I was dating a married man with 2 small children for 2+ years. He moved out in January but about 6 weeks ago he started distancing himself. Fewer phone calls, texts, emails, etc. I was busy and didn't notice it until a couple of weeks ago. He's now cut off contact without explanation and I'm devastated by the lack of closure. I can't seem to get beyond this. I knew that if/when we stopped seeing each other it would be painful. 90% of the relationship has been difficult, but the 10% of happiness has kept me at it.

I've had to do a lot of work to get my head around this relationship and see and accept exactly was wrong with me to begin with. I realize I have no business being a victim because I was totally selfish for even going there in the first place. I know I have been fighting a losing battle because stuff like this just isn't meant to work out when it gets so painful. I accept that I was wrong in all of this. In trying to see my part and gain clarity I am stuck on how it ended. I am relieved that it has, but now spend way too much time focusing on why I don't know the entire truth. After all is said and done I know there is a part of me and my entitlement that feels as if I should know why he stopped. I just want to put this to rest, heal, and move on with my life.

Why would he cut it off without explanation?

He sounds like someone who is used to hiding the truth from everyone, it is simply what he knows how to do the very best. (In my opinion).

He's married, he had an affair, you knew this, why do you expect closure?

He has a wife and children, maybe he finally realized that this is where his priorities lie, not with his mistress, but with the woman he made a commitment to.

What do you really expect?

You were a distraction, not a relationship. You were a bit of sex on the side, not anything permanent.

Really, what do you expect? What do you think he owes you? If anyone has a right to be upset it's his wife and children, not you.

He is married with kids. That is why. Maybe after two years of having an affair he decided that he did not need your sex anymore.

Woman forget about why he SUDDENLY broke of contact that is so far from the point. You need to move on quickly and find a man that is SINGLE someone that can be yours and yours alone, not somebody else's partner. Don't contact this man it seems as if he is making a big effort possibly to improve his FAMILY life and you should do the same with your life.

Stop deceiving yourself honestly did you think he was going to leave his wife and kids for you? It didn't happen and if you pursue another married man you might find yourself in a spell of déjà vu.

You know, I think what hurts you the most is
1.) he didn't leave his wife for you
Or
2.) you feel bad because you allowed him to cheat on his wife with you, it may be your guilty conscious that is really bothering you now and not his lack of contact!

What explanation are you expecting? Does it go like this:

__________
Dear otherwoman2008,

I will no longer be needing your services. I appreciate your willingness to be my Side Piece but I have decided that staying with my wife is more important than having to pay alimony to her once she finds out that I was skanking it up with you for the past 2 years.

Sincerely,
Married Dude

P.S. I have a new Side Piece that doesn't need to be reminded that I already have a wife.
___________

He was cheating on his wife so obviously he doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own. Take this as a blessing and walk away. Get yourself together and find someone who is available to you.

Most likely

1. his wife was finding out so he broke it off or had to so he could save his marriage

2. he found someone younger, skinnier, prettier and so on, since you were merely sex on the side, finding someone else is not unexpected.

Men are fickle. He really didn't need a full blown excuse. You were not his wife. You were just sex, pure and simple. The entire affair was probably so blown out of porportion in your mind that you somehow feel you are entitled to a "closure". Ok, what part of "sex object" don't you understand here? One time a man told me that in his mind sex was no more or less than brushing his teeth. Since then I've really looked at sex and men in a completely different light considering they feel that sex is like teeth brushing. Maybe you need to start thinking like that and you won't get hurt if you continue to hunt married men. Stick with the single ones even if they don't seem as exciting. Trust me, you'll be better off in the end emotionally that is.

Agree whole heartedly with the others... He's married, he feels guilty, he loves his wife, he wants his marriage, he is no longer interested, he doesn't want to lose his family, he has found someone else, he became bored, he has had a change of heart, he wants to be on his own, pick one.

Find someone who can be fully available to you... where your relationship is 90% good. As you are thinking about what may have happened, give some thought as to why you were with him for so long. Why you would want to be with someone who is a proven liar and cheat. Without realizing it, you are probably better off.

I'm not sure what this statement means from the OP:

I was dating a married man with 2 small children for 2+ years. He moved out in January but about 6 weeks ago he started distancing himself

What does 'he moved out' mean. Was he living with you, maintaining his own place and wasn't divorced?

Does it mean he maintained a place with you, AND he maintained his primary residence with his wife and children?

If he was married, but separated, and had a long relationship with you, that is a different answer to if he was seeing you on the side, while maintaining a marriage with his wife in the marital home.

Sorry, but I don't see how this question means that he went back to his wife. Maybe he had another woman in the picture after you.

Wherever this man ended up, you said it was a relief to you that it was over, and I think that you knew as you indicated, that it would never amount to more than what it was.

The breakup isn't any less significant because of his marital status. He was someone you cared for, and had a 2+ year relationship with. I get the impression that you already know that you are responsible for your own decisions, and that the road you took with him, was not the right one- for you.

