I'm doomed with my ex? Is there nothing I can do to try to get her back? She and her guy are now 29, so maybe I've missed the boat ;( but ugh, I keep on dating and still feel in my heart that she's the one. I try to forget her, but after a few days of doing so and even on the days when I'm feeling happy and successful, I just have this gut feeling that we're right for each other...

I mean, she jumped into this new relationship 2 months after we broke up. Can that last?

If you haven't seen or spoken to your ex and she has been with someone else, then you need to see what's wrong with your gut. Sorry guy, but you need more than her friends or your belly to justify being in such deep denial. Please for the sake of your sanity and life, let this go as this is as unheathy of an obsession as I have ever seen, my gosh, she refuses to answer your attempts at contact. Let it go.

Wow, that was really harsh. Am I really THAT bad everyone? I don't feel I'm in complete denial - I know it's bad right now, but still, does that mean I should entirely lose faith, not put effort if I feel something is right?

No one said you were that bad, its just you refuse to see that its not about her now, its about you healing, and seeing things clearly. See the links in my signature for some insights, and you will recognise, we all go through the same feelings, and only through time and hard work, do we learn to let go and move on, just because that's the best way to deal with a break up. No waiting for her to comeback, or break up with a new b/f. That's not healthy. Now heal, and get healthy.

Ugh I don't know. I've done everything honestly. I had over one year of being "over it", falling for someone new, feeling empowered again, etc. and then this extreme missing of my ex pounced back. So this time I'm wondering if I should DO something about it, if I should try to reach out and just be honest. I don't want to live my life wondering.

Just because we get a feeling stirred in us, doesn't mean we act on them. Give yourself more time. Often something outside of us triggers the memories. Your gut feels one way, but you wrote she never answered any of your inquires. See where I'm going with this?