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-   -   OBSESSED he was with someone during breakup (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=22668)

  • Mar 12, 2006, 07:44 AM
    jennfa
    OBSESSED he was with someone during breakup
    Last summer after me and my boyfriend broke up during a big stupid drunken fight. We were broken up for 3 weeks and even though I had plenty of opportunities to date others, I never did because I pretty much figured we would get back together and I felt like it would be cheating even though we were broken up. We are now moving on to our 2 year anniversary and I recently found out that he had slept with someone during the breakup period. I don't know the details but I am SO OBSESSED with it. I feel like he cheated. I'm obsessed with who she is, did she meet his friends, did he sleep with her in our bed, did he do things (in bed) he does with me. I am just irrationally consumed by it. I don't talk to him about it because basically I guess I know it's not my business and what's done is done, but how do I get over it. I have very irrational thoughts like maybe if I cheated on him I would feel even but I've never cheated , love him and plan on marrying him but how do I let go?? This is tearing me up and I'm taking it out on him.
    Wildcat, you helped me get back together with him, hope you have some more great advice!
  • Mar 12, 2006, 07:50 AM
    fredg
    Hi,
    You are back together? OK, so when you broke up, does that mean to you that "you are still on"?
    No, it means you broke up.
    Whatever he did while you were not going with him has nothing to do with your relationship. This is something that you have to get over.
    When two people get married, then decide they are going to be separated, before divorce, then it means they are living "separate and apart" and will not be with each other.
    Each then has their own right to do whatever they want to do. That's why it's called "separation".
    You two separated, went you own way, and each could do what they wanted. Your thinking is different from his, in that you feel he shouldn't have done anything while being separated from you. He felt different.
    If you don't put this behind you, then this relationship is not going to be a very good one for either of you.
    I do wish you the very best. Jealously is something that can be overcome, but you will have to work hard at it. Start thinking about the good times you and he have together, and don't dwell on the bad too much.
  • Mar 12, 2006, 09:50 AM
    nwsflash
    Quote:

    I recently found out that he had slept with someone during the breakup period. I don't know the details but I am SO OBSESSED with it. I feel like he cheated. I'm obsessed with who she is, did she meet his friends, did he sleep with her in our bed, did he do things (in bed) he does with me. I am just irrationally consumed by it.
    You need to get over this been OBSESSED that he has been with someone else when you guys broke up our things will be heading down the Road of no return and being split up again... You say that you guys are talking of being married, I'm sorry to say that you seem to have a trust issue with this guy and this would not be a good idear until you can work things out and deal with your issue's, our you will just end up with a large legal bill.

    Ok this guy seems to have slept with someone not many weeks after you broke up, but you have to remember he didn't cheat, you and him where over as you had broken up. So he has not cheated on you, and as for you talking of cheating to get your own back, being EVEN as you put it will lead to tears and sadness as this could blow up in your face and would not be a cleaver move to make.

    You said that you don't feel able to talk about these problems with your boyfriend, well sorry if you and him do want to make ago of things your going to have to talk about these issue, get them in the open and tell him the way your feeling.
  • Mar 12, 2006, 10:08 AM
    jennfa
    "You said that you don't feel able to talk about these problems with your bf, well sorry if you and him do want to make ago of things your going to have to talk about these issue, get them in the open and tell him the way your feeling"

    Thanks, I KNOW I have to get over it but how do I talk to him about it. There are things I want to know... who, where, when? etc. but it's probably worse if I know these answers. How do I talk to him about it? All I have said is that I know there was someone, and he doesn't say anything because I know he doesn't want to hurt me but he says I'm just being insecure. I don't think being insecure or not has anything to do with being able to trust someone. I also know that the greatest forgiveness is being able to forget but it's just so hard.
  • Mar 12, 2006, 10:10 AM
    LisaB4657
    It sounds like your obsession is due in large part to being angry with yourself. You didn't see anyone else during the breakup but he did. Does it make you angry that he "took advantage" of the time off from your relationship, when you did not? I don't think you're angry with him or you wouldn't be able to hide it and you'd be picking fights with him. So that makes me think that you're angry with yourself. That anger keeps feeding itself and creates the obsession. You're directing your anger away from yourself and pointing it towards the person he was with and what they did together. You're thinking about the things that he did, and what you could have done but chose not to do. You don't need to forgive him. You need to let go of your jealousy instead.

    How do you get over it? Just be aware of it and recognize the feelings for what they truly are. That's the first step in letting it go.
  • Mar 12, 2006, 11:35 AM
    talaniman
    First off what your b/f did during your separation is none of your business. Second to put your rules on this separation was a very selfish controlling thing to do. Third unless you let go of this obsession to know everything and control all aspects of someone else's life the frustration will eat you alive and destroy any relationship you have or will have with your b/f or anyone else. Let it go or see someone, a professional to help you through this.:cool:
  • Mar 12, 2006, 12:20 PM
    s_cianci
    About the only thing I can advise you here is to chalk this one up to experience and realize that when you cut someone loose they have every right to do whatever they may and you've got to be prepared for that possibility. If you really love him and want to be with him the way you suggest then you may want to learn how to resolve conflicts more peacefully. If you do marry him and the first time you have a disagreement you bail out and stay away for a week, 2 weeks or longer, you open the door for him to be unfaithful and it's not likely that anyone would be very sympathetic to you, the deserting spouse. Now I'm not suggesting that this breakup was totally your idea or fault but you've got to accept responsibility for your part in it and cope with the consequences. Don't obsess or dwell on what happened, just move on and put it behind you. In fact, if you want to continue on with this guy and make a go of it, your best bet is to pretend that it never happened.
  • Mar 19, 2006, 02:37 PM
    Chery
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by s_cianci
    About the only thing I can advise you here is to chalk this one up to experience and realize that when you cut someone loose they have every right to do whatever they may and you've got to be prepared for that possibility. If you really love him and want to be with him the way you suggest then you may want to learn how to resolve conflicts more peacefully. If you do marry him and the first time you have a disagreement you bail out and stay away for a week, 2 weeks or longer, you open the door for him to be unfaithful and it's not likely that anyone would be very sympathetic to you, the deserting spouse. Now I'm not suggesting that this breakup was totally your idea or fault but you've got to accept responsibility for your part in it and cope with the consequences. Don't obsess or dwell on what happened, just move on and put it behind you. In fact, if you want to continue on with this guy and make a go of it, your best bet is to pretend that it never happened.

    You've gotten some very logical advice here, from all posts. What you could do is work on yourself and see a professional. What is important is that you need to communicate - even in anger- and learn to trust him again. What he did during the 'break' should not eat at you forever.

    http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

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