The problem is, people cheat on each other, divorce each other, spend years arguing over assets, children, daycare costs, who gets who on the weekends, etc. With the divorce rate being what it is, a good portion of that must be because of affairs. Pretty hard to judge millions of people who have affairs, or paint everybody with the same brush. We are all looking for love, sometimes it's just in all the wrong places.

If you look at the overall picture now, without having him in your life, you have opened up new possibilities, better possibilities, and a brighter future for yourself. You aren't entangled in his web of deceipt with you, or his wife, or any other women that he may or may not have done the same to. Obviously he wasn't good marriage material, nor would he likely be the second time around either.

You may never figure out 'why'. The loose ends- let em' go flapping in the wind. What counts now is what you decide to do with your life. Learn from your mistakes, and plan a bright happy future for yourself.

Good luck.

You deserve a man of your own. I'ts true that it was wrong to date this guy knowing he was married because if he was your man and you were the wife you wouldn't have wanted that done to you. But it's over now and you can move on we've all done things in our lives that we aren't proud of. The bottom line is move on and make better decisions than what you have been making, that's all any of us can do. You need to realize that you don't need anyone to validate you. That doesn't mean you don't need some one in your life. It simply means your some one whether your with some one or not.learn to love yourself before you go looking for another man. This wasn't a good decision just move on and make better decisions the next time.

I really appreciate the comments even the ones that allowed some of you to get all "tough love" on me and blast away.

I've been struggling with this one for a long time and am trying to shut the door on it, but I got caught up in the minutia.

What I got from this is that I simply need to move on to truly greener pastures and stop screwing around (no pun). Even posting about this stuff is pretty freeing. The whole affair love triangle thing is a horrorshow and I have massive amounts of compassion for anyone that gets into this kind of mess. I would love to believe this could actually be the thing that saves marriages. I hope this will be the beginning of some good growth for me.

I could give the long version of the story but it would be completely one-sided and wreak of insanity and stupidity. Not going there.

Thanks again for all of your repsonses.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by otherwoman2008

I really appreciate the comments even the ones that allowed some of you to get all "tough love" on me and blast away.

I've been struggling with this one for a long time and am trying to shut the door on it, but I got caught up in the minutia.

What I got from this is that I simply need to move on to truly greener pastures and stop screwing around (no pun). Even posting about this stuff is pretty freeing. The whole affair love triangle thing is a horrorshow and I have massive amounts of compassion for anyone that gets into this kind of mess. I would love to believe this could actually be the thing that saves marriages. I hope this will be the beginning of some good growth for me.

I could give the long version of the story but it would be completely one-sided and wreak of insanity and stupidity. Not going there.

thanks again for all of your repsonses.

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It sounds as if it has helped. That is what life is about. Growing, learning through different situations. You being involved in this might help somebody down the road because you can help somebody through an experience that you have in. Hopefully others will not get so deeply involved and will get out before it damages everybody in the triangle.

Hope you do move on, and yes getting these things off your chest is important and you have had wide range of answers that you can work with and hope it all helps for you to build a better and brighter future for yourself.

Good luck and Best wishes to you and your future.

Joe

Otherwoman2008, sometimes when you have to tell someone else what you're doing... it shows you how insane it really is so I definitely understand the "freeing" part. Most importantly, you got answers from anonymous people, all random, from different walks of life that all saw the same thing.

It's time to focus on build yourself up because in the end, don't you think you deserve more than 10%?

Good luck :)

Often you have to find closure within yourself rather than looking for outside sources, including any from him.

Move on and consider it lesson learned.

I have no rude comment. But I hope that you find it in yourself to know you deserve your own husband, friend, and compaion. He does not owe you an explantion because you already knew you were on borrowed time. I would pray and get my closure that way. Seeking closure also leads to more contact with that person when all you really need to do is forget about him. Good Luck

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90% of the relationship has been difficult, but the 10% of happiness has kept me at it.

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That's the question to be answered, why you put up with a bunch of crap, to get so little in return.

I am glad that you have been able to pull out of all of this a positive lesson. Hopefully the marriage or the family life that he had before you played your role in their life will be able to be restored. Who knows why he left and when you get down to it, do you really care? Maybe his wife finally forgave him and allowed him to move back home. OR he realized it's cheaper to keep her

From your follow-up post it seemed you learned a thing or two.

Once the excitement dies down you can bank on hearing from him again. His behavior, walking out on you like that, indicates that he feels he can do as he pleases because he has you under his thumb. Don't allow it this time.

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Originally Posted by twinkiedooter

Men are fickle.

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No, not all of us are fickle and sex isn't like bushing teeth. That's pretty offensive.

You brought it on yourself. He screws around on his wife: while you justify it in your brain. You accepted him going home after you slept with him? Actually; his wife is better off without him, and l feel you both would have been well suited for one another....