Hey All,

I will briefly describe my situation. My girlfriend and I met in college. I always told myself I would not get involved in a deep relationship while in college but I did my junior year. She is two years younger than me so when I graduated she still had a couple years left. Anyway, I ended up going to graduate school in a different state and she decided that she wanted to come with me. I really wanted her to come but I was a little worried about the move as the school we were previously attending was much better for the career she wants to pursue. So, we got an apartment together and she soon brought a dog into the relationship. I like dogs and I thought for sure we would be spending the rest of our life together so I did not view this a problem. During the past couple years while living in this new city, our relationship has hit a couple major road bumps. We got through the first major road bump and it was a BIGGIE, trust me. It us about 3 months to get back to the couple we were but it seemed like we eventually got there. However, we have hit another major road bump and this may be even bigger and very confusing. She told me she wants some space about five weeks ago but I did not give her the space she needed during the first three weeks so she seemed to push further away. The past couple weeks she has been gone from our apartment almost all the time while I have been taking care of the dog she brought into the apartment which kind of angers me. She used to love this dog but now pays little attention to it. Also, I told myself when this all began 5 weeks back that I would not spy on her at all but I checked one of her text messages just this past week and it was from a guy saying, Good morning baby. I approached her about this and at first she was angry that I checked her phone and then she said nothing was going on between this guy and her. I continued to ask her questions about the text throughout the next day but all that did was push her further away. I finally sat her down in a very calm, relaxed way and asked her about the text one more time. I even told her it was not a big deal if she was seeing this guy and that I just want to know the truth. She still told me nothing was going on and he was just a close friend. I should add that when this all began we promised each other we would not date anybody. She can be a very flirtatious girl when she drinks which can give guys the wrong impression. I actually know of a previous guy she hung out with who sent her a similar message but I know for a FACT nothing was going on between them. What do you guys think about this? Also, what do you think about my situation? She continues to tell me that she does not want me out of her life or out of the apartment except when she gets really angry at me for checking up on her. We have been together for 4+ years now and have been through a lot. It is very hard to live with her while she wants wants space since I love her and care for her. She still asks questions about where I have been at night but she does not want to talk about where she was at. She has been hanging out with her friends and I have been hanging out with my friends for the past 5 weeks. The only time we really have spent together (AWAKE) is during the weekdays but only for short periods. We still sleep in the same bed and she only has stayed out all night twice. When she came home from staying out all night, she did tell me she was at a girlfriends house. She obviously still loves me and cares for me when I stay out of her business but it does not seem that way when I ask her a bunch of questions. I know the obvious thing to do then is to just stay completely out of her business but it is very difficult since we live together and sleep in the same bed. At the current time, I do not see an end to her wanting space as she is still very distant most times. Seriously, how much longer would you guys deal with this before leaving the situation for good? I do care a lot for the dog so it would hurt to leave him too. I have been having trouble concentrating at work and school during this time. I think as long as we live together and she wants space I will have concentration problems. If it were not for her showing me that she still loves me at times, I probably would have already left. The first major road bump was a similar situation but only lasted about 4 weeks. Then, one morning she awoke and seemed like the same girl she used to be. I guess I am waiting for this to happen again. Besides the text, there are really no other major signs of her dating someone else. Christmas is coming up and she still talks about going home together and buying presents.

When you are dating someone, you can't just stay out of their business. Of course, there should be some privacy with personal issues, and there should be freedom to express your feelings- but when a woman is leaving ALL night, is getting texts from a guy who calls her "baby," and tells you to "stay out of her buisness," you can bet that something is going on. As said by others before me, "flirting is cheating's ugly cousin." When she is flirting with other guys- drunk, no less- you can bet it will lead to her doing other things with these guys. It may seem fine, but believe me, "good morning, baby," is not an innocent text message from two close friends. Baby is a pet name that you would call your boyfriend- not your friend. If I found that text message on my fiance's phone, I would give the girl a piece of my mind and check out.
A promise not to cheat means nothing, and is extremely immature. Nobody is imune to the temptation to cheat- no matter how much you "love" each other. The thing is, you need to protect each other from this temptation. You should've told her to be cautious when it comes to other guys who may be pursuing her. And she should tell you the same with women. You need to shield each other from that temptation so that it doesn't happen.
What I think about your situation, is that this girl is cheating, and it's time to break it off. You can't sit there and be lied to, while being put on the back burner in this girls life. This is a one-way relationship, you're doing all the giving, she's doing all the receiving.

The red flag I see, is your girl having a good friend that you don't know. If that's all he was, then why wouldn't you be meeting him? If not she can hit the ever loving road with crap like that, and take the mangy mutt too.

Talaniman Rule-There is NO reason for a committed couple to have secret friends.

Thanks for the quick replies. I should add that I have not been the best boyfriend in the world which has ultimately led to this situation. I never cheated on her but I have been stubborn and selfish at times which probably made her think I do not love her enough and regret her ever following me. I regret these decisions but I cannot take them back. I guess in a way I would not completely blame her for seeing another guy. However, I wish she would just tell me the truth about everything so we can both move on with our lives. She has always been a great girlfriend to me until now. I actually have approached her numerous times about whether she is seeing other guys but she continues to say nothing is going on. I have usually always asked her in calm, relaxed ways because I know it is hard for someone to admit that. I just think by now she would have admitted it if she was actually seeing a guy. I really want to make up for being stubborn and selfish in the past but I do not know if I will get this chance. I am thinking about playing the relationship out through the holidays to see whether she dramatically changes.

Didn't a "dramatic change" already happen? And now she isn't herself again? A dramatic change will not fix her problems, and will not change the fact that she is, more than likely, lying to you. Its probably a good idea to let her know that you're thinking of breaking it off, and tell her why.

Thanks for your viewpoints. However, I probably will not be coming back to this site. I have always been a person who does what feels right to me without taking too much advice from others. In fact, this is the first time I have ever gone onto a site like this. The problem is you guys do not know the full story and it would take me two days to write the full story. I think I really need to make up for mistakes that I have made and I will try to do this over the holidays when we are back home together. If she does not want me, then at least I can live the rest of my life with knowing I tried. She is a beautiful and usually loving girl and deserved more from me in the past. Sorry for wasting your time.

Workout09. The point of the site is to get neutral, confidential, advice from someone who is not in the situation or biased. This can be a very good thing, especially for relationships- since love tends to blind us from reality. There could be something that someone with a clearer understanding would see in your situation, that you can't because your emotions get in the way- which is only natural. If you don't want any more advice from anyone, you can leave the site. I am just letting you know how getting advice from others can be a very positive thing (esp. in a relationship.) Is there anyway you can condense your story? I wouldn't mind hearing it if you wanted to message me, but it's up to you.

Thanks for the comments jaime90. They were actually helpful because for some reason they made me think more about my mistakes in the past. The problem is I am really busy with work right now and should not have even joined this site in the first place. The situation will probably be resolved over the holidays. If she does not want me anymore, then I will get over it with time. I will reply after the holidays to tell people what happened. Happy or sad conclusion, others that browse this site may learn from it.

Good luck to you and yours. Have a good holiday, and I wish you the best! (and look forward to hearing how things turn out)

Sorry we didn't say things you could accept, but what do we know about you two? Only what you wrote.


Its been my experience when one partner thinks things are perfect, the other doesn't, whether they are distracted, disconnected, or any number of reasons, or so called mistakes.

Committed couples talk, and work through obstacles. If they can't, they seldom stay together.

Please let us know how your relationship turns out, as we could all learn from it.